DISCLAIMER: The Thundercats are owned by other people
and institutions and not by the author of this work. The author is not benefiting financially by this work. The author owns any other character
appearing in this work that is not Thundercats or part of the Thundercat
Universe.
"The Reading Pus Bucket"
By RD Rivero
ÓApril 5, 2001
Cue Introduction with animated pastels.
Singing Voice:
"Pus Bucket in the sky,
Who threw you up so high?
I'm taking a look,
I'm gonna get spooked.
The Reading Pus Bucket,
The Reading Pus Bucket --"
Enter ThunderWolf. He stood in front of the entrance to 'Lickme P. Wently's Happy Slaughter House.' It was the middle of the night and the dark air was teeming with a faint, gray fog. A large truck full of mooing cows rolled into the open garage and vanished in the building's bright lights. Massive sliding doors rolled in place, shutting the red-brick archway.
ThunderWolf:
Hello, kids and welcome to a new episode of 'The Reading Pus Bucket.' I'm your host, ThunderWolf. Right now I'm standing in front of the entrance to this slaughter house -- but then having read that paragraph above you were supposed to know that already. [He rubs his hands eagerly.] Well, why don't we go in and see the kinds of fun things they do in there?!
He turned around and quickly ran up to the door. He was running so fast that the cameraman was too slow to catch up. The sabertooth looked back and scowled.
ThunderWolf:
Hurry it up, RD, I don't have all day -- er -- night.
RD:
I'm right there, don't worry about me.
ThunderWolf:
[Smiling back to the camera.] Now, I'll just ring the doorbell and Mr. Wently will let me in. [He rings the doorbell. He waits then seconds and rings again.] Hehe, like I said, I'll just ring the doorbell and Mr. Wently will let me in. [Again he rings the bell and again there was not answer.] LET ME IN! [He bangs on the door.] LET ME IN YOU GOD DAMNED [Deleted.] [Deleted.] OF A [Deleted.] [Deleted.]
Cue abrupt edit cut.
ThunderWolf was in the building. He was rubbing off slight blood stains from his fur.
RD:
We're rolling again.
ThunderWolf:
[Clearing his throat.] I'm in the building right now, kids, so don't worry. With me here is Mr. Wently. Oh, no you don't! [He reaches out to the right and pulls a very terrified man into the camera's view.] You're not going anywhere, Lickme! [RD clears his throat. ThunderWolf smiles and lets go of Mr. Wently, patting him slightly on the shoulder.] Of course, we have to play nice for the kids, don't we, Mr. Wently?
Mr. Wently:
Ah, ah, ah, of course. [He shakes his chained hands and puts them over his head.] Anything you want, you, you, big, scary lion, man, l -- hmmm. Why don't I show you where we process the new cows?
ThunderWolf:
Why, that would be nice. Kids, don't you want to see where your hamburgers and sausages come from?
Mr. Wently:
Just come this way. [He points to a side door marked 'Processing.'] It's right over that way. [He and ThunderWolf walk to it. The cameraman follows.]
The main processing room was adjacent and continuous to the garage. It had a tall ceiling with long, hanging light fixtures. The walls were yellow and clean up top but below it was stained with browned splatters. The floor was covered with straw or hay but most of it had been carefully collected by wide brooms into small mounds at the corners. The truck from before was there, its back doors open. Cows were being led out from the hold one at a time by uniformly clad workers. Moos and really bad smells filled the air.
ThunderWolf:
Wow, don't you people have air fresheners here or something? PU!
Mr. Wently:
Well, that's just how cows smell.
CHANGE!
Mr. Wently:
Well, that's just something you have to get used to.
CHANGE!
Mr. Wently:
I mean -- no! [He covers his face with his hands. Weeping.] I like those smells!
ThunderWolf:
WOW! You sure are a weird one, Lickme! What other bad smells do you like?
RD:
Um, TW? Remember we're kind of pressed for time.
ThunderWolf:
All right, all right. So we've seen the cows. Now what?
Mr. Wently:
[Catching his breath.] Um, well, I guess it's better to show you. I'm guessing it's something you'll enjoy.
ThunderWolf:
[Shaking a menacing finger.] I better!
ThunderWolf and Mr. Wently walked down skeletal, iron steps to the straw and dung-covered floor of the processing room. ThunderWolf complained loudly about the deplorable conditions and expressed, in the most colorful ways, his regret for having forgotten his safety boots at home. The cow-handling workers looked on in cautions horror and avoided the irate, insane lion and his bizarre cameraman as best they could. For his own part, Mr. Wently was telling them to get back to work. The camera followed as the terrified man led ThunderWolf into the first of many chambers of horror.
Cue abrupt edit cut.
ThunderWolf:
And in this place, kids, the cows are shot in the head and decapitated!
CHANGE!
ThunderWolf:
[Glaring into the camera.] I don't think so.
OK!
A cow mooed as a big, metal helmet was put over its head. With a sudden click it panged, quickly shook and fell off with another moo that was just as quickly cut short. The camera stayed focused on the scene, attentively recoding the shattered bovine skull that was then exposed. It had been torn open and blood and brains were pouring out. A great burst of methane gas followed and with that --
ThunderWolf:
RD?
The camera quickly turned to face the sabertooth.
RD:
Sorry, I got carried away.
CHANGE!
RD:
Sorry, I got distracted by something.
CHANGE!
RD:
I mean --
CHANGE!
RD:
I --
CHANGE!
CHANGE!
CHANGE!
ThunderWolf stomped on the floor. The whole building shook and in its wake the inane 'CHANGE!' voice stopped.
ThunderWolf:
Honestly, RD, what's with all these gimmicks? Anyway, while these guys here are busy cutting off that cow's head and skinning its body, why don't we take this time to enjoy a good story. [He pulls out from his back a small, tattered volume.] It's called 'WileyKat and WileyKit Must Die' and it's about a pair of Thunderkittens who get into a whole lot of trouble! Those brats!
Cue cover illustration. WileyKat and WileyKit are on a hover board on their knees in terror.
Annoying Five Year Old:
[Struggling with pronunciation.] WileyKat and WileyKit Must Die, by RD Rivero. Narrated by me! The Annoying Five Year Old! OK, so like, Kat and Kit were on their boards fooling around 'cause they're really lazy and the other Thundercats don't like them. [The kittens are on the boards looking smug.] Oh, oh, something happens to Kat's board. [Kat's board falls from under his feet. His tunic, dress rushes up.] he jumps on his sister's board and they land safely. They look around confused 'cause they don't know what went wrong. [The kittens look at each other confused.] Then along comes mister stranger. Mister stranger looks like any old man, except he's wearing these really strange clothes and that's why he's called mister stranger. Kit sees that he has a gun and doesn't trust him but Kat does 'cause he has no common sense. She flies away but he stays behind. [Kit gets on her board and swooshes away. Kat goes up to mister stranger's house.] So, big dumb Kat goes into the stranger's house and starts to eat and stuff. Mister stranger says he has to go out. He tells Kat not to mess around in his house. Mean, mister stranger, mean! [Mister stranger wags a finger at the startled kitten.] But he doesn't listen. He's a naughty Kat! He sneaks into the living room and sees that the house is a big mess. He hears a noise coming from upstairs. Oh, no! It's mister stranger's family! He's turned them into flat zombies. Oh, dear, oh dear, what's Kat going to do now? [Kat runs from the slow-moving, crushed bodies into the garage.] No, Kat, don't go into the garage, don't go into the garage! Mean mister stranger's there with Kit. She's a zombie now too. [Kat goes through the dark garage door.] Oh, well, mister stranger's going to do some weird, nasty things to Kat's body and then he's going to turn him into a zombie! THE END!
Cut back to the slaughter house, in the room where the workers carve the dead cows into slices of meat. ThunderWolf was there wielding a big chainsaw. He was hacking at the carcasses that hung from long, black hooks. Blood and gore splatter onto this fur. The workers have run away, screaming at the sight of the mangled carnage. A strange sort of children's music played in the background: 'The Baby Elephant.'
ThunderWolf:
[Putting the chainsaw down.] That WileyKat sure was one big idiot. I hope you kids learn your lesson. Poking around weird stranger's houses is a bad, bad, Liono thing to do. Liono, that spaghetti-sized little --
RD:
Don't forget that thing you did to him was what got you into this mess.
ThunderWolf:
[Grumbling.] Just another five episodes and my community service will be over! Damn that Mandora and her Control [Deleted.]
RD:
Let's get back to the show. We're about done.
ThunderWolf:
And thank god for that. This has been one of the worst stories you've ever done! The next time you stick me into another one of your fics I better be bashing in Liono's head or getting my well-deserved revenge on that nincompoop Fianna --
RD:
I've got cold beer in the cooler for later.
ThunderWolf:
Hmmm. I'm appeased -- FOR NOW!
Cue abrupt edit cut.
ThunderWolf:
[With a booming voice.] I want to thank Mr. Wently. [He grabs the cowering man who again tried to escape and puts him before the camera.] I WANT TO THANK MR. WENTLY! For showing us around his slaughter house.
Mr. Wently:
That's, that's OK, really. [He wets himself. The sound is very audible.]
ThunderWolf:
Oh, so you can make those bad smells too. Ah! You're wetting yourself? You better not get that on me! [He picks Wently up by the scruff of his neck and sends him flying into a wrapping and packing machine.] And if you liked 'WileyKat and WileyKit Must Die,' check out these stories at your nearest restricted Internet site!
Enter dot: a nerd with his finger up his nose.
dot:
My story is called 'Thunder Smut' and it's about the kittens having sex with --
Cut to the blue screen. Enter Snarfer.
Snarfer:
My story is 'Youth and the Puritan' and it's about Liono and how he discovered his peepee. I wish I had a peepee. If I had a peepee I'd use it to --
Cut to the blue screen. Enter WileyKit, her chest abnormally developed. She did not look happy.
WileyKit:
Yeah, I've got a bone to pick with RD. Who the hell does he think he is writing those horrible stories about Tygra's bong? And I am not a boy! Look! [She struts her chest.] I do to have breasts! [A very tightly packed bundle of Kleenex pops out of the collar of her shirt. Immediately her 'chest' falls down her waist to the ground.]
ThunderWolf:
[Back outside. Police sirens and their flashing lights seem to be coming closer.] Well, that's it for today's -- um -- tonight's episode of 'The Reading Pus Bucket.' I hope you learned something new today 'cause I know I did. Like how much pee is in a terrified man. [He bites into a hamburger. The fresh beef is raw and very bloody.] Hmmm! [He steps out of the camera's view.]
RD:
And that's a wrap!
Cue end credits.
Singing Voice:
"Pus Bucket in the sky,
I can get twice as high,
With silky fruit,
Yeah, it's in this book,
The Reading Pus Bucket,
The Reading Pus Bucket --"
Voice:
The Reading Pus Bucket was brought to you by mean strangers, fierce and insane sabertooths, evil authors and dumb kittens everywhere!