Disclaimer: The events that the characters are portrayed in are purely fictitious. I’m not getting paid for this, so it’s all in good fun! The results of the fights came from a Thundercats chatroom that I polled a vote in.
Note: I used some actual CDM scenes within this story. See if you can point them out! :)
Battle Arena TBS
A silly Celebrity Deathmatch and WTS amalgam
Written by Chase Gainsborough
(Shark17676@aol.com)
__
[Fade in]
TYGRA: What do you get when you add two sets of quarreling alternative lifestyle lovers, a couple of flamers, and a team of really ticked off writers?
LUNA: Devastation! Gore! Mayhem! Destruction! Who will survive?
TYGRA: That’s right! This must be . . .
THE THUNDERA BATTLE SQUARE!
[Camera pans around the ring and a cheering crowd of Third Earthlings and Thundarians]
[Fade to announcer’s booth]
__
TYGRA: Welcome to another exciting episode of TBS. I’m Tygra of the Thundercats.
LUNA: And I’m Luna of the almighty Lunatacs!
TYGRA: Hang on to your seats, because we’ve got an amazing show of pure violence for you folks as disgruntled celebrities battle it out to the death! Who are our victims for tonight’s escapades, Luna?
LUNA: First off, we have that redhead Thunderslut you call Lion-O against my own darling Alluro. Then another one of my team, Chilla, will duke it out with that interstellar bimbo Mandora. And finally, for the main event, five of the most prolific Weird Stories authors will be pitted against a team of Earth’s most annoying flamers in an all out Battle Royale! It could possibly be a match that will go down in history.
TYGRA: Yes, Luna, I can hardly wait for it myself. Before we begin our first match up, let’s go down to Wilykit for an interview with one of our audience members.
[Cut to Wilykit]
__
WILYKIT: Hey, everyone! This is Wilykit standing just outside the TBS arena. I am here with Kith, one of our loyal fans.
KITH: Glad to be here, Ms. Kit.
WILYKIT: So tell me, Kith, what do you think of tonight’s battles?
KITH: To tell you the truth, Kit, these matches couldn’t be more even. From what I can tell, all of the competitors possess great power and are out for blood.
WILYKIT: You told me earlier that you were especially "overjoyed" by our main event. Can you elaborate on that?
KITH: Well, those flamers have been plaguing the WTS Authors for as long as I can remember. It’s about time that they be taught a lesson in manners.
WILYKIT: Yes, and I’m sure that many agree with you on that one, Kith. Thank you for being on the show.
KITH: No, thank YOU.
WILYKIT: This is Wilykit signing off. Back to you!
[Cut to announcer’s booth]
__
TYGRA: Thanks Wilykit and Kith. Let’s go down to the ring where our special guest star Lady Bast will sing our Nation Anthem and get things rolling
LUNA: I sure hope she sings it fast, because the song sucks.
TYGRA: Luna, don’t you know that song represents the hardships and struggle of Thundera?
LUNA: Of course I know. I’m evil. Remember?
[Cut to ring]
__
The lights fade to black and a spotlight shines down on the lovely Lady Bast, who is standing in the middle of the ring. She holds a microphone to her lips.
The crowd goes quiet and stands up as it is spoken, "Ladies and Gentlemen: Please rise for our National Anthem sung by Lady Bast."
Lady Bast clears her throat, then promptly begins to sing, "OH, say can you see? By the Dawn’s early light! For so PROUDLY we . . ."
Suddenly, a mysterious voice calls out from within the audience, which startles everyone, "STOP THE MUSIC!"
"What the HELL?" Exclaims Lady Bast.
Without warning, TugMug bounds out of the crowd and leaps into the ring as the lights flicker back on. Everyone is stunned.
TYGRA: What in the world?
LUNA: That’s TugMug!
TYGRA: What is he up to?
"I’m sick of this song!" TugMug proclaims. "It’s so goody and patriotic it makes me SICK!"
Lady Bast is apparently not pleased with the way TugMug just interrupted her. "Hmph, well poo poo all over you. I like it, and I’m gonna sing it!" She then sticks her tongue out at TugMug as she continues to sing, "And the lava’s flowing red pace! The planet bursting in space! Gave proof through the. . . ARRGH!"
All of a sudden, TugMug punches Lady Bast in the face, who falls to the canvas.
TYGRA: Oh my goodness! TugMug has just assaulted Lady Bast!
LUNA: That’s it Tuggy! Show her what the Lunatacs can do!
TYGRA: Lady Bast doesn’t seem to be moving. TugMug is moving toward the top ropes! Oh, this is bad!
TugMug climbs the turnbuckle and laughs, "Ha ha ha! You’re a pancake, Bast!"
LUNA: TugMug jumps and . . .
Lady Bast rolls out of the way and TugMug lands flat on his face.
TYGRA: I don’t believe it! Lady Bast was playing possum all along!
"Let’s rumble you fat piece of crap!" Lady Bast eggs on the fight as TugMug gets up.
"As you wish, kitty," he says before lashing out again.
LUNA: TugMug lunges at Lady Bast. He’s got her in a headlock!
Lady Bast growls and elbows TugMug in the gut, then twists his arm behind his back. "How about a singing lesson, TugMug?" She yells in his ear as she reaches for the microphone.
TYGRA: Lady Bast turns the tables!
LUNA: Wait, what’s she doing with that microphone?
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Screams TugMug as Lady Bast shoves the microphone into a rather uncomfortable spot. Screeching feedback echoes throughout the arena, causing the audience to moan and cover their ears.
TYGRA: Ouch. TugMug’s not going to be sitting down anytime soon.
"It’s time to kick this bitch!" Bast says. TugMug is then sent rolling into a corner with a swift kick, which further entangles him in the microphone’s cord.
LUNA: TugMug, get your fat metal ass up!
Lady Bast walks to the now incapacitated TugMug and hooks her claws into his flank, drawing blood.
"Arrggh! No, NO!" TugMug pleads.
"Yes, YES! Mwha ha ha ha ha!" With a quick motion, Lady Bast skins him. Bloody gore splatters all over the ring. Bast lifts the dripping skin up into the air for the whole world to see as she ends the song, "For the planet of the FREE, and the home of the Thundarians!"
The audience cheers loudly and Lady Bast takes a bow.
TYGRA: Good lord! Did you see that?
LUNA: Pathetic. It’s just so pathetic.
TYGRA: Well, I guess Lady Bast is the winner of this one. Let’s see the instant replay!
[Roll replay of TugMug punching Lady Bast]
LUNA: TugMug started off nicely.
[Roll replay of TugMug off the top rope]
LUNA: But then he gets stupid.
[Roll replay of the microphone incident]
TYGRA: And Lady Bast takes full advantage of that stupidity and gives TugMug an anal lesson in pain. Who knew a microphone could do that?
[Roll replay of Lady Bast skinning TugMug]
TYGRA: And there we have it. Wow, so much action and we haven’t even officially started yet!
LUNA: I just hope Alluro does a better job than TugMug in the next bout.
[Cut back to the ring]
__
TYGRA: The leading scheduled fight involves our first pair of bickering homosexual lovers: the mind-bending Lunatac named Alluro and the mighty Thundercat Lord Lion-O!
LUNA: Mighty? Hah! Maybe he was, once, but now he’s nothing more than a two-bit slut bent on seducing my Alluro.
An announcer’s voice booms over the intercom, "In the red corner, weighing 180 pounds, the Lord of the Thundercats, Lion-O!"
Crowd cheers.
"And in the blue corner, weighing 160 pounds, the master of the mind, Alluro of the Lunatacs!"
Crowd boos.
Lion-O and Alluro are in the ring with referee Panthro standing between them.
"All right you pansies, you know the rules," Panthro begins.
"Did you just call ME, the Lord of the Thundercats, a pansy, Panthro?" Lion-O exclaims, shocked.
"Yes I did, pansy," Panthro stands his ground, "You might be my leader at any other time, but in this ring, I am KING! Now, I don’t want to have anything more out of the either of you; just a good clean fight." Panthro then signals for the match to begin, "LET’S GET IT ON!"
Alluro crouches down in a fighting stance and glares at Lion-O, licking his lips. "You ready to get physical, ‘sweetheart’?"
Lion-O growls and draws the Sword of Omens. "More than you know, Al."
LUNA: Lion-O goes for the sword! Be careful, Alluro!
TYGRA: Hey, leave the support to the audience members, Luna!
"Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats HOOOOOO!" Lion-O’s sword powers up and Tygra’s eyes glow. Tygra stands up in the announcer’s booth.
TYGRA: GO Lion-O!
LUNA: Oh, sit down and stop making a damn fool of yourself, Stripes!
Lion-O rushes at Alluro, swings at him, and misses. Alluro counters with an elbow to Lion-O’s stomach.
LUNA: Strike one!
Lion-O regroups and attacks with his sword again. Alluro flips backward and kicks Lion-O right between the eyes.
LUNA: Strike two!
"I’ll get you this time!" Pouts Lion-O as he points the tip of his blade at the Lunatac and shoots a blue laser beam. "HOOOO!"
Alluro quickly drops to the canvas, avoiding the beam, then swings his legs and trips up Lion-O. The Sword of Omens flies out into the crowd and decapitates Xahji. His disembodied head then falls into the lap of a screaming Willa.
LUNA: Strike three, you’re out Lion-Ho!
"No fair, no fair, no FAIR!" Lion-O whines. "I’ll get you yet, Al!" The Thundercat then lunges at Alluro and tackles him to the ground. He begins to smack Alluro over and over.
TYGRA: Lion-O has Alluro pinned to the ground! He’s slapping him silly!
LUNA: Alluro better get his ass in gear, or I’m gonna give RedEye the key to his room!
Upon hearing this, Alluro screams and boots Lion-O off of him. Alluro then jumps on top of Lion-O and begins to punch him in the face. However, Lion-O brings his feet up and wraps his muscular legs around Alluro’s neck. The Lunatac is then flipped over and slammed headfirst into the canvas.
Both competitors get to their feet. Lion-O leaps up into the air and throws a mean drop kick at his opponent. Unfortunately for him, Alluro foresees the attack and grabs Lion-O’s ankles in midair. He spins Lion-O around and then lets go. The Thundercat Lord crashes into a corner turnbuckle, bounces off, and skids across the canvas on his face back toward Alluro. His body rams into the Lunatac and they both topple over.
Alluro groans in pain as he picks himself up, "It’s time to end this little game."
TYGRA: Alluro is reaching for his Psyche Club!
"Yah!" Alluro swings the club down at Lion-O, but he rolls out of the way just in time and leaps to his feet.
"Sword of Omens, come to my hand!" Lion-O commands.
LUNA: No! Lion-O has his sword again!
Lion-O and Alluro rush at each other, sword and club ready.
TYGRA: My gosh, and the competitors clash! It’s the Sword of Omens versus the Psyche Club!
The two fighting gay lovers lock weapons, testing each other’s strength.
"Give up, Alluro! You know I can beat you!"
"I beg to differ, Lion-O!" Alluro delivers a knee strike to Lion-O’s groin and he goes down like a ton of bricks. The Sword of Omens is lost once again.
"I can be cheap like that, too!" Lion-O squeaks as his fist comes up hard right between Alluro’s legs. Alluro grabs himself and the Psyche Club bounces away.
LUNA: It looks like they’re both are down for the count! Dammit, Alluro, you should have seen that one coming!
TYGRA: No, look! The fighters are now struggling to get a hold of their weapons!
Despite the pain, Lion-O and Alluro stagger toward their respective weapons in a race to see who can get theirs first.
LUNA: Alluro’s almost to the club!
TYGRA: No, Lion-O reaches . . . he’s almost got his sword back.
LUNA: And Alluro, no . . . wait! Lion-O has . . . but Alluro’s almost . . . oh my!
FINAL VOTE:
Lion-O: 10
Alluro: 12
TYGRA: No way! This can’t be!
LUNA: Ha ha ha! It’s all over folks!
Alluro is standing over Lion-O with a glowing Psyche Club in his hands. "On your hands and knees, Lion-Ho, NOW!"
Lion-O has no choice but to do as Alluro says. Alluro grins wickedly and begins to unzip his pants. "You’re mine forever!"
Cringing at the perverted sight, Panthro awards Alluro with the win from ringside. Many of the audience members are throwing up all over each other.
TYGRA: Uh oh, it looks like the clean up crew is going to have to buy bigger mops.
LUNA: Dammit! There goes all my hopes of Alluro dumping that slutty lioness.
TYGRA: Well, for the record, let’s view the Instant Replay.
[Roll replay of Lion-O powering up the Sword of Omens]
LUNA: Here we see Lion-O readying his sword, no doubt that other "sword" of his was powering up as well.
TYGRA: He was expecting an easy win, but boy was he in for a surprise . . .
[Roll replays of Alluro elbowing and flip-kicking Lion-O]
LUNA: Alluro was just pounding away at Lion-O in the first half.
[Roll replay of Lion-O slapping Alluro]
TYGRA: Then Lion-O strikes back, sort of . . .
[Roll replay of Lion-O being spun, thrown into a corner and skidding on his face]
LUNA: . . . but it was just a minor setback. Alluro continued to thrash that ho.
[Roll replay of Lion-O crashing into Alluro]
TYGRA: However, Alluro’s anti-drop kick attack backfires and Lion-O makes an accidental save!
[Roll replays of both competitors getting their balls knocked off and losing their weapons]
LUNA: It then boiled down to a mad search for lost weapons . . .
[Roll replay of Alluro snatching up his weapon and putting Lion-O in a trance]
TYGRA: . . . which Alluro won, ending the match in some n/c action.
LUNA: Next, we have another love match between two feisty lesbians, one of which, I’m embarrassed to say, is another Lunatac.
TYGRA: And following that escapade will be our main event: the WTS Authors versus the Lamer Flamers, right after this commercial message . . .
[Cut to commercial]
__
VOICE: The Thundera Battle Square is sponsored in part by: Flasherwear, when life is on the moon.
[Commercial: Flasherwear]
Jackalman is standing over Pumyra, a mace raised over his head, about to deliver the finishing blow to his opponent.
"Nya ha ha," Jackalman cackles, "I’ve beaten you, Thundercat, now you’re finished!"
Without warning, a strong breeze rips off Jackalman’s loincloth. A black sensor bar quickly blips in to shield his midsection to the audience.
"Nyha? What’s that draft I feel?" Jackalman asks no one in particular.
Pumyra’s terror-stricken face contorts into a huge smile as she rolls over, laughing uncontrollably.
Jackalman, suddenly aware of the situation, turns beet red and runs away with his tail between his legs. Pumyra is still incapacitated with laughter.
SPOKESMAN: Don’t let this happen to you. Buy Flasherwear now, before you’re exposed!
[Cut back to the show]
__
TYGRA: Welcome back! My, have we had an exciting evening, and the best is yet to come!
LUNA: If you’re just joining us, here’s what you missed:
[Roll clip of TugMug vs. Lady Bast]
TYGRA: During Lady Bast’s ritual singing of our national anthem, we had an unexpected visit from TugMug, who apparently had enough of the chauvinistic aria and decided to take matters into his own hands.
LUNA: Hmph, I’m glad SOMEONE did . . .
TYGRA: But apparently TugMug had no idea who he was up against and paid a heavy price.
[Roll clip of Lion-O vs. Alluro]
LUNA: On a brighter note, during our first escapade, Alluro kicked Lion-O’s ass . . .
TYGRA: And then did something ELSE to it.
Both Tygra and Luna shudder.
TYGRA: Now, our next match pits two lovely lesbians together in a duel to the death.
LUNA: Apparently, Officer Mandora caught my Chilla cheating on her with old man Lynx-O, and now she wants retribution.
TYGRA: And what better place to settle a situation like that than the Thundera Battle Square?
[Cut to ring]
The announcer’s voice broadcasts over the intercom again, "In the red corner, weighing 120 pounds, Officer Mandora, evil chaser!"
The crowd lets out a huge, simultaneous boo, for Mandora has arrested all of them at one point or another for the most miniscule misdemeanors. Mandora flips the audience off.
"And in the blue corner, weighing 110 pounds, from the ice moon of Plundarr, Chilla the Lunatac!"
Crowd cheers, all hoping she will kick Mandora’s ass.
Chilla and Mandora are glaring at each other from opposite corners.
"You frosty slut!" Mandora shouts at her former icy lover. "How dare you cheat on me after all we’ve been through, especially with an old MAN!"
"Lynx-O gives it better to me than you could ever dream." Chilla hisses back. "You’re just a jealous cop bitch."
"I’ll have your ass hauled in after I kick it!" Mandora starts toward Chilla, but Panthro stops her.
"Save your energy, girls. I’ll start the match and you’ll get your chance to rip each other apart." Panthro says, "Now ladies, I assume you know the rules, so I want a good catfight. Now, LET’S GET IT ON!"
Immediately after Panthro initiates the match, Mandora hurls herself at Chilla.
TYGRA: And there they go! Mandora has Chilla in a chokehold.
Chilla grabs the arm around her neck and sends Mandora to the canvas with a shoulder toss.
LUNA: Chilla breaks free!
Mandora gets up. Chilla is upon her, "I’m about to put you on ice, Officer whore!" Chilla punches Mandora several times, then grabs her ponytail and slams the officer’s face into her knee.
TYGRA: Nice one! Mandora’s spitting up teeth!
Mandora wipes the blood from her mouth, which is now filled with dark gaps. The officer lets out a shrill scream of fury as she throws a mighty backfist into the side of Chilla’s head. As the ice woman staggers backward, Mandora follows up with a brutal kick to the chest. Chilla falls flat on her butt as Mandora continues to kick her.
LUNA: Come on, Chilla! Don’t let that bitch cop beat you!
Chilla rolls away from Mandora and painfully picks herself up. Mandora goes for a roundhouse bitch slap. However, the Lunatac female ducks and counters with a punch to the rips. The intergalactic cop goes down on one knee as Chilla executes a devastating spinning heel kick to the small of Mandora’s back.
TYGRA: It looks like Chilla has Mandora down . . . no, wait! Mandora pulls out a weapon!
Mandora swings her boomerang low and draws a long cut across Chilla’s left leg. The Lunatac screams her frustrations as she clutches the bleeding wound. Mandora takes action and begins to beat her former lover over the head with the projectile weapon.
LUNA: Ohhh, must my WHOLE team be so incompetent?
TYGRA: Chilla’s taking a serious beating. This fight is just about over, folks . . .
FINAL VOTE:
Mandora: 9
Chilla: 14
TYGRA: Unbelievable! Chilla comes out of nowhere and freezes Mandora solid!
"Bye-bye, honey!" Chilla smirks as she kicks the frozen Mandora, shattering her into thousands of gummy fragments.
Panthro enters the ring and holds Chilla’s hand up, "And Chilla is the winner!"
Chilla looks down at the canvas and spots one of Mandora’s ice-encrusted eyeballs. She then raises her foot and squashes it under her boot, "Tough luck, bitch."
LUNA: Let’s see the replay of that glorious victory!
[Roll replay of Chilla bashing Mandora’s face on her knee]
TYGRA: Chilla really starts this one off with a bang.
[Roll replay of Mandora kicking Chilla on the ground]
LUNA: Mandora had a few tricks of her own, but it wasn’t anything my Chilla couldn’t handle.
[Roll replay of Chilla’s spinning hook kick]
TYGRA: Apparently so. Chilla struck back hard.
[Roll replay of Mandora beating Chilla with her boomerang]
LUNA: And just when it seemed like that blond whore got the best of her . . .
[Roll replay of Chilla freezing and shattering Mandora]
TYGRA: . . . Chilla iced her arse. I guess revenge IS a dish best served cold.
LUNA: Stay tuned, for next up is our main event!
[Cut to commercial break]
__
SPOKESMAN: Promotional consideration paid for by YDKJ.
[Commercial 1: Chocolate Dingle Berries]
The scene is a kitchen with Wilykat sitting at the table, picking at his breakfast.
Cougara casually strolls in like it’s his house and looks over Wilykat’s shoulder, "Hey, whatcha eattin there, kid?"
"Oh, just something Snarf made for me. It’s supposed to be good for you," The Thundercat child answers.
Cougara takes a big sniff of the food’s aroma, "Yuck! Smells like crap!" Cougara whips out a cereal box, "Here, try some of these!" He then pours the box’s contents into a bowl.
Wilykat takes a big mouthful, "Mmmm, it tastes so yummy!"
"It should, for it’s the brand spanking new Chocolate Dingle Berries. It has a great new raw meat flavor and still turns the milk green!"
Wilykat suddenly convulses and falls over.
[Commercial 2: Porn Hotline]
FEMALE SEXY VOICE: Hi, my name is Tabby, and I have a wart on my booty. I know you want to touch it; run your paws along its hairy surface. Ohh, I wish you were here rubbing salve on it right now. And if you’re very, very good, I’ll let you massage ointment into my other moles and boils. Ahh, I’m passing gas just thinking about it. So call me, they’re throbbing!
PIMP VOICE: Yo, foo, call 1-900-WART! Twenty dollars per minute!
[Commercial 3: Preview of newest Assemblage of Five episode]
SPOKESMAN: On the next episode of Assemblage of Five . . .
"Will you make mad love to me, Diller?"
"No."
She slaps him, "Bastard! I’m suing you for sexual harassment!"
SPOKESMAN: All this on the next Assemblage of Five.
[Cut back to show]
__
TYGRA: Welcome back folks. If you’re just tuning in, here’s what you missed:
[Roll mixed clips of all previous fights]
LUNA: Now it’s the moment you have all been waiting for!
TYGRA: That’s right, it’s our main escapade event! Let’s go to the ring where we join Mumm-Ra and Panthro.
[Cut to ring]
Mumm-Ra laughs devilishly as he levitates down into the ring. "It’s time for the main event!" He booms. "Are you READY, suckers?"
The audience cheers wildly.
"Mwhaha! I said, ARE YOU READY?"
The audience screams even louder.
"All right then!" Mumm-Ra waits as the first team makes their way into the ring. "In the red corner, weighing a total of 615 pounds, the WTS Authors!"
The audience’s acclamation is overwhelming.
"This team consists of some of the most talented Weird Stories authors the galaxy has ever known: Robert Silvers, Beth ‘Demon Priest’ Fuchs, Casca Rufus Longinus, Tracy ‘Cheezey’ Butler, and their leader, Seth ‘Lefty’ Triggs!" Mumm-Ra then turns his attention toward the other team as they walk down the aisle toward the ring.
The audience boos and gives them the "thumbs-down" gesture.
"And in the blue corner, weighing a total of 431 pounds, the most annoying creatures this side of Thundera and Third Earth, the Lamer Flamers: miss Elizabeth, Whiddaw, little Quest, Garbage Boy, and their leader, Bob ‘Bubbles’ Guerin!" After introducing the teams, Mumm-Ra promptly exits in an impressive fireball.
Panthro calls Lefty and Bubbles to the center of the ring, "Now, Lefty, I don’t want any weirdness from your party, and Bubbles, I don’t give a damn how much your group whines and complains! The fight ends when all the members of one of your teams stop breathing. Now, LET’S GET IT ON!" Panthro signals for the fight to begin.
Immediately, Lefty and Bubbles lock into a grapple.
Elizabeth and Garbage Boy lift Whiddaw up onto their shoulders. With a warlike flamer cry, Whiddaw hurls himself toward the opposing group and hits Cheezey and Casca with a flying double clothesline. All three of them tumble over the ropes.
Demon Priest and Robert face off against the remaining Lamer Flamers. Quest tries to rush them, but he is immediately swatted away like a tiny insect. The impact causes Quest to slingshot off the ropes and fly out of the ring.
Elizabeth pounces on Demon Priest.
"Fuck you, you fucking FUCK!" Garbage Boy throws back a kick to Robert’s groin.
TYGRA: And it begins!
Outside the ring, Casca and Cheezey grab Whiddaw by his hands and feet and lift him up between them.
LUNA: It looks like Whiddaw’s on the receiving end of a rail smash!
The two swing and release Whiddaw, causing him to slam face-first into a steel guardrail. However, Quest sneaks up behind the two WTS Authors with a metal folding chair.
TYGRA: Uh oh. Lookout Cheezey and Casca!
Before they can react, Quest floors them both with two swings.
Elsewhere, Bubbles has Lefty trapped in a leg lock, "What are ya gonna do NOW, you fucking n*gger lover?" Bubbles taunts.
"This!" Lefty pulls his foot out of Bubbles’ grasp and kicks him in the solar plexus.
Yelping in pain, Bubbles falls backward against a turnbuckle. Lefty puts his hands on the ropes on either side of Bubbles and begins to drive his knee into Bubbles’ gut over and over.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth and Garbage Boy have managed to entangle Demon Priest and Robert within the ropes. The flamers are each taking turns kicking their opponents’ shins or slapping their faces.
"Flamers RULE!" Elizabeth screeches.
"Let’s fuck up these damned shithead fuckers!" Garbage Boy says.
Garbage Boy then goes to backhand Robert again, but Robert manages to free one of his arms and catches the foul-mouthed boy’s hand in mid-strike. He then twists Garbage Boy’s arm and pushes him down as he untangles the rest of his appendages from the ropes. Elizabeth moves to stop him, but it’s too late. Robert grabs Liz and bodyslams her, giving him enough time to free Demon Priest from her bonds as well.
LUNA: It looks like Elizabeth and Garbage Boy are in for some real punishment.
Demon Priest lifts Liz over her head before bringing the flamer girl down over her knee.
TYGRA: Nice back breaker by Demon Priest!
Robert grabs Garbage Boy, turns him upside down, and drives his head into the canvas.
LUNA: Lovely piledriver by Silvers!
At ringside, Quest and Whiddaw are jumping up and down on top of Cheezey and Casca.
TYGRA: Whiddaw and Quest are walking, or should I say stomping, all over Cheezey and Casca! They won’t last much longer if that keeps up!
"Weee! These guys sure make good trampolines!" Giggles Whiddaw.
"Yeah, I never thought Casca here could be so useful!" Quest agrees.
"I bet I can go higher than you can!" Challenges Whiddaw.
"Oh, yeah? We’ll just see about . . . urk!"
A shadowy figure suddenly appears and cold-cocks Whiddaw and Quest with a crowbar.
LUNA: Hey, who the hell is that?
The figure then steps into the light.
TYGRA: Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! It’s another famous WTS Author, Daniel Collie Swiss!
Daniel pats his left palm with the end of his crowbar. "Hey guys," he says, "Sorry I’m late. The traffic here on Thundera is murder!"
Cheezey and Casca get up.
"You couldn’t have come at a better time," Cheezey comments, "Now let’s teach these bad boys a lesson!"
Casca reenters the ring with Daniel and Quest.
Cheezey grabs a moaning Whiddaw by the hair and drags him over to the ring steps. She then pulls his head back and repeatedly slams his face into the steps.
LUNA: Whiddaw’s going to be hurting tomorrow!
Cheezey suddenly stops her assault on Whiddaw and shakes her head. "Wrong . . . this is all wrong!" She mutters to herself.
TYGRA: It looks like Cheezey’s showing Whiddaw mercy. A compassionate heart; that’s what I’ve always admired about her.
LUNA: Think again, Stripes. Look!
Cheezey drags an entire guardrail over to where Whiddaw lays on the steel steps. She then laughs maniacally as she lifts it over her opponent and begins to pummel him with it.
TYGRA: Whoa . . . Cheezey’s really letting Whiddaw know who’s in charge of this match!
Back in the ring, Garbage Boy lunges at Demon Priest, but only succeeds in tearing her sleeve off. Demon Priest’s eyes start to flash a crimson red color.
LUNA: Uh oh . . . we all know what happens when someone ruins Demon Priest’s pretty clothes.
Demon Priest digs her fingers into Garbage Boy’s nostrils and flips him over her head.
In another corner of the ring, Bubbles tosses Lefty into Daniel, knocking him down. Seeing an opportunity, Elizabeth pistons herself on top of Dan and wraps her legs around his midsection. Daniel screams as she beings to squeeze.
Seeing Daniel in danger, Casca picks Quest up by his ankles and rushes toward Liz.
TYGRA: Casca’s putting the Louisville Slugger on little Quest!
Casca swings Quest like a baseball bat into Elizabeth again and again in hopes of her losing her grip on Daniel. However, this proves fruitless effort. Liz crushes Daniel’s ribs and the upper half of his body pops off in a spray of gore.
LUNA: It looks like Daniel’s only half the man he claims to be after all.
The teams regroup within the ring.
TYGRA: The fighters are dazed, but not defeated.
LUNA: It looks like they’re coming together for some sort of all-out rumble.
TYGRA: How any of them can still be standing is a mystery to me.
"It’s time to turn the weird people into EX-people!" Bubbles exclaims.
"Well come and get some, trolls! We don’t have forever you know!" Lefty taunts them.
LUNA: The teams go at each other!
TYGRA: I can’t watch!
FINAL VOTE:
Authors: 23
Flamers: 0
LUNA: You can open your eyes now, Thundercat.
TYGRA: Unbelievable! Not a single Lamer Flamer is left alive!
LUNA: Really, was there ever a doubt?
TYGRA: What an amazing group of young writers!
LUNA: You said it!
Panthro lifts Lefty’s arm into the air, "I declare the WTS Authors the winners!"
The crowd is in an uproar.
TYGRA: Well that wraps up our show for tonight. I’m Tygra.
LUNA: And I’m Luna.
TYGRA: Good fight, goodnight!
[Roll credits]
Finis
Back to Weird Stories