"Loony For Lunatics"

By RD Rivero

October 26, 2000

Puritan #1: What? I don't believe it -- what was he thinking?

Puritan #2: As if writing pornos for the kittens wasn't bad enough, now he's going to use Luna and TugMug too?

P#1: My eyes, my virgin eyes!

P#2: Look away, it's hideous!

[Various nude photographs of Luna and TugMug flash on the screen -- a weird, airy music plays in the background while yellow and orange lights strobe to its beat.]

Voice: Somewhere, in some lab, deep in the state of NEW JERSEY, [A picture of a green garbage dump is shown -- sea gulls circle it over head.] a group of scientists unleash into the world the results of a hideous experiment gone HORRIBLY WRONG!

[Naked, Luna and TugMug are kicked out of the door of a shadowy, darkened room by obscured researchers in white coats.]

Scientists: AND STAY OUT!

Voice: Rejected by the society that CREATED THEM, those freaks of nature -- those Lunatics -- roam across the state, reeking havoc on its UNSUSPECTING CITIZENS!

[The same shot of the green dumpster appears. Luna jumps out of the cover of white, leaky garbage bags and throws clotted bundles of used toilet paper at passersby. She screams and screeches -- they run away aghast in fear and terror, blinded by the image of her exposed genitalia.]

Voice: Alone in a cruel, hostile DUMPSTER, the UNLIKELY pair forms a close, CARNAL UNION --

P#2: Oh, Jehovah!

Luna: [Arching her head back, pointing her sagging breasts up.] TugMug, TugMug! I must have you! I need you, I need you in me right here, right now!

TugMug: Eef you eensest, my swee' pee. We must have sex unteel dawn -- to scare away those week humans weeth our supereeor poseetions!

Luna: With you three sets of equipment and with my high-pitched voice screeching out my orgasms we'll take over the world!

TugMug: Shut up, beetch and get down on your knees!

P#1: My stomach, my lunch.

Voice: BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Emerging from the ATLANTIC OCEAN, another NUCLEAR EXPERIMENT gone amok washes up on the shores of New Jersey. IT'S AMOK!

Luna: [Her eyes widening in a kind of glow, drool dripping from the corners of her open mouth.] Yours is so much bigger! And it's on your back -- I could ride on you all day you stallion!

Voice: Will Amok's larger, dorsal member cause the break up of Luna and TugMug? Will TugMug perform a Bobbitotomy on his rival? Will the Thundercats save the day in time -- again -- before the second commercials?

TugMug: What do you theenk?

Amok: Amok cum! Amok cum! Amo --

Voice: You'll have to tune in next week to find out in the AMAZING CONCLUSION to 'IT HAD THREE...THINGS!' This is RD signing off.

P#1: He used to be a good writer, now look at him, look at what he's become.

P#2: What a mind has gone to waste here.

P#1: Every time he writes one of these stories he makes the saints cry.

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