Flames, Rants, & Hatemail from Disgruntled
Third-Earthers!
Flames, Rants, & Hatemail from Disgruntled
Third-Earthers!
Here it is: the sad, the bad, and the just plain stupid emails from assorted angry Third Earthers who have taken out their frustrations on our advice columnists from the very beginning.
Flame #1-- "Ticked Off Tiger"
Hey Mumm-Ra and Luna,
I resent the way you speak of me, uh, I mean that guy that "Troubled at the Tower of Omens" talked about. For one, Mumm-Ra, I think that your intolerant gay-bashing reference to me as the "raging little queen" is highly uncalled for! I am simply proud of who I am, and that's nothing to be ashamed of, you decomposing moron! Besides, I know that miss "troubled" probably wouldn't give you the time of day, no matter how lonely she gets. As for you, Luna, you can take your psychoanalysis and stuff it! I don't know what kind of jerks you live with, but I am not repressed or a loser, and I don't appreciate your insinuation that all men are alike. Maybe if you got laid you'd lighten up! And "troubled" would never join the lunatacs either. She's got too much class to hang out with a bunch of morally bankrupt wackos with nasty dispositions and big ears.
Sincerely,
Ticked off Tiger
Hey Ticked,
Oooooooohhhhhhh, is it that time of the month for you again, Your Highness???
Be careful how you toss those insults around, my *friend*, lest you wind
up with a very sore ass!! And I can assure you that sex will have nothing
to do with it this time! Maybe if you open up that closet door and let in
some fresh air you wouldn't be such a little prick! Which, Pumyra (or should
I say "Troubled") tells me, was all she ever got from you while she was dating
your pathetic carcass. She did a helluva lot more than just give me "the
time of day," honey! You're just jealous because I can get laid more easily
than you. Hell, you're jealous that I haven't laid YOU! I'm ever-living,
I've been around, I admit I've had men here and there. Hell, I've even slept
with Lion-O, and how insane is that!? Matter of fact, why don't you go do
a little "male bonding" with the 'ol boy? If you're as lousy a lay (and I
believe you are) as he is, then the two of you should get along just fine.
In the future you would do well to channel your hostile energies into a more
appropriate pursuit like your bedroom activities instead of directing them
at me. Next time you feel like giving me a piece of your mind, Tiger, do
yourself a favor: DON'T! One, you can't afford it, not with your meager brains.
And two, I might not be in such a forgiving mood and I will be only too happy
to show you what the inside of your own asshole looks like. GOT IT, QUEENIE!?
Go ahead......make my day,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Ticked off Tiger,
Who the hell do you think you are??? The fact that you're so bent out
of shape over my "psychoanalysis" just shows that I hit a nerve. If
you ask me (and you did, with that silly little flame of yours) I think you're
so repressed you're about to snap with all this inner tension. Besides,
if you knew how to read you'd see that my reference to the newly out of the
closet gay men was not even in my response to "Troubled", it was in response
to "Cold Woman". Not that I expect you Thundercats to be able to read
anyway, I mean, you're all inbred and you personally seem to possess
about half the IQ of a retarded bruteman! And what is with that ear fetish
of yours? Twice you've mentioned them (once when you insulted "Troubled",
and now when you dare to insult the mighty lunatacs) even though they have
absolutely nothing to do with the topic of discussion. I wonder if
you aren't some depraved wacko yourself! We lunatacs may not be the
sickeningly nice and "moral" people you Thundercats claim to be, but
at least we aren't hypocrites! You Thundercats go around acting all
high and mighty but you sure do a lot of sleazy things when you think no
one's looking! And nasty dispositions, well I make no bones about who
I am! Can you say the same thing, mister "I led my girlfriend on for
months even though I was gay because I was too emotionally repressed to figure
out that I liked big muscles and tight butts instead of curves and breasts"???
Oh, and since you're so concerned about my "getting laid", I'll have you
know I had a *real* man last night, one who was probably twice as well endowed
as you, tiger-boy, and twice as intelligent too! It's men like you
that make me thankful for my dear, loyal Amok! He at least knows how
to show me a good time and knows when to keep his mouth shut, which is obviously
a concept beyond your feeble-minded grasp.
You take that and stuff it,
Luna
Flame #2-- "Really Ticked-Off Tiger", or Part 2
Mumm-Ra and Luna,
Well don't you two feel important taking my legitimate complaint and turning it into a session of immature flaming and name-calling?
Mumm-Ra if you think I'm jealous that you haven't seduced me then you don't have even one tenth of the brains that I thought you did (and that wasn't much). I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last being in existence. Lion-O is ten times the man you'll ever be, in bed or otherwise. You are the most repulsive creature I have ever seen, and if Pumyra actually was stupid enough to sleep with you then I feel sorry for her that she has such warped judgement. As for kicking my ass, just try it, you simpering little yes-man of the ASOE, that is if you have the balls to do it. Somehow I think you're all talk and no action (again, in the bedroom and otherwise). Why don't you go and take out *your* frustrations in a healthy outlet, like trying to get whatever ever-living bug that crawled up your ass out of it?
And as for you, Luna, you big-eared freakshow midget, how dare you call me repressed or stupid? You don't know me or a damn thing about me. If this oh so wonderful man you refer to is Amok then I feel sorry for him. I wouldn't wish the fate of having to listen to your obnoxious voice day in and day out on top of looking at your ugly face all the time on anyone, except perhaps that loser Mumm-Ra. As far as being stupid, if I'm stupider than a retarded bruteman, and can still outsmart you stupid-ass lunatacs, that doesn't say much for you now does it, sweetheart? So why don't you do all of Third Earth a favor and keep your useless "advice" to yourself and that ugly trap of yours shut?
Sincerely,
Really Ticked-Off Tiger
Dearest Really Ticked Off Tiger,
Have I offended you??? GOOD!!!! Because I want to do it again!!!! You deserve
a big hand for your long-winded speech......right across your mouth! Apparently
I didn't make myself clear enough to you when I told you not to rant at me
again, punk. You're a fine one to talk about immaturity and lack of brains!!
The only thing bright about you is the seat of your pants! My poor heart
is just utterly broken, knowing you wouldn't sleep with me!! But then, it
wouldn't be any fun for me anyhow, because unlike you, I at least give my
lovers something stiff!!! Seeing as how you obviously cannot read anything
else besides male skin magazines, I thought I should let you know that I
fully intend to get rid of this so-called ever-living bug....namely, YOU!!!
You want repulsive? Try Luna at 6 am wearing her cold-cream mask and her
hair in curlers with a frighteningly see-thru nightgown. Now THAT'S the stuff
true nightmares are made of!!! As for Loser Lord Lion-O, yes, he is stronger
than me, but bad breath and unspeakable body odor aren't everything you know.
Your problem is that you're so tight-assed you squeak louder than a mouse
when you walk. No wonder no one can stand you!!! Well, I take that back,
the only things that can stand getting close to you are fleas!!! Let somebody
else borrow that stick of yours for a while..........you know, the one you've
got shoved up your ass, and maybe you'll find someone to hook up with other
than Lion "I'll Do Anything" O! And if you think (which you shouldn't be
doing in the first place since you'll hurt yourself) for one second that
I won't nail your whiny ass into the ground, then you are dead wrong. According
to Tygra and Pumyra, YOU'RE the one who's all talk and no action!! (Especially
in bed!!!) Just ask Zaxx, Slithe, and Charr-Nin (for starters) to tell you
all about what I do to people who piss me off!!! This is officially your
FINAL warning.............mess with me again, and the next piece of ass you'll
be poking that little head of yours into (and you may take your pick of which
"head" I'm talking about!) will be your own!!!!!!!! Nighty-night, sweet
prince(ss)!!!!!
Sincerely yours, darling,
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living and ALL-POWERFUL!!!!
Dear "Really Ticked-Off Tiger" (oh my aren't *you*
original),
You have the absolute gall to call me stupid when you're the one who writes
back begging for more abuse? First of all, the only things that have
kept the Lunatacs from kicking your miserable Thundercat hides off of Third
Earth are bad luck and even worse help (i.e. Mutants, Mumm-Ra, etc.). Second
of all, I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are repressed
and stupid, and I don't need to know you personally to determine that! You're
an idiot, plain and simple. No further explanation needed (although
I could provide one, I have not the desire to use only the one syllable words
that are the only ones you can comprehend). Also, since you have given me
a forum to do so, I will ask again, *what* is with you and this "big-ear"
hang up of yours?! You've brought it up a third time! What, did
someone with big ears beat you as a child (not that I could blame them) or
something? On Plundarr and it's moons, where I come from, big ears
are a sign of attractiveness. So is being petite, which you so rudely
referred to as being a "freakshow midget". Of course being a reject
with an afflicted voice and bad fashion sense you wouldn't know much about
attractiveness, now would you? No wonder you can't get laid except by a
hallucinogenic fruit-addicted and equally fashion-deficient tiger! I'd
have to down a few of Silky's specials to have sex with you too! As
for keeping my advice to myself, sorry, that's not my job. If you don't
want to hear my opinion, I suggest you not ask for it next time.
Refusing to keep my trap shut for the pathetic likes of you,
Luna
Flame #3-- Alluro Strikes Back!
Luna,
That's it, I've had about all I can take of you abusing your position as a columnist in this trashy tabloid to make your snide little comments at me! I have counted five separate occasions where you have apparently felt compelled to insult me. It stops here and now you obnoxious little troll, or I'll sue you for slander! I don't appreciate being referred to "arrogant jerk" and I am infuriated at your not-so-subtle remarks about those "gay all along but too insecure to admit it" men that you live with. It was bad enough when you sold those fake (and they *were* fake) photos of me and Lion-O, that set of me and TugMug, and now that badly edited photo of me and Mumm-Ra, but stooping to this is truly deplorable (even for you), tarnishing my reputation in a publication that reaches every corner of Third Earth! And even if I had experimented with a few men, what would give you the right to announce that information all over the planet?! I think it's about time you thought twice before opening that overactive mouth of yours and spreading lies all over Third Earth just because you're jealous that I won't waste my time and considerable *talents* on you when it comes to bedroom activities.
Alluro
My dear Alluro,
"Considerable talents"?! Don't make me laugh! If you're so damn talented
in bed then why do you have to use your psyche club to get laid by anyone
other than Lord "I'll screw anything that looks at me" Lion-O, TugMug, or
Mumm-Ra, whose got more than a few notches on his sarcophagus as well?! If
you think that I'm jealous that you won't sleep with me, then you're as
delusional as you are arrogant! Why in the name of the moons of Plundarr
would I want to sleep with a whiny, good-for nothing, egotistical, balding
jerk like yourself when I can have Amok who (as I have pointed out to our
Ticked Off Tiger friend) is much more well endowed than you (no this *not*
the voice of experience, just what I heard from Chilla when she dumped your
sorry ass) and, unlike both you and Ticked Off Tiger, knows when to keep
his opinions to himself! As for tarnishing your reputation, what's to tarnish?
All of Third Earth knows that you're a sleaze who will sleep with anyone
who offers, be them women, men, or even animals probably. And give it up
with the faked photo line already! Nobody's buying it, especially our
intelligent and insightful readers. The Third Earth Inquirer is far
too classy a publication to stoop to using faked photos just to sell a few
more papers. As for calling you an "arrogant jerk", well I was only speaking
the truth, so you can't sue me for slander, my dear. The definition of "slander"
is "publishing things that are deliberately inflamatory and untrue". There
isn't a court on Third Earth that wouldn't agree that you have an ego the
size of Mumm-Ra's pyramid and there are plenty of witnesses to testify to
the fact that you are indeed a jerk. As for the other things you claim I
said about living with the repressed gay men, well, I didn't name any names,
yet you seem to *think* that I must have been referring to you, which means
one of two things. Either your ego is even bigger than I could have imagined,
assuming that I must be talking about you and not RedEye or TugMug, or something
in my statement rang true and you're pissed off about it. After all, given
some of the letters printed in this publication, both Lion-O and Mumm-Ra
seem to think they're a hot time in the sack, so maybe you're questioning
your own orientation after being with them and being dumped on your ass by
Chilla. Is that, Alluro dear, did I strike a nerve?
Printng whatever the hell I damn please,
Luna
P.S.-- Perhaps you should get together with our dear friend "Ticked Off Tiger",
you two seem to have a great deal in common: you're both passive-agressive,
you both are lousy in bed (again, *not* the voice of experience, just what
I've heard through the grapevine), and both oriented in an alternative lifestyle.
In fact, why don't you give dear Tiger a call? I'm sure he'd be happy to
help you out of the closet. Who knows, freeing your repressed desires might
be therapeutic and actually make your presence tolerable to
others.
Flame #4-- Lion-O's Pissed...
*Dear* Mumm-Ra,
How DARE you call me a lousy lay, you rotting hunk of diseased rhinocerous pizzle!!! Like you're any great f***ing prize yourself!! Frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't fallen off after all these years! You think you're such hot snot just because you're ever-living. Hey pal, you're not as hot as you think you are, and that includes in the bedroom! I've had animals who knewhow to f*** better than you did!! You oughta know by now, Mumm-Ra, that if you mess with me you're going to get your ass beaten. I'll shove the Sword of Omens up where the sun don't shine the next time you feel like telling all of Third Earth about my sexual activity!
Yours truly,
Lion-O
My *darling* Lion-O,
My, my, my, I had no idea that when you were talking about shoving the Sword
of Omens where the sun didn't shine you were referring to yourself! I always
wondered what you did with that sword in your spare time! To think that you
were using it to get your jollies!!! Lemme ask ya, after the countless hours
you spent digging through that hairspray-lacquered, overdyed, overteased,
overweaved mane of yours to find it, how long did your worthless pea brain
take to come up with that "diseased rhinocerous pizzle" bullshit??? The truth
is, Lion-O, I CAN'T tell all of Third Earth about your sexual
activity..........BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANY!!!!! Listen, snookums, YOU were
the one who wrote to ME asking for advice, so knock off the spoiled whiny
brat crap!! You wanted advice, you're getting it! And since you are stupid
enough (not that I'm surprised) to come right out and admit in your crybaby
flame that you've had sex with animals, I'd say you deserve every bit of
the harassment you're getting! Face it, Lion-O, you've dated some real dogs!
And the women weren't much better either! I'm not even going to discuss the
men in your pathetic life.........with the exception of course being me.
As far as I'm concerned sleeping with the Lord of the Thundercats has proven
beyond a doubt that nightmares CAN come true! You made that night we spent
at the pyramid one I won't soon forget, no matter how hard I try! Call me
a loser, will you!? If I'm so bad in bed then how come I've systematically
screwed my way through practically the entire population of Third Earth,
hmmmm??? That also includes your Thundercat women!! They may have hated my
guts at one time or another, but boy, when I got together with them one on
one we sure as hell weren't making war!!! It figures that only *I*, Mumm-Ra
the Ever-Living, would be able to please them a lot more than you ever could!!!
Hell, any time I've ever slept with any of your former lovers, female OR
male, they've always wanted me back instead of you!!! I told your fruitcake
friend Ben-Gali, oops, I mean, Ticked Off Tiger this, and now I'm telling
you: I may not look like I would win any f***in' beauty pageants, but I can
damn well do what you obviously can't: give *my* bedmates something stiff!!!
Since you're so desperate for some action, why don't you find this Tiger
fellow? Then you two lovebirds can blow away and leave me alone! Or better
yet, how about giving Sleazy Slithe a call? He's pretty desperate himself,
and him being a Mutant, I'm sure he'd qualify as an animal, seeing as how
that's the way you like to swing lately! I promise you you'll be getting
screwed one way or another!!! Sayonara, sweetheart! Oh, and here's another
tip for you too, Lion-O: Deflate that ego of yours and then you won't have
such a hard (*snicker*) time getting a different portion of your anatomy
to swell to gargantuan size!!!
All my love and kisses......NOT!!!!!
Mumm-Ra
Luna's Note: Hey Lion-O, if you hurry up and call "Ticked Off Tiger" right away, you might get a chance to do a threesome with both him and Alluro. Maybe between the three of you whiny, egomaniacal, repressed jerks you can finally let out all your tensions (and possibly, pooling your resources and "talents", come up with at least *something* stiff) and spare the rest of Third Earth (and Mumm-Ra and I) your melodramatic bitter drivel.
Flame #5-- A Jilted Reptile Speaks His Mind!
Mumm-Ra,
So you think I'm a stalker do you, yessss? Well I'm not a stalker, I'm just persistent. Despite the cruel way you reject me time and time again, I'm still trying to convince a certain "hard to get" mummy that I am worth his time and attention in the bedroom, and if he would get over his foolish pride, I could show him a better time than any of those other men could! Think about it, Mumm-Ra, imagine my tail lashing against your back while my tongue lashes against your body sensuously, making you feel better than I bet you have in thousands of years! Ask Lion-O how good I am with my mouth, he knows all too well, thanks to your cruel game playing. You toy with my feelings and break my heart, but I want your hot undead body nonetheless. Give it up, Mumm-Ra and let me show you a good time! How about it, yesss?
Slythe
(Editor's Note: After about an hour of nonstop laughter, Mumm-Ra was finally able to trash this last letter that he received and compose a suitably scathing reply to it.)
Slithe,
Isn't it a shame you can't get anyone to love you the way you love yourself?Come
to think of it, you've known only one great love in your life--YOU!! To date
you I'd have to be double D: deranged and desperate!!! You think my Christmas
party stunt was cruel!? You ain't seen nothin' yet, scuzzball!!!! Actually,
seeing as how you and 'ol Lion "The Ho" O got on rather well that night,
I'm surprised you're not chasing him! After all, he does have a thing for
animals, you know. Speaking for myself, there is absolutely, positively,
NO WAY IN THE SEVEN HELLS OF THIRD EARTH that I would even briefly CONSIDER
going out with you!!!!!!! GOT THAT, SLITHE!?!?!? Because the next time you
hit on me I'm going to introduce your slimy ass to my foot, and give you
the ass-kicking you so thoroughly deserve!!!! Go bother your buddy Vultureman
if you get turned on by men in skirts!!!!! Don't gross me out with your revolting
descriptions of things that will only happen in your dreams and my nightmares!!!
Oh, and if you're thinking of sending me another stupid flame/come-on in
response to this response, forget it. Not only will you merely succeed in
pissing me off further, but you will have signed your own death warrant!!!
So do your part in preventing air pollution by keeping your fat mouth shut,
and make like the snake you are and LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My worst regards,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #6-- "Cold Woman" Wants Her Money Back
Luna & Mumm-Ra,
Just thought I'd let you know, you two suck as advice columnists! I wrote in with a problem and all you two assholes did was insult me! First of all, who the hell do you two think you are saying *I* drive men to be gay because I'm bad in bed?! I'll have you know that I'm damned good in bed! And by the way, Mumm-Ra you useless hunk of mutant excrement, I am not "frigid", I am a frozen lunatac! There's a big fucking difference, and I can't help it if my physiology is colder than most people's being adapted to a cold climate! Telling me to "warm up a bit" was not only insulting and absolutely an idiotic statement on your part, but it's impossible. I'd melt! As for you Luna, I know it's not my sexual performance that's making these guys dump me, I was just wondering why I was attracted to such jerks! If you had even the slightest fucking clue you would have picked up on that! Why don't the two of you stick to what you're good at-- oh wait, nevermind, neither of you are good for anything!
Thanks for nothing,
Cold Woman
Dear Cold Woman,
Well well well, aren't *we* defensive? You're very sure of yourself and your
sexual performance aren't you? Well honey, I don't think so, or you wouldn't
have written to us in the first place! But if you insist, far be it from
me to argue with you, after all, you *must* be right. If this is the attitude
you take with your lovers, I'm not surprised they dumped you or left you
for men! I wouldn't want to be around you either, you seem like a real bitch.
Actually, you remind me a lot of one of my roommates (gee, isn't that a
coincidence!). As for why you're attracted to jerks, people are instinctively
attracted to qualities they see in themselves, be them positive or negative.
Of course, this is probably too advanced a train of thought for someone who
resorts to flaming and cursing, so I'll spell it out in terms you understand:
these men like you because they think you're just like them, and you are!
Now that we've settled that little matter, let me clarify this: I am the
one who was hired to be the advice columnist, missy, not you! Someone who
can't even keep a sleaze like Alluro (who will sleep with anything) or that
stupid hormone crazed boy WilyKat (again, who'll sleep with just about anything)
in her bed has no room to criticize me about the advice I offer on other
people's love lives! So why don't *you* stick to what you're good at and
go make yourself a nice stiff ice statue and relieve some of your sexual
frustration with it?
Love,
Luna
Hey Chilla,
Before I start, would you mind reaching into your heart and getting me a
piece of ice for my cocktail? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words
will never hurt me! Just thought I'd let you know you suck as a flame-writer!
If we're not good for anything, then how come the Third Earth Inquirer asked
us to be advice dispensers? For the record, we advice columnists do not insult
our clients. We take our duties very seriously. We merely speak the truth
when we advise people on their (pathetic) lives. Remember, YOU came to US
for help, and we gave it to you. It's YOUR problem if you can't handle it!!
So don't get all bent out of shape at us, lady!!! (Look who I'm calling *lady*!)
"Frigid," "frozen lunatac," same thing! I still stand by my earlier statement.
So what if you melt!? Matter of fact, it would benefit everyone if you DID!!
Of course, Luna would reign undisputed as THE bitch of Third Earth, but that's
another story.......If you're so "damned good" in bed, dearie, then how come
three--count 'em--three--of your boyfriends dropped you faster than a burning-hot
pan??? You remind me of disposable diapers: you're always getting dumped!!!
Looks to me like YOU'RE the useless hunk of mutant excrement!!!
Coolly yours,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #7-- Just When You Thought You'd Heard The Last of Him...
Mumm-Ra and Luna,
You know, you two are utterly unbelievable! You call me all these oh-so-wounding names and tell me I'm the one who's stupid and immature and stooping to flaming and blah, blah, blah... well I have only one response to it: F*** YOU! You've got a lot of f***ing nerve insulting me time and time again. If you recall, the only reason I resorted to flaming you assholes is because you insulted me in your response to Pumyra, a.k.a. Troubled at the Tower of Omens. You two couldn't take the truth, and decided to go on and make rude remarks attempting to attack my masculinity and sexual performance while refusing to face the true issue that myself (and everyone else on Third Earth) knows: you don't have a f***ing clue about giving advice, and you don't give a sh*t about helping people either! All you're here to do is take out your own little insecurity complexes by insulting those who write in for advice and making yourselves feel big in the process (which in the case of you, Luna, is about the only big thing about you except for your ego and your ears; and in Mumm-Ra's case is in physical size only, except between your legs, where you fall sadly short, or so I've heard). So here's a bit of advice from me to you: learn to do your f***ing job right or shut the f*** up and get the hell out of the advice business!
Extremely Ticked-Off Tiger
P.S.-- By the way, I am not threatened or intimidated by either of you in the least. You wanna come kick my ass? I dare ya! By the time I get through with you, you'll be crying on each other's shoulders and wishing you'd never picked up a f***ing issue of the Third Earth Inquirer, much less gone to work for it!
Bengali, Bengali, Bengali... aren't we feeling hostile
today! The Third Earth Inquirer's censoring staff had quite a ball with your
letter, I haven't heard that much profanity since the last time Alluro got
frozen where it counts by Chilla! I must say, Bengali, even though your spiteful
flame is meant to wound me to the core, it has succeeded only in incapacitating
me with laughter while reading it instead! You really have a talent for whining
and making an ass out of yourself! Now Bengali, I'm not going to waste my
breath on another lengthy rant at you, simply because I realize that with
your obviously limited intelligence, you are incapable of comprehending what
I've already said. Instead, I will put this in the very simple and vulgar
terms that you will have no trouble understanding: 1) I 'm f***in' good at
giving advice and that's why I work here, 2) I'm damned proud of my big ears,
3) I'm not afraid of you or any of your big tough Thunderkitty friends, 4)
I could kick your whiny little ass in a heartbeat, and 5) You're a big dumb
f***!!!
Love,
Luna
Dear Extremely Ticked Off Tiger,
You're into S&M, aren't you!? You must be! Why the hell else would you
disregard my previous warning and bother me with yet another of your whiny
flames!!!!! The idea of violence turns you on big time, doesn't it??? Well,
sweetheart, you're about to get your wish, because I have had it with your
bitching!!!! The fact that you've written in a third time just proves my
point that YOU are the immature asshole!!! First of all, what the hell are
you doing reading your ex's mail, hmmm??? No wonder she dumped your worthless
carcass, aside from the fact that you couldn't get it up in bed!!! Second,
I know you'd love to jump my bones the first chance you got, but I wouldn't
screw you with Slithe's prick and blame it on Luna!!!! Unlike you, *I* know
how to take care of business, bedroom and otherwise! I get great incentives
for it, too! Like bribes, dates, and the immense pleasure of humiliating
clueless dipshits like yourself!!! If ignorance is bliss, then you must be
the happiest person on Third Earth, not to mention the rest of the galaxy!!!
So do YOUR job right and stop global warming.............KEEP *YOUR* F***ING
MOUTH SHUT!!!!!!! Do Third Earth a favor and donate your brain to a needy
person, like Luna or Lion-O, since *you* obviously have no intention of using
it!!! Hell, by the time I'm finished using your body as a punching bag, you
won't be needing ANY of your organs!!! As for that pathetic scrap of a pecker
you call your "masculinity," you might as well give it to Tygra, he's an
uptight little prick himself, so he should enjoy it quite nicely!!!!
Coming to kick the shit out of your crybaby tight-ass,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #8-- Lion-Ho's Opinion
Dear rotting, decaying, dried up heap of shit:
Mumm-Ra, you are such an asshole! How dare you print *again* that I am lousy in bed?! You and I both know full well that you have enjoyed yourself every time you hooked up with me, at least if your cries of "oh yes, take me, you Thunderstud!" were any indication!! Personally I think you are just bitter and jealous because I haven't slept with you lately!
And by the way, Red-Eye, if you are reading this, don't get any ideas about killing me and Amok while we're "indisposed". Like all of Mumm-Ra's ideas, it's a half-assed stupid plot that would never work. But if you still want to get together, Alluro has my number. *wink, wink*
Now Mumm-Ra, for the last time, leave my name out of the fucking column or you're goona face a threat a lot worse than my sword, you undead son of a bitch!
Take this and print it,
Lion-O
Dear snarf-loving alien-screwing stuck-up arrogant Jaga-butt-kissing spoiled bratty Thunderslut of a ho,
Kiss my mummified ass, Lion-Ho! I will talk about you in my column all I fuckin' well please! LION-HO SLEPT WITH ALIENS!!! LION-HO DID SNARFS!!! LION-HO AND ALURO, SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!! Nyah, nyah, nyah, see!? What could you possibly threaten me with that I haven't already faced??? Naked pictures of Luna? Willa singing? Snarfer singing? HA!!! I spit on your stupid threat!!! You know what you can do with that puny *sword* of yours!!! YOU'RE the one with the problem because your oversized ego, the ONLY large thing about you other than that lice-infested hairsprayed-to-death mane of yours, can't take rejection! You have to get yourself off by spreading TOTAL LIES about your former lovers!!!! You wouldn't get dumped on all the time if you A: didn't SUCK (and I ain't talkin' oral sex, honey!) in bed, B: weren't such a COMPLETE and UTTER PRICK (NOT meaning that limp lizard between your legs), and C: didn't tend to give phony, self-serving, egotistical, holier-than-thou long-winded speeches along the lines of that "good will always prevail over evil" bullshit! Maybe if you let us win once in a while we evildoers wouldn't be such assholes! Oh, who am I kidding? Of course we'd be assholes! Well, we wouldn't expose you to the Inquirer as often as we do. Not that it matters much because you do an excellent job of that on your own, LION-HO!!!! Bitter and jealous over your whiny carcass?? Moi?? NOT!!!!!!!! Go fuck an alien if you're so desperate for attention! Or if they're giving you the cold shoulder too, I hear there's a two-for-one sale on lifelike Lion-Ho-sized Luna Blow-Up Dolls at the Thunder-K-Mart on New Thundera!! If all else fails, then qwitcherbitchin' and go do something to yourself that is anatomically impossible!!! In case your Berbil Beer-pickled pea brain can't comprehend that last sentence (which I highly suspect is the truth), here's the translation from Swearing For Dummies, Thundersluts Version 0.5: GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!
P.S.: Flame me again and I'll see to it personally that the Third Earth Inquirer is the first to know about your endearing little habit of sucking your thumb in your sleep.....Ooopsie, I just let the cat out of the bag, didn't I? Too bad!
Happily airing all your dirty laundry and getting away
with it,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #9-- Another Dissatisfied Customer!
To the midget demon and the dead guy,
Okay, first of all, I'd like to say to Luna that you're nothing more than a punk-ass piece of crap. How DARE you threaten to sell me off to the Mutants! Just for that, I think I will carry out that threat with the riding crop! You're always saying, "Amok will do this to you, Amok will do that to you." Ohhh, scary! Well, let me tell you this, Amok can kiss my sweet pale ass! He can't thrash what he can't catch, and I know I can run a hell of a lot faster than that dumb piece of shit! Go flush yourself down a toilet, you slimey little bitch! Oh, as for you, Mumm-Ra, that plan of yours wasn't bad, except you left out two crucial details: 1.) Lion-O will sleep with anything but Amok. 2.) What am I supposed to do? X-Ray Amok to death?! Luna keeps the Lunatac arsenal under constant lock and key, so getting my hands on a weapon is out. Besides, I have my own ways of getting around that beast (candy anyone?). Oh, and by the way, what's this crap about how you despise bedding with Lion-O because he's such a "lousy lay"? How do explain those pictures of you and the Lord of the Thundercats in that cauldron (how you converted it into a bubble bath is beyond me), lip-locking and exploring each other so romantically? Hell, I'm surprised The Ancients haven't reduced you to a smoldering pile of ashes for such a sacrilege upon their holy ground! Oh, and about those 3 a.m. calls that you "hate" so much. Lion-O tells me that every time he makes a call, you waste no time coming (or should I say "cuming") over to Cats Lair to screw him, Tygra, Bengali, Panthro, Cheetara and just about every Thundercat who happens to be present! Look, I don't know why you keep trying to convince yourself that you hate Lion-O (My guess is that it's some sort of ancient, macho evil instinct to hate all good-doers), but then again, who you like and who you don't like is strictly your business, so I won't argue with you on that. Well, I could go on and on, but for right now, I'm off to Cats Lair to do a foursome with Lion-O, Alluro, and Jackalmann.
Sincerely,
Red E.
My dearest darling RedEye,
*You'll* shove a riding crop down *my* throat, honey? I DON'T THINK
SO!!! But if you're so eager to play with my crop, I do have somewhere you
can shove it... namely up your pathetic whiny chicken-shit ass! You and I
both know you don't have the guts to actually attack me, you snivelling four-eyed
worm! I'll warn you now, you even breathe wrong in my direction and I'll
kick your ass from here to Plundarr, or better yet, I'll make good on my
earlier promise and sell it to slimy Slythe for a good time! As for your
supposedly not being afraid of Amok, those are mighty brave words coming
from the same guy who jumps back ten feet and has to change his underwear
every time Amok so much as growls in his direction! He may not be able to
catch you if you run, but even if you do it's only a matter of time before
you have to come crawling back to Skytomb... you're too much of a loser for
anyone else to put up with, unless you plan on going and shacking up
with one of your new boyfriends or something. Now please, RedEye... oh, excuse
me, "Red E."... do us all a favor and shut the hell up.
Thinking maybe you should try dating "Ticked Off Tiger",
Luna
What kind of fuckin' psychology shit have YOU been reading!? You actually have the balls to think I have a *gag* thing for Lion-Ho!? Well you're dead wrong! I've HATED that Thunderslut from the day I first set eyes on that arrogant prick!! And as for those FAKE pictures from the Inquirer, when I get my hands on the asshole who made and published them, they'll wish they were already dead!!!!! The Ancient Spirits understand that IF I have to do the enemy, it's for evil purposes ONLY! The only Thundersluts I would even CONSIDER going over to Cats' Lair to screw are Cheetara and Pumyra for the record! HELLO!!! Lion-Ho's the enemy, OF COURSE he's going to lie about me to take the heat off his own shitty reputation, which as we all know involves perversions the likes of which Third Earth has never seen before!!!! THE MAN SLEEPS WITH ALIENS AND SNARFS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! And in case you forgot, Lion-Ho WILL sleep with Amok.......if you get him "properly motivated", heh heh heh! How the hell do you think he and Aluro first got together!? Because both of them were drunk off their asses! Since you seem to think you know it all when it comes to your problems, then get off your big ass and do something about them! As for Amok, two words: ARSENIC CANDY! Now get to it and KICK LUNA'S ASS!!!!! I WANNA SEE THAT!!!!
Going postal at the pyramid,
Mumm-Ra
Luna's Note: Get real, you overconfident bag of bones (and hot air). You'll never be rid of me, neither you or RedEye has the balls or ability to get rid of the great and powerful Princess Luna!
Flame #10-- Red E. In Stereo
To Princess Ugly and the Mad-About-Lion-O mummy,
WooHoo! I just got back from my foursome, and let me tell you, it was so awesome! I mean, I never would have guessed that Jackalman, of all people, had talents in S&M! Alluro was great too; he's especially good with his tongue, and Lion-O . . . well, let's just say that he can do many wonderful things with both of his swords! Now I can see why you love to bang him so much, Mumm-Ra! You can't deny it, either. As my bitch of a boss once said, The Inquirer goes for authenticity and would never stoop so low as to publish fake pictures. Oh, and Loony Luna, let me tell you that I really don't give a flying fuck about your idle threats. Why? Well, for one thing, I know that you have neither the guts nor the mental capacity to sell me off to slimy Slythe. Hell, the only Mutant that I would even THINK about screwing would be Jackalman. And another thing, YOU are going to kick MY ass?!?! Don't make me laugh! What are you going to do? Nibble my ankles? Step on my feet? Honey, a cockroach could run you over! The only thing that you've got to protect your nasty ass is your main bitch Amok, and if you haven't noticed, he isn't the brightest bulb in the box. There are countless ways to get around him, as Mumm-Ra has pointed out. So, I'd suggest that you watch your back, because when I'm through with Amok, I'm going to break your frail little troll body in two! Now, if you'll excuse me, Alluro and I must be off. We heard that the Warrior Maidens are going to be bathing in a pond in just a couple minutes.
Hope I didn't make any typographical errors this time,
Red E.
Post Scriptum: Luna, we'll be taking your camera with us, though I doubt you'll ever see it in one piece again. The Warrior Maidens can be real bitches at times (like you) and they tend to break our stuff.
My dearest, darling, precious, and most favored
correspondent Red E:
(that's sarcasm by the way, since I know you're not smart enough to figure
that out without me saying so)
I would almost be intimidated if you weren't so damned pathetic when you made your threats and insults! I keep hearing you talk big about finding a way around Amok and saying you don't take me seriously, but here you are doing nothing but whining to me about it in an email! That is because a) you know I can do a lot worse to you than bite your ankles (a nice beating with the more painful whips and crops in my collection, for instance) and b) you know damn well my threats aren't idle. If Amok is such an easy obstacle to get around, why haven't you done it? I'll tell you why-- it's because you are a whiny, spineless, snivelling, cowardly, useless, and until recently, sexually frustrated, lump of shit!
As for the mutants, you're probably right... Jackalman is the only one pathetic enough to sleep with you! Even Slythe has better taste than that, he probably wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. This explains why your boyfriends are Lion-Ho, Alluro, and Jackalman-- they are the biggest loser sluts on the planet, along with that decaying, reflection-fearing stiff Mumm-Ra and some of his disgusting dates.
Oh, and have plenty of fun with Alluro and your warrior whores doing your "thing" and breaking my camera (Hell, the sight alone of two ugly slimeballs like you and Alluro having sex with anything is enough to shatter the lens of your average camera!). It's not like I don't have others, and furthermore, I don't waste the effort of taking pictures of you and the other lunatacs' sexploits anymore... it's too hard and painful on my delicate senses. That is the job of my informant and the Third Earth Inquirer's Secret Agent, so don't think for a minute that getting rid of *my* camera is going to keep you off the cover of the next issue.
Watching you make an utter ass of yourself yet
again,
Luna
To the Thunderslut-and Mutant-screwing imbecile:
Red Eye, you lousy lying asshole, what drugs have YOU been taking lately!? Are you sure you didn't get a little something extra from that junkie Tygra when you went to have your fun at that orgy??? Your accusations are total garbage! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE Lion-Ho!!!!! Whoever put in that crap about us being a couple in the Inquirer is gonna die!!! For all I know, it was you, seeking to get everyone's attention off of your own perverted excursions! If that's so, I strongly suggest you get your ass out of town, because if I find out it's true you are one dead Lunatak, pal!!!!
Suing you for defamation of character,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #10-- Jackalman's Two Cents
Okay, I find that I must finally break my long silence and sound off on the issues here.
First off, 'Red Eye', you should have a 'red face' after that performance at our impromptu orgy. I didn't want you invited, but that Thunderslut Lion-O is always trying to cover for his own inadequacies by bringing new virgins around to make himself look better. Of course it doesn't work. I was hoping your rod would be less shrivelled than your face. It's called an erection, man, and they are required for sex. But you didn't know that, did you? As to your gracious comment about my prowess: why the hell is everyone always so surprised to find out I'm the best lay on Third Earth? I'm certainly not a fighter, so it makes sense I would be more of a lover than most of the pathetic wretches around here can handle.
Speaking of which, Luna, darling, I was glad to see you recommend me to the apparently scatterbrained "Tabby-Tha". She never called though, the bitch. But I see in your reply that you refer to me as a pathetic loser slut. I am not pathetic. I think some little troll needs another good dose of dog lovin' to mellow her out again.
And finally, the corpse. Dead, but never silent, more the pity. I don't think that you are one to talk to me about having balls. Red Eye couldn't get it up and he was still a better lay than you, decayed boy. I had to blow the dust off your dick last time because it gets so little use. The only way you can get a stiffy anymore is rigormortis. So you can take your battle advice and shove it up your sarcophogASS where it belongs.
The canine god of lust,
J.M.
My dear J.M,
First of all, that's too bad about Tabby-tha never calling... but last I hear she was underage and her mommy took away her computer from her anyway, so it's probably all for the best. Now, as for the little matter of my calling you a "pathetic loser slut", well, I did not say anything that wasn't true. You do get around quite a bit, from what I hear, and screwing Lion-Ho is definately pathetic in my book, as is answering to a jerk like slimy Slythe. The fact that you let that sleazy, stupid reptilian boss you around shows some definate loser characterics by my definition of it; therefore I have printed the truth! As for some more "dog lovin'", well, going at it doggie style was never my thing anyway, and for your information calling me a troll is NOT the way into my bed. Maybe if you learned a better technique in dealing with women, you wouldn't be stuck being turned down by every bitch on Third Earth.
Love,
Luna
Dear J.M.,
Umm, kindly refresh my memory here, but WHEN THE FUCK DID I EVER SCREW YOUR HAIRY ASS!?!?! Methinks you have been hanging around that Thunderslut Lion-Ho a liiiiiiiiiiiiiittle too long---you've obviously picked up his habits of sleeping with everything that breathes and inflating your own self-importance!! It stands to reason that you'd forget who you slept with sooner or later too! Maybe you ought to stay on Wayoutback Island doing the horizontal mambo with your best friends Monkian and Captain Bragg in the FREAK SHOW part of the circus train where YOU belong, and abstain from future whinings to me about your sex life as it will accomplish you nothing but an ass-kicking from me! Got it, Rover!?
Take THAT bone and bury it up your skinny egotistical
ass!
Mumm-Ra
Flame #12: The Other Half of the Story... Ticked-Off Tiger's Boyfriend Defends His Honor
Luna and Mumm-Ra,
I have a problem with the way you both dissed my boyfriend. First of all, I'd like to say to Mumm-Ra that calling my Benny a "raging little queen" wasn't the smartest thing to do, but then again, you've never done anything intelligent. I really don't give a fuck that you are the "personification" of all evil! You know very well that both Bengali and I have kicked your rotten ass COUNTLESS times in the past and we can certainly do it again! Hmm . . . maybe if we taught you a little lesson in S&M (I'm VERY good with my whip, mind you), then you might finally shut your gay-bashing piehole and get a life (so to speak). As for you, Luna, nobody cares that you are considered attractive on your home world (I'd hate to see their definition of ugly)! To our standards, you're nothing but a nasty little troll riding around on a dumbass beast. So WHAT if I used to be a junkie?! More than half the population of this whole fucking planet is on drugs! And another thing, you have the sheer nerve to call us Thundercats losers?! Speak for yourself and your "almighty" Lunatacs. You, Amok, Chilla, RedEye, Alluro, and TugMug are the BIGGEST group of screw-ups on Third Earth right next to the Mutants and that ever-living slut Mumm-Ra! So, my advice to you would be to watch who you make fun of in this little column, for you may regret it!
Cuddling with "Ticked-off Tiger" while I write this,
TigerStud
P.S. How was your latest escapade with your boy-toy Lion-O, Mumm-Ra? HA HA HA HA HA!
Dear "TigerStud",
Well well well, looks like someone's been visiting Silky again, hasn't he? After all, anyone that would dare to insult the great Luna that many times (not to mention someone with bad enough taste to date "Ticked Off Tiger") must be on drugs! Since your fruit-pickled brain probably won't process anything too complicated, let me spell out a few things here in simple and clear terms. First of all, I could care less if you think I am attractive or not, stripes. I still get laid by better men than you... I think you're just jealous. Second, if tripping out on fruit or playing with rocks (and yes, I mean the keystone, though no doubt you play with those other "rocks" of yours quite often too) constitutes normal behavior, then why is Mandora constantly bringing you in for DUIs and other drug-related crimes? (Assaulting Snowman in a bar and calling him "Grune" ring any bells?) Thirdly, the Lunatacs are not the ones on this planet who are losers. Last I checked, we weren't led by a redheaded slut who doesn't do anything but play with his *ahem* sword all day and wear a silly outfit consisting of nothing but blue underwear. Speaking of silly outfits, you could use a new wardrobe yourself. Here's some free fashion advice-- try picking out something a little more manly (maybe you'd better ask your "buddy" Ticked Off Tiger to help you out with this one, since I hear he's the man in your relationship) and please remember that shiny blue spandex and orange & black stripes clash!
Making fun of you, not regretting it, and planning
to do it again,
Luna
TigerSlut,
My, don't we have an overinflated opinion of ourselves! Dear, face it: You're BOTH raging little queens with no lives whatsoever! I really don't give a mutant's ass if you don't like my opinion. EVERYONE'S entitled to it, so too bad, LOSER! What does it say for YOUR intelligence (or rather, lack thereof!) when you waste your time and mine and get yourself a well-deserved ass-kicking by penning stupid little flames like this one? And as for kicking *my* ass, I'd like to see you try it, girlie-man! If you and your boy-toy Ben-Gali think you've kicked my ass 'countless' times, you've got another think (among other things) coming, sucker. I can zap your ass into limbo any time I feel like it, and right now I'm feeling pretty evil enough to do just such a thing. So go ahead..........make my day. Do ya feel lucky, punk?!
Oh, and by the way: The next person to spread the TOTAL LIE that Lion-Ho and I are involved, gets a nice gut-grinder up their ass. Have a nice day.
Evilly yours,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #13-- Jackalman's In The Doghouse!
Dear Luna and Mumm-ra,
First off Luna, I am *not* a pathetic loser slut! I'm just a slacker with an over-active libido. You'd be a slacker too if you had to get your ass kicked by the same group of mangy felines every day for years...oh, but I forget, you do get your ass kicked by the same mangy felines every day. So don't get all high and mighty with me, you don't do 'high' well enough for that. As for technique with women, I may not talk the talk, but I do walk the walk. And I didn't see you complaining about my canine lust last time we gave that riding crop of yours a work out!
And Mumm-Ra, the bone up my ass was yours, obviously either the dry rot from your groin has made its way up to your brain, or you have a case of dementia that has advanced several thousand years. You have the most selective sexual memory I have ever seen. You've screwed more of Third Earth than I have, which is impressive, and yet you have the pertrified balls to walk around pulling this 'oh I haven't gotten any in centuries' act. Face up to it, Mumm-Ra, you did Lion-O, you did me, you did Luna, S-S-Slythe, and uncounted others. I would lay even money you've done Ma-Mutt when no one was looking. You two always did seem just a little too...close...
The Canine God of Lust,
J.M.
J.M. darling,
Slacker, loser, call yourself whatever you like, but in my book they are all pretty much the same thing! I don't care how good you are in bed, you're still nothing but a spineless lackey who is in desperate need of a backbone! As for the crack at my height, you certainly didn't seem to mind when my stature allowed us to perform some of the kinkier bedroom positions that ill-fated night we spent together! And all sex aside, I may be short, but at least I don't let the other lunatacs boss me around... can you say the same for yourself and the mutants? Especially when sleazy Slythe gives you lessons in "submission"?! Now, let this be a warning... don't flame me again, dog boy, or I'll *really* give you a whipping to remember!
Love,
Luna
Dear canine god of eternal loserdom,
Listen, dog boy, not once have I *ever* so much as made a pass at your hairy scrawny wreck of a body! Not even that putrid Inquirer has printed any lies about you and me, so there's proof right there that I've never done you! Not that I have ever done any of the others of course! Unlike the rest of you sluts *I* have scruples. And how dare you suggest that I and Ma-Mutt would ever get it on! That's disgusting, though I'm not surprised that your tastes would run in that direction seeing as how you've got canine blood. You, however, came out of the shallow end of the gene pool, which explains your inferior pea brain and your pathetic delusional fantasies that you're supposedly something of a stud. HA! Well, I suppose with Luna, you would be considered good action. Probably the only action she ever sees, aside from her riding crop and Amok, heh heh! So why don't you stick to doing what you do best, which is being a loser, and lay off the dumbass crybaby flames. The only thing they accomplish is to become target practice for me when I'm pissed off at cowering wretches like you.
In short, J.M., get a life or drop dead. Preferably drop dead, which is what I daresay you'll do when you overexcite yourself during your daily jerk-off session.
Scorning you as usual,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #14-- "Refrans" has a hissy fit!
Dear Luna and Mummy,
How dare you insult a fellow snarf! Especially you Mumm-ra, you bag of bandages and bones! Don't you think we know your dumb chant by now? I could easily defeat you as Snarf-era! And Ma-mutt doesn't love you Mumm-ra! He told me! Of course, you don't remember the time you treated him bad and he became good, do you? DO YOU? He talked to me passionately using that device I made. Did you really think I made that device so that we could find out what your evil plan was? As for you Luna, that night meant nothing to me! You are just a slow leprechaun with cancer! You had the choice between me and Amok, and I guess we all know who you chose. And as for Ma-mutt, why he's right here with me. ::barks come from the background:: Coming dearest... uh... and BTW Cheetara, Pumyra, and Wilykit, they don't mind me being with Ma-mutt... haha we could even say "they are right here behind me 100%!" Ta ta for now!
Hate always,
Refrans
My Dear "Refrans",
How dare I insult a fellow snarf? Quite easily, actually! What, do you actually suffer from the delusion that you are *snicker* intimidating or something? Even trying to insult me, you are, as I once heard Alluro phrase it, "a mere furry joke!" It figures that our one night stand meant nothing to you... sure, you Snarfs all pretend you aren't capable of evil, but I know the real truth, and so does the rest of Third Earth.... just check out their informative When Snarfs Attack page, it tells the real dirt on you vile creatures!
Only proving true that Snarfs are to be feared,
loathed, and hunted down like the vermin they are,
Luna
To the half-pint hairball,
Somebody has a little identity problem methinks----you're confusing yourself with someone INTELLIGENT! For your information, Ma-Mutt happens to be sleeping right here on the floor next to me as I write this. You idiot, don't you think I know a mailed RECORDING when I hear one?! Ma-Mutt would never betray me for a whiny slut like you! Okay, so I got a little pissy when he trashed my $2000 rug, but hey, wouldn't you? Anyway, I said I was sorry, what the hell more do ya want from an everliving source of evil like me! Apologies are just not my thing, so sue me! Frankly I'm not surprised that you'd keep such low company like Luna, she's the only one around your size! But then you horny college boys can't keep it in your pants, kind of like a certain famous First Earther I remember----Clin-something-or-other. But as I was saying, there is no way a spoiled brat snarf like you can kick *my* ass! That "Snarf-Ra" thing was just a one-time-only accidental fluke, and believe me, I chewed the dumbass ASOE out good for fucking up that badly! I'm back and badder than ever, so don't mess with me kid, or you'll find yourself right in the doghouse alongside Jackalman and a few dozen others!
Oh yeah, and the next time you feel compelled to spout off your loser complaints, you might try to come up with some other not-so-painfully-obvious alias. That "Refrans" business is so majorly lame, SNARFER!
Giving you the boot,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #15-- Complaints from a crabby competitor!
To the short troll, and the walking bandages
I run my Dear Crabby column and I noticed you've been getting more people seeking advices than i usually do. SO I have reached this conclusion: you stole it from me. I'm going to be short, you little trolls.
First of all, there is enough room for just one Smartass advice columnist, and despite your tiny size, your big mouth is stealing my people! And that mummy should keep his own damn business in his sarcophagus.
Secondly, only real lamers would encourage people to come back for more flames. Especially you, Luna, who makes people go crying to their Mommies. In Mumm-Ra's case it would be his Mummy.
Finally, I demand you to apologize to everyone whom you flamed. Yes, everyone.
Your enemy,
Dear Crabby, advice columnist
Dear Ms. PMS a.k.a. Crabby,
You have a lot of nerve insulting me, you washed up has-been! There's a reason that no one writes to you anymore-- namely, because YOU SUCK! I think you're just jealous that the Third Earth Inquirer (and our advice column along with it) has a circulation figure roughly ten times higher than yours. There is only one thing you have said that I agree with-- and that was your comment about Mumm-Ra keeping his business in his sarcophagus. (Let me tell you, readers, there is nothing worse than seeing Mumm-Ra come in here first thing in the morning complaining about his little mummified "staff" falling off because of dry rot after a failed attempt to get some from one of those Thundersluts (probably Lion-Ho) the night before). But I digress. Let me set the record straight. I do not encourage flames. I tell it like it is. The flames happen because the losers who write in can't take the truth, and blame me (wrongly) for their pathetic lives. It's not my fault that they're too stupid to think before they type out their mindless drivel. As for an apology--- BWAHAAHAAAAAAAAA! In your dreams! I meant every word I typed, and I stand by it. Now let me give *you* some free advice, crabby-- go in a corner and retrieve that crab stuck up your ass before writing to me again!
Deepest regards,
Luna
Flame #16-- Red E.'s still all hot and bothered...
My dearest Luna,
Well, well, well, look who's slacking off on her duties as an advice columnist. I think you should be aware that you're extremely lucky that Cheezey hasn't already fired your ugly ass. From what I hear from her, you and Amok have become quite the full-time office fridge raiders. Hell, if I were in charge of the column, I would have hired some professional talent, instead of picking up two lazy bums who do nothing but sit around and bitch about their shitty personal lives.
However, that's beside the point. I'd like to talk about your less-than-gratifying leadership skills. Where in the hell did you learn to lead anyway? Jackalman's University of Plundarr perhaps? Let me give you a tip: berating and insulting your talented, all-POWERFUL team is a good way to instigate mutiny. Hey, let's face it, you're always acting as if you have a riding crop shoved up your ass, and no one appreciates that kind of demeanor. If you were a lot more lax and understanding of our needs, then perhaps you'd actually gain a little of our respect. Remember, you're NOTHING without us!
Hatefully yours,
Red E.
My darling Red E.,
I will have you know that I work my poor fingers to the bone for that silly airhead of an editor! I don't merely write advice on this publication-- though moon gods know, most of the pathetic souls of this planet (you especially) need it-- I do the most horrifying job of all: I babysit her brats for her whenever she decides to sit around and work on things like those fanfics or those gods-awful galleries of the (ugh!) Thundercats! Watching Luran for one hour qualifies me for a month-long paid vacation in my opinion, so she shouldn't be bitching about Amok and I snacking on her junk food. Oh, and we have three "lazy bums" working here now, so get your story straight before you go ranting. Cheezey was foolish enough to hire that Michael Bolton wannabe Alluro to join our merry little crew (shoot me now!).
But enough about her. Let's talk about something truly worth complaining about-- YOU.
Where do you get off insulting me, your mighty leader? It astounds me how you ungrateful Lunatacs fail to realize all the sacrifies and hard work I do for you lazy louts! I lose out on my precious beauty sleep thinking up evil plans that you, that floozy Chilla, that creep Alluro, and that bum TugMug manage to screw up almost instantly. If you ever had to do my job (not that it's ever going to happen, so don't get any ideas, bug-eyes) you wouldn't last a minute. You'd be too busy spying on Chilla (or is it Alluro you cuddle up to at night now?) in the shower to actually get any semblance of work done. If you want my respect, I suggest YOU go about trying to earn it. Why don't you try *gasp* doing your job right for a change?
Now shut up and get back to your midnight watch, four eyes.
Love,
Luna
Flame #17: A Moron We Could Never Forget!
Dear Advice Columnists:
First Of All I Want To Say That You All Suck! You Need My Big Truck Shoved So Far Up Your Ass! I Can Give Better Advce Than All Of You. Come Visit My Page For Good Advice. I Am The Most Powrful Force Of Evil Around! Even The Sailor Scouts Could Kick Your Ass. I Tink Your All Moonies I Am Going To Send My Spy Service After You. Prepare To Die Mum-Ra Luna And Alluro.
I Am A Moron And Don't Forget It!
Whiddaw!!!
Dear (NOT!) Whiddler,
First of all, I want to tell you to lay off the caps lock key. Then I'd like to tell you to buy a dictionary and learn how to use it properly. And after that, I'd like to tell you to stay off the Internet--for, say, the rest of your natural life. Unfortunately, judging by the sheer moronic content of your little rant, those things have about as much chance of happening as Jaga minding his own business for once. Listen, sheep boy, we've visited your *snicker, snort* pathetic (or should I take a page from another one of our advice-dispensing 'pals' and say "pathedict") webpages in the past, and about the only thing on any of them with any remote value is the severely-flamed guestbook, which provides far more entertainment than anything you could ever dream up. As to threatening me and calling yourself the most powerful, I DON'T THINK SO! You're evil all right, I won't dispute that, but you're more of an annoying evil. Like the ASOE. Unlike me, you can't do any real damage! There's a reason folks call me Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living and All-Powerful, and if you care to take me to task for that, I shall be only too happy to unload a fresh can of good-old-fashioned-ancient-style whoop-ass all over you! And though it pains me greatly to admit it, I have to say that even Luna and Aluro (jerks though they may be) are not one-thousandth as much of a loser as you are! They, like me, are unfazed by your silly *snicker* spy service and will simply send your worthless carcass back to whatever toilet it crawled out of. Air freight. In very small packages. So cyber *that*, and byte me, goat boy!
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living and All-Powerful!
P.S.: You might want to check out Casca's most excellent story "Sailor Moon VS the Ever-Living" on Lefty's website. That should put to rest any notions you have about those twerpy brats being able to fight yours truly. And don't worry, we won't forget that you are definitely a moron, Whiddaw.
My dear Whiddaw,
You're barely worth the effort it takes for me to write this, except for the fact that you're such an ass I can't help but make fun of you. I am not sure what a "Moonie" is, but I am from the Moons of Plundarr, so if that was some sort of derogatory statement, you had better say your prayers. The mighty Luna does not take kindly to insults, especially from one pathetic enough to publicly admit that he's a moron. And just *where* did you say you were going to shove your "big truck"?? I assure you, my dear Amok has a far bigger "truck" than yours, and should you try anything, you're going to find that truck wedged somewhere nice and unpleasant. On to other things, where is this page of yours, anyway? I would love to see what sort of "advice" someone like you could give. As for the "Sailor Scouts", whoever they are (why do people keep bringing them up to me anyway?), I assure you they could not defeat me.
Love,
Luna
P.S. Try using punctuation someday. You might like it. I know I would.
Dear Whiddaw,
::: Raises Club ::: You will learn to spell and let go of the shift button. ::: Lower Club ::: Whiddaw you should get a life and leave us Thundercats, Mutants, Lunatacks, and Mumm-Ra alone. You should consider getting a thing called a life. I believe that it only costs $432.98, but for you I am sure you could get it cheaper. As the leader of the Lunatacks I ban you from the net. ::: Raises Club ::: You will get away from any computer and never come back again, until you play nice. ::: Lower Club :::
For now seeya and please consider getting a life.
Alluro.
Ps. ::: Raises Club ::: You will give me all your money.
Flame #18: One Luna Too Many
Now see here Miss Luna,
Informing "Fire Soul Bird" that she had mistaken you for me was perfectly acceptable. What I most certainly did not appreciate was your encouraging her violent feelings towards Usagi. While I can't blame you entirely, you have a share in the blame for Usagi being in the hospital and "Fire Soul Bird" being in jail. Have I ever advised the ones under YOUR guidence to attack each other in public? No, I have not. A sincere apology for your part in this will be most appreciated.
Sincerly,
Luna, the talking cat.
P.S.: Were you aware there's a THIRD Luna whose a teenage princess with a dinosaur attached to her butt?
My dear Luna,
Am I supposed to cry and offer heartfelt sympathy and apologies to you now? Oh, please! From what I heard that Usagi had whatever thrashing Fire Soul Bird gave her coming to her, and more! Perhaps she can think about why Fire Soul Bird was mad enough to do that to her while she's recovering, and she will learn not to tick off someone more powerful than she is. I will concede that it is regreattable that Fire Soul Bird wound up in jail, but it's not my fault she didn't think her act through clearly enough to keep her hot-tempered ass out of the watchful eye of the law. As for your remark about advising my people to attack each other in public, go right ahead if you so desire. They're actually rather amusing when they fight. I've won a fair amount of cash in betting on who'll win.
My fondest regards,
Luna
P.S.-- Another name-stealer? With something so undignified as a dinousaur on her rear end? This cannot be allowed to be... Amok, trash that other Luna now!
Flame #19: Family Fued
Dear Columnist-types,
This message isn't so much to you, but to a certain 'Man With An Icepick': You little halfbreed twerp, get out of my way. Despite your blustering, you know as well as I do that I could mop the floor with you anytime I want. I just don't because it would wreak my chances with a certain sister of yours. Of course, things can always be made to look like accidents, so keep your nose out of it, Knavey-boy... er, 'Man With An Icepick'. As to her practically being your mother, maybe you ought just change your name to 'Man With An Oedipus Complex' and forget about it.
- Psychro
Dear Psychro,
I'm not sure where my advice quite fits in here, but since you asked, here's my opinion. There's a bottle of valium in Skytomb's med room with your name on it.
Love,
Luna
Mumm-Ra sez:
Whooooaaa boy, this could get verrreee interesting! I haven't seen this much family dysfunction since my Uncle Thaetith dismembered our whole family! Icepick Man, it looks as though you have just been thrown a challenge....will you be as hard-assed as your namesake and accept it? Or will you melt like a microwaved Slushee beneath the heat of your adversary's ire? Stay tuned for more developments on this one, advice column readers!
Helping to prune Third Earth's family trees of all
the nuts,
Mumm-Ra
Flame #20: Kitty Litter
HEY FREAK!
All Luna(the talking cat) wanted was a simple "I'm sorry" and maybe a promise to stay out of conflicts within the Sailor Senshi from now on. You treated her like she was putting all the blame on you. Luna said that would be the end of it. Well, I went behind Luna's back and got our revenge. That pizza you probably munching on right now as you comtemplate what childish insults you going riddle me with? I was just wondering when you're goind to CATch on that it has some unorDeRed tOPPINGS! HA! HA! HA!
All the way in Tokyo where you can't get me,
Artemis, the other talking cat.
Dear Artemis,
I see that the Thundercats aren't the only felines who are stupid. Did you really think that I, Luna, mighty leader of the Lunatacs, would be so foolish as to eat eat a pizza that had something suspicious on it? That pizza with the strange looking "sausage" was returned and redelivered to this girl named Serena, who supposedly will eat anything. Perhaps you know her.
Eating a pizza home-baked in Skytomb's ovens,
Luna
Flame #21: Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.
luna your way of helping is bull so get a life you bicth love harry kim
Harry Kim,
I think you're just bitter that your spell checker quit.
A "bicth" to the end,
Luna
The following is a co-flame between our authors, who, as luck would have it, have taken to flaming and disagreeing with each other. It all started when Luna got fed up at Mumm-Ra's responses to others that made fun of her, and struck out with a sneaky little letter making fun of him. Mumm-Ra responded with the following note:
Dearest darling Abused Colleague,
Four words: KISS MY ASS, LUNA!!!!!!!
The *REAL* brains of this outfit,
Mumm-Ra
(Editor's Note: Luna laughed heartily at Mumm-Ra's irate reaction to her letter, and then proceeded to write the following response:)
Oh my dear Mumm-Ra,
You do amuse me so! "Kiss my ass", how eloquent of you! I don't know if I could *ever* come up with such a witty comeback to that! And you honestly think *you're* the brains of our partnership?! That is the most ludicrous statement I've heard in ages! Your brains, what you ever had of them to begin with (which isn't much) decayed eons ago! I'm surprised you even had the intelligence to figure out it was me who wrote that letter! As for kissing your ass, Mumm-Ra darling, I wouldn't put my lips (or any other part of myself) anywhere near that disgusting, putrid, rotting mess you call a body, on your ass or anywhere else. Onto other things, I will not tolerate any more your rude comments directed at me in your posts. Find some other person to make your snide references to, or you'll be one sorry mummy!
Love,
Luna
Dear Luna,
If I were you (and thank the ASOE I'm NOT!) I wouldn't be so quick to point fingers when it comes to brains (or in your case, lackthereof), sweetheart! The only time you make any sense is when you're not talking!! Any intelligence you ever had was long ago suffocated beneath that oversprayed, overteased, overdyed skunk-mountain hairdo!! Have you forgotten that time you were horny enough to come to *my* pyramid and do the nasty with me??? (I'd sure like to forget, but hell, get drunk enough and you'd be surprised at what you'd try! After all, *you* made it with Lion-O!) You'd also be surprised to learn just how many Third Earthers have lusted after--and bedded--my "disgusting, putrid, rotting mess of a body," including you, Luna! Seems to me that you not only put your lips on my ass that night, but you also were more than willing to put other parts of your anatomy on my body as well!!! AND you thanked me for it afterwards!! I will admit though, that *your* looks aren't half-bad..........they're ALL bad!!!! As for making rude comments about you in other posts I've made, I'll have you know that I never once have said anything about you that wasn't true!! Whaddya gonna do about it, hmmm? Sic Amok on me? Ooooohhhh, I'm really scared! You should thank me, Luna. Without me, you'd have nothing to bitch about, and if you weren't bitching, then you'd die from boredom! So there!!!!
The *REAL* brains of this partnership, as always,
Mumm-Ra
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