Let's see who our first victim inquiring mind
is.
*sigh* I should have known.
Dear Haggie,
I'm a very important, very powerful, very talented commander in probably the biggest evil fleet in the universe. But for some reason, I have trouble getting the respect I deserve. Even though the same dumbass robot has defeated my boss, his boss, my co-workers, and my predecessors, everyone I work with picks on me and says I'm dumb just because I crack jokes. Even worse, the good guys and their allies do it too, and some of them even diss me based on my looks, and let me tell you, I've seen pictures of some of these humans and they're nothing to brag about. I'm sure I get more sex than they do! So tell me, Haggie, since you're really old and have been around the block, how do I go about setting my reputation straight?
Sincerely,
Doom's Most Terrible Commander
How to improve your image, "Terrible Commander"? Oh, where do I begin...
First of all, your looks are what they are, but I'd like to tell you about a little invention we have here on Doom called a comb. Use it. Love it. Make it a part of your life. Daily.
Second, corny jokes have their time and place, but when you're in the midst of a serious evil scheme is not always the best time to bring them up. Much like falling asleep at an important speech. (Yes, I do it too, especially when King Zarkon gets on a roll, but you notice I pull my hood down so no one notices.)
As for the pathetic humans allied with Arus or the Galaxy Alliance, who cares? They'll learn soon enough not to mock you, me, or anyone else on Doom when we make their planet a robeast playground and feed them to the pets we have in the arena. Remember, the humans already know how inferior they are to us, so they resort to stupid insults like "you're dumb" or "you're ugly" in a pitiful attempt to make themselves feel better.
Now go out and conquer something useful, and surely King Zarkon and Prince Lotor will give you all the respect that you deserve.
Sincerely,
Your favorite neighborhood witch
Have a burning question you'd like to ask Doom's witch?
Well, I don't give out my email address, but
cossack@cheezey.org will be happy to
deliver the message.
Return to Dear Haggie or Cossack the Terrible's Tour of Planet Doom