Greetings, pitiful humans, and welcome to my humble little advice column. Cossack, ahem, generously gave me some space (not my own domain, or even my own subdomain or directory, *grumble*, but whatever) on his page so that I could share my many years of wisdom with all of you who visit his cluttered corner of planet Doom as the new monthly feature, because he whined about having to deal with losers for too many years. Not that I don't have better things to do, like build robeasts or brew potions or even take Coba to get a much-needed grooming, but Zarkon thinks that this will be a good way to give others in the galaxy a little insight into the way of life here on Doom before we conquer them. Personally, I think this is his twisted way of getting even for that hairball Coba left on the throne cushion, but who's to say, and we all know better than to question the oh-so-mighty wisdom of King Zarkon.
Anyway, let's get on with this "Dear Haggie" shall we? (I'm going to leave a robeast in Cossack's sock drawer for coming up with and suggesting that inane title to Zarkon and Lotor, by the way.)
Let's see who our first victim inquiring mind
is.
*sigh* I should have known.
Dear Haggie,
I'm a very important, very powerful, very talented commander in probably the biggest evil fleet in the universe. But for some reason, I have trouble getting the respect I deserve. Even though the same dumbass robot has defeated my boss, his boss, my co-workers, and my predecessors, everyone I work with picks on me and says I'm dumb just because I crack jokes. Even worse, the good guys and their allies do it too, and some of them even diss me based on my looks, and let me tell you, I've seen pictures of some of these humans and they're nothing to brag about. I'm sure I get more sex than they do! So tell me, Haggie, since you're really old and have been around the block, how do I go about setting my reputation straight?
Sincerely,
Doom's Most Terrible Commander
How to improve your image, "Terrible Commander"? Oh, where do I begin...
First of all, your looks are what they are, but I'd like to tell you about a little invention we have here on Doom called a comb. Use it. Love it. Make it a part of your life. Daily.
Second, corny jokes have their time and place, but when you're in the midst of a serious evil scheme is not always the best time to bring them up. Much like falling asleep at an important speech. (Yes, I do it too, especially when King Zarkon gets on a roll, but you notice I pull my hood down so no one notices.)
As for the pathetic humans allied with Arus or the Galaxy Alliance, who cares? They'll learn soon enough not to mock you, me, or anyone else on Doom when we make their planet a robeast playground and feed them to the pets we have in the arena. Remember, the humans already know how inferior they are to us, so they resort to stupid insults like "you're dumb" or "you're ugly" in a pitiful attempt to make themselves feel better.
Now go out and conquer something useful, and surely King Zarkon and Prince Lotor will give you all the respect that you deserve.
Sincerely,
Your favorite neighborhood witch
Ah, well it seems we have another advice-seeker.
Dear Haggie,
I'm a debonair, suave, charming, handsome, eligible, sexy, brilliant, and altogether perfect prince of a very powerful planet. I can't imagine a single reason why any woman would not fall at my feet in adoration, yet there is a beautiful princess I'd like to make my bride who constantly rejects me no matter what I do. I've sent her flowers, love letters, heartfelt messages of love, and even fought wars in her name, all for her! I refuse to believe that she can't love me because my world has a reputation for being "evil" or that she really likes that mullet-headed fool human that hangs around her like a flea-ridden puppy when she can have a living god of a prince like myself. How can I convince this confused beauty that her fate is to be with me?
Yours truly,
Her Perfect Match
Dear Perfect Match,
While it's true that women like confident men and you certainly
don't seem to be lacking in ego confidence, I feel that I
should point out a few things that might help you woo your sweetheart.
First of all, it undermines the romantic message to send flowers when their
pollen poisons her rebellious people. Yes, I realize that your intent was
efficiency with that mission, but it really didn't endear you to her. The
love letters were probably never read by her, as she has a watchdog nanny that
burns anything addressed personally to her from you to save her the trouble of
such conflicts that a "naughty scoundrel" like you might draw her into.
Also, if by "fighting a war in her name" you mean "doing your best to conquer
her planet and beat her and it into submission" you may need to rethink your
caveman approach. Your delicate flower of a would-be bride is a little shy
with men that come on so strong. Perhaps if she could be assured that you
wouldn't gut and disembowel her friends or destroy her world in the process of
courting her, she'd be more inclined to be wined and dined by you.
Personally, if I were you, I'd find someone a little more your evil speed. There are plenty of princesses in the sea of the universe, my prince, and I think it's time to face facts and throw this one back.
That said, avoid the ones with pink hair if you do go looking for a more dark-minded bride. Especially ones with braids. I hear they're black widows that kill pretty little princes in their sleep and should be avoided at all costs.
Sincerely,
Haggar, Royal Witch of Doom and Advisor to the King Who Controls Your Trust Fund
Have a burning question you'd like to ask Doom's witch?
Well, I don't give out my email address, but
cossack@cheezey.org will be happy to
deliver the message.