Greetings, pitiful humans, and welcome to my humble little advice column. Cossack, ahem, generously gave me some space (not my own domain, or even my own subdomain or directory, *grumble*, but whatever) on his page so that I could share my many years of wisdom with those of you who visit his cluttered corner of planet Doom as a new feature, because he whined about having to deal with losers for too many years. Not that I don't have better things to do, like build robeasts or brew potions or even take Coba to get a much-needed grooming, but Zarkon thinks that this will be a good way to give others in the galaxy a little insight into the way of life here on Doom before we conquer them. Personally, I think this is his twisted way of getting even for that hairball Coba left on the throne cushion, but who's to say, and we all know better than to question the oh-so-mighty wisdom of King Zarkon.
Anyway, let's get on with this "Dear Haggie" shall we? (I'm going to leave a robeast in Cossack's sock drawer for suggesting that inane title to Zarkon and Lotor, by the way.)
Now this is interesting... a long-distance note from another planet!
I'm the princess of a peaceful planet and heir to its throne. Obviously, it's a matter of some importance that I marry a respectable prince. Unfortunately, the one prince that does seem to really want to match with me just happens to be from a very evil world that has terrorized mine in the past. I just don't see how that can work, can you? However, he seems to think that "uniting" with him will make peace, but I can't trust a man like that, even if he is (oh, I hope Nanny and the guys don't see this) kind of handsome. I've tried telling him that I'm not interested in every way I can think of. Some of them weren't even very nice! But he still insists on pursuing me. How do I make him get the hint?
Sincerely,
Perplexed Princess
Dear Perplexed,
Oh, dear. You really think that you can stop a spoiled prince that's used to getting whatever he wants, when he wants, just by telling him "no"? Hmm, well, I can see how that's worked out for you so far, otherwise you wouldn't be writing to me.
If you're really determined not to court him (that remark about his looks does make me wonder if you like leading him on, you know!) you'll probably have to take the hardcore approach. Yelling, slapping, even pulling weapons isn't enough to stop a prince hell-bent on a conquest of an amorous nature. No, you'll have to pull out the big guns. Start with chopping your pretty silken locks off and going with a bald look. Eat sweets and junk food all day and put on at least fifty pounds, and then squeeze yourself into unflattering spandex dresses. Cutting back on bathing to once every two weeks and picking up atrocious table manners wouldn't hurt, either. I know a certain commander who could give you some great tips on that, if you decide to go that route.
Now, making yourself so unattractive may also shrink your dating pool of princes you don't want to reject considerably, but at least you'll know that whoever you snag loves you for your brains or personality... or your planet, anyway.
Good luck!
Haggar the Wise
| Previous Inquiries |
| Doom's Most Terrible Commander |
| Her Perfect Match |
| Good Help is Hard to Find |
| Gone and Forgotten |
| A Royal Dilemma |
Have a burning question you'd like to ask Doom's witch?
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