Ah, it seems we have another advice-seeker.
Dear Haggie,
I'm a debonair, suave, charming, handsome, eligible, sexy, brilliant, and altogether perfect prince of a very powerful planet. I can't imagine a single reason why any woman would not fall at my feet in adoration, yet there is a beautiful princess I'd like to make my bride who constantly rejects me no matter what I do. I've sent her flowers, love letters, heartfelt messages of love, and even fought wars in her name, all for her! I refuse to believe that she can't love me because my world has a reputation for being "evil" or that she really likes that mullet-headed fool human that hangs around her like a flea-ridden puppy when she can have a living god of a prince like myself. How can I convince this confused beauty that her fate is to be with me?
Yours truly,
Her Perfect Match
Dear Perfect Match,
While it's true that women like confident men and you certainly
don't seem to be lacking in ego confidence, I feel that I
should point out a few things that might help you woo your sweetheart.
First of all, it undermines the romantic message to send flowers when their
pollen poisons her rebellious people. Yes, I realize that your intent was
efficiency with that mission, but it really didn't endear you to her. The
love letters were probably never read by her, as she has a watchdog nanny that
burns anything addressed personally to her from you to save her the trouble of
such conflicts that a "naughty scoundrel" like you might draw her into.
Also, if by "fighting a war in her name" you mean "doing your best to conquer
her planet and beat her and it into submission" you may need to rethink your
caveman approach. Your delicate flower of a would-be bride is a little shy
with men that come on so strong. Perhaps if she could be assured that you
wouldn't gut and disembowel her friends or destroy her world in the process of
courting her, she'd be more inclined to be wined and dined by you.
Personally, if I were you, I'd find someone a little more your evil speed. There are plenty of princesses in the sea of the universe, my prince, and I think it's time to face facts and throw this one back.
That said, avoid the ones with pink hair if you do go looking for a more dark-minded bride. Especially ones with braids. I hear they're black widows that kill pretty little princes in their sleep and should be avoided at all costs.
Sincerely,
Haggar, Royal Witch of Doom and Advisor to the King Who Controls Your Trust Fund
Have a burning question you'd like to ask Doom's witch?
Well, I don't give out my email address, but
cossack@cheezey.org will be happy to
deliver the message.
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