Here are the archives of the advice column from its beginning to the last update in chronological order. If reading all this nifty advice has left you with a burning question, be sure and email your dilemma to AskLuna@aol.com (if you'd like Luna to handle your problem), Demonprist@aol.com (if you'd like Mumm-Ra to address your concerns), Alluro99@excite.com or all three and they will get on it as soon as they can.
Interested in reading up on the flames? Check out the recent flames, or here for the flame archives.
Dear Advice Columnists,
I really need some advice. My life is a total disaster! First my girlfriends all cheated on me, one of them even sleeping with my worst enemy and lying about my sexual performance on a lousy talk show that was a complete setup. Then that enemy went and tricked me into a very compromising position with the press and video cameras all around at a very high-profile party, and humiliated me on national TV. As if that wasn't bad enough, I then had a couple of, uh, well, incidents, with other guys, most of whom were kinda sleazy. Then there was that horrible orgy scandal... hell, I even got arrested once. Now no one will take me seriously, the tabloids are going wild with stories about me, and people are even saying that I have sex with animals! And it's not true, I swear, it's NOT TRUE!!! How can I fix my reputation?
Sincerely,
L.-O.
Luna says:
Well, L.-O., sounds to me like you need to get over yourself!!! Come
on, do you really expect us to believe that all these stories we hear aren't
true??? Oh please!!! Like the people of Third Earth have nothing better
to do than make up stories about you, right? Give me a f***ing break!!!
Why don't you do us all a favor and just admit that you're a slut,
and will sleep with anything that gives you a second glance! Maybe
once you stop carrying on like a two year old and own up to your sleazy
activities, people will give you a little more respect.
Love,
Luna.
Dear L.O.,
I'd say you're SOL............Shit Outta Luck!!! Have a nice day, you loser!!!
Sincerely yours,
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living and All-Powerful
Dear Mumm-Ra:
I am wildly in love. There is this one guy, this one special someone, who just makes my scales quiver with utter lust. Unfortunately he hates my guts, yessss. I've tried everything... hard to get, love potions, even just trying to get a cheap feel or quick glance up that sexy skirt of his, but nothing works! He even toyed with my affections and set me up to be caught in the act with this loser Thundercat who's been dumped by everyone on Third Earth. I don't know how to make my dream mummy mine, but I will do anything to have his hot body in my bed at night, yesss.
--A Lovestruck Mutant
Dear Lovestruck Mutant,
Face it, lizard boy, it just ain't gonna happen. There's a word for what
you're doing: STALKING!!! I pity the poor bastard who has to put up with
the disgusting likes of you. If you have any brains whatsoever you will cease
bothering him and find some other sucker to torment. In fact, here's a
suggestion: You have two perfectly good hands.............you figure it out!
Your ever-living advisor,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Luna:
Help me! I'm a great guy, but I have almost no sex life, except for a couple of cheap feels of a certain lady Thundercat, and a one night stand with a different Thundercat whose bedpost is so notched that it looks like Snarf confused it for a scratching post. I think it's because I'm older and visually impaired, but I'm good-looking for my age, in great shape, and pretty good in the sack, if I do say so myself. I know I could more than please someone if given the chance. What should I do?
Sincerely,
A Lonely Lynx
Dear "Lonely Lynx":
You sound like an all right guy, even if you are a Thundercat. Maybe you're
looking in the wrong places. Besides, do you really want one of those
thunderslut women anyway? What are your chocies, some spotted bimbo who'll
sleep with any thundercat, a corpse, or a couple of lunatacs with NO TASTE
WHATSOEVER; a promiscuous puma who was dumped by her boyfriend who became
gay after being with her and who'll sleep with the undead; or in the case
of that silly twit WilyKit, a bunch of foul-smelling mutants, snarfs, and
her own twin brother!!! What you need is a woman of discriminating taste
and sophistication, someone with class. If no one you know fits the
bill, perhaps you should try the personals.
Love,
Luna.
To Luna and Mumm-Ra:
Here's the story: I'm a wonderful guy, but I have the worst roommates on Third Earth. First of all there are these two guys who annoy the hell out of me, mostly because they're always making complete fools of themselves (and me by association) in public. Then there's this really hot (well not literally, actually she's rather cool to the touch) lady who lives there and used to indulge in some of the more *pleasurable* activities of the night with me, until she decided that she would rather do a Thunderkitten, of all the losers on Third Earth, than me! As if that wasn't bad enough, there's also this short little demonic woman who screeches ridiculous orders at me and bullies me (and my other roommates) around with this big dumb bodyguard of hers. Not only is she the most irritating thing that ever existed, but she even had the nerve to sell two sets of false doctored photos of me with other men to a tabloid just because she was jealous of me and wanted to ruin my reputation. Now everyone is giving me looks and stares, and men are hitting on me in bars! My social life is all but ruined, thanks to her. What do you think I should do to the spiteful little imp?
Sincerely,
One Very Angry Lunatac
Luna says:
Quit your damn whining, Alluro, and stop wasting space on *my* column, or
I'll have Amok beat you up when I get home! As for Chilla, well, if
I were her, I wouldn't sleep with you either, you arrogant good-for nothing
bum! Try getting a personality, and maybe you'd be able to get someone other
than Lion-O in bed. As for what you'll do to me, well, try anything
and I'll have Amok put you in traction.
Love,
Luna.
Dear Angry Lunatak,
Hey, pal, when are you gonna get your head out of your ass and realize that
you're being jerked around!? Obviously your roommates don't appreciate you,
and as for that bossy bitch, well, I believe in the Golden Rule: Do one to
others before they do one to you! You're stuck in a dead-end situation and
unless you take matters into your own hands she will continue to run roughshod
all over your carcass. My advice to you is to take out the bodyguard first,
then she won't have anyone to run crying to when you nail her (and I don't
mean sexually)! Best of luck to ya, bud.
Watching over you in the Black Pyramid,
Mumm-Ra
dear luna,
hello. i was just wondering about you and aluro hitting it off together.
you are mean. you abondond me in that 1 ep. plus why don't you ever gove
me candy
Sayncerly,
anyomus
Dear "anyomus",
So you think I'm mean, huh? Awww, aren't my feelings hurt?! Guess what?
That's what evil villians like myself do-- BE MEAN!!! As for your abandonment
complex, well I said I was sorry, what the hell more do you want?! Maybe
if you weren't so thickheaded and slow all the time (not to mention obviously
unable to grasp the concept of "spell-check" on your email program!) I wouldn't
have ditched you in the first place! On the matter of Alluro, what exactly
did you mean about "hitting it off together"??? If you are insinuating that
I might have a romantic interest in that egotistical jerk or vice versa,
then you are so clueless it isn't even funny! I would sooner get it on with
Mumm-Ra! In fact the only "hitting it off" I would like to do him is
to knock him senseless into next week! Maybe if you'll do that for me Amok,
oh, excuse me "anyomus", then I'll give you some candy.
Love,
Luna
Mumm-Ra,
We have a big problem that we'd like you to address. There is this sorcerer who works for us, only he can't do what we've repeatedly ordered him to! He's botched every single evil plan possible, then he whines that it's not his fault. We're tired of his excuses. What should we do with him?
The Ancients
Dear Ancients,
It sounds to me like this schmuck is a MAJOR screw-up! Let him know who's
boss and don't take any more of his crap! This guy's long overdue for a good
ass-kicking . . . hey, waitaminute, WHO THE F*** IS THIS!?!?!?
Dear Luna,
Help!!! I'm an underage guy who's desperate for some action!! How can I get the chicks to go out with me even though I don't have my own set of bitchin' wheels and can't buy beer!?
Krazy Kat
Dear Krazy Kat,
The fact that you used the word "desperate" in your letter shows your problem:
you're coming on too strong! First of all, many women like younger men, as
long as they don't act like immature idiots in public. Try playing up your
youthful exuberance, passion, and stamina, but make sure you don't overdo
it and turn off the object of your desire by doing any of the deadly male
mistakes: 1)acting full of yourself 2)doing any sort of bodily
function noise in public or 3)displaying behavior consistent with a two-year-old.
If you play your cards right, the women will come to you and will take care
of the wheels and beer. As a matter of fact, I rather like younger
men, if you'd like to give me a call (wink, wink)...
Love,
Luna
Mumm-Ra and Luna,
I have a problem I really need to talk about. I don't think my friends appreciate me. My ex-boyfriend, another platonic male friend, and I are all relative newcomers to the group, and ever since we've met and joined them I've had nothing but trouble. My ex slept with a girl half his age and then a bunch of men and even a snarf. I admit I strayed too, but not nearly as much or with as many. What's worse is my ex now informs me that he's gay, loves only this other tiger guy, and that it's over. He even insulted me once in a fight and said my ears were too big! As for the others, well they often ignore me, leave me stuck at home, and even forget about me half the time! I miss my old boyfriend and none of the other male thundercats, whoops, I mean, friends of mine, really do it for me. I don't understand why all this happens to me. I think I'm a nice girl and all. Could the two of you maybe tell me what I should do about this?
Sincerely,
Troubled at the Tower of Omens
Dear Troubled,
Ditch 'em! The sooner the better. And as for your ex, forget the raging little
queen! You need a *real* man, someone who can satisfy your every need.........why
not try the personals? I know just the guy for you too! Check out the ad
that says "Lonely Egyptian bachelor"..........I know he's holding out for
an undead gal, but for you, I'm sure he'd make an exception!
Checking you out,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Troubled:
I can tell you right now what your problem is: you're a doormat! You
let these so-called friends of yours trounce all over you while all you do
is whimper and whine and complain about how they're acting to me instead
of to them. Why don't you get a backbone and stand up to them? If
you don't like how they're acting tell them so, and if they don't like it,
beat some sense into them. It always works for me. As for this
boyfriend, he sounds like a complete loser. In fact, all of your friends
sound like losers. I suggest you ditch them all before they go and do something
really rude, like move to a new planet and leave you behind. Maybe
you should join a team of real winners like the lunatacs instead of those
self-righteous overbearing felines. Except for Amok and Chilla, we
all have big ears too, so you'll fit right in.
Love,
Luna
Dear Mumm-Ra,
Do you think you can help me? I'm the leader of a peaceful village, but it's constantly being attacked by those evil mutants and lunatacs. They enslave our citizens, burn our crops, destroy our buildings, and sometimes just beat us up for the hell of it. We'd probably be dead if the Thundercats didn't save our butts all the time. Do you know how I can stop them from picking on us?
Roberbill
Dear Roberbill,
This may come as a shock to you, my friend, but that's usually what Mutants
and Lunataks like to do in their spare time. Seeing as how you are a complete
and total wuss, you will have to go out and get some "protection", if ya
know what I mean. And it ain't cheap either. But look at it this way: Which
do you want, trashed territory or peace of mind? Incidentally, I happen to
have weekends off, so the next time Slithe sticks his slimy nose into your
business, give me a call and I'll come raise some hell. Besides, I still
owe him for that friggin' love potion bullshit!
Making you an offer you can't refuse,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Authors,
I am someone in big trouble. Three of my boyfriends ditched me either for sexier girls or to be gay- that makes me soooo mad I could melt while I'm writing this!!!! I need you help badly!
Sincearly,
A Cold Woman
Dear Cold Woman,
Three boyfriends left you for sexier women or became gay? Well I hate
to tell you this, but means one of three things-- either a) you were dating
jerks, b) you are so awful in bed that you drive them away, either from yourself
or from our entire gender, or c) both. If the first is the case, then
don't worry about it. The guys, specifically the newly out of the closet
ones, were probably gay all along and too insecure to admit it. I know
several repressed men like this (hey, wait, I think I live with a few of
them!) and they aren't worth wasting your time on. If this problem
originates in yourself, then perhaps you could buy one of those self-help
books written by a sex expert and find out how to overcome this "cold" problem
you mention. Perhaps it's nothing more than these men are sick of having
their manhood frostbitten! If you believe it's a combination of both
then dump the losers and concentrate on being a better lover. If the
cold problem isn't something you can do anything about, I'm sure there are
some horny men on Third Earth who enjoy a little pain in their sex lives...
just keep your eyes open!
Love,
Luna
Dear Cold Woman,
Three of 'em, eh? That oughta tell ya something about your personality, sweetie!
Warm up a bit and maybe you won't get dumped next time, 'kay?
Looking up the definition of "frigid" in the dictionary and seeing your picture
next to it,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Mumm-Ra and Luna,
Somehow I sense that everyone on Third Earth thinks I'm a slut. It's true,
I've been around a few times, but it's not like I've done every guy on the
planet! At least I don't think I have......I just like to go out and have
a little fun, you know? Anyway, I really would appreciate some advice you
could give me on how I can get everyone, especially my friends, to stop thinking
that I'm the Third Earth screw.
Miss ESP
Dear Miss,
You ARE a slut. I'll pick you up at eight, how's that? Oh, and by the way
Cheetara, last weekend was incredible! (wink wink)
Givin' you some ever-livin' lovin',
Mumm-Ra
Dear Miss ESP,
Wow, you're sharp! Hmmm, now I wonder why that ESP of yours might be
telling you that people think you're a slut... could it be... BECAUSE YOU
ARE??? I mean, *how* many articles in the Inquirer have featured
you, Cheetara? Off the top of my head, I seem to remember you doing
Lion-O (even as a boy!), WilyKat, Lynx-O, and Mumm-Ra, not to mention all
those other stories I've heard about you with Panthro, Bengali, Pumyra, Alluro,
Chilla, and even Snarfer and Snarf (with *peanut butter*, of all things!).
Here's how I suggest you fix your tarnished reputation: keep your legs
crossed or learn to live with the gossip, missy!
Love,
Luna
Hi, I'm Lion-o's sister Tabby-tha (read gex's fan-fic comming soon) And I need some help. I need to find a good guy to go out with. I prefer eivil. And also This Snarf has been bugging me latley. Should I tear out a machine gun and kill him?
A sexy Lion,
Tabby-tha :)
Dear Tabby-tha,
I am all for killing Snarfs. I personally agree with Jackalmann's assertion
that they are hellspawns and must be destroyed. If you consider a pairing
with a snarf for even a millisecond, then I believe you are in desperate
need of professional help. As for good guys to go out with of the evil
persuasion, unfortunately on Third Earth they are few and far between. To
list names, I would say any of the mutants (other than Slythe) of Castle
Plundarr might be a good bet, but be warned that there are more than a few
rumors circulating that they live an alternative lifestyle. Actually, come
to think of it, all of the men in the evil circles have these leanings, according
to the Inquirer. Of course, some are better choices than others. Since they
all have repulsive personalities, I'd say to go for looks and sexual prowess
alone. Given your mutual hate for Snarfs, I might suggest Jackalmann (especially
if you have big ears) or perhaps Mumm-Ra. He's a jerk and ugly as they come
but he's got a pretty hard body and I've heard from several people that he's
fairly good in bed. He hates Snarfs too. Hope this helps!
Love,
Luna
Dear Tabby-tha,
Honey, honey, honey, I have only four things to say to you: A: Your brother's
a MAJOR loser! B: I'm a hot guy (especially in the sack). C: I'm also pretty
damn evil. And D: YES, whack the Snarf!! SNARFS ARE THE SPAWNS OF
SATAN!!!!!
I'm waiting for you,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Advice-Givers,
There are some issues really bugging me. First of all, I don't get any respect. In a group of four, I'm fourth in command, and I'm constantly getting my ass kicked by just about everyone, be them my enemies (the Thundercats), or my allies. Second of all, I have horrible luck with women. For instance, I had a crush on this cute Thundercat chick with big ears, but all she did was throw explosives at me when I tried to express my feelings. Thirdly, I work for a complete idiot. He's a big ugly reptile and only the leader because he's pretty big and if we don't listen to him he goes and "forces us into submission", if you get my meaning. Naturally no one will stand up to him because he has such bad breath and poor personal hygeine that none of us want to be within five feet of him, much less get "up close and personal". I was wondering if the two of you could offer me some pointers in dealing with my jerk of a boss and possibly taking over as an evil commander myself.
Sincerely,
J. M.
Dear J.M.,
This boss of yours sounds like a vile creature that should be eliminated
from Third Earth! I suggest you begin a covert overthow attempt to get this
loser out of the way, and fast. Once he's safely disposed of, go and take
over his position. Since you're a wimp, you'd better have lots of weapons
to back you up, otherwise you'll just get your ass kicked by some other wanna-be
leader. That will take care of problems #1 and #3. Then, once you're in a
position of leadership, a position that commands respect and obedience, you
may have a shot at that girl you mentioned.
Best of luck,
Luna
Dear J. M.,
Your chances of becoming an evil commander are about as big as Luna. The
closest you'll ever get to being brave is to choke down a hero sandwich,
and I don't mean the one Slimy Slithe force-feeds you! Your utter lack of
balls is what makes you such easy pickings for your allies and enemies. Who
wants to hang around a sniveling chickenshit like yourself??? But don't feel
worthless. You can always be used as a perfect example--of total failure!!!!
Seriously, you want respect, you have to earn it, and you won't when you
commit any of these faux pas in battle or otherwise: A: running like a weenie
at the first sight of blood, especially your own, B: letting a f***-up like
Slithe run roughshod all over you, C: keeping loser company like the rest
of the Mutants, or any of the Lunataks, or D: allowing yourself to get creamed
by anything smaller and weaker than you. As for women, well, the same rules
pretty much apply here too. In addition to that, there are a number of instant
turn-offs that you must remember if you are ever to get any. For starters,
women hate guys who smell like Snarf's leftovers. It's called a bath. Get
one. The sooner the better, for ALL our sakes! Then, you'll need to lay off
Robear Roberto's chili con carne and beefy burritos, because women also hate
guys who feel that uncorking a belch registering 6.7 on the Richter scale
is a dire necessity. Not to mention the fact that they will not hesitate
to ditch you if your evening plans include a fart lighting marathon! And
finally, you have got to know how to please a woman in the area it counts
the most................intimacy. In other words, PUT THE DAMN TOILET SEAT
DOWN WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED WITH IT!!!!! Your life will be so much more pleasant!
Oh yeah, and when it comes to the nasty, take your time. Women will be more
likely to remember your phone number in the future if you don't make the
"wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am" mistake! 'Kay? Go get 'em, boy!
Laughing at you behind your back,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Mumm-Ra,
I have a problem I'd like your insight on. I am a wise, generous, and deeply sensitive woman who has had the ill fortune to be paired in a workplace partnership with an overbearing egotistical jerk who has stooped to insulting me occasionally in the professional forum. Naturally I, being above such petty and immature displays, have not stooped to his level, in fact I once even tried to set him up with a lonely girl who asked for my help since I thought they might make a good match. But does that ingrate thank me for it? Oh no, instead he makes snide remarks about me! What do you suggest I do with this insensitive co-worker?
Abused Colleague
(Editor's note: After reading this next letter, Mumm-Ra experienced a violent laughing spell worse than the one he had after swallowing the water from the Swamp of the Laughing Lilypads, and had to take a couple of weeks off to recuperate before responding to it.)
Dearest darling Abused Colleague,
Four words: KISS MY ASS, LUNA!!!!!!!
The *REAL* brains of this outfit,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Luna,
I've never written to one of these things before, but I thought I'd give it a try. I'm a working gal who's looking for a few good women in her spare time. I'm a by-the-book disciplinarian who knows how to assume any position and can whup butt when necessary. Got any ideas on how I can attract like-minded dates?
LadyCop
Dear LadyCop,
So you're having some trouble finding dates, huh? Well just how "by the book"
are you? After all, no one wants to date someone who's boring, and the easiest
way to be boring is to follow the rules all the time! The "disciplinarian"
part, however, holds potential. I personally use a riding crop and my bodyguard
to keep my lovers in line, but being a cop I bet you have lots of nifty toys
at your disposal as well, such as handcuffs, stun guns, etc. Start waving
those around and look for a few "bad girls" to reform, and you'll have your
hands (and bed) full before you know it. As to where to find these lovers,
well, you can try looking in bars, and of course there's always the personals
to consider...
Love,
Luna
To Luna and Mumm-ra,
I'm in a very grim situation. First of all, I am part of a group (the name of which I choose to keep anonymous) led by the ugliest, meanest, smallest snot-nosed midget bitch this side of Third Earth! I am constantly harrassed by her. She absolutely refuses to acknowledge any of the many talents that I offer to the Lunata . . . I mean . . . my current group affliction! If it wasn't for her big dumb-assed pet/boyfriend, I swear I would kick her sorry little ass and shove that STUPID riding crop of hers down her throat and gag out that annoying high-pitched whiny voice of hers! Well, enough about that witch (Grrr). I've got another problem. You see, I've just recently realized that I'm attracted to Lion-O and Allur . . . I mean . . . one of my affiliates. I once came back early from a dull patrol mission and caught the Lord of the Thundercats and my 'friend' doing their thing in MY bedroom! Of course I cussed and kicked them both out, but later, I was thinking to myself about how fun it might have been if I would have joined in! Isn't that weird? Should I convey my feelings to them, or just sit and hope that the feeling will fade away? I ask . . . no, I DEMAND some advice!
Sincerly,
Red E.
P.S. I know that you both have done Lion-O on several occations. He always brags about how good he is in bed. Tell me, any truth to this?
My dear Red E,
So, you're having problems with your boss? Perhaps if you weren't so DEMANDING,
you wouldn't have these problems with her! Maybe she wouldn't be so difficult
to deal with if you actually showed her some respect and did some work instead
of goofing off trying to use your X-ray vision to peep at the warrior maidens
and threatening your poor misunderstood leader with bodily harm, you worthless,
good for nothing bum! As for her "dumb-assed pet/boyfriend" I think you are
just jealous that you're not as much of a man as he is, especially
where it counts! Which leads me into your next problem... your attraction
to Lion-O and his balding boy toy and the dilemma of whether or not you should
convey your feelings to them. I say you should confess your love to them
and give into your true feelings. Lion-Ho and Alluro would probably be more
than happy to accomodate your kinky fantasies... seeing as both of them will
sleep with anything willing to show them a good time. As for how good Lion-O
is in bed, he's not bad... he's always willing to foot the bill for any
sex-related expenses and is willing to go along with just about anything
you suggest (how else do you explain how he got stuck handcuffed to his loverboy
Alluro?), but he does have an annoying habit of shouting "HO!" at the climactic
moment, which can startle those of us who are evildoers and are used to having
that followed up by a good ass-kicking. (But come to think of it, *you'd*
probably like that, wouldn't you?) Now, stop whining and go do something
about your desperately-wanting-to-come-out-of-the-closet urges already!
Love,
Luna
P.S.-- BTW, if you even so much as think about carrying out that threat with
the riding crop, I will have Amok beat you to a bloody pulp, and then I'll
sell you off to the mutants to be used as Slythe's personal love slave and
Castle Plundarr's bathroom cleaner.
Boy, oh boy, your life's just going straight down the toilet, ain't it Red Eye!? (Not that I care of course.) Oops, I mean "Red E"---wouldn't do to let all those Third Earth readers know just who all those pathetic losers are that write in to us! I'll tell you the same thing I told your buddy Aluro: Unless you find a way to get Amok, a.k.a. the "big dumb-assed pet/boyfriend," out of the picture, you're stuck listening to Looney Luna, a.k.a. the "ugliest meanest smallest snot-nosed midget bitch," for the rest of your miserable worthless life. Next, I cannot imagine for the undead life of me why in the name of all the pharaohs you would want to get it on with Lion-Ho! Aluro, I could maybe understand.....but Lion-Ho!? Yes, unfortunately, I have been one of his unlucky bedmates in the distant past, and I can tell you you aren't missing a damn thing. All his bullshit about his sexual prowess is just that: bullshit! Lion-Ho couldn't screw his way out of a hardware store! I can kinda see why you'd be attracted to him though......he's well-built (except for the crucial piece) but there's nothing upstairs. Like Amok. Hmmm.........maybe if you got the two of them together and whacked them when they were in the heat of passion, then it would take care of all your problems! Amok *does* like Lion-Ho, after all, and it's well known that that Thunderslut will sleep with anything that breathes! Luna would be defenseless, Aluro would be out a boyfriend but you could step in and take his place, and I don't have to put up with any more 3 a.m. phone calls from Lion-Ho begging me to come over to Cats' Lair for a Thunder-orgy with him and Tygra! See? Everyone's happy. So what are you waiting for!? Go get 'em boy!
P.S.: If you ever do succeed in getting rid of Amok, please let me know. I'd LOVE to see you shove Luna's riding crop down her scrawny throat!
Wish you weren't here,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Luna and Mumm-ra,
I have been a faithful servant to the Thundercats along with my anonymous uncle. Recently though, I've been having some feelings for Ma-mutt though. I don't know why. Maybe its his sexy teeth..or that chain/leash of him that makes me want to attack him, snarfer...ugh cough cough. It all started in one episode when i was on his back and he started flying around. The wind blowing in my hair, the rush, I just had to love the fella. He's on the other side though, and I don't want Wily Kit, Cheetara, and/or PumMyra think that I'm not interested in them. What should I do?
The cutest creature in the land ::wink wink::,
Refrans
P.S. Mumm-ra, put in a good word for me.
Dear Refrans,
So you are fighting feelings for Ma-Mutt... I see. And you don't know who else to go for... well! I am insulted. Did our night of loud, squealing, uninhibited passion mean nothing to you, Snarfer, I mean, "Refrans"? HMPH!!! Sounds like boinking the devil dog is just your style then, you cruel little heartbreaker. And they say snarfs aren't capable of evil... HAH!! Here's my advice, snarf-boy... stick to your doggie style ways and you'll get just what you deserve.
Luna
My dear Refrans,
You were doing ok on your letter to us till you mentioned that crap about
being "the cutest creature in the land. Man, your pathetic whining alone
is grounds for an open-hunting snarf season year-round!! I know who you are,
you snotty little snarf---or maybe I should say SNARFER! I can forgive you
for having the hots for Ma-Mutt---after all, studly master, studly dog---but
as for putting in a good word for you with him---FORGET IT!!!! I am not about
to feed my dog lies about a loser like you! Do yourself and me a favor and
invest in a subscription to PlaySnarf and a couple of Luna-Blow-Up Dolls!
As for Wilykit, Cheetara, and Pumyra, don't worry about them, they've already
got their hands full. Wilykit's got her Mutant boy-toys, Cheetara is too
busy serving all of Third Earth's escort needs, and Pumyra's got me to keep
her company, heh heh! Oh, and by the way, one more thing in case you're still
thinking about hooking up with Ma-Mutt: STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DOG OR
YOU'RE ONE DEAD SNARF!!!!!!
Thinking *you* should be the one on a leash,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Mumm-Ra,
Tell me how to get rid of that brute of a lover that Luna rides around all the time...(he does have a third horn, by the way, so Chilla tells me)...so that I can be the rightful leader of the Lunattacks. I have the brians, the strength, and the mind power...I can make any one of those others do whatever I want them to... ::winks at Chilla:: That was fun, by the way, Chills. Anyway, that miserable troll that likes to order us around while spanking her steed with her crop needs a good ass kicking. Any ideas?
MindBender
PS...Red E., if you come anywhere NEAR me, I'll ram your Sidewinder up your ass so far you'll have to spit it out to use it!
Dear MindBender,
Number one, I did NOT need that mention of Amok's anatomy. Number two, I agree with you that Luna is long-overdue for an ass-kicking. Number three, if you have the "brains, strength, and mind-power" and can make folks do what you want them to, why don't you just make Amok sit on Luna or something? Helpful hint: arsenic-coated candy. Mission accomplished, see?
P.S.: From what Red Eye tells me, you and he are are pretty tight buddies, just a *snicker* backdoor away from each other.....
Brainwashing what's left of your mind,
Mumm-Ra
Luna's Note: Rightful leader? Oh please!! You couldn't lead your way out of a paper bag! As for getting rid of Amok, I'll quote a favorite phrase of yours... you don't stand a chance!! And should you try it, I'll have Amok beat some sense into your overconfident, egotisical, balding head.
Dear Luna and Mumm-Ra,
I live in a cast...uh, apartment with three other mut...uh, guys, and they are always talking about sex. I get really embarrassed all the time because I don't know what it is, and I don't want to look stupid, Hoo Hoo Hoo! All I know about it is it hurts like hell. Please explain it all to me!
Signed,
Simple Simian
Dear Simple Simian,
I find it rather surprising that a hot-blooded adult male mutant, probably one of the most lusty (and that is not meant as a complement, by the way) races of beings around, has no idea what sex is. That probably means either you were castrated at birth or you're just a complete dullard. Since I hear that WilyKit has had some of her "fun" with you, I'll assume that it's option number two. Let me make this simple... you know when you get that strange tingly feeling between your legs and that flesh you find hanging there starts to move around on its own and stand up, and you relieve said tingly feeling by, well, shall we say, getting in touch with yourself? Sex is like that... except instead of the hand you usually use, you would use someone else's body (assuming that someone would let you get that close to them... a big assumption, at best). Any questions? Ask your "buddy" Slythe, I am sure he'd be more than happy to give you a demonstration. Of course, if any sex would be painful, having it with Slythe would be it, so you may want to give WilyKit (or WilyKat, depending on your preference) a call... though if you call the boy, you may have a bit of trouble getting through. I hear Chilla monopolizes his lines nowadays.
Love,
Luna
Dear Simple Simian,
Well of course sex is going to hurt like hell when
you take it up the ass from a bunch of horny clueless Mu--guys, you dork!
What you need is a woman. Now, seeing as how I haven't seen any female Mu--gals
your type, you'll have to make do with, say, one of the female Thundercats.
They've done every guy on Third Earth and then some, so one more fella ain't
gonna matter much. And anyway, the mechanics are basically the same: insert
Tab A into Slot B and have fun! In the event you truly have no idea what
to do with Tab A (which is the thing hanging between your legs, by the way)
I suggest you check out the Third Earth Library and borrow the Sex For
Dummies manual, or try and find another such guide if Lion-Ho's got that
book out on loan (again). Good luck and happy sexploring!
Thankful I'm not that desperate,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Luna,
You gotta help me! I'm surrounded by idiots! First of all, there's this snotty big-mouthed broad that keeps making uncalled-for cracks at my expense in the workplace. Now, if assholes could fly this place would be an airport, but this one woman (hell, I don't even know if she technically could qualify as a woman----I personally doubt it!) pisses me off so much I feel like giving her a mega-toilet swirlee, only I'd just let the drain suck her down all the way. She's small enough that it might work, though because of her gigantic ugly skunk hairdo the plumbing would probably get backed up for weeks. Then there's this stupid slimy reptile who keeps harassing me to go out with him for a round of mattress-thumping. Yeah right! I'd turn him into a pair of boots but his hide ain't worth the trouble, it's so gross because he obviously hasn't bathed in like ten thousand years! And then there's this LOSER lion guy who insists that we have some sort of sexual relationship----which we DON'T----and keeps making up these horrid lies that he sells to a popular tabloid at my expense! He makes me so mad I could just spit red lightning! Not to mention that there's this weaselly perverted snarf that is putting the moves on my poor dog! Oh yeah, and I also have these four LOSER bosses that are total dipshits and fuck up every chance they stick their noses into things while they get off harassing me to no end even though I'm doing a helluva better job than they could ever dream of attempting! Add to that all the crap from all the losers I have to deal with in my dual jobs as an evildoer and writer, and the stress is just piling up! I'm gonna snap if I don't get some good advice here fast, lady!
Depressed Undeadbeat
Dear Depressed Undeadbeat,
Aww, poor little you! You whine even more than a certain lioness I could mention (but I won't, for fear of a slander suit) and that is no mean feat! My advice to you... GET AN AFTERLIFE! Maybe if you actually *gasp* took responsibility for your numerous failures, your life wouldn't suck so badly! But since that is about as likely to happen as Chilla dating the Inflamor, I won't waste my breath trying to talk some sense into your decayed remains of what was once a brain. As for that wonderfully beautiful, intelligent, talented, and charming woman who has had the ill fortune to be set up as your co-worker, my heart goes out to her. She is the one who is truly underappreciated around here, er, I mean, your workplace!
All my love and so much more,
Luna
To Mummsies and Luna,
Okay, no chit-chat or crybaby flames. I'm just going to be straightforward with you. You see, I loved Tygra when he was mine, and I still do! I've liked him ever since I first met him. I know that he has already come out of the closet and seems to be enjoying his new alternative lifestyle, but isn't there some sort of psychological counseling that can help him become at least a bisexual again? I really miss the joy of cuddling against his naked furry body, and the sting of his whip when we used to play those kinky S&M games. Tygra, if you're reading this, dump that queer bengal-boy and come back to me! I want your man meat so badly! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! Luna, Mumm-Ra, PLEASE give me some advice on how to get my Tiggy to see the light and love me again! Hell, Luna, I'll even spare you from the ass kicking that I was going to give you for calling me a "warrior whore". Now, I've seen how you two have totally trashed heartfelt letters like this one in your column, but I'm begging you both to just give me some decent help on this. I've tried everything, and you're my very last hope! Believe me, I've NEVER stooped this low before!
Sincerely,
Willa the Warrior Princess
P.S. Mandora, if you EVER make a pass at me again, I'll knock the lesbo shit out of you!
Dear Willa,
First of all, let me clarify something, dearie. You could never, never,
never kick my ass. The great Luna, leader of the Lunatacs of
Plundarr, could never be taken down by a simple-minded tree-swinging twit
such as yourself. Now, with that little issue out of the way, let's get to
the main topic of your letter, your dear Striped-in-Blue-Spandex Tygra. I
hate to be the bearer of bad news (well, not really, but I'll say it anyway)
but there is nothing you can do to change his orientation. If he's
gay, he's gay, that's all there is to it. Besides, you don't really
want him... his boyfriend, that LOSER "Ticked-Off Tiger" is a timebomb waiting
to go off. Save yourself the headaches and date another one of those
Thundersluts, if a cat is what you want. Lion-Ho is more than willing
to screw anything that moves.
Love,
Luna
P.S.-- Say... weren't you getting it on with "Red E." last I heard? At least,
that's what he's been telling the rest of us. Maybe you should give*him*
the ass-kicking for perpetuating that rumor (true though it may be) about
you being of loose virtue. Now that I would love to see!
Dear Luna and Mumm- Ra,
I would like to have tips on how to make a guy like me and how to get a imprestion on the first data! I would like your adives please! HELP ME PLEASE! PPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS
I how you take the seirse! I would like to have th9is information BADLY! MEOW!
THANKS,
Cheetaya
Dear Cheetaya,
Woah, lay off the caffeine when you're typing! That ten-screen long
"Please" (if that is indeed what you were tyring to say... you were more
than a tad incoherent there, spots) was enough to make me go crosseyed. As
for making a good impression on the first "data" ... Uhhh ... what are you,
an android looking for a date?! If so, I think that before you seek
companionship, you ought to give your spell-check chip a tune-up. If
I didn't know better I'd say that loser Vultureman must have wired you!
More confused than when Amok starts making sense,
Luna
dear luna
my sword does not want to grow,i call on it and call on it and it just stays put,when i pull it out it just stays small,it might be because i i was on a radioactive piece of thundara and i was blown off,not up,off, so i ask your help,help me
thundar
My dear Thundar,
*snicker* Looks like someone's having trouble with his Viagra prescription
again! As for the radiation thing, I had to consult Cheezey on this
one. (She has clearance to handle radioactive material at her lab job
in Genvironment) Below is an excerpt of our conversation:
Luna: CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZEY!
Cheezey: :::cringing::: Geez Luna, chill out!
What?
Luna: How do you get rid of radioactive waste? One of my advice column readers
has an issue with it.
Cheezey: :::blinks in surprise::: You mean you're actually going to get off
your ass and do the column?!?!? You've let it go since
August!
Luna: AAAH! As if you're much better! I haven't seen new material
in the Inquirer since OCTOBER anyway.
Cheezey: I have this thing called a job, Luna... you might try getting
one, instead of parking your and Amok's fat asses on my couch, eating my
junk food and watching soaps while you're *supposed* to be babysitting
Luran.
Luna: Anyway... what about the radioactive
stuff?
Cheezey: Well... I think they bury the stuff in metal drums and let the radiation
decay out of it for a few thousand years.
And there you have it, Thundar. Go lock yourself in a suspension capsule
and bury yourself. Sure, it might be boring, but look at it this way...
you'll be all alone and have plenty of time to play with your "sword" and
get it to grow, and even if you decay to an ugly corpse, you'll still probably
be better looking than that loser Mumm-Ra!
Love,
Luna
I am a horny bobcat who is Joining a .... Cat type
club!
Yea! Right! That's the ticket!
My problem is that I can't get any!
Any time I try to talk to them about sex, orgies, etc
I get the "He's so CUTE! AWW!" speech
I can't even screw the Cheetah!
She's screwing everyone!
Besides getting Car POOL syndrome, HELP!
Horny Bob Cat!
Dear Horny Bob Cat,
So... you can't get any. Why am I not surprised? You know why that
probably is??? Because you give off the impression of having an IQ
roughly the same as that of a retarded berbil. What's with the dramatics?
Are you William Shatner or something? Anyway... as for not being
able to get any, I gotta say, if even that slut Cheetara won't jump in bed
with you, I imagine you have to be pretty bad! This is the same woman
who slept with Slythe, Vultureman, Alluro (bleah!), and even (GAG!) Mumm-Ra!
If she's going to bang that dried up corpse sooner than you, you must
be the biggest loser on Third Earth! My suggestion would be to forget
Cheetara and try that warrior WHORE Willa. She's looking for a good
time, Bobby boy, and you might just be her ticket. If all else fails,
try Lion-Ho... but if he won't sleep with you, hon, then you're S.O.L.!
Love,
Luna
P.S.-- What the hell is Car POOL syndrome?
Dear Luna and Mumm- Ra,
Okay I having a little trouble WITH MY BROTHER LION-O! He ALWAYS MAKE MY ROOM A MESS! Also he friend Panthro tries to us me as a sex toy! Tygra,Benglai,Pumyra,Cheetara,Snarf,and Snafer no troubles nor Lynxo! BUT PANTHRO! HELP ME! He tries to get in my room every night! Or try to when where alone in the LAIR! I WANT TO KICK HIM HARD BUT THAT NOT ME AT ALL What DO I DO? I be in coming fanfics
MAD Lilly!
Dear MAD Lilly,
ACK! Lion-Ho has *another* sibling?!?!?!? I thought Tabby-tha was the
only one. Hmm, I guess Lion-Ho's overexcited libido must be hereditary.
Sorry to hear that he's leaving your room a mess, but what do you expect
from a spoiled brat who still needs his snarf nanny to clean up after his
messes (and I am not going to go any further into *that* :::shudder:::) As
for Panthro trying to use you as a sex toy, why don't you tell the bald jerk
to go "play" with one of his inventions? He's got a whole bunch of
homemade blow-up dolls, you know. Alluro told me-- he, Vultureman,
Snarfer, and Panthro all signed up for the same "Build your own pleasure
automaton in 30 days or your money back" course at "Professor" (:::shudder
again:::) Jackalmann's Plundarr U. Anyway, if telling him "no" doesn't
do the trick, try doing what Chilla does... next time he tries something,
give him a little ice where it counts. He'll get a case of "blue balls"
that'll make him think twice about fucking with you again!
Encouraging bitchiness wherever I go,
Luna
Dear Advisors,
I need some help. I live with a certain group of people, (who will remain nameless) and I get no respect. At first I thought that I was accepted, even though I was younger than most of my roommates. I was even invited over to my bosses room a few times. I'll admit it was fun, but then he just stopped inviting me. So I turned to my brother for comfort. Only he was involved looking for more action, and dumped me in the mud. At first it was fun having more nights to my self, but then I got bored. Can you help me make my nights more interesting and *wild*?
Sincerly,
Kitten Kit
PS I'm free this week-end if anyone wants to come over (*wink wink*)
Mumm-Ra sez:
Two words, Kitten: WARP GAS!
Coincidentally, I also happen to be free for the weekend. So, if you wanna get some ever-livin' lovin', swing by my pyramid on that 'ol spaceboard and I'll see what I can do ya for, heh heh!
Dear Kitten Kit,
Let me let you in on a little secret. SLEEPING WITH YOUR BROTHER IS
NOT GOOD PRACTICE! He is a prime example of what inbreeding can do
to intelligence (I have heard that your parents were brother and sister,
too). WilyKat may be getting plenty of female attention, but honey,
it ain't because of his brains. The kid couldn't outwit a drunken bruteman.
Now for a real wild time... there are plenty of eligible men around
who are not your blood relatives. Here are some to avoid, however:
Castle Plundarr's mutants. They're all losers, and they don't shower.
Ever. Same goes for TugMug (not that anyone would want to sleep
with that loser) of the Lunatacs. I'd also avoid Mumm-Ra, unless you want
a certain part of your own anatomy to suffer the same dry rot that his "eternal
staff" has (I've seen it, it is *not* a pretty sight). Lastly, stay
away from circuses... the dirty old men that run them prey on innocents (or
in your case, not so innocents) like you.
Love,
Luna
Dear villians,
i really need u guys help. Everybody is calling me a loser. they say i am werid, nerdy and eccentic. But am i? i only luv a cartoon named thundercats and would occasionally do the "ho" thing. i would also curse all the villians too. my friends are laughing at me behind my backs. what could i do?
From: Very sad, boo hoo hoo
Dear Crybaby, er, Very Sad,
What's this? You actually have such awful taste as to curse at a villian, especially one as wonderful as me?!?! Well! Let me let you in on something-- if you spend what little of a life you have worshipping a bunch of sanctimonius felines like the Thundercats, it's little wonder that people are calling you a loser! Especially if you do that "ho" thing in public! Besides, do you really want to get the same reputation that Lion-Ho has? My advice to you is to take up a more worthy object of worship-- like me, for instance-- or go and follow the advice of the weirdest, nerdiest Thundercat around (Tygra) and develop an addiction to Silky's fruit. You'll be so stoned you won't notice everyone laughing at you behind your back!
Cursing right back at you,
Luna
Dear mummra and luna,
u see, i got this crush on a red head guy(or i should say lion). My sis is also interested in him too. i am prepare to fight for him but my sis had know my intentions and quickly act first. Get this. she actually lured him into bed with her. what should i do???
From: crying her heart out nady
Dear Nady,
Even though you didn't give any names, I'm assuming that the object of your affections is that Thunderslut Lion-Ho, seeing as he's the only lion on Third Earth, and one of the only redheads. If this is the case, then I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he, as you already know, changes lovers like most people change their underwear (excluding mutants, of course). He's not exactly tough to get in the sack, so if you are even slightly attractive you have a decent shot at getting him with a little flirting. The bad news is, again, that he's a big "ho". To put it bluntly, he is not a great candidate for a commitment. All that said, here's my advice for what to do if you still want the big-haired loser: approach him and flirt, and if your sister interferes, beat the hell out of her and tell her to get her own man. If you're too wimpy to pull this off, I'll be willing to lend Amok's services-- for a nominal fee, of course.
Love,
Luna
Dear advisors:
I am a sophomore at a medium-sized midwestern college. Last semester I got an extra scholarship check, but this semester I don't. Reason? The stupid administration decides that that check would be aone time thing, or some such nonsense. As a result, I am completely broke, and cannot pay the remainder of my tuition or buy any books. What do I do?
Signed:
Sleepless Student
Dear Sleepless Student,
Looks like you're up the proverbial River of Despair without a paddle! Since dealing with a university administration is even more hopeless than Alluro's quest to regain his hair, my advice to you is to seek out money in more profitable endeavors. As an evil villianess, I know many ways to make money, but unfortunately they are all illegal and that butch bitch Mandora would hall my ass in for promoting lawbreaking activities. Still, I can give you general hints-- students are careless with cash. Try your local bar on a Friday or Saturday night, and see if an opportunity to take advantage of someone (their wallet, I mean, though if you're a horny frat boy type no doubt you'll try for more) arises.
Wishing you luck in taking advantage of the drunken saps,
Luna
Dear Luna and Mumm-Raa
I have this problem. I am a highly decorated commando who is dedicated to fighting injustice, but my mother never wanted me to do it because of the risk involved. Plus, there is this fellow I work with whom annoys the fucking hell out of me so bad that I would love to blow the dipshit son of a bitch away, and I never did anything to provoke any hostilities from him. What should I do; I love my mother yet she is not to agreeable to get along with and what of the other matter? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD....HELP!!!
Respectfully,
-"A Fighting Soldier From The Sky"
Dear Fighting Soldier,
What are you, some kind of mama's boy? If this person at work is annoying you, by all means, kill him! This is why I go by the philosophy that it is so much simpler to be evil-- when someone gets on our nerves, we can just get rid of them and not have to worry about it! As for your mother, how old are you? I suggest you tell the nosy old bat to butt out... it's your life after all!
Love,
Luna
Dear Luna,
I'VE HAD IT! Usagi is nothing but a clumsy, stupid, useless crybaby, and I'm taking over the Sailor Senshi right after I KICK HER ASS! I know, I know, you're the blonde bitch's appointed cat guardian. So I'll ask you this. Should I kick her ass in front of the others, or take it somewhere private?
Fire Soul Bird
P.S.: Since when does a cat, albeit a talking one, get to work on a advice column?
Dear Fire Soul Bird,
Are you smoking something, or do you have me confused with another "Luna"??? I am a Lunatac from the Moons of Plundarr, not a talking cat! I hate cats! Those Thundercats have cured me of the entire feline-based set of species forever! Now that I've got that out of the way, I assume this "Usagi" and these "Sailor Senshi" are people you know. If this Usagi is even half as annoying as she sounds, my advice is to thrash her soundly and humiliate her in front of everyone.
Love,
Luna
Hello... I was looking for advice with this:
My ex called me late, late at night and told me that she was basically eloping with some new guy she met, and that I am better in many ways than this guy, except I am not from her culture. She also called me at 11:00 in the friggin' night, just when I'm trying to go to sleep! And the little ***** has the nerve to say, "I will always have a place in my heart for you... I love you." What do I say? What do I do?
-Perpetually Jilted Joe
Dear Joe,
In the first place, that little skank has no business waking you up that late at night! You need your sleep, pal, and personally if some geek had the nerve to wake me up from a sound session of Z-stacking I'd take that telephone of theirs and....well, let's just say that contrary to the popular bumper sticker, their driving sure wouldn't improve any with the phone jammed up their chocolate whizzway!
Secondly, you're better off without her. If she's that ditzy to dump you for a lesser man then she deserves whatever Mutantly garbage he gives her. Why don't you try for one of those Thundersluts--I mean, Thundercats, heh heh? I hear Pumyra's on the rebound from Ben-Gay--oops, I mean, Ben-Gali. Hope it works out for you, and remember: No matter how desperate you may be, Lion-Ho--and that was NOT a slip of the tongue that time--is NOT worth any time or attention! Chilla on PMS is more appealing than that Mutant-crab-riddled skag!
Looking for love in all the wrong places (and having
a damn good time of it too),
Mumm-Ra
Dear Tilted Joe,
It sounds to me like this wench is stringing you along and you're falling for it. If I were you, I'd tell her exactly what she could do with her "special place in her heart" and go find someone who isn't as shallow. You seem like a nice guy (hey, no one's perfect) so I am sure that there's a nice girl somewhere who might like you. I'd offer to help, but nice people don't talk to me for obvious reasons. Evil luck to you!
Love,
Luna
DEAR MUMM-RA AND LUNA I NEED YOUR HELP WILEYKIT AND ME ARE DATEING WE HAVE A LOVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT WHEN WE WHEN TO THE THUNDERA PUB FOR DINNER ON A DATE SOME LOSER STARTS TO BUG US . WHAT DO I DO PLESAE E-MAIL ME AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO FROM DENNIS
Dear Dennis,
Was this loser who bugged you one of WilyKit's boyfriends? She has had more of those than Cheetara has spots, you know. You could blow him off or, if you are feeling evil, blow him away, but the goody goody kitten would probably have a hissy fit over that. My advice would be to just drop the little Thundertramp and find a girlfriend who doesn't have a squadron of horny exes/flames following her around all the time.
Love,
Luna
DEAR LUNA PLESAE HELP ME MY SEX LIVE IS OVER MY GIRL DUMPED ME AND NOW IS SEEING A SLUT WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? FROM A SEX LOVED LION
Dear Lion,
You have two choices. Either you can do what many of the pathetic men of this planet do, and "take matters into your own hands", or you can find a new girlfriend. Perhaps you should give the personal ads a try... I've seen a number of ads in there that might interest a single guy looking for a good time!
Love,
Luna
Dear Luna,
I have a really bratty son that is terrorizing everyone in our town and on the internet. My X-wife blames it on the drugs and cat food I was eating when I was 20 years old, a year before we had our kid. Our son gets kicks out of flaming people and telling them that their pages suck, he also makes his counsin's life a living hell. He has caused me not to pay my bills on time and had to barrow money from my mother. My mother tells me he should be in military school but I know he would hate it. What do I do Luna this kid is driving me up the wall, HELP.
Help me please,
Jerry (Sheldon's Dad)
Dear Jerry,
I am so glad you wrote in. I would like to have a word with you about that pest of a son of yours. He is a disgrace to everything that's evil! You don't know how long I had to listen to Cheezey bitching about that little freak of a child you spawned. I almost had to take over counterflaming him for her, she was so disgusted. Let me tell you, sir, that boy should be publicly horsewhipped over and over again! Military school is the *least* he deserves, and in fact I think either you or his poor cousin should spank his whiny little rear end until he can't sit for a month! Oh, and make sure he can't get within 100 feet of a computer. Trolls like him are the reason people fear the internet, after all!
Love,
Luna
Dear Alluro,
I have a problem that I just know you can help me with. I am a proud and loyal evil groupie (especially to you, oh amazing master of the mind!) but there is a faction of EVIL and VICIOUS people online who take a cruel delight in torturing me with disgusting stories of Snarfs defeating the poor misunderstood forces of evil. What can I do to keep these misguided fools from harming the evil people I care about?
Persecuted Groupie
Dear Persecuted Groupie,
I am glad you decided to choose me as your hero. You first of all I would ask these jerks to quit trashing you and your heros, and to worship you and I. If this doesn't beat the crap out of them, do anything cheat, lie, even hire out help. This should work, if not call me and I will personally deal with the problem myself. I will promise that these losers will leave you alone. ::: Raises Club ::: You will give me $1,000 for this help, then you will forget that I told you to give me the money ::: Lowers Club ::: So if you have any more problems let me know and I will take care of these idiots.
Alluro. ::: You will come and ask for advice every week:::
Dear Mumm-Ra,
Can you help me? I'm a middle-aged Snarf who I think is a pretty cool guy, except that I eat a little too much candyfruit with my best friend Oswald and have a bit of a gut. But the lady snarfs pass me by for dorky young college boys named Melvin, one was even mean enough to say I had bigger breasts than the Thundercat WilyKit! I'm really a nice guy, so what should I do to get the snarfy attention from that cute little Snarfette next door?
E. Bert
Bert,
A snarf that is cool? Excuse me while I laugh! Face the facts, pal: women are not into fat guys. Just look at Slithe. The closest he's ever come to womanly attention was when his mother sicced the cops on him after he came back home when she dumped him in the Plun-Darr bay. If you want to attract more dates than that flyboy *snicker* Melvin, you'll have to lose weight. A lot of it. And work on your abs--nothing gets 'em drooling like a well-packed six-pack!
Using snarfs like you for kickballs,
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Studly
Dear Luna or Alluro,
I was dating this really fat and ugly man and wanted him to myself. My fucking boyfriend shall we call him JJK is dating some internet bitch named cheezey and he won't tell me the truth about it. He told me that she is only a friend and they are too far off. I really hate it when MY boyfriend looks, talks, or even interacts with other females. I believe that he should be mine and if I can't have him no should. He calles me phcyo and I am not I just look out for MY men, and he is MINE all MINE FOREVER. And if any women looks at him I will hurt her so bad. Could you help me with my problem. I want to make this man all mine with out some internet bitch getting in my way.
Your friend,
Rose
Ps. Is Mumm-Ra or Alluro still single?
Dear Rose,
Have you forgotten to take your medication today? Because it sounds to me like you need to get a grip on reality something bad! First of all, you better not have meant the Cheezey that I work with as the "cheezey" in your little rant, otherwise I'm going to have Amok thrash you! She is one of my most loyal evil fans and only we, her evil idols, are allowed to abuse her! Now for your boyfriend, I suggest you go find some other poor sap to torment. Why don't you give Lion-Ho a call instead? Desperate women appeal to him you know, and he hasn't turned down anyone yet.
Love,
Luna
P.S.-- I believe Mumm-Ra and Alluro are both still single (after all, who would want to marry a decaying freak in a miniskirt or an overconfident balding jerk?) but I think even *you* can do better than those losers, honey. Trust me, call Lion-Ho. His sword does grow quite nicely after a boost of viagra, you know. ;-)
Hello Psycho Bitch,
Why are you bugging this poor person, and trying to force him to be your slave. I am the only one that can make people slaves so get off my turf. As for me being single is none of your business, like I really would want to date you. I could give you Luna's phone number. It sounds like you both would make a perfect pair. You both are demanding little trolls. As for Mumm-ra I think he's dating Lion-HO. Sorry but not even Mumm-ra's dog would want you as a date. I would consider jumping off a bridge I would persuade you :::Raise Club::: You will give me all your money then jump off the closet bridge.
Your pal
Alluro.
Ps. If you don't get a life and quit being selfish I will send Luna and Amok after you.
I'm in love with a certain warrior maiden who shall remain nameless because she'd beat the shit outta me. My boss isn't much better, the boy's a total "Ho" and has a tendency to try to have me play with his sword. so what should I do.
A frustrated Panther
Mumm-Ra says:
Kill Lion-Ho, hide Willa's (or Nayda's, if you fancy younger girls) arrows
and get a Viagra prescription. Need I say more?
Dear Mumm-Ra and Luna;
I use to belong to a group of losers but left because they are cheating low-lifes and I could stand them no longer. I have gotten into several fights with them but always lost because of a higher power. I have come so close only to be defeated by a magic trinket like the Sword of Omens or the Star of Thundera. What can I do to put the odds in my favor.
A disgruntled sabertooth
Mumm-Ra sez:
Simple: get rid of the magic trinket. And don't forget to do something about Jaga, that SOB will stick his nose into anything!
Dear Disgrunted Sabertooth,
First off, congratulations on ditching the losers. Now to the problem at hand, the dreaded magic trinkets. Sometimes I wonder just who Jaga had to sell his soul to in order to get those ridulously powerful magic toys for his bunch of do-gooding, smarm-spouting felines. Whoever it is, I'm sure I could pay them double. Anyhow, there's only one way to get rid of that pesky magic and that is to hinder it at its source. I'm guessing that's the refuses-to-die-in-peace Jaga that Lion-Ho "converses" with. My suggestion would be to look up some magic of your own and have an exorcism done on the old goat.
Love,
Luna
Dear Aluro,
Seeing as how you're the latest addition to this looney bin, I thought I'd give it a try and see what kind of advice you can dispense. I have this snotty co-worker who keeps making snide remarks at my expense and it's really beginning to irk me. Any chance you could hypnotize Luna to take a permanent leave from the column?
The Mummy
Dear Mummy,
So you are having problems with Luna, well try living with her. If I could put her under my control, I would have done it long ago and be the true leader of the Lunatacs. The only problem is that beast she rides "Amok" I can't control something that doesn't have a brain. I know for a fact that if I started to make Luna my slave her words would be "Amok trash Alluro".
If this would happen I would be out of the work for about a month. So if you want to make an alliance with me to destory Luna let me know.
:::Raises Club:::
You will give all your powers to me and give me $10,000 for this wonderful advice.
Alluro.
Dear Columnists,
My girlfriend (whom I will refer to as "Ice Princess" to protect her anonymity) and I have been having problems lately. She has been fraternizing with a nefarious group of known lawbreakers since before I met her and refuses to stop hanging around these degenerates. I'm afraid that she's going to get herself into some real trouble. The Ice Princess complains that I am too high-strung, too "by the book" and that I am obsessed with my job to the point of excluding all other pleasures from my life. Can you believe that? SHE OF ALL PEOPLE HAS THE NERVE TO CALL ME FRIGID?! Ha! I'll admit that I am a career woman and that the defense of the universe and upholding the rule of intergalactic law is very important to me, but I'm not that boring, am I? She won't return my phone calls and I hear reports of her spending most of her time slumming in clubs on the trendy east side of the Berbil village with a certain spotted blonde Thundercat. I've tried sending flowers, but that doesn't seem to work, nor do threats. What can I do to persuade my Ice Princess to stay at home, short of handcuffing her to the bed (which by solar system code #51-2252-1466-6-B is illegal anyhow…). This officer requests your assistance!!!
Signing off,
A Lady Cop in Hot Pursuit
Dear Lady Cop,
Did it ever occur to you that maybe your lawbreaking lover just doesn't like you anymore? Maybe all those doughnuts you eat on duty are starting show in places that are, shall we say, less than flattering, and dear Ice Princess doesn't want to say it to your face because she's afraid you'll splash anti-freeze on her in anger again? Either way, it's clear that the two of you are wildly incompatible, and should move on. There's plenty of willing whores, er, young ladies, in the Tree Top Kingdom. If you keep pushing Ice Princess, she'll probably frost you somewhere unpleasant permanently and you'll wind up even more bitter than you are now.
Love,
Luna
Dear Officer requests your assistance,
You are way to up tight with your codes and laws, no wonder the Ice Princess hates you. I think that you should leave your job and *Raises Club* Give me all your money and credit card, then you will date me and only me my Officer. *Lowers Club* forget about that frost bit bitch. I think that you should learn to have a little thing called FUN, have you heard that word before Officer. Take my advice, quite your job and dump that Ice Bitch of yours.
Forever yours,
Alluro...
Ps. *Raises Club* You will marrie me you don't stand a chance.
luna this is bad max a luna tac and i need help i had sex and she had a baby now i am mad and i want to stop this p[lesae help mad max ps: cheetara that bich secwed me plesae help me on that
Dear Bad Max,
You need help all right! First you might want to try this nifty little thing called punctuation so I can understand what you're asking. Now for your issues: The baby-- Sorry bud, once it's born, there's not much you can do to get rid of it short of killing it. Believe me, TugMug and I know that all too well in the form of my *ahem* dear Lunessa. And if you're getting homicidal ideas, I advise against it. You see how rough Lady Cop up there is with her lovers, so you don't even want to think about how she'd treat a lawbreaking man. As for Cheetara, who hasn't she screwed? Take a number!
Love,
Luna
Mumm-Ra and Luna
The group I used to run with is full of smaery cheating do-gooders. They have this incredibly powerfull sword and an old bastard who keeps butting in and helping them out when ever I'm winning. I can't kill him since he's already dead and the sword can't be used against them. Any ideas?
-an ex-ThunderCat
Mumm-Ra sez:
You're screwed. Console yourself with the fact that at least in a hundred years they will all be scarab food while you are still around plundering the planet....waitaminute, *I'm* the undead one here...
Okay. Let me revise that advice:
You're screwed. Period.
Having the last laugh as always,
Mumm-Ra
Dear Ex-ThunderCat,
Hmm, you sound eerily like that Sabertooth guy. Is it coincidence, or did I just forget to check my mail for a few months? Ah well, the point is I'm here now to dispense my wisdom to you. I say to use black magic to rid yourself of the meddling old bastard, and that airhead of a lion in charge of the Thundercats will be so stumped as to what to do (remember, Lion-O's not used to actually thinking, his major blood flow goes to the other head, if you know what I mean) that you can easily defeat him.
Wishing you all the best in Thunder-trashing,
Luna
dear alluro my gay guy jojo is seeing another man what do i do plesae help me love gay gay ps alluro i want to go out with you
Dear Gay gay,
I would take a frying pan and beat the HE double hockey sticks out of jojo's new man. *Raises Club* Then you will give me all your money, and you will forget about how cute I am, because I don't swing that way with humans. *Lowers Club* Then I would show Jojo who the real man of the relationship is.
Your pal ( and that's all I ever will be )
Alluro.
Dear Luna,
I have this problem. You see, I am a Thundercat in training. Something I find very tedious. And I have problems getting along with the T-cats (hey, not my fault!). Pumyra hates me, but I hate her so it doesn't matter. Except for the fact that she puts arsenic in my drinks, my food, etc. Lion-o and Cheetara say they like me, but coming from the Spotted Slut and Loverboy Lion-o it's not much of a compliment. The Thunderkittens SAY they liked me- until I woke up with shaving cream on my pillow. Frankly, I don't know what to do. Maybe there's a group of "bad guys" I could join. Please help me.
Sincerely, A Black Leopard.
P.S. Panthro, I know you read this, and if you make one more pass at me I'm gonna strangle you with those nun-chucks of yours!
Dear Black Leopard,
Looks to me like "being a Thundercat" just isn't in the cards for you, sweetie. My advice to you is to ditch that group of smarmy oversexed ally cats and to change your alliegance to a worthwhile group who would appreciate your violent tendencies. Since you can type coherently it's clear that you're too smart to be a mutant, so how about coming over to Skytomb for an interview?
Looking for a few good evildoers,
Luna
Dear Alluro,
Everytime I see a guy, he reminds me of my old boyfriend. It's starting to get on even my nerves and I was wondering if you had any advice on the matter since Luna(the talking cat) has forbidden me and the other Sailor Senshi from ever contacting that other Luna(Whoever she is) again.
Love,
Supreme Thunder Dragon
P.S.: Did I mention how Lion-O reminds me of my old boyfriend?..... DAMN IT! THERE I GO AGAIN!
Dear Thunder Dragon,
Lion-HO, come on you can do better then that... I think that you should get back to your boyfriend and do what ever it takes to do so. Kill, hurt, or even rob people to get your boyfriend back *Raises Club* You will then give me all your money and credit cards. *Lowers Club* Now get your man, and stay away from Lion-Ho *Alluro mutters* Lion-HO is my bitch...
Your Pal,
Alluro
Dear Luna,
I am in love with one of my co-workers, and while he acknowledges my existance, he's got it for another woman. Which is bad enough, but she treats him horribly, giving him the perpetual ( and literal ) cold shoulder. I've done everything short of death threats to get him to change his mind, but nothing has worked. And no, I don't come across as THAT desperate around him.
- Lonely in the Skytomb
P.S. And there really isn't anyone else worth looking twice at around here.
Dear Lonely in the Skytomb,
Oh my poor dear, I hate to say this, but you're delusional if you think any of the men in Skytomb are worth even half a glance-- except my dear obedient and faithful Amok of course, but he's mine, so hands off-- then you're in really deep. Still, if you insist on chasing after this less than receptive flame of yours, my advice would first be to get rid of the competition for good. If you're not willing to kill her off, then perhaps you can fix her up with someone else she's attracted to, swap her birth control with tic-tacs, and let nature take its course. Once she's out of the way, your crush is all yours for the taking... and as a bonus, he'll be needing lots of comfort, if you get my drift.
Love,
Luna
Dear Luna,
I've got this HUGE problem. My sister is being bothered these two guys she doesn't like. Now, since she was my mother figure growing up, I feel I should do something to them (such as showing them an uncomfortable place to shove my icepick) but Chil... I mean, my sister tells me she can handle things. Should I back off and let her ice these hypnotists or do it myself?
Man With An Icepick
Dear Man With An Icepick,
Wanting to thrash these jerks who are bothering your sister is a perfectly natural reaction, especially if they're hypnotists. It's been my experience that hypnotists are among the most egotistical, self-centered, obnoxious, insolent, pushy, and all-around good-for-nothing types there are. I say it's your duty to humble them and put them in their place. However since you seem to hold your sister's feelings in high regard, I must advise you to not do anything that would make her more mad at you than she already is at them. If worse comes to worse and she outright forbids you to do these losers any bodily harm, you can always be supportive and encourage her to do it herself, and perhaps even let her borrow your icepick.
Love,
Luna
dear luna help my name is captian kaythen janeway of the star ship voayger i am far from earth and i need help my crew is a group of losers helpppp i sear my first officer is a big jerk tom prais doest nothing he is a sult the doctor is makeing love to seven of nine plesae help captain kaythen janway u.s.s voayger
Dear Captain Kaythen Janway,
I can sympathize with leading a crew of losers. My Lunatacs may be the best of the bunch when it comes to evildoers in general (they're certainly light years ahead of those stupid mutants), but given how often they screw up my simple orders, I definitely feel your pain. My advice to you is to fire them and go hire a new crew. If they resist, just jettison them into deep space one by one... and since you're from Earth, a universe in which space *is* a vacuum, you can be sure they won't be floating back in to harass you.
Love,
Luna
P.S.-- I can sympathize with your first officer dilemma too. Alluro, who likes to think himself my second in command (yeah, right!) is also a big jerk and a big slut. Maybe you and I should do lunch sometime.
Dear Evil advice people,
I have a big problem, you see I am infatuated with the editor of thispaper. She likes me as a friend and I am really honored but, well you know how it is. Thanks for listening I hope you can help.
Friendly Elf
Dear Friendly Elf,
From what I can see the solution and the problem are both dead giveaways in your name, "Friendly Elf". Ever hear the saying "nice guys finish last"? Well there's your problem, especially with that deadline-pushing pain-in-the--er--I mean, that dear groupie/editor Cheezey who worships us and keeps me employed. You see, she is a rather warped soul (why do you think she keeps company with us?) and she tends to only fall in love with evildoers. And lately her tastes seem to be focused on evildoers that are tall, purple, balding, and with accents. So maybe you should shave your head, become more aggressive and evil, and perhaps work on faking a sophisticated accent, and then she'll be more inclined to look your way.
Love,
Luna
Mumm-Ra sez:
You call *that* a problem?! That's not a problem! A problem is when you have ten Thundercats counter-attacking you and you're low on power. A problem is when you find yourself stuck with a bunch of revolting, uncooperative, brainless, worthless, hopeless lackeys like the Mutants and the Lunataks. A problem is when you're faced with an undeserved reprimand from an ignorant group of ungrateful bosses. A mighty ever-living source of evil such as myself could care less about your love life! I think that frankly, to steal an oft-repeated phrase from Aluro, you don't stand a chance with the girl of your dreams. I have it on good authority that she is a major Lunatak fan, so unless you sprout horns on your forehead and gain about 5 more feet of height overnight, you can't hope to compete with someone from the Moons of Plun-Darr. Try the Keebler Elves, I hear they're looking for a new TV commercial replacement ever since their head elf got depressed over the sugar-free change in some cookie frostings and hung himself with a shoelace. Who knows, you might find something short and sweet to obsess over...
A working stiff whose own love life is hotter than
the red lightning he shoots,
Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living
Dear Elf,
Ahhhhhh! Your infatuated with LUNA! *Alluro shakes his head* You are CRAZY! Luna is UGLY, Not good in Bed, or so I have heard, and she screams way too much! *Alluro recieves a piece of papers saying that it is Cheezey and not Luna* Oh, That editor, I thought he was talking about the editor of the advice colume. Well then you have good taste... But lets face it. Her love is only for me Alluro and no body else! Why do you think she says I am her "Favorite Character" So my advice is find some-body else. SHE'S MINE!!!!!! or one of my wifes.
Your Pal
Alluro
Dear Luna,
Everyone is saying that I'm insane. That just because an evil entity can take control of my body on occasion that I'm dangerous to everyone's safety. I'm starting to worry that my half Cheetah/half Ice Lunatak lover may be getting nervous about our relationship. How do I keep my man?
Gloomy and Cheerful all in one
Dear Gloomy/Cheerful,
What kind of wimps do you hang out with that they can't take a little criminal insanity in their lives? If they were really your friends, they'd accept you, psychoses and all. Same goes for your half-breed honeybunch. If he doesn't appreciate your darker side, beat him into submission until he does. I know a great little shop on the outskirts of the Wollo village that sells crops and whips just for such purposes.
Love,
Luna
Dear Almighty Mumm-Ra,
I have the grave misfortune of being Luna's cousin, although I seek to rule the moons of Plundarr myself someday. The problem is, with all the turmoil going on in that system Luna's the only one who can unite the moons. I've tried and yet some of the moons choose to follow her uncle. What should I do? Do I try and go it alone?
Prince Tycho of the Moons of Plundarr
Mumm-Ra sez:
Pray tell, just how is Luna supposed to unite all the moons of Plun-Darr? With her super-sticky facial cold cream morning mud mask? (Not that it actually does her any good.) If you're ever gonna establish your own kingdom, you gotta get rid of the clods in your way. You can either amass your own formidable following and stage a bloody but entertaining coup, or take the sneaky route and create a puppet government where the people *think* Luna and her detestable brethren are in charge (but you're really the one calling the shots) until such time as they die off and can be replaced with your own chosen people. Good luck, evildoer!
Glad he's already got an evil empire to lord it over,
Mumm-Ra
dear luna help this is seven of nine my captian captian janway is being a jerk she is giong out with the doctor my lover help what do i do tell me the hell now from seven of nine
Dear Seven of Nine,
One word: MUTINY!
Love,
Luna
luna this is seven thakns for your advice but when you say munity do i do it to janway of or they doing it to me plesae from seven ps: i like alluro ask him if he will go out with me
Dear Seven,
Since my suggestion about mutiny was apparently a little vague, I'll put it in simpler terms. Trash them.
Love,
Luna
P.S.- I'd love to help, but ever since I walked in on Alluro and Lion-Ho in handcuffs and had nightmares, I've made it a point to stay out of his personal life.
Dear Mumm-Ra,
I have some problems that I thought perhaps you could offer some insight on. I was once a powerful Telekinetic and black magic sorceress, but now I'm dead and living in a ghostly form (which I'm pretty bitter about) thanks to a hateful little troll and a good-for-nothing little brother who's been so crop-beaten by the little wench that he doesn't have the balls to defy her orders, even to stand up for me, his beloved sister. Making matters worse, I now work for a group of four ghostly idiots who forced me to marry their primary earthbound servant. Now he wouldn't be so bad (he's spectacular in the sarcophagus if you catch my drift) but let's face it, he drives me nuts half the time! What do you suggest I do about my situation?
Sincerely,
Telekinetic From Beyond
Dear Wifey-Pie,
Undead life's a bitch, ain't it Torlei, sweetie?! Oh well--you made your sarcophagus, now you gotta lie in it. And since I'm sharing it with you, things actually aren't all that bad now are they, heh heh heh! But then you already know that, having admitted as much. True, the Ancient Spirits of Evil suck major snarf ass, but unfortunately you'll have to learn to live with the tight-assed bastards.....unless a better alternative comes up. :::curses the ASOE for taking away his powerful Sphere of Seti::: It's doubtful, but it could happen. Hey, hope springs eternal. Luna and Aluro, at least, are manageable problems. With your abilities, I see no reason why you can't telekineticize their worthless asses into the next age of Third Earth. And as for that sexy, studly, undead hunk of a husband of yours, may I suggest that you treat him with a little more subservience....like obliging his every desire and worshipping the ground he walks upon. His attitude towards you would most likely change for the better then, I daresay.
Doing that tongue-clicking thing that you hate so
much and preparing to shoot down that "headache" excuse of yours with red
lightning so that he can get some,
Mumm-Ra
Dear that moron named Alluro,
I despise having to resort to such things as advice columns but all my plans thus far have failed. I figure you've been turned down often enough to give advice. I have a friend who is being bothered by hypnotists. No matter she says they keep pestering and asking her out. I know that one of them only wants the satisfaction of sleeping with her. The other, Mister "My ego is the size of of Skytomb" is more noble but doesn't get the point. What should my sist... friend do?
He who carries a big icepick
Dear Icepickyournose,
Let's get a couple of things strait, first of all I AM NO MORON. Second I can get any female I want, I am the hottest thing to ever walk the face of this planet. As for your Sis, if she doesn't want that guy bothering her then I will ask her out and I will prove to you that I NEVER get turned down NEVER!
Alluro.
Dear Advice People,
My personal life sucks. I'm a pretty good looking teenage Thundercat, but for some reason I always strike out with girls. My last girlfiend dumped me for a guy in his fifties (even though she was a cold witch anyway) and my sister says that I lose out because other guys are smarter than me. I don't know why everyone says I'm so dumb. Lion-Ho even had the nerve to check my hair for blond roots the other day! Was it the "CTW" thing?
--Stumped
Dear Stumpy,
'Fraid so, Mr. Stop-Delay. Your girlfriend may have been a cold witch, but if she dumped you for a guy who's old enough to be your grandfather, then that ought to tell you something. Namely, that you're far too immature for her liking. Grow some facial hair, some height, and some balls (of the emotional type), gain a few muscles here and there and maybe she'll change her mind.......or not. Hey, you got nothing to lose by taking my advice! As for the other, don't feel bad. Lion-Ho has no room to talk when it comes to the lack of intelligence. Here is a grown man who still talks to the ghost of his dead mentor out loud in public, doesn't make a move without consulting that nosy old fart first, relies on a sword to do all his work for him, wears a sissy underwear-costume everywhere he goes, and who still needs a *snarf*, of all things, to supervise his daily activities! Now if that isn't pathetic, then I don't know what is!
Hoping someday that Lion-Ho will "crack-the-whip" and bury the dratted circus train a hundred miles below earth with his annoying smarmy redheaded self in it,
Mumm-Ra
luna this is the doctor on the star ship voagyer my life is a living nightmigh i can go any where because tom paris is hiting me and hunting me what do i do? the doctor.
Dear Doctor,
You have a medical degree, why don't you put it to good use? I'm sure you know of all the best tranquilizers, narcotics, and hallucinogenics on the market. Simply "prescribe" your dear friend Tom a healthy dose of one of these, and he won't be able to tell night from day, much less hit you or hunt you. Then when he's taken care of, maybe you should take a dose or two to relieve your nightmares. It works for Tygra.
Love,
Luna
Dear Advice-Type-People,
How does one tell one's best friend that they are dressed like a slut? I can't come right out and say it, as she will get angry and tell me that I am being tactless and rude. If that wasn't bad enough, she complains to me when sleazy guys try to hit on her. I tried to explain to her that a low-cut at the top, high-cut at the bottom black vinyl mini-dress sends certain signals, but to no avail.
Probably going to enjoy your advice more than I ought
to,
- P.M.
Dear P.M.
Where does your friend live... I have been told that I am a very sleazy guy. And lets face it I hit up on anything that moves on 3rd earth. Oh and just a little FYI there is nothing wrong dressing like a slut. The more slutty looking the better chance you get of sleeping with me in skytomb.
Tell your friend that she's doing a good job. Oh and you should try dressing up like a slut. It's kind of fun. I dress up like a female many times -er- forget that last comment.
-Alluro
Dear P.M.,
It sounds to me like someone needs to whip a good dose of sense into that girl's head. Since you tried the subtle approach and it didn't work, and refuse to tell her point blank to spare her feelings, you'll just have to give her a reality check some other way. A good start might be printing out Alluro's response to this letter and showing it to her. Gods know I would make some changes if I found out I was attracting the attention of sleazeballs like him. Another tactic that might work is to "accidentally" spill drinks or food on her more tasteless clothing when you see she's about to go out, and force her to change into something more subdued before you're seen in public. Personally I suggest a leotard with bright spandex pants, and white boots. Hey, it's worked for me for the last 12 or so years!
Always dressed for success,
Luna
Dear columnists,
My beloved wife and I just started our own webpage and are looking for some way to get this information to the masses. It can be found at http://members.xoom.com/Knave_Iespyk/ What would you recommend?
Walk softly but carry a large icepick.
Dear Knave,
First off, I'd recommend that you not refer to me as a "goblin" in your section devoted to me and post the TRUTH. While a few of your character descriptions were right on the money (Alluro's for instance--you're right, he IS a moron), overall I find your site to be shamelessly self-promoting and slanderous. The recipes were the best part, and considering I spent two weeks in the bathroom recovering after the last time I tried one, that's not saying much. How dare you imply that I am not a worthy leader of the Lunatacs, you half-breed punk?
Secondly, any idiot knows that to promote a website, you have to submit it to search engines and perhaps a link exchange or two. Not that I think anyone would want to visit and hear what an insolent fool like you or that blond bimbo of a wife of yours has to say.
Substituting a Knave in RedEye's Tiger Stew Recipe
this evening,
Luna
Dear Icepickyournose,
You want my opion on my page after calling me a moron. Well I decided to take a look at your page and there was one problem with it. NO PICTURES OF ME. Your site is pointless without pictures of ME. I damand you to put up pictures of me RIGHT NOW.
Oh I added your page to my links page. But it will be removed in two weeks if I don't see at least 100 pictures of me on your site.
Thanks
Alluro.
dear alluro HELPPPPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEE PPPPLLLLLLLLEAAAASSE i am going insane my life is riun i was a super hero saving planets for evil and my talk show was good but everone fouind out i was a dug guy and got arred in 1987 for dug use and i am a slut what do i do alluro my life is riun plesae help from space ghost ps: vist ghost planet
Dear Space Ghost,
Drugs huh? I still sell a whole bunch of types, intrested? Oh and a slut I heard Luna was looking for a date. She told me that typos and mis-spelling turns her on. I advice you to get hooked up with luna and buy drugs from me.
Oh and use spell check next time.
Your drug dealer
Alluro
I have this unbearable, burning itch everytime I pee. I think that guy I slept with last month gave me something horrible. I don't even know who he was, just that he had wild, red hair. By all the good Saints, what should I do? The pain... the pain!!
Dear Anonymous,
In the words of Safari Joe, Lion-Ho does it again! My advice to you is to go to your local free clinic and get yourself an economy sized bottle of anti-STD meds. You're going to need them.
Love,
Luna
Heey Looona Mom-Ra and Al
Yoo doon't no me butt that'ss ook."Youse see I gots a problem. I found apurty little kety and I thinka she likes me. Umm Im not verry gud with womans, what shud I do?
RolyPoly in love
Ps: i's not TugMug
Dear RolyPoly,
You mean you actually found someone desperate enough to date you? Wow, what's Third Earth coming to? Anyway, since you asked, I will give you my time-honored advice to winning a woman's heart. First off, shower. Regularly. "Regularly" does not mean once a year, or even once a month. I'm talking daily, buddy, or at the very least weekly if she's into the more "earthy" men. Flowers, gifts, candy, and all that romantic sappy stuff work well too. Last but not least, don't be lewd or disgusting. The only people who find that attractive are sleazes like Alluro, or that Thunderslut Lion-Ho.
Love,
Luna
Dear RolyPoly,
It's quite as plain as the nose on your face. If you don't know what to do with a women then you are gay. I think that you should brush off this person and start dating some guys. Like Lion-O, Mumm-ra, or even me, I am very good in bed, ask anyone. *Alluro, you will sleep with me you don't stand a chance* Oh and the double letter thing like oo, rr, and extra are out this year. SSS's are in ask Sssssith.
Your Pal,
Al
Yo Roly,
Judging from the atrocious grammar and spelling you use, I think I'd prefer NOT to know you anyway! That aside, if you think you have a sure thing going with your feline galpal, go for it. Hey, what's the worst that could happen? She might put an expanding bo staff up your tripoding ass or stuff an exploding pellet in your gravity carbine, but based on your history I think you might actually enjoy that. So, to steal a phrase from Chilla, "chill out" and go with the flow.
Besides, Cheetara's busy this weekend and I don't have another date, so frankly I don't give a rat's hairy ass about your love life when mine is top priority.
Smugly secure in the knowledge that he's all that and a bag of potato chips,
Mumm-Ra
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