Note from RD Rivero:
I belong to a couple of Thundercat-related
lists and over the course of several weeks, when I've posted stories or other
announcements, I've tried to include humorous, little introductions. The work
that follows contains all of those items to date - I'm posting them at
FanFiction.Net for the benefit of readers who are not members of those lists. A
number of items here were originally written by my partner in crime, Lady
Thundera and to give her the due credit for what she has written, I've marked
off her contributions with an asterisk (*). Also, toward the end, I make
references to a certain Thundera Tiger. She is a very big fan of Tygra and is a
fellow author of fanfiction. She, too, has been engaged in similar tactics and
'Thunderballs,' a parody of 'Spaceballs,' is her response to all the Tygra
bashing found here.
INTRO TO ZENO:
[In an open clearing, by a forest on Third Earth, Tygra, RD and Mandora approach a podium. A crowd before them moans and groans as they take their seats - rotting produce is thrown at the speakers. Tygra is the first to come to the microphone.]
Tygra: Before RD proceeds to post his next 'story,' I feel it is my duty as a Thundercat to voice my serious objections. First, this plotless work is just a cheap, sophomoric excuse to freighted his readers - an attempt that fails miserably, I might add. Second - once again RD resorts to using senseless violence and, yes, [Shaking his finger.] the death of innocent, peaceful Thundercats but especially tigers and kittens. I call for an immediate boycott -
RD: [Yawning, he pushes a red button that has mysteriously appeared next to his armrest. A gigantic iron beam drops from the sky, screeching its way to the unsuspecting tiger. The object hits Tygra's head, shattering it like an egg, spewing blood and guts around the soap box. The body falls to the floor on its side, the arms still twitching.] I've heard enough of that. [The crowd flees in horror for the iron beam starts rolling toward them.]
Mandora: [Sternly.] Illegal use of an arbitrary plot the device? That's a fine of $250, mister!
RD: [Sighs.] Yes, dear.
Mandora: And how long do you expect me to wait before we get married? Huh? Huh? Do you think I'm just here for you to use when ever you want like I'm some kind of toy?
RD: No, dear.
Mandora: I want commitment, buddy! Do you think I have all day? Remember that I'm ALWAYS on duty!
RD: Yes, dear.
Mandora: And why do you have to be mean to the tigers all the time? Why can't you play nice for once? Why must you be so evil, RD? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
RD: [Rolls his eyes.] In the name of all
things unholy! [He presses the red button again. A hole appears under Mandora's
feet, she falls in, still nagging - her voice echoing while she plummets. The
hole disappears.] Serves me right I suppose. What was the point to this
disaster? I forget. I'm sorry for all this nonsense but I have a quota, you
see, in regards to how many tigers I kill and since no tigers die in this story
I had to improvise. I've been awfully busy these past few weeks and aside from
a couple of lemons I've written nothing of substance. So I've fallen back on
old material. The following is an adaptation of a moderately famous horror
story. It's an old story and I doubt if many are familiar with it. I tried to
liven it up a bit - someone dies and I'm sure most of you will enjoy that part
much. Hehehehe.
INTRO TO MUMM-RA'S DAY OFF:
RD: Hi, it's me, don't you remember, the cloaked idiot. The last time I posted here I killed Tygra not for the sake of plot but for my own, personal entertainment. Since then I have learned my lesson. I have thoroughly learned my lesson. I will no longer kill tigers for cheap, gratuitous laughter. And to show my sincerity I've invited Tygra back for another chat.
[Tygra appears from the mist, clothed and fully formed.]
Tygra: What, what? Where am I?
RD: You're on earth, First Earth I mean - I materialized you from the cartoon.
Tygra: Incredible! Absolutely incredible! This is the best silky fruit high I've ever had!
RD: A high? No, Tygra, this is for real -
Tygra: Hey, what's this funny thing in the wall -
RD: It's called a plug - no, don't stick that in there -
[The lights flicker, bolts of blue plasma shoot through the darkness. When the lights come back on the room is full of smoke. Tygra's corpse is still smoldering, sparking, charred and burn, it lies on its side, precociously attached to the power outlet.]
RD: Oh dear. Thundera Tiger isn't going to
like this!
INTRO TO NO ONE GOES THERE:
RD: If you were expecting some humorous introduction won't you be disappointed, I'm sorry to say. I wish I could write more but I am at work right now and I keep seeing these funny colors -
[Snarf enters looking angry and carrying large, heavy cage behind him awkwardly through the door.]
Snarf: RD Rivero! You have some explaining to do! Snarf, snarf.
RD: Oh, great, what is it now?
Snarf: You sold me a dead Tygra!
RD: What are you babbling about? That Tygra was perfectly alive when you took him home this morning.
Snarf: I tell you this Tygra is DEAD!
[Snarf shoves the cage before the counter. RD examines it.]
RD: This Tygra is not dead. Why, look at him, smiling as if he had Bengali up his -
Snarf: It's dead, dead I tell you. Dead. This Tygra is no more - it has ceased to be, snarf, snarf! It's a stiff, it's bereft of life and if you hadn't stapled it to the cage it be pushing up silky fruit bushes now.
RD: I see this is going to take some time and
while I sort it out why don't you go read the story. This is going to be it for
a while, I'm working on something big and I have midterms -
INTRO TO NEW CLUB:
To celebrate the opening of my new club, I'm here at the construction site of Tygra's latest Cat's Lair franchise that's being built here, in Jersey City.
RD: Tygra, what is your opinion regarding my new club?
Tygra: [In shock.] Oh, dear, you've started a club? Don't they already have one for evil-doers?
RD: So you like it, right?
Tygra: [Slowly backing away.] It's OK, I guess -
RD: Tygra, why are you running away from me? Is there something you don't want the press and public to know?
Tygra: What are you talking about? The press? [Notices the microphone and the camera for the first time.] I have nothing to hide -
RD: What about the undocumented, non-union labor you've been using here in New Jersey? Did you even bother to get a permit for building on this site?
[Tygra keeps walking away, blindly, he falls off the side of the incomplete building.]
Tygra: AHHHH! [He goes splat and dies on a newly laid slab of concrete.]
RD: Oops! I guess we'll have to hold
auditions for new Tygra's again. I wonder why this keeps on happening? Why? Oh
the humanity!
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BY RD RIVERO:
[Fade in. RD is sitting down on a full-back, leather chair, he wears a gentlemanly red robe and holds a wooden pipe in his hands.]
RD: Lately there have been some people out there spreading viscous lies and rumors about me. They say that I'm mean to tigers, but that, ladies and gentlemen, is far, far from the truth.
[He stands and the camera unzooms showing him standing on a rug - a tiger rug, with white and black stripes.]
RD: Why, I love tigers. Tigers are my best friends.
[He walks over to a table, stepping on Bangali's head.]
RD: They also say that I've had some very naughty relations with Bunny-Ra, the Ever-Cute. [Again he shakes his finger.] This, too, is a gross exaggeration. I did not have sexual relations with Bunny-Ra. Mandora, maybe, but not Bunny-Ra. My love for rabbit meat extends only to those matters of the highest culinary arts.
[From the table he displays a deep metal dish. Within a bunny rabbit has been fricasseed in tomato sauce.]
RD: In conclusion, I will find those
responsible for spreading these vile rumors and shoot them - [Displays a rather
obscenely long elephant gun.] - I mean, I'll bring them to justice. Thank you.
And remember, a neutered Snarf is a happy Snarf.
1001 USES FOR DEAD TYGRAS:
Voice: Have you got dead Tygra's hanging around your house, collecting dust?
[Cut to a scene in a house, a husband and wife on the couch.]
Husband: A friend of ours gave us a dead Tygra for Christmas -
Wife: And for almost two years it sat at that corner over there stinking up the house -
Husband: She kept nagging and nagging. 'What's the point of having a dead Tygra if it's not doing anything' she'd say -
Wife: And then we bought RD's latest book, '1001 Uses for Dead Tygras' -
Husband: It changed our lives forever.
Voice: That's right, folks, 1001 and Uses for Dead Tygras will revolutionize households across the country. No more rotting, decaying corpses to litter your floors. You can shred your dead Tygra for fertilizer -
[Cut to a scene in a yard. A man dumps a rigid dead Tygra into a shredder. The head disappears in the machine.]
Woman: Thanks, RD, with my new Tygra fertilizer my Silky Fruit bushes have never looked better.
Voice: Got a bottle of bear but forgot the opener? No problem, just use Tygra's stiff, immovable jaw and even the tightest caps come off in a jiff. Why, even a Berbil could operate it! Got a door that keeps opening? Shove a dead Tygra in front of it. Got a wobbly table? Just jam one of his feet under there.
[Cut to a scene of a man sitting on a table.]
Man: For twenty years I've had to write on this shaky desk. Look at how horrible by handwriting was back then. But now, with Tygra's foot stuck in place, my letters have never been better!
Voice: With RD's new book you will never run out of ideas for those putrid corpses! Window curtains, scarfs, blankets, slippers, full-body outfits!
RD: After so many tiger deaths I was up to my neck with Tygra corpses. I tried selling them but the market for dead Tygras isn't what it used to be back in the '80s. So I had to improvise. I've discovered a use for every last single part of the Tygra's body, from the incredibly thick-headed skull, to the rotted liver - putrid from years of alcoholism. Unfortunately for some, the genitals turned out to be rather useless, but then there's not much you can do with stuff THAT small.
Voice: Order your copy of '1001 Uses For Dead
Tygras' now and you'll receive a special bonus, an inflatable, naked Mandora
doll. Great for Halloween and it even scares away armed burglars!
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT BENGALI AND ITS INTRO:
Some of you will have seen this already under a different title but most of you have not so I thought I'd share it with those not members of my egroups list, which has, lately, descended into an all out battle between those who like Tygra and those who like to kill Tygra. This weird story is my latest entry into that war. And because I'm in such a good mood, I've decided to give this a nice introduction:
To celebrate the opening of my fan club's new chat room, I've decided to pay a little call on Tygra himself.
[RD breaks down the doors of Tygra's bedroom. He claps and the lights turn on.]
Tygra: [Getting up from bed.] RD? What are you doing here?
RD: [Rushing forward with a microphone. Ten or twenty photographers enter, snapping pictures of the red tiger and his bed mate.] What's your opinion of our new chat room?
Tygra: I, I...I know you and the forces of evil will only use it further abuse me and my mate -
Reporter #1: And how do you feel about being replaced on the show by Gilbert Gotfried?
Reporter #2: Will you're mate be replaced by a mutant Chia-pet that comes magically to life.
Tygra: [In disgust.] Absolutely not! I've never heard such outlandish rumors! Who's been feeding you that garbage, RD Rivero?
[The sounds of the paparazzi intensify, Tygra's bed mate awakens.]
Liono: Hey, hey! [He waves the cameras off.] Who invited you all to the party?
Reporter #2: How do you feel about being replaced by a mutant Chia-pet?
Liono: I don't know, is it's 'sword' bigger than mine?
[Movement ensues from beneath the sheets. A smaller occupant pokes his head up.]
Tygra: WileyKat? What are you doing here?
Liono: Oh, boy oh BOY! We're going to make Cheezey's Inquirer!
Tygra: It's more like some nightmare RD conjured up.
WileyKat: [His mane sticking up ala 'There's Something About Marry.'] Wow! What a night! You guys wore me out!
Snarf: [Thundera Tiger followed Snarf up from under the bed, her mane disheveled, the small, evil creature out of breath, holding a crumpled and stained PlaySnarf magazine in his chubby hands.] Ok, hehehehe, snarf, snarf, none of you guys saw me here, right? [He smiles to the cameras.]
Tygra: Snarf! RD, this is ridiculous! Don't you have an exam to get to in like, twenty minutes?
RD: Yes, I suppose you're right. Well, I'm off then, I'll leave you guys to your -
Pumyra: [Again, from behind Tygra's pillow.] Hey, I am not a guy!
[Everyone turns to her, asking almost at once
who she was.]
"There's Something About Bengali" [To Jennifer Ever, if you do read this I'm sure you'll notice this story is just a re-tooling of Marsala's Mad Tryst. I did it so that the Thundercat fanfic readers would be able to enjoy it, too. ExoSquad is, unfortunately, a much-ignored fandom.]
By RD Rivero
December 19, 2000
Bengali stood before the closed doors of Tygra's quarters. He held a wine bottle in one hand while with the other he knocked. No answer - he was about ready to turn around and run but at the same time he knew he could never bring himself to do it again. It had taken him the whole day to work up the nerve and courage to see him - he could not quit so easily.
He opened the doors and inside he found that the room was lightless except for the soft glow of a table lamp in one remote corner and the image of moon, hovering in the night sky braking through the unblocked windows. He walked across the floor, by a pair of old gym socks whose light stench offended his sensitive nose. He kicked them out of the way - they flew across the air to the side of a bowl from which a black cat heartily ate the mashed body of a dead fish.
The cat yawed and alarmed the concealed pair at the remote corner - he saw the shadowy silhouettes of their heads turn to face him.
"Bengali?" Tygra asked, somewhat shocked. "What are you doing here?"
"Um, I, um," tense and nervous, he kept his eyes on the floor, not looking directly at him. "I didn't know you had company - I'll come back later."
"No don't," Tygra said, getting up. He let his game controls hit the floor. "Panthro and I were just playing an old game."
"I'll leave if you two want to be - alone," Panthro said, catching a glimpse of the shinny bottle of wine the white tiger held in nervous, giddy hands. "We'll do this again sometime," he continued, already at the door, giggling under his breath.
Bengali had turned his face to the exit when it opened and closed to let Panthro out - anything to keep from looking at Tygra himself. He felt like a fool - like a complete and total fool. He heard the red tiger walk toward him - slowly he angled his face to meet his.
He stood next to Bengali, their hot, massive, heaving bodies only inches from one another. Tygra took the bottle from his strong hands and thought about it for a moment. Bengali was about to say something but in that stuttered voice - Tygra cut him off.
"I never knew you thought of me that way. Maybe I should go change my shorts."
"Take them off," he said, stopping himself too late. "I'm sorry, Tygra, I'm just so nervous, I can't control myself. I -"
"I understand." He put the bottle on a nearby table top. "Lately, I've been a little nervous around you, too." He took the white tiger's shaking hands into his. "The thought of your naked body heaving over mine -"
"Tygra!"
The red tiger looked into his face: "Tell me you never think of that."
"I have but I'd never do it, never in a million beers. Years I mean."
Tenderly and gingerly Bengali wrapped his arms around Tygra, bringing the growing heat of their bodies closer - they each felt something a smiled.
"I think of you all the time, Tygra," he stroked his friend's red-black mane, the longer strands twiddling fingers, "your naked body and the naughty, naughty things I'd do to it."
"Oh you sweet thing!" Tygra rubbed his hands over his friend's covered breast, feeling his nipple grow hard and erect. He broke away only slightly. "Let's get started," he said, already taking off the top of his uniform.
"What are you doing?"
"Don't be silly - come on, surely you know we have to be -"
The door opened to reveal Snarf - the small, fattish creature faced the well-lit hall outside. "Mumm-Ra! Why, he's almost as evil as me and that's quite a stretch!"
"Snarf?"
"Tygra?" He looked into the darkness of the room, peering through the murky shadows. "Oops, am I in the wrong place!" He burped and the smell of Jack Danields spread across half the Lair. "Bengali - what have I stumbled into! Oh, god, the images, the images! Ahhhh!" He ran back, hollering and waving his arms in the air, fleeing in terror.
The doors shut and the room was dark again - now naked, Tygra approached Bengali.
"Come on, you're not embarrassed," he teased the white tiger, petting his growing excitement. "I wouldn't think you have anything to be embarrassed about."
Overwhelmed by his unscratched itch of carnal desire, Bengali picked up the red tiger and pressed their lips onto one another's. For what must have been an eternity they kissed and, breaking way, they pranced about the room giggling, touching each other in lewd and obscene ways.
Tygra tackled him -
"Wow, you're strong," he said, not really resisting.
"Ah, you forget I have a black belt."
Tygra began to undo Bengali's clothes - and then the phone rang.
"Who would call at a time like this?" he asked.
"Don't," he said, trying to hold his arm back. "Let it ring."
But, alas, the phone answered itself - Liono's smiling face glowed in the flat glass of its view screen.
"Tygra? Tygra, I know you're there," the lion said.
"Liono? Yes?"
"Look, what you and Bengali do in your own time isn't none of my business - but you could try to keep it down in there. Everyone on this side of the Cat's Lair can hear what's going on in there and quite frankly we are disturbed."
Bengali was flush red with embarrassment.
"OK," Tygra said.
The screen went black - the two lay side by side on the cold floor, kissing.
"So that's it, right? This is what we do?" Bengali asked in utter naivete.
"We're just getting started -"
"What do you mean?"
"Don't you know how it works?"
The white tiger looked stunned, silent.
"Come on, surely you must know -"
"I don't - "
The red tiger sighed and rolled him to his side.
"OK, then this is -"
Again the door opened - "Tygra! Tygra!" WileyKit shouted, "you have to see this! It's incredible! WileyKat's -"
The pair on the floor rolled their eyes and sat up -
"Oh, oh, I," she stammered. "Rocked your world yet? I mean, um," she smiled beet-red, her hand over her mouth, "I'll -" she turned around and vanished into the hall.
"I guess this wasn't a good idea after all," Bengali said.
"The night's not over big boy," he
jumped atop of the white tiger -
The world went black and in a sudden rush Tygra 'awoke' again. He was in the Thunder Tank, alone. He looked around but Bengali was no where to be seen - he had yet to return from his pit stop.
"Bengali," he sighed - then felt a
certain wetness, a draft, too. He looked down: "Oh, no," he lamented,
"that's the fourth pair of shorts I've ruined this week."
KNEE DEEP IN THE BLOODIED, MANGLED CARCASES OF DEAD TYGRAS*:
[Tygra is in the bathroom, taking a hot, steaming shower. He thinks about Thundera Tiger and more steam appears blocking out the form of his body, his hands shaking. A shadowy figure enters the bathroom, slowly opening the shower door - Tygra catches the silhouette and turns to see.]
Tygra: AHHH! Oh! It's just you, I thought you were RD.
[The figure pulls out a large butcher knife from be hind - Psycho music plays in the distance.]
Tygra: What are you doing! No! No! Don't! I beg you! I've already died three times -
* * * Meanwhile * * *
[Thundera Tigers roams around the forests looking for Tygra. A mail snarf appears and gives her a large package, leaving quickly before she can ask him a question. She's hesitant about opening it - she reads the note.]
Thundera Tiger: A secret admirer and its not from RD. It's from Tygra - I can always tell his handwriting.
[She rips apart the package with her claws. She lets out a bloodcurdling scream - Tygra was in the box, cut up in little parts.]
Thundera Tiger: AHHH! I knew this sounded
familiar! Oh, you're going to pay for this, RD!
[Two figures, holding champagne glasses, sitting at a circular table lit by a silver candelabra, watch the scene unfold in the trees. One is RD and the other is hidden in the flickering shadow.]
Mysterious Figure: I told you, RD, any thing a man can do a woman can do better.
RD: How true it is, my dear! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
[They clink the champagne glasses and drink
the bubbly.]
ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BY RD RIVERO:
[In a stately office, RD sits on a full-back leather chair, holding a comb pipe in his hands.]
RD: Lately, it's come to my attention that certain individuals out there had the strange opinion that I am an evil person who hates tigers and kills them wantonly. [He bangs the pipe on the table, setting it aside:] Nothing can be further from the truth. Why, I love tigers - Tygra and I - [He opens a drawer from the desk but some joker had turned it upside down and out from it spews several shrunken Tygra heads.] Now, how did those get there? It must have been one of the snarf, hahaha!
[He stands and approaches a chest, upon which several obscenely long elephant guns are displayed.]
RD: I am a man of peace, sensitive to violence.
[The gun display rotates to show racks of hand grenades and other explosives.]
RD: And to prove that Tygra and I are friends, here he is to tell you himself.
[RD turns a swivel chair around. Tygra is on it, clearly dead. The fingers are green and moldy, the eyes are propped open by tooth picks, the mouth cast in a permanent smile by a thin wire mesh.]
RD: See, see how happy he is!
Man from behind camera: Oh, um, RD? That Tygra looks dead.
RD: HAHHAHAHA! This Tygra is not dead -
[The corpse of Tygra flops on to the floor.]
RD: And remember folks, a neutered snarf, is a happy snarf!
Man from behind camera: PSST! I think he's dead.
RD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
NEVER BUY FOOD WITH FRENCH NAMES FROM TIGER WAITRESSES*:
[Dark night. A few miles from Cat's Lair in a lake. Tygra is skinny dipping with a female tiger. They are cuddling, kissing and fooling around. A ski boat rides by. They stop playing and see the person in the ski boat.]
Figure in ski boat: Hey, baby. Having fun without me?
[Tygra frightened at the person in the boat.]
Tygra: No, it's you! Get away from me!
[Tygra swims away, but the figure catches up with him in the ski boat. She tosses out a hook that gets attached to his neck. She drags him away. His head pops out and blood splatters on the woman in the boat.]
Figure in ski boat: EWW! How dare you splatter your blood on me?! I wasn't going to do this, but I am now. Well, actually I did.
[Next day, early afternoon. Thundera Tiger sits in a Deli shop. A tiger waitress walks to her.]
Waitress: May I take your order?
Thundera Tiger: What's this special? Ydob S'argyt?
Waitress: It's pronounce Dab Segert. It's French. It's basically chicken soup with a ham and cheese sandwich.
Thundera Tiger: Okay. I'll have that.
[The waitress goes into the kitchen and brings her order out a few minutes later. The waitress goes back in the kitchen. RD steps out from a corner.]
RD: Did you do it?
[Waitress pulls off wig and tigers mask. It's the same woman from the ski boat.]
Waitress: You know I did.
[They watch Thundera Tiger eat her food from the kitchen. Thundera Tiger eats the food hungrily.]
Thundera Tiger: Wow! This is good but it doesn't taste like chicken soup or a ham and cheese sandwich.
[Thundera Tiger sees something move in her soup. She uses her spoon to look for and gasps in horror. It was an eye ball. She recognized the eye. It was Tygra's. She looks at the rest of her sandwich. Tygra's body parts were in the sandwich.]
Thundera Tiger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU ARE SO DEAD, RDDDDDDDDDDD!
Waitress: I guess she realized that Ydob S'argyt is backwards for Tygra's body.
RD: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! You're going to have so
much fun working with me, my dear. MWHAHAHAHA!
WHERE EVER THERE IS EVIL, RD LIVES!*:
[Late night, Thundera Tiger's place. Tygra rolls off Thundera Tiger.]
Thundera Tiger: That was wonderful, Tygra.
Tygra: More wonderful than, RD?
Thundera Tiger: Oh, you know I wouldn't be with THAT loser.
Tygra: I'm going to go get a snack.
[Tygra leaves the room and Thundera Tiger rolls on her side and falls asleep. Tygra goes in the kitchen. The lights are off. Two people grab him from behind and pin him to the floor. The mysterious people tie a rag around his mouth so no one could hear him scream and open Tygra's legs and arms and pin each limb to the floor with ropes and shackles. Someone turns on the light. Tygra sees his enemies: RD and his mysterious partner.]
Tygra: [Muffled.] RD! And You!
Woman: It's us, all right, and it's time for your daily torture.
Tygra: [Muffled.] I didn't do anything to you.
Woman: But your girlfriend did. She called me stupid for teaming up with RD on their chat, and for that, she has to pay, and I'll do that by you.
[Woman pulls out an ax. Tygra's eyes widen in horror. Woman bends down and grabs Tygra's genitalia.]
Tygra: [Muffled.] No, please don't!!
Woman: I'd thought he was bigger than this. I think I'll need the smaller knife.
RD: Hurry up. We don't have much time.
[Woman chops off Tygra's genitalia with the ax. Tygra muffled a loud scream of pain. Woman hands RD the ax.]
Woman: He's all yours.
RD: Thank you. I always wanted to do what Lizzie Borden did. 40 whacks.
Woman: Whack 'im! Whack 'im! Whack 'im!
[RD raises the ax and gives Tygra 40 whacks. Tygra screams in pain. RD and his partner carries the Tygra corpse back in Thundera Tiger's room. They put the body back in the bed. Thundera Tiger awakens.]
Thundera Tiger: You want to go again, Tigie.
[She rolls over and sees Tygra's corpse. Tygra was cut up in forty pieces and his genitalia was in his mouth.]
Thundera Tiger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Sees RD and his partner run away from the scene out the window.]
Thundera Tiger: I'm going to get you for
this, RD! And your little partner, too!
THE TKA:
[In a well-lit office room several evil doers sit in a semi-circle around a bare podium. Mumm-Ra, Alluro, Jackalman, Safari Joe and Frogman converse among themselves in low tones, sipping tall glasses of ice tea. The door opens and in comes RD and Grune. Mumm-Ra stands before the podium directing everyone to their seats.]
Mumm-Ra: I'm here to call this meeting of the TKA to order. [He taps his glass. Everyone is silent.] I am pleased to introduce today a new member to our group - RD.
All except RD: Hi RD.
RD: Hi -
Mumm-Ra: RD, perhaps you'd like to introduce yourself?
RD: [Nervously.] Um, OK - [He stands before the podium.] Well, um, my name is RD and, and -
Alluro: That's all right, you can say it -
RD: And I kill Tygras. I kill them all the time, I kill them everywhere, in every way possible - and when there aren't any ways to do it I invent new ones. [He wipes the sweat from his brow.] Most of you know me, I write fanfiction - and at first I thought I could handle it. I let him live - I gave him a fighting chance but then, then - I don't know what happened. I was in denial, I kept telling myself I was a social Tygra-killer. But as time passed it became undeniably evident that I had a problem - an obsession. The death scenes became more numerous, more extravagant. And now I can't control it any more.
Mumm-Ra: We understand RD. Let it out, just let it out.
All except RD: Let it out, RD, let it out.
RD: I joined the Tygra Killers Anonymous because I don't want to be evil anymore, I don't want to think about his deaths anymore. It haunts me, those visions, those ghastly deaths, repeating themselves endlessly before me all of the time in my mind. I want to be a kinder, gentler author. I want to be nice, I want rainbows and butterflies and happy endings. But he tempts me, don't you see it, can't you see it? It's HIM, it's HIM! HAHAHAHAHAHA! It's him - [He falls to his knees, Mumm-Ra helps him up.] I'm sorry, I'm sorry - the addictions, the stuffy, stuck up attitude, the arrogance - the vile contempt of his smug and smarmy Code of Thundera - it just deserves to be cut down to size and stomped on until -
Mumm-Ra: That's all right, RD, just let it go - that cat isn't worth it. I've been fighting the Thundercats for more than ten years and it never got me anywhere. They kept winning and winning against the odds. It was frustrating - and then I decided to - take it easy. I am Mumm-Ra, the ever-living. If I slept for a thousand years they'd be gone but I'd still be here.
RD: Yes, yes, you're right, as always.
Alluro: You must accept your love for Tygra.
[Jackalman steps into the back of the room and opens a closet. Tygra comes out of the closet. Hee hee. Grune leads Tygra by the hand to RD.]
Grune: You must love Tygra, feel the soft fur -
RD: Yes, the soft fur.
Mumm-Ra: The stripes -
RD: Yes, the stripes -
Safari Joe: Say it, it's so simple. Say it.
RD: Yes! [On the verge of tears.] YES! I love Tygra!
[He puts a hand on Tygra's shoulder then starts to think. 'Tygra's neck is so thin, I never imagined it would be so thin.' He moves his hand closer to the tiger's neck. 'I mean I could almost wrap my whole hand around it. I - I wonder what would -' He puts his whole hand around Tygra's neck. 'No, no, I need both hands - it's not much of a neck I must say. I wonder why I never noticed it before - I just might use it - no, no, I mustn't think these thoughts, I mustn't kill Tygra. I must love Tygra - Tygra - love -']
RD: Die, die, die, mwahahahahahahahaha!
[He holds on tighter then quickly wraps his other hand around Tygra's neck. The others try to hold him back.]
Safari Joe: No, RD, no! Fight the urge!
[Tygra's eyes bulge out of their sockets and fall out, dangling by thin, connective tubes. Blood and gore spew forth. RD squeezed tighter - the tiger's tongue comes out of the open mouth, the head swells up with blood. He shakes the thin neck and suddenly the head falls off to the floor.]
Mumm-Ra: Somebody get the straight jacket! The straight jacket.
RD: Hahahahahhaha! Hahahahahahah!
[Grune and Jackalman tackle RD to the ground.]
RD: He's dead, he's dead, he's dead - hahaha!
Mumm-Ra: Well, I can see we're going to need
more work before RD can join the rest of us. In the mean while, we're going to
need to get a new Tygra. Yet again.
CONFUCIUS SAYS -
- life is like a sack of severed Tygra parts.
You never know how they all died.
THE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE:
[In a dark laboratory RD and his Accomplice work over a cluttered table. RD pours a molted wax into a heated pot then attaches a modified lit. It has a hose connecting it to a large glass chamber.]
RD: Now, bring in Grune.
[She walks to the back door, opens it and leads Grune to the glass chamber.]
Accomplice: Yikes! What a stench!
Grune: Grune is stinky today.
RD: [Locking the glass door.] Good, just as I had predicted. Feeding him those stale beans has tippled is normal methane output.
Accomplice: What does that mean?
Grune: Grune stinky! Grune stinky!
RD: [Running his hands through his superanutated hair.] That means, my dear, that we will have vengeance! VENGEANCE! Mwahahahahahaha! Grune's gas is drawn out from the glass compartment, through the hose, into the pressure cooker where it will be absorbed by the wax.
Accomplice: Yes, then we pour the wax into candles, give them to Tygra - and when Thundera Tiger blows them out -
RD: There won't be anything left of those tigers, not even their stripes -
Accomplice: Isn't that mean, though?
RD & Accomplice: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!
...somewhere else...
Tygra: There, the cake's all done. Now for the candles. [He looks through a drawer. There's a knock on the door.] Coming! [Tygra steps out, RD's accomplice sneaks in from the back door and deposits the candles in the open drawer. She tiptoes away, Tygra re enters.] Silky fruit salesmen? The nerve! Although he looked familiar. Ah, here are the candles. [He puts the candles on the cake and wheels into the den.]
[In the den Thundera Tiger opens her presents.]
Thundera Tiger: A cake, for me? Oh, I thought you had forgotten.
Tygra: I'd never forget you. [He lights a match.] Get ready to blow, hehe.
[She elbows him.]
...outside...
RD: Oh, the innuendo. [He's listening in with headphones. His accomplice shows up.] You did plant the candles?
Accomplice: I did. I -
[The house explodes.]
'RRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!' a pair of
tigers wail.
THE LAST EVIL PLAN, PART 1:
[In large office room two people lurk through the shadows.]
Accomplice: RD, what's in this box?
[RD comes out of the shadows, approaches the shadowed woman.]
RD: That box contains Lion-O's genitals - or should I say what's left of them.
[She opens the lid.]
Accomplice: EWW! What happened?
RD: I'm afraid Grune got to it one night and started to use it for a chew toy.
[From somewhere in the complex: Grune bad! Grune bad!]
Accomplice: So what are we doing tonight?
RD: Tonight! TONIGHT! [Thunder, lightning.] Why, my dear, what we do every night - we're going to kill Tygras!
[RD loads his obscenely long elephant gun, oddly, it seems to have grown bigger.]
Accomplice: And our evil plan?
RD: It's brilliant, [He smiles, wickedly.] it's genius! [A chalk board drops down from no where. A lot of complicated looking equations and the like are drawn on it.] First, we're going to need WileyKat's severed head. We're going to put a small charge in the mouth and flush it down the toilet. Then, when Tygra goes to use it, I press this RED BUTTON, the charge goes off, the great vacuum in WileyKat's head ruptures and, JUST LIKE THAT, the tiger gets flushed down - to drown in his own excrement!
RD and Accomplice: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!
[Thunder and lightning.] MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!
[Grune breaks into the room and starts to
laugh too.]
THE LAST EVIL PLAN, PART 2:
[In the bushes outside Cat's Lair, WileyKat and Cheetara make out.]
Cheetara: Oh, WileyKat, you - you, you do have them, don't you?
WileyKat: Sure, WileyKit tells me so all the time.
Cheetara: Yeah -
Accomplice: Hmmm, when did those two get together?
RD: Remember, Liono doesn't have his genitals anymore. OK, Grune, now!
[Grune bolts out from the hiding spot behind the tree. He charges out toward the pair. Cheetara's already on her feet, she tries to fight him off with her stick but the superior saber tooth lifted her in the air and dropped her down - atop of WileyKat's head.]
RD: Oh no! No! The head's been damaged!
[A great sucking sound comes from WileyKat's open head. Cheetara and Grune and a whole bunch of other stuff gets sucked in. RD and Accomplice have to hold on to the tree for their lives. When the gale subsides they go investigate.]
Accomplice: RD, we can't leave Grune in there -
RD: [Examining WileyKat's bloated head. Grune and Cheetara are visible within.] They're still alive. Darn it, another great evil plan thwarted by ineptitude! And all this time I thought it only happened to mutants!
Accomplice: Let's take the head back to the lab. [She cuts it off from what's left of WileyKat's body.]
...Later, back at RD's lab...
[RD and his evil accomplice sit at a table at sipping wine. They are surrounded by various monitors and lab equipment.]
Accomplice: I'm sure the Grune/Cheetara thing will - live.
RD: Who would've thought of it - I see it and I still can't believe it! The pressure in that skull must have been enormous to have melded those them together.
Accomplice: Maybe we could use them, it, whatever, against the Thundercats - maybe in a story? No, wait, that's not scary enough. I get it, we can squeeze Al Gore, Bush and Tygra together into one -
RD: Ahhhhhhhh.
Accomplice: You're right, it must be the alcohol talking. [She re-fills her cup.] I'm bored. The night's young, we can still do some Tygra killing -
RD: Hmmm. [Rubbing his chin.] Let's think of an evil plan first.
Accomplice: Another one? [She walks over to the monitor. She presses a few buttons. The monitors shows a picture of Thundera Tiger and Tygra happily frolicking in the forest. She spits in disgust. A wicked smile appears on her face.]
Accomplice: RD, I have a plan.
THE EVIL ACCOMPLICE REVEALED. THE LAST EVIL PLAN, PART 3*:
[Tygra happily leaves Cat's Lair on the Thunder Claw, thinking about meeting Thundera Tiger again. He goes into the forest and lands at the spot where he was to meet her when two figures step in front of him: RD and his accomplice. His accomplice had a bat in her hand and RD held a ax.]
Tygra: You two. Oh, no, not more killing.
RD: Yes, indeed.
[Tygra looks at accomplice.]
Tygra: Why would a beautiful woman like you team up with a sick, psychopath like, RD?
Accomplice: It was easy. Besides, how can I resist the temptation of killing you, Tygra.
[Tygra pulls out his bolo whip.]
Tygra: You won't get me this time. I fought mutants and lunatacs. I can certainly take on a sick man and his weak woman.
Accomplice: Weak?!
RD: You shouldn't have said that. She hates being called weak. And trust me, she's not.
[Tygra, RD, and accomplice begin fighting. Thundera Tiger is in the woods. She hears Tygra grunting and hears other people fighting. She runs to the scene.]
Thundera Tiger: Tygra! Tygra!
Tygra: It's okay, my love. I finally got RD and his accomplice.
[RD with a rag around his mouth was tied in Tygra's bolo whip and his accomplice was tied to a tree. She had a black mask on covering her face.]
Thundera Tiger: Now we'll see who RD's partner is.
Tygra: I thought you prefer ridding ourselves of RD first. I put a rag in his mouth so we won't hear his annoying pleading.
Thundera Tiger: He doesn't deserve any forgiveness for all the things he's done to you.
[He hands her RD's ax. Thundera Tiger walks to RD.]
Thundera Tiger: I'm going to enjoy doing this.
[RD muffles screams and begging.]
Thundera Tiger: Begging and pleading won't help you. HAHAHAHAHA!
[Thundera Tiger begins chopping and cutting RD with his ax. Blood and body parts splatter everywhere. She chops his head and it rolls off his neck and onto the ground. Thundera Tiger chops it repeatedly.]
Accomplice: RDDDDDDD!!!!!
[Thundera Tiger walks to accomplice.]
Thundera Tiger: Now we'll see who you are.
Tygra: I don't think that is best.
Thundera Tiger: Why not?
[Tygra pulls off his mask. It's actually RD.]
RD: Because it's not time.
Thundera Tiger: RD! Wait, if you're here, then who's -
[Thundera Tiger looks at the corpse head and body parts all over. RD frees his accomplice. Thundera Tiger touches the head and pulls off a mask. It was Tygra. Thundera Tiger gasps in shock. She stutters words that won't come out.]
Accomplice: Talk about a love-hate relationship.
RD: I told him not to call you weak.
[RD and Accomplice sighs happily.]
Thundera Tiger: I'm melting, I'm melting!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
[She dissolves in a haze of orange and black stripes. Fur flies in the air.]
RD and Accomplice: Life is good.
Accomplice: Hmmm, so you think I should show myself now?
RD: Well, sure, why not.
[The ASOE appear and in a voice, mysteriously similar to Panthro's they shout:]
ASOE: RD's lovely assistant in the cause of evil is none other than the beautiful, the talented, the one, the only Lady Thundera!
[The audience applauds, Lady Thundera steps
forward onto the stage, bowing. Strangers with candy throw roses and chopped up
Tygra parts at her.]
TYGRA AND THE INCIDENT WITH THE ANTI-VIAGRA*:
[Thundera Tiger and Tygra sit quietly together deep in the forest. She pushes him playfully and he playfully pushes her. They looked into each other eyes and realize they wanted more. They kiss softly and then hot and heavily. Tygra gently pushes Thundera Tiger on the grass.]
Tygra: You want to do it, right here, right now?
Thundera Tiger: Of course. It's more exciting this way.
[Tygra resumes kissing Thundera Tiger.]
[Not too far out of the forest, RD and Lady Thundera sat on a hill on a picnic blanket. On the picnic blanket was a basket and food already eaten and a radio. They hear moans coming from Thundera Tiger and Tygra. Bored with hearing them, Lady Thundera turns the radio down.]
Lady Thundera: Do you think we went too far this time, RD?
RD: Why do you say that? It's minor compared to all the things we've done to him in the past. Don't worry, my evil accomplice, soon you'll be as evil as I.
LT: I am not evil.
RD: You are too. You cut off Tygra's genitalia.
LT: I was just having a little fun.
RD: Fun. Right. Your fun is evil.
LT: It is not.
RD: It is too.
LT: Well, if I'm evil then you're a soft -
RD: I AM NOT!
LT: You are too.
RD: Am not.
[Lady Thundera rolls her eyes at her and RD's childish behavior. She looks away.]
Lady Thundera: [mumbles.] You are too.
RD: I heard that.
[RD turns the radio up and they continue to listen until their plan is complete.]
Tygra's voice on the radio: Something's not right.
RD: Here it is. MWHAHAHAHA HAHAHA!
[Lady Thundera moves closer to listen.]
Thundera Tiger: What's not right?
Tygra: I can't get started.
Thundera Tiger: What?
Tygra: It won't get stiff. It's still limp.
[RD and Lady Thundera laugh their heads off.]
[Tygra reaches over to his and Thundera Tiger's pile of clothes and reaches for something in his pocket. It's a bottle shape like it contain some medicine.]
Tygra: I took the correct dosage at the right time. Why isn't the Viagra working?
Thundera Tiger: Viagra?
[Tygra opens the bottle and put another pill in his mouth.]
Tygra: This isn't Viagra. Why, it's a tictac? But it taste like there's another coating on it.
[RD and Lady Thundera covered their mouths with their hands trying to stifle the laughter but soon burst out laughing again.]
RD and Lady Thundera: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LT: Turn it up.
[RD turns the radio volume to the max.]
LT: What did you put on those Tic-Tacs anyway?
RD: Oh, a little something I conjured up in the lab. It's what I like to call Anti-Viagra. Tygra won't be able to rise to the occasion for at least two months. Mwhahahahahaahahaha!
Tygra: [Lifts it up and it falls down limp.] It won't get hard. It's so limp. Only two evil people could be behind this. RD -
Thundera Tiger: And Lady Thundera. Ooh! I'm going to make them pay for this in my next "Thunderballs" story.
Tygra: [Crying.] What are we going to do now? How long will I be like this? This can't be permanent. It can't beeeeeeee![He cries uncontrollably.]
Thundera Tiger: Don't worry, Tygra. There are
other ways we can express our love. [Thinking.] Yeah, right. As soon as I find
Lion-O, I'm dropping Tygra like a bad habit. And I don't care what Cheetara has
to say.
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