And the loser of the month for June 2006 is...

Joran!

So why does the former Doom soldier turned slave Joran win the un-prestigious title of Loser of the Month?

Well, because he's the kind of sanctimonious human we here on Doom detest the most.  He's a pretty tough guy (for a human) from a planet we conquered, and was one of the ones smart enough to take the offer to fight for us in our army rather than give us a smarmy defiant speech about how he won't do that because we're evil and mean and nasty and sacrifice young virgins to our demon gods and screw farm animals in our spare time.  (Actually, contrary to whatever GA media spins you've heard, we actually don't sacrifice virgins.  For one, a virgin of legal age on Doom is about as easy to find as a fresh pack of donuts in the Castle of Lions after Hunk and Nanny have been through so we wouldn't waste them that way, and as for the farm animals, well I can't speak for some of our nobility but I'm sure not into that and I think I can speak for those of us in Castle Doom to say I don't think they go for that either.  Well, there are rumors about, er, well, we won't talk about that.)

Anyway, as I was saying, Joran went ahead and joined Doom's fine army as one of the select few humans we permitted to be cannon fodder soldiers fighting with our fine robots, and he made it all the way up to a pretty prestigious rank because he was that good. (Read: He was a ruthless ass-kicking bastard who did all the things we naughty Doom soldiers do.)

Then one day he had this sudden attack of conscience, and stopped one of our robots from whipping a slave that had earned it because he felt sorry for the guy.  This is the same guy that had blasted through landscapes and bombed towns on planets we invaded like nobody's business, but I guess that's irrelevant.  Even worse, he mouthed off about how wrong it all was and tried to shove this newfound morality down our throats.

Needless to say, those in command were not impressed, and he was demoted to what he should have been to begin with, a slave.  Moral of the story, folks?  Never send a human to do a Doomite's job!

So off he went to the slave pens, where even the slaves hated his guts because he was such a hypocritical asshole.  That didn't teach him to shut up and keep his sanctimonious whining to himself though, instead it just gave him some lame martyr complex.

I took special pleasure in mocking him whenever I ran into him!

Unfortunately Joran managed to escape in the middle of one of our lazon mining operations.  Apparently the Voltron Force encountered him, bought into his melodramatic tales of woe and "Oh but I've changed and I'm good now" bullshit and they recruited him for their team.  He helped them blow up our lazon processing plant on planet Zaul and hooked up with some Zaulian chick who apparently likes reformed losers.

And aside from grumbling about the loss of our lazon factory, there was much rejoicing here on Doom, for that was one less angsty and unproductive loser breeding dissent in our slave pits!

Want to see the past Losers of the Month?  Visit the Loser Archives!

This section was inspired by a friend from the Thundercats fandom and her memorable Loser of the Week feature on her now-defunct website.  If you have any nominees for a future Loser of the Month, by all means send them to me!

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