HOW IT ALL BEGAN: (I almost forgot this one)
In a well-lit room, deep in the bowels of a college research center, RD writes the drafts of his latest story. A knock comes from the door - he looks back - it opens. A snarf slave, chained and shackled, approaches slowly for it drags a ball with its left foot.
"What is it?"
"It's a present."
"A present? For me?" He takes the box - the snarf leaves quickly - perhaps too quickly. "Why, it's from Thundera Tiger." He sakes it vigorously - it makes no sound. "I wonder what that ferocious feline is up to now."
He undoes the red ribbons. The lid shoots up with force into the air. RD is taken a back in shock but he has little time to react for something within begins to inflate. From the box that he holds over his lap a figure arises.
"Ahhh!" he screams aloud in agony. "Ahhh!" He tries to cover his face but he peeks through the gaps between his fingers.
His professor opens the door to investigate what's going on but when he sees it, his eyes widen in terror, he turns as white as ghost and leaves without a word.
It's an inflatable Mandora doll - naked and complete with pubic hair and detachable dildo. It vibrated and swayed softly left and right. From its wide, open lips it uttered: "Googoo, gaga, googoo, gaga, googoo, gaga."
He throws he box across the room in a
lightheaded stupor. He begins to loose his vision and, panting for breath, he
curses: "OK, Thundera Tiger! I was going to be nice, but," he stands
and wraps a red cloak around his body, "BUT THIS MEANS WAR!"
A SHORT SCENE:
[RD presses a button. A box-load of
chainsaws, already on, falls atop of Tygra and rips him to shreds.]
Mwahahahaha! Hmmm. If I keep this up, I'm
going to run out of Tygras! And where do these buttons come from anyway?
PIERCE BROSNEN ON VIAGRA:
[From the murky shadows a strange, girly man
appears, holding a large bottle in his hands.]
Man: Hello, I'm Pierce Brosnen. Today I'm
here to talk about a most excellent new product from
[The camera pans around to the room, to
various pictures adorning the walls.]
Pierce: Viagra is endorsed by many famous
celebrities. Tygra, Liono, TugMug and yes, now even I will be added to the
list. [He staples a huge photograph of himself over the Thundercat characters
and signs it with a blue marker.]
Pierce: Viagra, it's -
[In the control room RD presses a button. A
large, massive iron beam swishes down from the ceiling and strikes Pierce in
the genitals.]
Pierce: [In a female voice, more heightened
than before.] You'll have to try better than that - I didn't feel it -
hehehehe!
RD: OK. [He presses yet another button. That
time a gigantic rock falls on Pierce's head, shattering it to pieces. Blood,
but not brains, splatter on the floor.] So much for James Bond.
EVIL INCARNATE:
"Hello?" Lady Thundera asked, appearing out of the well-lit, open doorway, stepping into the murky shadows of the spartan backroom. She knocked softly on the inner frame of the archway, nervous and unsure of what to do next.
For endless, tense moments only silence answered her calling.
She crawled into the vast chamber - the doors slid shut behind her in a quick dash common throughout the complex and of which she was already used to. She squinted her little eyes, aware just then of a dim, yellow orb, swirling in the distance over a cluttered table. Its throbbing light and pulsating tone beckoned her to come yet closer.
A creak, a rusted chair swivelled only a few feet before her.
"So, what are we going to do tonight, RD?" she asked the seated, silhouetted figure.
"Why, what we do every night, LT - we're going to destroy the Thundercats! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Cackling thunder and streaking lightning animated the heavens. The room, the very complex itself rumbled in the wake of that Zeus-like vehemence. At once the world was silent again, deadly silent - a single pin fell and its sharp sound echoed through the recesses of the laboratory.
Lady Thundera clapped and the lights turned on.
"Honestly, RD, what's with all these dramatics? You act as if people are actually reading this dribble."
"Yes, dear," he sighed, his eyes pointed down.
"What is that?" she asked, pointing to the glowing, spinning orb.
"That's my new night-light." She snickered at his answer. "It's for Fianna," he continued, clearing his throat. "You know how he gets lonely in his kennel."
"I'd much rather throw him a Tygra 'bone,' hehehe!"
"You are a cruel, wicked madwoman! I told you Tygra doesn't have genitals and besides, Fianna's not that kind of dog. But now - now that you've mentioned my archenemies - now I must diverge and contemplate the genius of my latest, master plan! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Why?"
"Why? Why?" He stood furiously - the small cat he had been stroking on his lap flew across the room without a sound. "Why?" he approached his evil accomplice, wringing his wildly stressed hands through his hair - or what was left of it. The chat remained slumped against the wall - it was dead, dead as it had been for nearly two days, dead as it would be forever, eternally. "I'm an evil, bad-guy and worshiping our master plans is what we do."
"Oh, that's right. So, what is it this time? Methane-laced candles? Anti-Viagra? Falling beams of iron?"
"My dear, sweet, Lady Thundera. What I have in mind makes those mere implements of torture and pain pale in comparison! What I have in mind will shake the very core of this fandom to its foundations! What I have in mind -"
"Have you been taking your Prozac?"
"Like I said - I will unleash and set free the vilest element of evil into the world. An infection - an infantile disorder of unimaginable proportions - that will stifle Thundera Tiger and render impotent her allies in good, those blasted Blundercats and their precious, little crutch of Omens. A pestilence so vile that even my master, Mumm-Ra himself, will be proud of his loyal disciple!"
Thunder and lightning crashed in the forests outside, burning dried leaves and branches in shivering orange flames.
She rolled her eyes and sighed: "What is it already?"
"Behold!" the madman pointed forward, to a tall, metal cylinder that only then began to rise and reveal its infernal content. "Evil incarnate!"
A dense, gray smoke filled the chamber and from the fog emanated a sound - a grumble that echoed through the deep, hot pits of hell. "SINNERS!" the voice boomed, shattering windows. "SINNERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD!"
"It's alive! It's alive! IT'S ALIVE, ALIVE, ALIVE, HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"RD! What have you done?"
The physicist, aloof in the throws of his euphoria, turned to face his partner in crime: "It is Heavy-Handed, the Puritan! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHA! HA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHA!"
"REPENT! REPENT! REPENT, LADY THUNDERA, FOR YOUR WICKED FANFIC THAT DARES EXPOSE THE TORRID, STEAMY AFFAIRS THE LUNATACS LED BEHIND THE SCENES! REPENT BEFORE YOU DRAG THE SACRED NAME OF THE THUNDERCATS DOWN TO YOUR MUDDY, BASELESS LEVEL! YOUR HOUR OF JUDGEMENT IS AT HAND!"
"Oh, brother! What a stiff!" Lady Thundera chuckled, hiding behind RD.
A tall figure formed itself out of the murky nothingness of the smoky haze. It was dressed in black from head to toe. Its head was adorned by a strange hat with a belt and buckle around the brim. Its arms cradled a thin, coffee-stained book, titled with a glowing, red script: "The Thundercats Bible."
"It's beautiful!" RD yelled aloud, blinded by the aura of his own brilliance. "It will go about the land, spreading it divisive rhetoric, converting the masses to the flip-side. It will destroy fanfics with self-insertions and Marry Sues - but especially those that burn with the sting of out of character plots. It will put the Thundercats in their place and confine this fandom into reruns of derivative storylines without spirit and imagination. It will shrivel the creative impulse and stomp it down into the ground - into the dust." He looked at his creation and spoke: "Now, my faithful servant, I give you your mission. You must stop Thundera Tiger from raping and pillaging the innocence of the characters of the Thundercats - stop her from distorting them into unrecognizable forms - stop her before she succeeds from destroying their souls!"
"THUNDERA TIGER WILL REPENT! SHE WILL CONFESS HER SINS - OR BURN AT THE STEAK!"
"Hey, RD, wait a minute."
"What, my accomplice?"
"If this guy's going to destroy all those fics, won't it destroy this one, too?"
The mad physicist stood silent - stunned at the prospect he had not foreseen.
"I suppose so," he answered weakly, knowing then what was about to happen. "We will live forever," he told her, looking at her for the first time.
The black-clad giant opened its mouth like a
snake and like a serpent it blasted forth a fireball that then consumed the
screaming, writhing pair, the chamber, the complex and -
Hmmm, I was sure there was more to this
story, I wonder where it went? Hmmm -
DIE, RD, DIE!!:
The room was hot and damp, lit only by silver candelabra. The faces of the witnesses were cast in shadows, dancing shadows that cringed in the wake of what scant breezes that came from the wide, open window. Outside, the full moon cast her unblinking eye on the forest below - owls hooted and jackals bayed in the distance.
For a few tense moments the whole of Third-Earth was silent.
Heavy-Handed leaned forward, his horribly distorted face formed itself out of the darkness. "RD Rivero!" the weary defendant arose at the call of his name. "You have been accused of crimes against Thundercat Humanity. What is your plea?"
"I plead guilty. Yes, I'm guilty. I have written stories where Tygra dies horrible deatha, if for no other reason than for my own amusement. And not just Tygra, Bengali, the kitten's - everyone."
"Yes," the Puritan commented, "your 'notoriety' precedes you. You, sir, are a pretender. You are not as evil as you would have us believe. Indeed, I have proof," he said fretting several blank sheets of paper before his face, "you keep up this 'tough-guy' appearance only for the chicks."
"Yes, it's true, it's TRUE!" RD yelled almost in tears. "I confess! I do it to divert attention from my true nature. I do it to hide my salivating, unquenchable lust for Bengali and his massive, heaving chest, his bulging arms, his, his man-meat!"
Loud whispers echoed through the gallery. Heavy-Handed banged his gavel until order was restored.
"RD! RD! Don't hurt him," Bengali shouted. Masked ushers restrained him and began to escort him out of the court. "We've been torrid lovers for three years!! RD!! I love you!!"
"SILENCE! I WILL HAVE SILENCE!"
He broke the gavel hammering it so hard - the blunt working end was sent flying through the air striking Tygra in the head killing him instantly.
Berbil#1: "Hey, what did you expect?"
Berbil#2: "That's right - this is an RD fic, after all."
Other masked ushers threw the dead tiger body out the window. Fianna and the dogs heartily and noisily munched on the carcass.
"Someone wants to approach the bench."
The onlookers were again silent
The youth spoke: "Yeah, I'd like to ask the meanie head why he's always putting me in bed with WileyKit? For once why not Cheetara - hell, I'd even give that puma woman whatever her name is a good try," he said thrusting his pelvis, "if you know what I mean."
Somewhere in the shadowy gallery someone ran out of the court sobbing. Again the witnesses began to converse - everyone was asking who that had been.
"The defendant will answer."
"Well, Kat," the evil author cleared his throat. "I thought you'd be happier that way. You did tell me that your sister was the only girl who could find where your - well - your you know, that thing she calls the -"
"AHHH!!!" the boy ran out screaming if only to deafen the word RD was about to say that he did not want the others to hear.
The audience burst into laughter - then Liono approached the bench. It was particularly difficult for him to reach the head of the room considering that he was dragging Cheetara all the while. The coquettish woman had her arms wrapped around his waist, her face pressed against his exposed crotch, her lips wrapped around -
Oops! Sorry, Lady Thundera.
"I'd like to ask RD why I'm such, um, such," he looked at his hand, at a word Snarf had written on his palm, "an air head?"
Again a wild roar of laughter erupted from the onlookers. Liono reacted in surprise - he waved to the gallery as though they were cheering him on.
The Puritan, using a well-chewed Tygra thigh bone, banged on the bench. "Order, order in the court!"
"I'll have a burger and a shake - and another one of those, my beautiful Cheetara."
"Enough! Liono will return to his chair. Bailiff, note that Liono is to be brought up on charges of fornication and sex out of the bonds of marriage -"
Before Heavy-Handed could finish his sentence the crowd of spectators, horrified at what prospects might await them, stormed out of the court. Even the masked ushers had to leave.
"Well, I guess it's just you and me, Heavy-Handed."
"Think again, RD!"
The men turned back to see.
"Lady Thundera!" the author gasped.
"Angels and ministers of truth defend us!" the Puritan shrieked. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" He jolted from the bench, headed toward the back exit. He slipped on a puddle of the goo - warm and sticky - that Liono and Cheetara had left behind. The judge slipped out of the window to his doom - is improbable and ridiculous as that might sound.
"Yum! Fresh puritan!" Fianna said to his fellow canines.
"That was disgusting, RD."
"I know, but I had to get rid of him one way or another."
"Silly mortal! Don't you know that when something enters the fanfic world that it never dies - it's always there for others to read and write about."
"I suppose that's so -"
"Look at all the times you've killed Tygra and the rest of the Thundercats but they keep coming back. Haven't you learned your lesson already?"
"No, I guess not -''
She sighed approaching closer.
"You're not still mad at me for killing you? I don't like it when you're mad at me."
"Oh you huggable teddy bear!"
"Oh! Huggable! Smoochy, smoochy!"
"Shut up, Fianna," the two said in tandem.
"Shutting up, boss," the green dog returned to his feast in tail-wagging excitement
"You big silly, I'm not mad anymore. But you still have to be punished."
"Punished?" he gulped, adjusting his collar.
The room at once metamorphosized into a bright, pastel-colored chamber of horrors. Racks and other ghastly implements of torture sprouted up from the ground ready and waiting, complete with carrion and stained, dried blood. The lead castrator alone came with five dead bodies.
"Which one first?" she pondered.
"I've always been partial to disembowelment."
She led him to the shackles. A door opened from out of no where. Grune came in to great the two authors.
"What are you doing here?" Lady Thundera asked.
"Grune is my body double," RD answered.
"You're kidding me."
"It's a well-paying job," the saber-tooth said. ''And besides, anything for a fan.''
RD petted his black mane and shackled him to the torture device. The automatic machine began to cut into the puma's flesh.
"I'll have Fianna free him in about an hour," the evil author said, opening the door for his accomplice.
"Will he be OK?" she said, looking back at the grotesque horror.
"Oh, yeah, he won't feel a thing," RD answered - a blood-curdling scream came from the squirming Grune. "He's a ghost, he won't feel a thing."
RD and Lady Thundera walked off into the
night, arm in arm, plotting their next wicked plan against Thundera Tiger and
her Blasted Blundercats.
A SCENE IN THE WOODS:
[After a long day of snarf hunting, Thundera Tiger roamed through the wilderness searching for her mate, her big squeeze, that studly old Silky Stripes. It was night, the stars cast eerie, glowing shadows across the scene - the air was cool and a fine mist descended upon the earth. Past a field of grass she heard moaning and giggling - her ears perched recognizing one of the voices.]
Thundera Tiger: Ahhh ha! [She jumped into the bushes, revealing before her a smoky encounter. Yes, it was Tygra - but he was not alone. He was wrapped in the arms of another. The writhing pair, screeching in ecstacy, tumbled on the ground and suddenly, in a slant of moonlight, she saw the contorted face of her rival - ] Liono! AHHHHHHH!
[The bedroom came alive with the sudden rush of her screams. She opened her eyes - it was daylight, it was the early morning. She looked around. The bed was in ruins, the sheets torn, the mattress shredded - springs and coils lay to their sides on the floor. On her finger was a diamond ring and she fancied she had not had one before. She got up, empty wine bottles rolled across her feet. She was aware of a certain disturbance from the bathroom - someone was taking a shower.]
Thundera Tiger: Oh, Tigie! [She ran into the steam-filled room with open arms.
Man in shower: Tigie? [She pulled aside the shower curtains, the steam thickened and obscured what the man looked like for a while. She rubbed her eyes.] There's no Tigie here, my cuddly wuddly. He had to go back to Cat's Lair. [RD stepped closer into view.] So why don't you come join your husband, it is our honeymoon, remember? HAHHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thundera Tiger: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
RD: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
THE EXPERIMENT:
RD: You know, I have been awfully mean to Tygra. Poor guy, he doesn't deserve it, not with all the abuse he already gets from the other Thundercats. Bengali always leading him on, Panthro putting that bong under his pillow and Liono - well that's just ugly. I like Tygra so I'm going to leave him alone. Instead, I've found a new target - Pierce Brosnen. What am I going to do with you?
[RD pulls back a thick lead sheet to reveal Brosnen strapped to a dentist's chair. His mouth gagged, the Brit. continued to mumble for help.]
RD: Oh, what's the matter? Is it tea time already? No, ladies and gentlemen, what I plan to do is far, far more horrible! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Lady Thundera, bring in the subject.
[Thunder and lightning. Lady Thundera wheels
in a large, coatrack-like object, again covered in a lead blanket.]
LT: It's here - [She trembled and horror and then turned around, disappearing in the shadows.]
RD: Look at this, this James Bond wanna-be - this wretched excuse of man, parading about the big screen as some larger than life Casanova! Tygra I can stomach - but this? I don't think so - hehehehe - I'm going to do a little, experiment tonight! [He wet his lips. He walked to the portable coat rack, laughing like a mad man.] Yes, I'm going to fix him, [He pulls aside the lead sheath. The horror, the horror.] I'm going to fuse Pierce Brosnen with - Hugh Grant! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! [The dark lab was aglow with lightning, thunder.] What?! [He looks down - Grant's pants were around his ankles.] Lady Thundera? What have you done?
Tygra: [Appearing from behind Grant, his clothes barely on his body.] Hehehe, it wasn't Lady Thundera, hehehe, who's been naughty.
RD: [Sighs.] It seems the tiger needs more
work himself.
MYSTERIOUS JUNGLE VOICES:
Tygra: Oh, boy, after a whole day sniffing silky fruit this kitty cat needs his beauty rest!
[Tygra enters and turns on the lights in his lair.]
Tygra: AHHHH! RD! What are you doing here?
RD: [Sitting down on a full-backed leather chair, smoking a wooden pipe.] Tygra, what's the matter? You look - stoned. Ah, I guess you're wondering why I'm here.
Tygra: You bet I'm wondering! [He keeps looking up at the roof suspiciously.]
RD: Don't worry, nothing's going to fall on your head - no, Tygra, it seems we've gotten off on the wrong foot.
Tygra: What are you trying to say?
RD: I, I want to make up for it, for all the times I've killed you. [Stands.] Here's a token of my friendship -
[A large, mechanical tub - an old-style bath tub with wheels attached to its feet - quickly whizzes up to Tygra. It's full of water.]
Tygra: WATER! AHHH! Take it away! Take it away! [He covers his face.]
RD: Come now, a SUPERIOR being like you, scared of few drops of water? I don't believe it. [He pulls out a remote control device and with it drives the tub toward Tygra.]
Tygra: AHHH! Where's my whip? Where's my whip? Oh, that's what I get for abusing drugs!
[The tub follows him out of the door into the woods, it catches up to him and he falls into it.]
RD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Another Tygra bites the dust! Take that Thundera Tiger!
...some days later...
Thundera Tiger is in the woods hunting snarfs. Suddenly she hears a strange noise - she turns around. The mechanical tub stops in front of her and she looks in.
Thundera Tiger: AHHHHHHHH! RRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDD!
Inside was what's left of Tygra's body: discombobulated and bloated to twice its original size, blistering and decaying into a noxious green and yellow puss.
From somewhere in the jungle a hideous
laughter echoes through the trees -
MORE EVIL:
[Evil laughter rang through the darkened
hall. A dim light shone above a pool of boiling water. Upon its reflective
surface was an image of Thundera Tiger, roaming through the wilderness.]
RD: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Thunder shook the room, lightning blasts illuminated the concrete walls of the cramped chamber. There was a shadow unaccounted for - there was someone else in the room.] She'll never know what hit her, heheheheh, she'll never be the same again! [He looked at a figure he held in his hands - it was a plastic model of TugMug. He dropped it in the water.]
Thundera Tiger: [Tearing a dead bunny with her claws.] Yum! There's nothing like the smell of a fresh kill in the morning! [Suddenly there was a great burst of light and something large and fat fell from the sky.] Hmmm! Plump and juicy! [She wet her lips and went over to investigate.]
TugMug: [On his feet, or whatever, he moved to the tiger.] Are you Thundera Tiger?
Thundera Tiger: Yes, it's me.
TugMug: RD sends you this! [With a sudden
jerk he dropped his pants and exposed himself, laughing heartily in that
strange accent of his. The tiger was aghast and in shock. Her eyes did not
blink and for a while it seemed that she did not breathe either.]
Bengali: [Next to RD.] By Jagga! You've killed Thundera Tiger!
RD: That's not true, watch. [He reached down into the water and grabbed TugMug back. Thundera Tiger fell to her side, mumbling incoherently about there being three of something. TugMug was a plastic model again and RD threw it at Bengali.]
Bengali: Ewwww. Thank god you didn't describe what that looks like. She's in shock, poor thing, I think she's blind now. But then, what to do I care. I'm not 'the important one,' remember?
RD: [He laughed dryly.] Yes, and now, my young apprentice, now it's Tygra's turn!
Bengali: Mwahahahahahaha!
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