31. Season One, Episode Thirty One - “The Sincerest Form of Flattery”
Doom Log File Title: “Royal Challenge”
Summary: Haggar is busy at work in her lab when a soldier comes in to tell her that Zarkon and Lotor are bickering again, this time in the arena. Zarkon unleashes some gladiator beasts on him, but Lotor defeats them and then challenges his father in one-on-one combat for the throne. Zarkon wins, but Haggar intervenes before he axes him and advises him to beg, plead, and grovel. For someone who’s usually arrogant, he learned to kiss ass real quick. I’m guessing that blow to the head did some brain damage…a shame it was temporary. Lotor gets pretty desperate and even offers himself up to be turned into a robeast, but Haggar has a better robeast up her sleeve that day so she tells him maybe another time. The robeast Haggar has cooking is a robot similar in build to Voltron, but supposedly superior. The giant international yield sign on its chest…a big hint of its potential success. Lotor takes it to Arus, where they’re launching a new advanced early alarm system not-so-cleverly named “At Ease.” (Cossack’s Note: Who came up with that acronym, anyway? I’m no grammar expert, hell, the only way I passed my Doom Language classes was because I threatened to beat up the nerds if they didn’t correct my papers before I turned ‘em in, but even I know AEAS doesn’t spell “at ease!”) Incidentally, we don’t use Arusian slaves for skilled, i.e., literate, labor. If they didn’t wanna end up scooping dirt in their slave careers, they should have picked up a book. Those that spell Doom as “Duum” are immediately shot and thrown in the Pit of Skulls. If they write the D backwards, they are required to shoot themselves. Just our small way of making the Universe a more intelligent place.
So yeah, anyway, Lotor goes to Arus and blasts away at some of the At-Ease rockets and sure enough, out comes Voltron to play. This new robeast of Haggar’s does pretty well for a while, destroys a city, shorts Voltron out and even blasts his blue leg off sending Pinky for a tumble. Unfortunately the BS comes out eventually and although it doesn’t do the robeast in right away, it does slice him in half before long. Zarkon finds out and mocks Lotor via satellite, (ah, that was sure fun!) but Lotor’s not quite finished yet and sends in a squadron to finish off Voltron. But that doesn’t work out because Coran and Nanny come to the rescue from the Castle of Lions, and it’s all over but the trip home and the groveling to dear old Dad for Lotor.
Notable Doom Highlights: The arena scene was great. Nothing like a royal challenge for the throne to get everyone on Doom in on the betting pool! This is called the “Right of Might” and it’s one of the older laws on our books. It’s a pretty good way of weeding out weenie rulers before they can screw up our evil empire. If you’re the royal heir and you think you can do a better job, you’ve got the right to demand the chance to take it. Yup, actually it used to be available to any citizen, but some clever use of White-Out fixed that up…but not before I was the last one to use it. My predecessor was worthless, and I was tired of making minimum wage scooping robeast…wait, lemme scratch this out. Dammit, where IS the White-Out? Just be sure you can win, and you won’t miss the royal parent after you kill ‘em. During the fight Lotor slices Zarkon’s robe off, so you get to see that snazzy black outfit he wears underneath (I know a certain witch was hoping for more, but maybe next time, huh Haggar?) and Zarkon cuts right through Lotor’s ax helmet, leaving him bleeding. Haggar also tries to score some brownie points with Lotor while all this is going down. I don’t know if it’s because she’s pissed at Zarkon’s latest rejection or just because she’s afraid Lotor might win against her father and she’d be out of a job though. Well, she asked me if she looked old and fat in her new hood, and I said, “Yes, I’m not blind.” The one time I’m honest, and look what happens. I’ll never do that again.
Notes: The GA media release of these events is kind of amusing. For one, when Zarkon told the gladiators to get Lotor “out of his sight” they weren’t security guards—their intentions were to give Lotor something a little more permanent than temporary eviction from the arena, if you get my drift. The things probably hadn’t even been fed yet that day. They were a bit agitated after being forced to listen to Lotor’s love poems. Works better than starvation when you wanna get them into an aggressive mode. Also, over on Arus, apparently the yellow lion pilot is the only one who’s honest about their intentions. He suggests attacking Zarkon before his forces can attack them. I don’t like tubbo, but I can respect that as a battle plan. Everyone else meanwhile blabs on about how Voltron is a defender and never invades first, and all that happy horseshit. Nemone, Tyrus, Maura… those planet names ring any bells, Voltron? I guess once you put skulls on your ships, that’s when you’re an invader. I suppose if I put a teddy bear logo on instead, we’d be philanthropists. Nah, an evil empire has to keep its dignity- and no matter how many of my robeasts get recycled, at least our mascot isn’t a stuffed toy.
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