Letter of
the Day
By Coldwin
“I just did what Lotor told me to do honest!” Cossack cried over his shoulder.
“Cut!”
The fleeing Commander stopped and turned. “How was that?”
“Perfect Cossack. We’ll see you at the wrap party later tonight?”
Cossack nodded. “All right, I’ll see you guys then.” He waved and turned heading for his trailer. “Looks like I can finally answer that fan mail now.”
Reaching into his pockets he pulled out the key to the small aluminum box that was his private space on WEP’s weedy back lot. Admittedly private space was a relative term, on both sides stretched a row of similar trailers for the other ‘stars’ of Voltron, Defender of the Universe.
He scowled a little as he neared
his door. His name was scratched out. Under ‘Cossack the Terrible’ was now written ‘
He grabbed a beer from his mini-fridge and plopped down into the recliner next to the window that housed the trailer’s small, and often broken, air conditioner. After taking a long swig of his drink he pulled the battered tri-horned fleet helmet from his head and sat it carefully on the end table next to his chair.
“Now let’s see, what have we got in here today?” he grunted, pulling over the heavy mail sack. “I should answer these carefully, in the order they’re post marked and with lots of time devoted to each.” Having so decided he casually up-ended the bag onto the floor beside him and selected a letter at random.
It was in a plain white envelope with plain font and no return address.
“Spiffy,” he remarked opening the envelope and shaking the letter out.
Mr. Terrible
We would like to offer
you a new credit card at 0% interest for the next five years.
He crumpled it up without reading farther. “Mr. Terrible? Geez, I’m a freaking cartoon character, and that’s not even my last name!” He looked around for the waste basket, it was full. “Ah well, Dino-boy can clean it up.” The offending letter sailed gracefully across the room and into the small sink.
He grabbed another letter from the pile.
Dear Cossack
I have a friend in the
Voltron fandom who says you are nothing but a big dummy who
sucks and is stupid.
Love
A. Hole
Cossack sighed and picked up a pen.
Dear A. Hole
To
be completely honest with you, I get that a lot. Cossack confuses a lot of people.
Which
begs the question, who is stupid, me or your friend? You see the role is that of a loyal soldier of
the King who likes to goof off whenever he can get away with it.
Cossack
can be a very serious and cruel person, look at “Little Buddies” when he
ordered Hunk’s child friends’ heads blown off.
On
the whole though he’d rather kick back, relax, and be waited on by sexy harem
girls.
Who
wouldn’t?
Cossack
the Terribly Smart.
He shook his head. “Kids today, if you don’t go ‘Rawr, I am an evil bad ass!’ in every episode they just don’t respect you. I wonder if Mumm-Ra gets letters like this? I mean even bad guys have lives outside of being bad, where do they think little villains come from?” With another shake of his head he grabbed another letter.
The next envelope made him blink in surprise.
It was tastefully hand written and came in a normal envelope, what surprised him was the content.
Cossack
This letter is about
Zarkon.
I am his biggest fan
and there are a few things I’ve wondered about for sometime.
How tall is he
exactly? He must be huge!
Why does he always
where a dress?
Are those his real
ears?
Why doesn’t he just
kill Lotor and try again?
When you’re the fishy
ruler of a galactic empire it shouldn’t be that hard!
K
“Oh man, even Zarkon has fangirls! This internet thing has gone too far.” Picking up his pen he answered.
This letter is about Zarkon.
Next time send it to him then, I play his Commander, not his secretary.
I am his biggest fan and there are a few things I’ve wondered about for sometime.
Me too, like why he isn’t answering his own fan letter.
How tall is he exactly? He must be huge!
Cossack sat down the pen laughing to hard to continue for a moment then resumed.
Actually he’s a 4 foot 6 midget on stilts. I call them fish sticks!
Why does he always where a dress?
To hide the fish sticks.
Are those his real ears?
Yes, everything is really him until you get to the fish sticks. Hehe fish sticks, I crack me up.
Why doesn’t he just kill Lotor and try again?
According to the guys at WEP killing Lotor would lower the bishie rating of the show and our rating would die a more
horrible death than a robeast under the blazing sword.
When you’re the fishy ruler of a galactic empire it shouldn’t be that hard!
Never write to me about Zarkon and sex again!
K
Cossack
P.S. Fish Sticks!
Laughing softly at his own wit Cossack reach deep into the pile for another letter.
Dear Cossack
I know you’re a bad
guy and all but I am so jealous. You get to work all day around Princess Allura
and Captain Keith! Don’t they make the
cutest couple? He’s so handsome and
Allura is so pretty. They’ll make a good
King and Queen one day! Allura is so
nice and cares so much for her people and everyone else. I wish I lived on Arus with the Princess!
Hugs and kisses, Allura4Ever!
“Oh wow.” Cossack blinked. “Who gave the poster child for Ritalin my mailing address? Oh well.”
Dear Obsessive Fan on a Sugar High,
I’m glad that you took
the time to write to me about how much you like Allura. I feel really special now. Ok to answer you sugar-induced squee soaked letter.
Allura is a pretty
blond with a decent set of hooters, I would say she is definitely cute.
Now as to her being
nice and marrying Keith? Oh man I
wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, and the guy
playing Keith isn’t that bad. His most
annoying trait is talking about Nascar
a lot but that’s a subject for another letter.
See the thing about
Allura is she thinks she really is a princess, and unlike the one on the show
she is a real ice queen. You should see
her, she’ll insist on retaking the same shot over bazillion times because she
thinks one of the others made her look bad.
She’s always giving Keith
a hard time, why do you think they never kiss on camera? He can’t stand her! Not that any of the rest of us blame him.
And she’s such a prima
donna, you should hear her go on and on about her
wardrobe. She only wears 3 freaking
outfits during the show but she has a 10-foot closet full of crap.
I tell ya she should
have been cast to play Merla instead.
You’d like Merla she shows up every morning in
jeans and a t-shirt ready to get to work. Oh and once she brought doughnuts for
everyone. Yea she’s real cool, doughnuts are a good way to get on my good side.
Thanks for writing, I
like talking about doughnuts!
Cossack.
Cossack got up and stretched. “Man I gotta go, I’ll answer some more later.” Sticking his newspaper under his arm he headed for the bathroom.
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