Cossack Goes Postal!

As Princess of Planet Arus, it has come to my attention by my governing Council of Lions that you and Prince Lotor have many serious and several old outstanding fines that still linger on our books, much of which has to do with the littering of robeast body parts all over my planet.

I would appreciate it if the next time you and Lotor decide to come calling on Arus, that you at least clean up after your loses. It would be greatly appreciated.

Littering, huh? Now that's a new one for the list of crimes that Cossack the Terrible has been accused of! I'll have you know that rumors started by certain wart-covered individuals about me being a slob are unfounded and that I do not chuck beer cans off the side of the ship when I'm on another planet. (Okay, there was that one time where a pal and I bombed a planet with beer bottles, but, ah, well that's beside the point.)

But because it means so much to you, and you mean so much to my boss, I'll equip our takeover forces with recycling cans the next time we launch an attack.

P.S. - Prince Lotor sends his love and desire to meet you in your bedroom on our next visit.

cossack everytime i see george w bush and john kerry my IQ lowers 7 points. my IQ is -21 now!!!! will you dispose of them for me?

Actually Nicole, this is why we don't have elections here on Doom. At least with a royal family you always know who's going to be in charge, so it saves a lot of trouble. But since you asked so nicely, and because I think your planet's politicians are more full of it than Hunk after a visit to the all-you-can-eat buffet, I'll see about sending a robeast to take care of them. Maybe your people can vote the robeast into office instead. Haggar at least programs them to be competent.

Oh, and about that negative IQ, Haggar says not to worry about it! She says she knows someone with an IQ even lower than that who manages to run a website, so you should have no trouble. I wonder who that is, anyway. It must be Princess Allura or something. Maybe Prince Lotor knows if she has a site...

cossack, I don't live with my adopted dad anymore. so far he hasn't had any contact with me, which is perfectly fine with me. so, without any hesitation, will you go and blow up his house for me?!?!?!

King Zarkon asks that his military forces not get involved in off-planet domestic squabbles because it can reflect badly on the empire, or some BS like that. However if you can send me a few cases of high-class import beer from your planet, I might be able to arrange for some weapons to get "accidentally discharged" somewhere in the neighborhood.

Hello,

I have always been a Voltron fan for the longest time.....okay, not Voltron. I realize I like Planet doom villains a heck of alot better than the good guys. Does that make me a bad person? Anyway I've got questions. Cossack are you tall? Like 6, 7 or 10 feet. Cause looking at some old Voltron pictures, ya look fairly gigantic. Planet Doomians a race of evil giants? Are you 25, 54, or 182 years old? Cause your blue and kind of ugly....but in a good villain way, so don't take it the wrong way. Being blue in color, is that what makes you evil? I once got tangled in a fence after a Ozzy concert, I turned blue, I didn't feel evil though. Thank god those hippies cut me out though. Ya, I know hippies at an Ozzy concert. Hey, I'm sorry I just digressed. Anyway, you all are blue, but why is Hagar green, or is it just mold. Well If you can, please answer these questions. Cause I'm still waiting for my parents to answer my questions about the birds & the bees. And lets just put it this way....I'm over 25. Bye for now, I've got to get back at pinging spiders of my window screens. Fun!

Jennifer

No, liking the "villains" doesn't make you a bad person. What's that Haggar likes to say sometimes, "evil is in the eye of the beholder"... no, wait, maybe that's beauty... ah heck, anyway, what I mean is that what's one man's evil is another man's idea of a good time. Liking us just means you like to have a good time and you're not an uptight Galaxy Alliance whiner.

How tall am I? Shorter than Zarkon and a little bit shorter than Lotor, taller than Haggar. In Earth measurements I'm probably somewhere in the 6-foot-something range, but I've been told my posture sucks so it doesn't always look like I'm as tall as I am. As for Doomites, nah, we're not giants, you humans are just short.

Am I 25, 54, or 182 years old? Depends on what picture of me you're lookin' at. I really look like hell when I'm hung over, and a defeat to Voltron can really inspire you to pound the beers. Seriously though, I'm uh... damn I hate converting Doom years to standard... 30-something. 32 I think. At least that's what Haggar told me last time she did the math.

As for your ugly comment, I'll let that slide, only because you seem like such a likeable kind of evil girl. But I'll have you know here on Doom I'm quite the catch. Like I said, I'm just not very photogenic sometimes, and hey, Doomite chicks dig blue guys in positions of authority. Why else do you think Haggar still has it so bad for Zarkon?!

Blue skin doesn't make you evil, though. Look at that dumbass Drule Hazar for proof of that. He's a disgrace to the name of evil with all his whiny "let's be buddies with the Galaxy Alliance" BS, and he's still blue.

And Haggar? She's actually a dark bluish green; it's not mold, it's years of sniffing radioactive lazon fumes from her bio chamber. Rumor has it she used to be pretty hot, when she was young and didn't spend all her days building robeasts and doing magical mutation experiments in her lab.

P.S. - Flick the spiders at Merla if you want to see her scream like a girly-girl.

Okay, I got you some more questions. Some are multiple choice and others just regular.

1. What kind of chick's are you into? Or do they have to be blue? Pick one of the answers below.
A. Jessica Simpson
B. Kate Winslet
C. Merla
D. Pamela Anderson
E. Esther Rolles (Good Times show)
F. Anna Nicole Smith (cause of her high I.Q.)
G. Hillbilly woman with a gold tooth....okay its plated, but what can ya expect from a dentist that operates in Wal-Mart parking lot.
What comes after G, oh ya.
H. Hillary Clinton
I. Allura

2. Favorite forms of torture on Planet Doom?
A. Whipping
B. Nail pulling
C. Locking someone up with nanny (Alura's keeper) for a night.
D. Water torture on the forehead.
E. Flinging spiders at your victims
F. Forcing people to to aerobics (the horror)

3. What would you have for a pet?
A. Tarantula
B. Robeast
C. Godzilla
D. Human
E. Nanny(I just to put her in this)

4. What music are ya into?
A. Celine Dion
B. Hanson
C. White Zombie now actually Rob Zombie
D. Care Bear album
E. Motley Crew
F. Metallica
H. Or C,E, and F, cause they all rock!

5. What would you be doing if you weren't a commander on Doom?
A. Living in the suburbs
B. Professional Mexican wrestler
C. Soccer Coach (You have to be tough and scary with soccer mom's, keep that in mind).
D. Ballet instructor
E. Football player
F. Bouncer for Limp Bisquit
G. Allright, none of thee above.

6. This is more of a request rather than a question. Could you capture Nanny? I mean good grief, she spanks Allura in public. What the bleep is that? Isn't Allura in her twenties, I have always assumed she was in her late teens or early twenties. Mary H. Poppins! If someone spanked me I'd lose my tiny warped mind.

7. Do you have a mommy complex like Lotor? And whats his problem anyway?

Well thats it for my questions, but I would like to say something about the two snake emblems on Cheezey's site. The one Cossack wears and the other from the Thunder cats. I was watching a movie called Caligula a little while ago, and I think it was a Roman soldier who was wearing a similar if not same design. Could this be a Roman symbol? Planet Doom seems to resemble Roman behavior, arenas and slaves. Anway, Lotor reminds me of Caligula. Thats alls I'se got to says on this, bye.

Jennifer queen of the fabulous

Hello again, Jennifer! Boy, aren't you full of questions? Lucky for you Haggar had a few "setbacks" with her new robeast this afternoon so I have a chance to get back to you.

1. I really prefer the blue kind, but any hot ones with big boobs will do. I'm not picky. Well, Merla and Allura excepted from the "hot" clause, 'cause Merla's too bitchy and screwing Allura would be a good way to screw myself right into the Pit of Skulls with how Lotor gets about her.

2. Between A and C it's a tough call, but at least Nanny can cook so I'll say A. Unless of course you're torturing someone into S&M 'cause then they'd like the whipping in which case you gotta go with C.

3. B, although I'd consider C if she'd make my bed with those nifty hospital corners for me. My blue feet get cold at night and the slave I have just doesn't get sheet folding. Serves me right for picking looks over brains I guess.

4. I'm with you on H. Plus if I head bang, I can gore people on my helmet.

5. Something other than fleet commander of Doom? Emperor of Oron? I liked that job; too bad it was a temp position. (By the way, I get ya on the soccer mom thing. They'd make great robeasts.)

6. Capture Nanny, huh? Like I said, I'd consider it if she'd make good domestic slave material. Some of the cooks here in Castle Doom really suck, and as fat as she is you know she's gotta know what tastes good.

7. No. I moved out of the family house when I turned of age for a reason. I love Mom, but not that way. As for Lotor, Haggar gave me a speech with some psycho-babble that basically said she thinks he associates love with his mom so he goes for ones that look similar to her, but I think she was out in the sun too long that day training her new pet in the robeast pen. Personally I think he just digs blondes. Some guys go for certain things on a girl like that. What would the old witch know about how a guy thinks anyway? It's not like she's dating many of 'em these days.

That snakey symbol comes from ancient Rome? Heh, well I guess I'll ask Haggar about it; she's old so she'd probably know.

Thanks for writing!

Cossack the Terrible
Fleet Commander of Planet Doom

Hi,
Me again, Hey why are you called The Terrible? Cossack The Terrible? What'd ya do that was so terrible? I mean your a villain, true, but Lotor isn't Lotor The Nasty, or Hagar is Hagar The Gruesome. Lastly, what is the criteria for your terribleness, and how do I strive to that goal? How can I implement your level of terrible in my daily life. And would kicking some one squarely on the buttocks, then running like hell, be a good start to reaching that level in my own daily life. Well gots to end it here and go collect my fabulous pumpkins of evil in my back yard, got a twenty pounder yesterday! I'll roll it over insects, if that'll make me terrible, bah hah hah (choke) ha! Oh ya, one more thing, Do something about that little Pollux prince. Bye.

Jennifer The Fabulous
(I'm called that, because I am. Regardless of my gold tooth, Nyah.)

Ah, Jennifer! Nice to hear from you again. Sorry about the email lag there - I guess King Zarkon was right about me not checking it often enough. But since he threatened a pay cut if I didn't check at least once a week just, uh, about six days and twenty three hours ago, here I am, better late than never!

To answer your question, I earned my unofficial official title of Cossack the Terrible in battle. Back in my pre-commander days when I had higher-ups that weren't royalty to report to my ship was assigned to squashing a rebellion on one of our now long conquered planets. It was pretty ugly, but under my brilliantly strategic direction, we kicked their asses from one side of the Denubian to the other, and didn't leave a single one of the enemy standing. My soldiers started calling me "Cossack the Terrible" after that, and I thought it sounded pretty cool, so I let it stick. Now even King Zarkon and Prince Lotor use my title, so it's official! Unofficially, anyway. You won't see it in the records, but it's real if the king and prince use it, right?

As for why Lotor isn't "Lotor the Nasty," well he's got quite a reputation with the chicks and a name like that isn't going to get goody-goody princesses like Allura knockin' down his door (or boots with him for that matter) if you know what I mean. As for Haggar the Gruesome, no, she doesn't go by that, but that's a good suggestion! I think I'm gonna start calling her that and see how she takes it.

Have fun learning to be terrible squashing insects with your pumpkins! That's a good start, although I don't know if a title of "terrible" would work well with "fabulous" unless you wanted to be "terribly fabulous" or "fabulously terrible"... you know I think the last one is better, but that's up to you to decide I guess since it is your title and all.

Last night I watched the Violence in Games Special on G4tv And i saw how various people like Jack Thompson and Joe Lieberman get all pissy over these games, Especially recently over The "Hot Coffee" mod for GTA San Andreas. These politicians want these Games banned but what they are really trying to do is stop human nature. man, No matter what species, has two primal Urges , the urge for violence and the urge for sex. These urges are easily satisfied through games like DOOM, Grand Theft Auto, and the latest generation of fighting Games and Wrestling games. The Politicians Call these games "Pornographic murder simulators that should be Outlawed", and that is just stupid. Outlawing games like these is pointless because you cannot stop people's demand for these games and more importantly, you cannot stop Human nature, no matter how hard you try. So What is your stand on this Issue?

Sincerely

Gary White

Gary,

That's a very interesting topic you brought up. See, here on Doom someone that tried to get a violent, sexual video game banned would be laughed off the planet. In fact, we try to incorporate as much blood, guts, and boobs into our games as possible. We figure if the kids are too young to participate in the real stuff, why not let 'em at least enjoy it virtually until they're old enough?

If I had kids, I'd let 'em have all the video games they want. Especially DOOM, because that's our planet's name and it's prettypatriotic. Oh, and King Zarkon loves that game. Lotor's more of a Grand Theft Spaceship fan, and me, I just like those sim things where I can surround myself with hot chicks in skimpy little outfits. I blow up enough stuff in my work that I like to kick back and relax in my electronic entertainment. And I also like a nice simple game of Grenade Hunter, it's the Doom version of what the GA planets call "Minesweeper", except that when you bomb out, your screen fills up with blood and skulls. That game is great on long boring spaceship rides, and you can play it right on the battleship console.

Cossack the Terrible
Fleet Commander of Planet Doom

Hey Cossack,

I nominate Prince Lotor for november's loser of the Month because he thinks with his boner instead of his Brain when he battles the voltron force if you catch my drift.

that is all,

Gary White

Hi again Gary,

Hmm, looks like I had a few emails from you. Don't feel bad though, I didn't answer any of Haggar's either, and hers had the red important flag and everything.

I get your point about Prince Lotor and how the blood leaves his brain to go south when Princess Pinky's around, but if I made him Loser of the Month, I'd be coding next month's loser from the bottom of the Pit of Skulls.

Cossack the Terrible
Fleet Commander of Planet Doom

Hey Cossack,

I've seen most of the music videos on your site, and they're good, but I'm thirsting for more. I was wondering if you knew any Sites Where I can find more voltron Music videos, or just Anime music Videos in General, that kick ass. I'm also having problems with certain videos(namely Windows media movies at Purrsiathunder's site) They Either not play at all Or Not download right (Which usualy gives a "File Is invalid or corrupted" Message when you click on it). Any advice on that problem?

Sincerely

Gary White

P.S.

Women are Like Voltron, in that "the More you hook up, The better It Gets"

Hey Gary,

Right now we've got all the videos we have here in Castle Doom up on the site. There are plans to make more, but one of our underlings is in charge of encoding the better quality video found on the Australian DVDs and he's slacking, so we're holding off on that until those are done. Glad you liked what's there, we all like 'em, well except for Haggar and the "ugly girl" one, she's still a little bitter about that.

As for your problems with the other vids, other than making sure you're using the most up to date drivers and the most recent version of Windows media player, I'm stumped. I'm not much of a techie, and if I get stuck I ususally direct those problems to the robots.

Cossack the Terrible
Fleet Commander of Planet Doom

P.S. - Women are also like Voltron in that if you get on their bad side, you get more B.S. than you ever bargained for.

I hope you don't get p.o.'ed that I am about to insult Doom's war strategic skills, however... Why does it seem that so many *brilliant* Doom plots are more like half-assed schemes? For example: killer frogs. KILLER FROGS?? You've GOT to be kidding! Or how about evil mice of doom who over run the Castle of Lions. Mice? Eek! The Horror! Oh wait that's right, Allura LIKES mice. Wasn't Doom suppose to be an undefeated super power before Voltron came around? And this is the best they can come up with? By the way, is Prince Lotor on steroids? Is that why he has such a hot temper?

P. S. Say hi to Prince Lotor for me even though he does not know me, and will wonder who the hell you are talking about
P. S. S. Don't insult Queen Merla, I like her! And yes, you can tell her she does actually have a fan.

Most of our plots do involve small, seemingly useless critters that are supposed to transform into vicious, flesh-rending beasts. Unfortunately that doesn't always pan out. When the plans work as intended they're great, when they don't, eh, well I don't need to tell you. You're the one complaining to me about it after all. I don't know where these ideas come from, but Lotor generally says Haggar and Haggar says that her plans are fine and it's Lotor screwing them up. Zarkon pretty much blames them both. So maybe that would be a better question for Haggar. Could be that she just has a surplus of frogs and mice in her lab. She doesn't clean her bathtub much and you don't want to hear about the weird things in her closet that the mice could be getting into. Trust me.

Oh, do you want me to tell Lotor you said hi before or after I explain that you're the chick who thinks his muscles aren't natural and are the result of 'roid rage? Honestly, unless you're blond, I don't think that'll get you far. But hey, you never know. Merla will definitely get a kick out of it at any rate. I just hope it doesn't swell her head too much to find out she's got a fan though.

Have something to say to Cossack the Terrible? Then fire off an email to me.