That Good "Old" Lovin'
<The set is dark. Suddenly, a single spotlight illuminates the stage. Lady Bast stumbles out on stage. She seems to be having trouble walking. As she approaches the mic, it is apparent that she's trying to keep from laughing.>
Lady Bast: Huh...huh...hi, everybody! ::giggle:: Today's puh...presentation is from a guh...guy that's so lame, he makes the candidates ::hee hee hee:: from our last episodes look puh...positively NUH...NORMAL!
I...I can't even talk about it! <stops to laugh madly for a moment, tears are streaming down her face> Needless to say we have a line-up of MSTers ready to take this one on!
So, without fuh..further ado, let us bring out the... (dramatic pause) WHEEL OF MSTING!
<Lady Bast steps aside with a flourish and the curtains part to reveal the glittering wheel. Bast grabs one of the pegs and gives it a hearty spin.>
Lady Bast: Whuh...wheel of MSTing...spin, spin, spin! Tell us whose commentary we will win! And the winner is...
AUUUUUUUGH!
<The wheel explodes in a shower of sparks and a horde of shrieking, whooping demons appear in a blast of smoke!>
Lady Bast: <no longer laughing> ACK! What are you all doing here! I'm only supposed to have two guests! The Execs will kill me!
Sekhmet: <In a black and gold jumpsuit> In house booze party!
Wilykit: <In tight breeches and a low-cut shirt> Yeah! We're on a god/character exchange! After all, we Thundercat Characters are being maligned!
Seth: <In jeans and a red t-shirt> And we gods are some of the oldest things around.
Alluro: <In breeches and vest> Besides, Bast, it will be fun! You know you want to let us stay...
Lady Bast: <regarding Wilykit> Is she even old enough to be here?
Wilykat: <In thieves' uniform> We are if we're from the Sirestis Continuum...
Hathor: <In jeans and a tank top> Isn't he the CUTEST?
Horus: <In gym shorts and a basketball jersey> I thought I was the cutest!
Lady Bast: <Glancing back and forth between Horus and Seth> I'm not going to have to separate you two am, I?
<Horus and Seth look at each other warily for a moment>
Seth: Mellow comes after one more beer...
Sekhmet: <lobs can> CATCH!
Chilla: <breathing icily, in a short dress> Pass one here, sisssster!
Cheezey: Hey, Bast!
Lady Bast: What are you doing here? What are THEY doing here?
Cheezey: SOMEBODY GET ME A MUDSLIDE! We're on a inter-dimensional dating exchange...Horus is with Wilykit, Hathor took Wilykat - Seth's with Chilla...and possibly Sekhmet as well, she's on bar duty. I'm with Alluro because none of the other female gods were up to...oh, who am I kidding? I locked them in a cellar so I could come with him...
Lady Bast: <muttering> What about me? I'm a female? Woulda cut down on bodies...this is a small theatre!
Cheezey: Oh, you HAVE a date!
Mumm-ra: <In warrior form> Did I miss anything? When 's the barbeque?
Lady Bast: ARRRRRRRRRRGH! We are never going to fit everyone in here!
Seth: That's what laps were made for! <makes to nibble Chilla on the neck>
Lady Bast: Okay, okay! Well this intro is already longer than the flame, so let's get started!
Alluro: Let the humiliations begin!
Lady Bast: Hey! That's MY line!
Sekhmet: <serving drinks> Shhh...the movie's starting...
From: Gillian Draeving <gdraeving@yahoo.com>
All: BOOOOOOOOOO! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Bast: Nothing's happened yet!
Sekhmet: Sure it has! We've been drinking since early afternoon!
Subject: Hi BITCH
Cheezey: <On Alluro's lap as they're out of seats> BOOOOO! HISSSS!
Alluro: You know, you have a great wiggle when you catcall...
Seth: <from somewhere around Chilla's ear> Hear hear!
To: Cheeezey@aol.com
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
Wilykit: Geez! Why don't these people leave Cheezey alone and flame someone who really deserves it?
Horus: Yeah!
Hathor: I mean there are a lot of more deserving candidates aren't there?
Horus: Yeah!
Wilykat: You have a serious inbreeding problem, don't you?
Horus: What? Just 'cause my parents were twins?
<Wilykit and Wilykat shudder>
Mumm-ra: I vote we call the Ancient Spirits of Evil down upon this dumbass!
Seth: Cut out the middleman...I already found his webpage...
Mumm-ra: <Feeling useless and irritable> GIMME A BEER!
Hi you fucking bitch,
Seth and Alluro: <Looking at Cheezey> Sounds promising.
Cheezey: Move your hand any further south and die...
I decided to take you up on your offer about flaming you.
Mumm-ra: Good! After living this long I could use some free entertainment...
Egyptian Gods: Amen.
First of all I would LOVE to say that most of your flamers are stupid idiots that have no life.
Lady Bast: I sense that this means he is going to try to separate himself from the other flamers...just like the other flamers.
Wilykit: And that he will claim that these are all his own ideas and that he doesn't have time to waste on such pages even though he took the time to read other peoples' FLAMES....just like the other flamers.
Wilykat: Don't forget the classic: "Thundercats suck! Why do you have a Thundercat page?" when he has no explanation for why - if he HATES us so much - he bothered to read us at all...just like the other flamers.
This makes me close to one of those idiots.
Hathor: Closer than you know dear. Cheers! <Raises glass>
Horus: At least he's man enough to admit it! I still think we should track him down and...
Seth: Shut-up and have another beer, Squirt.
The only different s is that I know grammar and the other flamers must have not passed first grade English.
Bast: Okay, one bonus point for that...although his "different s" implies that he doesn't exactly reread...
Chilla: Give him a break, hussssy...like you're perfect.
Sekhmet: Hee hee hee...got you there!
Bast: <To Mumm-ra> You're my date! Are you going to let them treat me that way?
Mumm-ra: Depends...you putting out?
OK now I have said that I will tell you that Thundercats are old
Seth: But I'm older and I'm still around...
Horus: Me too!
Seth: Help us all...
Hathor: Yep...we just keep comin' back. Take "Stargate" for instance!
and you really should let sleeping dogs lye (in this case Cats).
Wilykit: Lye? isn't that a soap?
Wilykat: He needs a lye detector test...
Alluro: You WILL learn to tell the difference between "lyes"...
Cheezey: <singing> "You can't hide your lyin' eyes..."
Sekhmet: That's it! No more drinks for any of you!
If you are going to make a page worth while
Hathor: Okay, boys and girls, worth while what?
Bast: While you wait!
Wilykat: While away the time!
Wilykit: While you wish you were somewhere else!
Mumm-ra: While you conquer Third Earth!
Seth: Damn! That one pretty much covers it...
Chilla: <snorts> So we'll hole up in Darkside and play Candyland...
Cheezey: That stupid kid's game?
Alluro: Not if you're naked. And you know you WANT to play...in fact, you can't wait...
PLEASE do something up to date!
Cheezey: <huffily> I ALWAYS update with something good! I have WONDERFUL updates! Just wait until you see me update my page with your lame flame, asshole!
Alluro: And you WILL come back to read it. And you WILL flame her again...
Cheezey: How could you wish such a thing on me? I thought you LIKED me!
Alluro: Yeah, but you talk dirty when you're pissed off...
Like my Web page of the Simpsons.
Bast: Unlike Cheezey, I was stupid enough to go there...
Seth: Unlike you, I was smart enough to get there FIRST, heh heh heh...
Hathor: <hiccoughs> It's a piece of TRAAAAAAAAAASH!
Wilykat: <To Wilykit> Yeah, I think I might score tonight...
Wilykit: <Looks sideways at Horus who's snapping his gum> I kinda hope I don't...
If you really want to see a nice site, I will give you the URL for it.
All: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
That page is worth seeing
Alluro: You WILL give up on how good your page is...we have seen your page and it...
Sekhmet: sucks <bleep, bleepity bleep>!
Seth: <wonderingly> I didn't know any women KNEW those words!
and as for your site it should be blown of the face of the earth.
Bast: As in "it's a little slice of heaven compared to this putz's site."
Wilykat: If Cheezey's site is blown off the earth, does this mean it's star quality?
Cheezey: Another bad pun like that, kid, and I'm going to bore you a new asshole with a roto-rooter...
I think that people should let old things die out.
Mumm-ra: Oh, I have a few things to say about THAT, my soon to be tarred and feathered friend...drop by my pyramid sometime and we'll "discuss" it...
Sekhmet: Ooooh...Mumm-ra, you are soooo bad! That just turns me on!
Seth: Hey!
Sekhmet: Oh, you have a chilly pretty...let me have some fun!
Bast: <hissing> Get your own date, sister!
Alluro: You can tend MY bar...
Cheezey: Hey!
Alluro: You've always wanted a ménage-à-trois...you know you have...
Cheezey: Can it, buster, I know those tricks...
There is one thing I have to give you credit for was to making fools out of those other baboons.
Seth: Next at bat: Gillian Draeving! Or the person using Gillian's mailing address!
Hathor: Hey, batterbatterbatter...
Bast: Strike one!
Chilla: Freeze, you bastard! Hey, batter! Can't hit an ice ball on the top of a snowman...
Cheezey: Strike two!
Horus: Why are we doing this?
Alluro: <To Horus> Don't strain your brain or anything, kid. <To flamer> You WILL miss that ball...you can't help it! You suck! My grandmother can do better! You know you can't resist missing it...
Mumm-ra: STRIKE THREE! YEEEEEEEER OUTTA THERE!
Seth: Sad really...they come in as flamers and leave as baboons...
The only question is how are you going to make me look like a baboon.
Bast: He loves that word "baboon."
Cheezey: Well, he heard it on the Simpsons...
The reason I went to your page was a friend of my recommended to me.
Bast: Was that Jarrod? Doesn't HE have a Thundercat page?
Mumm-ra: Jarrod has good taste...
I basically told him to go to hell, after making me look at such a stupid page.
Seth: Alright! Keg party at my place! Jarrod's invited!
Wilykat: You live in HELL?
Seth: Well, I've been told to do there so many times that I finally got a good deal in real estate...
I advice you to change your page to something cool.
Cheezey: What's with people constantly "advicing" me?
Chilla: And who is HE to say what's cool? He has not SEEN cool...
Like say the Simpsons, Power Rangers, or something from the 90's.
Bast: ARRRRRRRGH! He said the "PR" word! Not that I have anything against the Rangers, but quite frankly, I don't care about them either...
Sekhmet: Not to mention that they are a really old show from Japan that has been choppily cut up and re-edited for the American public...
Mumm-ra: Obviously this worm has not lived long enough or he would know that the Simpsons began in the '80s!
Cheezey: Yes! And I think they're hilarious! But why would I want to make a page about them when there are so MANY pages about them?
Wilykit: And some of them are even good!
All: Hear! Hear! <sounds of chugging>
Here is my Page:
http://members.tripod.com/~HalloweenH20/index.html
Horus: <rubs hands evilly> Now the fun begins...
Wilykit: <To general gathering> He really shouldn't be allowed to drink, should he?
Seth: Not even water...
Mumm-ra: Ah yes...now for what I have discovered about his "cool" webpage. My evil cohorts, it is time to read the guestbook entries!
Wilykat: Ahem... "NONE OF THE STUFF ON YOUR PAGE WORK SO YOU SUCK! YOU SHOULD FIX IT BEFORE YOU SAY YOU HAVE UPDATED IT!!"
Bast: I saw that page...I wasn't aware that there was anything to update!
Chilla: "I would just like to say that I love this page. I love how you never update and all the broken links you have. I hope to be making a simpsons webpage that is never updated and has all broken links."
Sekhmet: How about this one? "I think some of your links are broken because when I try them they DON"T WORK!!!!!! I hope to see more updates soon. BY THE WAY WATZ UP WITH HALLOWEENH20 I THOUGHT THIS WAS A SIMPSONS PAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
Seth: A little exclamation mark heavy there, don't you think?
Cheezey: Who cares? It makes the point...pass me another Killian!"
Ps. I will not flame you again.
All: WOO HOO!
Cheezey: Our salute to the Simpsons...
I do not have time to make a fool out of you any longer.
ALL: WOO HOO!
Bast: <sloshing beer> Good! We were tired of making a fool of you back!
Hathor: 'Zat grammatercly sound?
Sekhmet: Affer 14 beers, anytin's grammatercly sound...
I took your challenge.
Seth: An' we sunk it!
All: Beer! Beer!
Know my Challenge for you is to try to make me look like a fool.
Mumm-ra: Oh, we know...we know...
Horus: An' s'easy...
Wilykit: And he should know...
Yours truly
Bast: LIES! ALL LIES!
Cheezey: Okay, who slipped the pills into the cat's drink?
Wilykat: Down in front!
A flamer and a big Simpsons fan.
Mumm-ra: But not enough of a fan to know that the majority of Simpson humour is based on "old," "outdated" movies...like "Vertigo" and books like "Make Room! Make Room!"
Seth: SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE!
All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Bast: Well...on tha' joyous note, we gotta go 'til next time...
Wilykit: Aw shit! Who puked on the floor?
Sekhmet: Staff'll clean it..I jes' get paid to BRING the booze...
Bast: Until NEXT time...we wish you all a good night!
Mumm-ra: PUB CRAWL!
All: WOO HOO!
Chilla: <about Horus> I don't think that kid's going to make it....
Alluro: Oh, he'll come...he WANTS to come...
Horus: ...yerg...
Cheezey: Last one to the parking lot has to clean up the vomit...
All: <Running for the Exits> GAH!
<Curtain drops on ensuing carnage as the pressing bodies rush to the parking lot, and the room goes dark.>