Advice Column

Welcome to the first regular column of the Third Earth Inquirer, now more evil than ever!  So, all you troubled Third-Earthers, come and tell your most hard-to-solve problems to our (ahem!) trained professionals, and they'll be happy to give you their honest opinion and their helpful advice!

Uh oh! Some Third-Earthers don't like our columnists' style of offering advice, and have resorted to flaming our columnists!  Want to see some of the flame wars they're engaging in?  Go here!

Due to the hefty volume of mail this page has gotten in the past, all of the older advice has now been archived so that only the newest advice queries are below. It can be viewed in the Advice Column Archives in chronological order.

Before we begin our little therapy session, here are the mission statements of our hosts:

Luna:  Sure, tell me all your problems, and I'll tell you what to do with them.  I took this job because Alluro told me that it would be a good way to put my penchant for running my mouth and telling people what to do to good use.  I suppose I should have been offended, but I don't give a damn what that arrogant jerk thinks about me or anything else.  It was one of the rare times he actually had a halfway decent idea anyway, so I decided to give it a try. Besides, if Alluro gets too out of line I'll have Amok beat the crap out of him later.  Anyhow, send your little problems on to me and I'll give you the benefit of my extraordinary wisdom.

Mumm-Ra:  Apparently there are a growing number of Third Earthlings who are dissatisfied with their pathetic little lives, so The Third Earth Inquirer has decided to create a forum for them to air their trivial problems, while myself and the Queen of the Midget Bitches offer advice. Heh! You want problems!? I'll show you problems! When I'm not getting my butt beat by those damned Thundercats or having to put up with the Mutants' and the Lunataks' incompetence, the Ancient Spirits of Evil are chewing my ass out for not taking over Third Earth sooner. If I'm not stuck in court fighting the local dog-walking laws or having lovers' quarrels with any of my numerous girlfriends (or boyfriends), I need something to do!!!! I'm stuck in a pyramid with no cable, no phone, and no peons to boss around other than Ma-Mutt, and he doesn't count because he's always out chasing Berbils or Snarfs or something. So it is my fervent hope that you Third Earthlings will listen carefully to my words of wisdom, and maybe someday I shall succeed in restoring Third Earth to the glory of its evil days, and I can FINALLY catch up on the beauty sleep I've missed during the past thousand years!!!!!!

Alluro:  If you are having problems in your life, I will make them go away and you can quit your complaining to me. :::Raises his club::: You will recieve my advice and take it, you don't stand a chance. You must take my advice and send e-mail to me. Luna and Mumm-Ra don't know what they are talking about, so come and get advice from the master - Alluro. :::Lowers his club::: I promise that you will forget your problems and loose your money to me :::Raises his club::: You will give me all your valuables to me so I can get rich and take over the Lunatacks and Third Earth. You will also forget that I told you that you will loose all your money to me. :::Lowers his Club::: So don't wait and send your problems to me. heh heh.

Now, without further ado, let the column begin!

I read that article of the girl? with the incredible, burning itch every time she peed. Well, I was fed up. That Lion-Ho needed to be taught a lesson. I found out where his favourite hangout was and persued him. Man, is he ever easy!! It only took him two White Russians before he was totally out of it. We headed back to the Lair. We started 'getting jiggy with it'. As he became aroused, my moment had come. Before he could react, I grabbed the Sword of Omens and lopped off his schwong. The Sword of Omens, I guess, was able to see the evil STDs in his manhood and couldn't tell it belonged to its owner. Before anyone showed up to help that deseased slug, I high tailed it, not realizing that I still held his severed schwong in my hand. Now, the feds are after me. I can smell their doughnut laced breath! I don't know what to do! I still have that severed schwong lying in the freezer, without a clue as what to do with it. Please, what do I do now?! Throw that wasteful thing out the window and hope for the best? WHAT??

Kitty Kat in Chaos

Dear Kitty Kat in Chaos,
You have done the world a great service by ridding us of the #1 source of venereal disease on Third Earth.  (Though my fellow columnists probably run a close second in that category!).  Now you must destroy the dismembered member before it can do further damage.  Since you say it's been in the freezer, I suggest you prepare a special meal with it (you can view a very disturbing story called "Salad" for an example on how to do this) and serve it to your worst enemy.  Not only will your evidence be gone, but you will have killed two birds with one stone!

Dear Kitty Kat,
Okay. Calm down and take a deep fact, take several. Now, first of all, I commend you for finally doing something about that sleazy Lion-Ho! It's about time that punk was taught a lesson. Second, GET RID OF THE FRICKIN' EVIDENCE! The feds have nothing on you if they can't turn up any evidence of wrongdoing. Grind that dopey lion's diseased dong up and feed it to the nearest hog farm or something. As long as the fuzz can't connect you with the crime in any way, you should be safe. If not, don't come crying to me--I just had to pay off a @#$@#%@ $1500 fine for walking Ma-Mutt in the city park with an expired license. I don't need any more trouble with that butch bitch Mandora!
Pleading the fifth,

Dear luna i am in a hard place today i am rocko and my freinds ed&bev beghead heffer dr.h Filbert and the kids are mad and hate me beause that i like well.. rainbows and they egg me hosue too plesae help i don't ask a lot but i need help from rocko

Dear Rocko,
You have a name like "Rocko" and you like rainbows?  No wonder they want to kick your ass!  Quit whining and learn to like something manly, or change your name to something more appropriate like "Muffin", or learn to put up with their abuse, girly-boy!
A woman who likes manly men,

Dear Advice People,

I live in New York City and I have one little problem, I just don't fit in. I am a gargoyle babe named Demona and I really didn't ask for much. All I wanted to do was to destroy all of the humans. But no matter what spell or talisman I use, nothing ever works. It seems like my EX-boy friend always gets in my way. Telling me that destroying humans is wrong. The centuries have made him weak. Could you help me destroy this pimple on the face of the earth called humanity. I would be willing to share a small part of the world with you.


Dear Demona,
Golly gee whiz, you'd actually SHARE the world with me?! Well goody goody goo drops! Honey, I've got news for you: Mumm-Ra shares with NO ONE! That's right, I want it all 'cuz I'm a greedy cuss! If you want to lay waste to humanity, may I suggest first eliminating that nuisance of an ex of yours. Then you can do all the damage you want! And maybe, if you have some spare time, you could drop by Cats' Lair and play a nice little game of "Whack The Lion" for me, heh heh heh...Wouldn't get you any perks from me, but I'd be eternally happy if you did it anyway.
Getting his greedy mitts on the planet first,

Dear Demona,
This ex of yours sounds like a real loser.  You should make killing him your first priority.  As for the humans, you should consider leaving a few alive as slaves and whipping boys.  But if you're eager to get a head start, might I suggest Mandora?  She's a real thorn in the Lunatacs' side.  We can discuss conquest of Earth after you get rid of them all.
P.S.- Mumm-Ra was once a human too.  Take him out for me on principle, would you dear?

Oh, Great Wise Ones,

I'm not writing for myself, I'm writing for my sister. I think she has completely lost it. For weeks on end, she has gushed about this guy. "Oh, he's so wonderful!" "Oh, he's so dreamy!" Oh, this and oh, that! Granted, I was happy for her, thinking it had to be one of the male Thundercats; but, just last night, I found out who it was. It was Captain Planet!!! Of all the annoying, worthless superheroes any planet in the known universe has to offer, and it has to be that f***ing wimp! For crying out loud, the guy would scream pollution and disappear if someone in the same room cut the cheese! Please, guys(and gal?)what do I do to discourage this romance before it goes too far?

Fretfully Disgraced

Dear Disgraced,
It's easy: Captain Planet must DIE!
Cleansing Third Earth of the vile pollution of smarm such as C.P.,

Dear Fretfully Disgraced,
When a loved one has sunk to these depths of insanity and bad taste, there is only one humane solution for her.  Commit her.  Lock her up in the most secure rubber room you can find and force her to undergo extensive psychiatric evaluation and treatment.  Then, while she's "getting better", take some toxic waste and put that sanctimonous tree-hugger in his place... six feet underground!
Feeling a strange kinship with the Lunatac-like Eco-villains,

dear luna help i want to wear my bother boxer shorts i like them there are cool plase help i'll do it anyway from wilykit

Dear Wilykit,
The fact that you want to wear boxer shorts is disturbing in and of itself, but please, whatever your urges my dear, don't use your brother's.  Two words: Skid marks.  Please, spend the extra few dollars and purchase your own from the local Thunder-Mall.

Dear Luna,

My name is Ranma Saotome of the Saotome Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, and I have a BIG problem. You see, while training in China I fell in this spring and from now on whenever I'm splashed with cold water, I turn from my natural male form into a GIRL! Not I have a problem with girls mind you, I have a problem with ME being a girl.(I do have girl problems, but it would take a god to set those strait) Hot water turns me back into a male, but only until the next time I'm splashed with cold water. You've been around, do you know of anything that turn me back into a guy for good?

Getting REALLY desperate,
Ranma Saotome

Dear Ranma Saotome,
Hey, did I see you on Jerry Springer last week?  Anyway, this gender-bending sounds like a difficult dilemma.  If you can't find a way to reverse the curse (perhaps you could bribe Mumm-Ra to do it, he'd probably only ask for your soul or eternal servitude) then I advise you to start wearing gender-ambiguous clothes and date bisexual people that can accept you in either form.

luna help me my name is data and i woke on the star ship enterprise but a crewmen named hoseless whants to makelove what do i do? from data

Luna plesae girls are too wild i must pick one but all of them but them rip of mty clothes and they like mny boxer shorts. too so which girl do i pick from wileykat. PS: what Boxers do i waer when girls rip of my clothes Hearts of Tie die.?

Dear Wileykat,
Silly boy, why are you complaining about the girls ripping off your clothes? I thought that's what you wanted! At least, that's what you said last--er--nevermind! Anyway, my advice to you is to pick the one you like the most, if you must pick one. As to what boxers to wear, only men who are gay wear heart-covered boxers. Go for the tie-dye. Not only are the colors more creative and mesmerizing, but it'll hide any embarassing stains better, too.

Dear Advisors,

I am a widely known assassin on New Thundera, also tops on the wanted list. Thundera City's wanted list, anyway. Back to my point. Lion-o, and the rest of the Thundercats, are constantly following me. Not to mention the police....There's also this certain Snow Tiger who I am concerned about, mainly because she has, somehow, found out who I am, where I live, and is, or was, a Thundercat. Do I kill the brat? Or run to some other planet? Please help.

Sarino, Thunderan Assassin

Dear Sarino,
Those Thundercats are persistent felines, aren't they?  I see only one choice, you must use all the talents of your chosen profession and eliminate them all.  Even though you're a cat, if you managed to pull it off, I'd gladly offer you a job among us in Skytomb.  Moon Gods know I need some competent help!  Of course, being female, you'd be subject to the rampant sexual depravity of TugMug and Alluro (then again, knowing Alluro's preference for red-haired lion men, maybe not) but at least in Skytomb we have defenses against nosy cops.
Looking to hire a few good assassins,

Dear Sarino,
Don't bother running - I can tell you from hard experience that whenever some jerkweed (or jerkweeds) is itching to cause you trouble, *cough* like the asoe, *cough* they'll search you out and find you anyway no matter what kinds of precautionary measures you take. That said, you might want to check around and see just how much trouble this little tiger of yours is planning to cause - i.e., don't use an ax to remove a fly from your face. If she's the type that can be bought off - or better yet, warned off - you might be able to get her off your back without having to resort to the more popular measures that have gotten you in so much trouble with the cops and the 'Cats. As to those two groups, may I add the following helpful hints:

#1: Most cops can either be avoided, bought off, or bumped off. The exception to this rule is Mandora - if you're unlucky enough to draw her attention, you might consider invoking the aid of Chilla of the Lunataks. Don't ask, heh heh.

#2: Lion-O is a pathetic numbskull pretty boy who is utterly useless without a) his Sword of Omens and b) Jaga. The rest of the Thundercats (excluding those bratty kittens and the sniveling snarfs) are a pain! But, as with all smarmites, there are ways of getting around things like that. Observe:

Tygra - Two words: drug addict!

Panthro - Runs like a girly-girl upon seeing bats and spiders.

Cheetara - Quicksand

Pumyra - Never around to fight, so how do we know whether or not she has any skills?

Lynx-O - Too smart for his own good. Relies upon Braille board to "see" his way around.

Ben-Gali - Shoots first and asks questions later.

Good luck! Oh, and by the way, seeing as how you're an assassin, would you mind doing me a favor and exterminating those miserable snarfs? I really hate the little bastards, and besides, I still owe a certain "Snarf-Ra the Ever-Living" for his magic-stealing a couple of years ago!

Probably going to get into trouble for making a joke at the ASOE's expense (but not caring anyway),

Dear Luna

Help me I am Gloomela i took over Happy Castle where the King and Queen of Betwixt use to rule but i have to deal with hope and her friends she has a song bok i can't destory. and Urg My helper is not helping he is so ga ga over hope. so plesae help me luna with your help i can take betwixt thanks.

From your friend in evil

Dear Gloomela,
Before I get to your problem, I must ask, why in the name of all that's evil would a disciple of darkness want to live in a place called "Happy Castle"?  Anyhow, it sounds like your helper is pretty useless.  You should fire him and get someone who won't get googly-eyed over some bimbo that sings happy songs.  Might I suggest adopting one of Slinky Avenger's demons?  Perhaps with some competent help you can get rid of that book once and for all.

dear luna

im in the 8th grade and theres this girl i like and shes so pretty.i like her more then anything.i asked her out and she said no cause she thinks im imature.every one else thinks im sweet what could i do to get her to like me.

Dear 8th-grade-loverboy,
If you want to win the affections of this girl, stop and evaluate your behavior.  If you're consistently doing anything that could be seen as immature (having burping and/or farting contests with your friends, playing pranks on girls or pulling their hair, admitting to watching Pokémon in public, or the like) then you must immediately stop doing these things around her.  Instead, be sweet and polite, and perhaps offer her a bribe of some flowers or gifts, and tell her how pretty she looks.  You might be surprised at the results.

dera Luna This is urg the helper of Gloomela and she is not being nice to me i hear is is talking to you plesae tell me what to do me need help.

From urg

Dear Urg,
Ah yes, Gloomela told me all about you and your incompetence.  My advice to you is to stop fawning over that Hope woman.  She is the enemy, and if you want to keep your reputation as a deadly evildoer intact, you had best stop lusting after her!  Chase some little demoness to get it out of your system, and do your job!  As an evil leader, I can attest to how annoying it is to have worthless bums working for you, so do your boss a favor and be a respectable underling!
Trying to strengthen the forces of evil as always,

Hello all. I think that I need your expert advice on this one. I like this guy, but the thing is, im Evil and he is good. Major Bummer! I realy like him, but what if he rejects me? Thanks for listing!


P.S. Don't ask me why i cant fry him, its a looooooong story.

Dear Syra,
Here's a bit of advice for you.  Evil/Good romances rarely work without one changing their alliance.  See, most "good" types live by some Code of Smarm that dictates that they can't condone an evildoer's behavior, even if they love them.  We, as evil types, know that this is complete and utter bullshit, and if you like someone, you like them, unless they screw you over, in which case you nuke them.  You merely have to convince him that your way is right and his is wrong.  To accomplish this, I suggest you kidnap him and show him how much fun it is to be evil (and "naughty", if you get my drift) until he sees the evil light and falls into your loving arms.

Dear Luna,

I am hopelessly in love with Cheetara. Seeing her in her skin tight skimpy leotard makes me quiver with delight, I have dreamt of making love to her in the moonlight and kissing her soft lips and hearing her breathing on my neck. Am I totally insane? Or is there really some girl to match the charm and sex appeal of Cheetara out there?

Secondly are you free for a date?

Hopelessly in Love

Dear Hopelessly in Love,
Next to Lion-O, Cheetara is the biggest "Ho" this side of Third Earth.  Chasing her is a bad idea, and you're likely to catch something if you catch her.  (See entries above about Lion-O if you don't believe me.)  Don't even waste your time.  However, don't give up hope.  To answer your second question, yes, I am free... when should I expect your call?
P.S.- You are good looking, right?

My problem is that I'm one of those "sweetheart" types of girls that never does anything mean to anybody. But people take advantage of my sweet personality and push me around. For example, I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I got in the fast lane with a load of stuff. There's nothing wrong with that considering that the store wasn't busy anyway. Yet this guy comes up behind me and says " I thought this was the fast lane. Oh, trouble reading." Okay I really wanted to twist the jerk's head off, but my gentle personality stepped in once again and prevented me from expressing my true villainous self. I'm really sick and tired of people pushing me around and talking down to me. How do I drop the girlie crap and show people what a villainess I really am?


Dear Raevin,
While the girlie crap is indeed unbecoming of an evildoer, there is a way you can use it to your advantage.  Good guys and idiotic saps generally are suckers for sweet and innocent faces.  The next time some idiot makes a remark to you, simply turn around and nail the bastard in the gut with a knife with a big smile on your face and say, "Ooops.  Trouble aiming."  Remember, my dear, they never suspect the quiet ones.

Dear Advice Columnists,

I am a really pissed off werewolf who has to put up with a wolf-hating boss that nags about shedding or howling and a pissy landlord that is kicking me out for not paying enough rent for similiar reasons. I am tempted to kill them and eat their flesh to dispose of the evidence but human flesh tastes rather nasty to me so that's out. Any suggestions on torturious methods of killing others that leaves no evidence?

Howling at the moon pies when nobody is looking,
Lunir Skies

Dear Lunir Skies,
Since devouring them is distasteful to you, I suggest you rid yourself of them in another appropriate manner.  They indicated that they don't like the mess your shedding makes, so why not strangle them slowly and painfully with a vacuum cleaner hose in a show of irony?  Or, since they don't like your howling, perhaps you could show them true horrid noise by tying earphones on their head and blasting "Hot Rocket Baby- The Disco Remix" at full volume for a few hours before disemboweling them to finish them off?  As for disposing of the bodies, go outside and dig a big hole and bury them.  You're a wolf, so digging and burying should come naturally to you.  As a bonus, you can even do it at night under the light of a beautiful full moon.

Dear Luna:

I, well, uh, this freind of mine, she's having trouble with guys. She's the only female mutant on third earth, and things at Castle Plundarr are getting a little to uncomfortable for her...hooting and hollering when she picks up things she's dropped, lewd passes, and that damn Slythe thinks he's God's gift to reptillians! Well, uh, that's what she told me anyway. She's pretty fed up, but just doesn't know what to do! What should I tell her?

Muddled Mutant

Dear Muddled Mutant,
Oh, the poor thing, actually having to live in Castle Plundarr.  If she wasn't a mutant, I'd actually feel sorry for you- er- her.  Then again, she is a female, which instantly grants her 1000000 times more brains than the male mutants I know, so perhaps she's not so bad after all.  At any rate, it's encouraging to see that she won't give that disgusting Slythe the time of day.  Neither him nor his underlings should ever get laid, lest they actually manage to reproduce and create more of them.  As to what she should do, the best thing would be to get out of Castle Plundarr once and for all and get her own place.  Perhaps if she distances herself from the rampant slovenliness and idiocy of the other mutants, she might escape guilt by association and find a better class of company to keep.  However, if this is not a possibility, she should arm herself with plenty of weapons and show those chauvanistic Plundarrians she means business when they get out of line.

Dying for more? Check out the Advice Archives of all advice from issues past!

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