“Comedy
of Errors”
By
RD Rivero
**click**
The screen goes black -- stars and wisps of galaxies
emerge -- a chicken-shaped spaceship blasts into view -- it stops mid-screen
and its beak creaks open -- Snarf crawls out -- its beak shuts and the vehicles
vanishes.
**Candy-Fruit
song plays**
Snarf: Hi!
My name is Snarf and I’ll be your guide in fanfiction, snarf, snarf.
**click**
Voice: You have chosen to suppress characteristic
‘snarf, snarf.’ Click again to confirm
option.
**click**
Snarf: Before we begin writing fanfiction, we
should first take some time to get to know the Thundercats and their
universe. We’ll meet the characters,
the bases and vehicles and the plot holes, too.
The screen goes black -- the image of Planet Thundera
appears -- violent, volcanic eruptions and earthquakes devastate the parched
surface -- ships blastoff and terrified denizens run around half-naked.
Snarf: Meet
planet Thundera, home of the Thundercats.
Notice it’s dying -- and no one really knows why it’s happening. It just started one day and we didn’t have
much time to prepare a decent evacuation.
But a lot of the nobles got out in time --
Thundera explodes.
Snarf: Oh,
well, too late for the others I guess.
So what was I saying again?
Yeah, a few of us got out in time.
Me and a small group of the top nobles sped away on a ship, heading for
our new planet. But then we were
attacked by the Mutants!
The screen goes black -- the Thundercat flagship
swoops into view -- Mutant ships follow quickly and overtake the vessel -- one
of the bigger cruisers latches onto the hull of the crippled Thunderian ship,
smashes the hull and invades.
Snarf: Thankfully
the Sword of Omens saved us!
A quick scene change -- the interior of the Thundercat
vessel -- in a small room Liono picks up the Sword -- it throbs and grows --
the Mutants are frightened and retreat.
Snarf: The
struggle knocked us off course and we had no choice but to land on Third
Earth. We had to get into suspension
capsules and Jagga remained awake to steer the spaceship.
A quick scene change -- the battered flagship
approaches Third Earth -- Jagga dies at the controls and his body vanishes in a
wild display of blue light -- the vessel scorches through the atmosphere and
skids on the ground -- the hull shatters, the suspension capsules scatter.
Snarf: It took
us a while to get established but we managed to survive. OK, so now that you get the general idea,
it’s time to know a little bit more about the characters.
The screen goes black -- Jagga walks into view.
Snarf: Here’s
Jagga, he was Lord of the Thundercats before Liono. He died on our trip to Third Earth and now only Liono can see his
ghost. He comes back to give advise
from time to time.
Jagga: Use the
Sword, Liono, use the Sword!
Jagga wraps himself in his cape, turns translucent
blue and vanishes.
Little Liono prances in from the right.
Snarf: And
this is Liono. He was small when we
left Thundera, but something happened in his suspension capsule and he got a
lot bigger. A lot bigger.
Liono’s body throbs and he bulks up -- his shirt and
shorts rip and tear.
Snarf: His
weapon is the Sword of Omens -- watch him use the Sword:
Liono pulls out the four-inch blade from the claw
shield -- it sputters and --
**press esc**
The screen goes black -- the image of Cat’s Lair fades
in from the darkness.
Snarf: Cat’s
Lair is our --
**press esc**
The screen goes black -- Snarf reappears.
Snarf: Now for
a short list of plot holes. I’ve
already told you about five of them while I introduced you to the characters
and the basic universe of the fandom.
I’ll only list another ten here, for a complete list of inconsistencies,
refer to the appendix of the ‘Thundercat Bible’ that accompanied your
user-manual. At the top of the list is
Grune -- his story introduces many contradictions and problems into the continuity. The Berbils and the Warrior Maidens --
**press esc**
Snarf: Now
that you’re familiar with the fandom we can move on to the mechanics of
fanfiction itself. Let’s examine the
basics --
The screen goes black -- faces of Thundercats appear
in little boxes.
Snarf: Choose
a character to experiment on.
**click Tygra**
The screen goes black -- an out-door scene appears
complete with the profile of Cat’s Lair in the background -- Tygra emerges from
the forests and stands in worn and beaten path -- he remains absolutely still,
bolo whip in hand.
Snarf: In
fanfiction there are four important things you can do with the characters: move them, interact them with the
environment, make them speak and make them think. Why don’t you start by moving Tygra around. Simply press the ‘m’ on your keyboard and
enter the specific movements you want.
**press m**
Tygra runs around in a circle and jumps. He stops and drapes his whip over his back.
Snarf: Good,
now make him speak by pressing ‘t’ on your keyboard.
**press t**
Tygra: I found
my bong, hooray! I found my bong,
hooray!
**press m**
Tygra grabs his crotch and thrusts his hips. He dances to a music that plays only in his
cavernous head.
Snarf: That’s
rude!
The screen goes black -- Snarf walks in from the
right.
Snarf: See,
that wasn’t too hard. In fanfiction you
have total and absolute control over everything but just remember that the
characters and the rest of the universe have traits and behaviors that cannot
be violated in ANY WAY. It is forbidden
for you to interfere with what is normal in Thundercat fanfiction and any
deviation from canon is just grounds to abort your story. And one more thing -- while you can create
characters of your own, they must remain generic and two dimensional. Attempts to give new, user-defined
characters ANY depth whatsoever will again be just grounds to terminate and
destroy your work. You will be given a
fair warning whenever things go too far -- and if you rack up too many
violations you will not be allowed to --
**press esc**
Voice: Enter the story title.
**type
keys**
Voice: Your story is titled: ‘Incognito: the Standoff.’ This is your first scene.
Please type the setting and description.
**type
keys**
Mountainous desert lands with loose soil and brittle, dead
vegetation. The air is arcid and a
stiff breeze blows from the south-east.
At the north, at the base of a rugged hill, is a complex of buildings,
abandoned and thoroughly weather beaten.
The main construction is five stories high and stands flanked on both
sides by smaller, rundown shacks.
Windows everywhere are either covered with bars or with thick, wooden
slabs. Off a trail that snakes to the
west is a covered-garage complete with armed vehicles. To the east, where white-capped mountains
loom above the area, is the ThunderTank, an idle decoy.
The screen goes black and layer by layer it forms the physical terrain
that had been inputted -- the processing is slow and tedious --
Voice: Proceed with the mechanics of the story.
Liono, Panthro, Cheetara and Tygra enter, clad in
guile suits decorated with sticky leaves and broken branches. They hide behind a dome of discarded pebbles
and from the cover inspect the scene.
With the binoculars the lion spots a couple of Mutants patrolling the
front door of the main building.
Meanwhile, the other, huddled cats wait impatiently for any semblance of
leadership.
Deep in thought, Liono taps his fingers over his stiff
groin.
The scene freezes -- Snarf’s head pops in from the
screen’s edge -- he stands on his tail and crosses his arms --
Snarf: That’s rude!
Liono taps his fingers over Panthro’s stiff groin.
Snarf taps his foot.
Snarf: That’s rude!
Liono taps his fingers -- Tygra purrs.
Snarf: hmmm --
Snarf returns to the edge of the screen and vanishes.
Liono: The twins are being held
hostage in the big house, so we’ve got to get them out. But at the same time we have to be careful
that we’re not discovered, too. If
we’re found with our pants down, the Mutants are sure to kill them.
Panthro: I saw we blast them!
Tygra’s face is lit by a perverted grin.
Tygra: Blllast them!
**CANON
ALERT!**
**click
to ignore**
The four Thundercats split into two groups. Liono and Panthro crawl eastward on their stomachs. Cheetara and Tygra stealthily stalk through
the prickly underbrush toward the north and the large building. To their shock and horror they find a mutant
hiding behind a collapse wall, aiming his weapon at Panthro. Fearing for their friend’s lives, Cheetara
and Tygra pull out their weapons and aim straight between the Plunderian’s
eyes. At the same time, the other cats
concentrate on the guards who patrolled the complex’s strong-hold. Attaching silencers to their firearms, they
silently plan to make the first strike.
Ready for action, Liono and the panther aim to fire and --
**CANON
ALERT**
**click
to ignore**
**CANON
ALERT!**
The scene freezes -- Snarf reappears from the screen’s edge.
Snarf: NO!
You can’t ignore this time, stop clicking! This is your last warning!
The Thundercats don’t have firearms!
Here, Liono uses the Sword of Omens, Panthro uses knumchucks, Cheetara
has a staff and Tygra has a whip.
Snarf goes about the frozen scene and snatches up the
firearms and replacing them with the normal weapons accordingly.
Snarf: And killing! That’s just unacceptable!
The dead Mutants are re-animated.
Snarf: And one more thing. Why are they wearing these ridiculous
outfits? Guile suits? This isn’t ‘Commandos,’ this is the
Thundercats! If you want to write stuff
like that, pick on another fandom or play ‘Original Fiction’ TM by Morpheus,
INC. Now, write the story good, with
all the standard rules!
Rearmed and re-clothed, the Thundercats stood
dumbfounded. They did not understand
what was going on and they did not notice until it was too late that the
Mutants they had thought were dead were in fact alive and fully alerted to
their presence. The grungy enemies
fired on the ferocious felines --
**CANON
ALERT!**
Snarf: Now you’ve done it! Story OVER!
The screen goes black and list of figures in red is
displayed --
Statistics:
Originality
-- 2%
Canon
-- 0%
Deviance
-- 100%
Style
-- 0%
Snarf: Maybe you should look through the tutorial
again, because that was not what is expected in Thundercat fanfiction. The heroes never, never and I repeat never
die. There are no deaths or killings at
all and there is no sexual innuendo, too.
This is a kid’s show, for Jagga’s sake!
Impressionable youths might have seen that!
Snarf vanishes.
Voice: You
have earned one violation flag, if you reach four flags you will be permanently
black-listed. You have been warned!
Voice: Enter the story title.
**type
keys**
Voice: Your story is titled: ‘Kryptodrome: the Disease of the Week.’
This is your first scene. Please
type the setting description.
**type
keys**
Voice: Setting scene.
The
screen goes black.
Voice: You have chosen a pre-described setting in
Cat’s Lair: the Medical Exam Room. Loading physical parameters.
A small room fades in from the darkness. It has two small windows at the back that
are decked on either side by tall shelf stocked with medical journals and
implements. A long table covered with
tissue paper adorns the center of the room, a strong fluorescent lamps hangs
above it. Wheel carts hold needles, bottles
of alcohol and clear, plastic containers of cotton swabs.
Voice: You may begin with the story now.
Pumyra, dressed as a nurse, is all alone in the lair’s
sickbay. She mopes around sad because
the other Thundercats had gone out to attend the annual Berbilfest and she had
been left behind. So, to entertain
herself, she uncorks a deck of test tubes and begins to sniff the male
pheromone samples she had collected earlier that day.
The scene freezes -- Snarf emerges into view from
screen right.
Snarf: That’s rude!
Pumyra, dressed in her usual attire, is alone in the
lair’s sickbay. She paces around bored
because it was her day off and all the rest of the Thundercats were away doing
their chores. So, to amuse herself, she
opens up a medical text on reproductive development and just stares at the
pictures of genitals.
Snarf taps his foot loudly.
Snarf: That’s rude!
And then, out of no where, literally, Tygra runs into
the room. His leotard is stained and
disheveled, his body reeks of a conglomeration of foul odors and his feet make
slushy, squeaky sounds as he moves.
Pumyra, shocked as much by the bad smells as by the sudden intrusion,
looks up and blinks.
Tygra: Oh,
Pumyra! I need your help! I need you to look at something!
Pumyra: What
is it? Calm down and tell me what’s
wrong.
Tygra: It’s my
anus! I can’t shut it! See!
Eerie violin music plays in the background as Tygra
lets go of his leotard and his pants fall -- he turns around quickly and bends
over as if to moon Pumyra -- spreading his butt open, he shows her a dripping,
oozing display she would have rather soon forget.
Pumyra: Wow,
sex with Panthro must be rough!
**CANON ALERT!**
**click to ignore**
Snarf:
Hey! Thundercats don’t have
anuses! That was disgusting, try again!
And then, out of no where, literally, Tygra runs into
the room. His leotard is stained and
disheveled. Pumyra, shocked by the
sudden intrusion, looks up and blinks.
Tygra: Oh,
Pumyra! I need your help! I need you to look at something!
Pumyra: What
is it? Calm down and tell me what’s
wrong.
Tygra: It’s my
penis! It’s green and slimy! See!
A dramatic sort of fanfare plays in the distance. Tygra lets go of his leotard and his pants
fall -- he exposes himself to Pumyra and she in turn inspects his manhood as if
it was a dissected specimen. The member
is indeed green and moldy, oozing sores and white-crusty cysts dot its
length. It was an image she had only seen
once before, on a corpse and the memory of it sent her stomach reeling, turning.
Pumyra: Wow,
sex with Cheetara must be rough!
**CANON ALERT!**
**click to ignore**
Snarf:
Hey! What’s this? What’s going on here? First the characters of the show never use
the bathroom -- that means that they have no anuses, no penises or
vaginas. They don’t have any of those
nasty, nasty parts! And they certainly
never have sex with themselves or everybody.
Try again!
And then Tygra runs in. He holds his leotard over his body because he did not have enough
time to put it back on. Pumyra, dazed
in a moment of déjà vu, looks up.
Tygra: Oh,
Pumyra! I need your help! I need you to look at something!
Pumyra: What
is it? Calm down and tell me what’s
wrong.
Tygra: It’s,
it’s, look!
Violent, creepy violin crescendos play in the
foreground. Tygra lets go of his
leotard and he stands naked in front of Pumyra. An awkward moment of silence follows as even the musical
instruments are in shock. She looks confused,
he looks confused -- meanwhile, only a symphony of crickets chirp in the
background.
Pumyra: I
don’t understand?
Tygra: But
can’t you tell? I don’t have
genitals! I don’t even have a hole to
pee with and I’ve got to go bad!
Pumyra reaches for his crotch and feels around. Unable to find even a gonad, she --
**CANON ALERT!**
Snarf: Now
you’ve just gone too far! Do you think
this is a game! Story OVER!
The screen goes black and list of figures in red is
displayed --
Statistics:
Originality
-- 1.5%
Canon
-- 0%
Deviance
-- 100%
Style
-- -1.34%
Snarf: I’m gonna keep my eye on you, yes siree Bob
I will. This is a kid’s show, for
Jagga’s sake! You’re a dangerous type. I think you need medical help -- call a
shrink right now you pervert!
Snarf vanishes.
Voice: You
have earned two violation flags, you are under yellow alert! This has been your second warning!
Voice: Enter the story title.
**type
keys**
Voice: Your story is titled: ‘Panthro or
Panthra.’ This is your first
scene. Please type the setting
description.
**type
keys**
Voice: Setting the scene.
Castle Plundarr sits deceptively quiet in the center
of a moat of unwholesome toxins. Animal
corpses litter the lake’s outer perimeter while fallen trees and crisp leaves
cover the rest of the land in a permanent layer of death. Plumes of hazy gas evolve from the mounds of
wind-swept, blood-soaked mud that mark the maximum extent of Mutant-controlled
territory.
The screen goes black and layer by layer it forms the physical terrain
that had just been inputted.
Voice: You may proceed.
Slythe, Jackalman and Vultureman walk out of the castle’s gates,
carrying on their backs newly-made weapons and war-like devices. They are in a hurry for they are on a tight
schedule -- it was already late evening and their goal was to get to Cat’s Lair
before nightfall.
Slythe: We must get to the lair in time to set up
the equipment. We don’t want to get
caught, we need stealth, stealth.
Jackalman: Do you think it’s safe?
Slythe: We’re doing battle with the Thundercats,
dog, if you want safe, go back to your room and play ‘Commandos’ with the
tikes.
Vultureman: There’s nothing to be afraid of -- the
weapons I’ve created will de-atomize targets and smash surroundings with
five-hundred rounds of lead per minute.
Not even the Thundercats --
The scene freezes -- Snarf emerges from the bottom of the screen.
Snarf: OK, I knew I had to keep my eyes on you for
good reasons. Come on, already, get
with the program! When people sit down
to read fanfiction, they want to hear the character’s voices in their
heads. Where’s Slythe’s lisp? Vultureman’s bird noises? And why are the Mutants showing signs of
intelligence? This is NOT canon!
Snarf taps his foot and crosses his arms.
Slythe: What?
What? What are we doing? I’m confused. I’m a weak leader who doessssn’t know what to do.
The three Mutants stop in their tracks.
Slythe: It makessss no ssssensssse. We’re ssssuppossed to be idiotic
characterssss who, after the third sssseasssson, are more comedic relief than
evil-dooerssss.
Vultureman: So?
Oh, I’m such an idiot bird brain I don’t even know what I’m asking! Squawk, squawk, squawk!
Snarf taps his foot.
Snarf: Vultureman doesn’t go ‘squawk, squawk,
squawk’! This is NOT canon!
At the same time the Thunder Tank -- driven by WileyKat -- is chasing a
Berbil-powered rickshaw. A pair of
Warrior Maidens sit in the wicker-basket of the rickety vehicle and take aim at
the tank with arrows. Crash! Huts are trampled over by the armored
weapon’s steel treads. Splat! Innocent by-standers are run over by the
bulky Berbil who mans the --
Snarf: What is this? Are you serious?
WileyKat: Mwahahahaha! So, busy Saturday night, huh? I’ll teach you to dump me!
**CANON ALERT!**
**click to ignore**
Snarf: This doesn’t make
sense. Why is WileyKat driving the
Thunder Tank? Panthro would never allow
it! You can’t just change things like
that, that’s rude! If it doesn’t happen
in the show, it doesn’t happen in the story, period.
Cue stock footage -- a black and white film of a cattle stampede.
Snarf: Stock footage, in
fanfiction?
Cue stock footage -- Grune, sitting on a fullback chair, clad in
red-robe, pipe in mouth. An old-style
microphone on a boom inches down from the ceiling, he grabs it and shoves it
close to his lips --
Grune: I see a rainbow, all in
black, must be a sign, you ain’t coming back!
Snarf: This is ridiculous! Why is Grune singing?
Liono storms into the lair’s control room -- red lipstick lines his
mouth. He barges in on Tygra who’s
caught with his pants down. He stops to
pick them up. WileyKit steps out from
under the console.
Liono: Quick! We have to rescue --
Panthro runs into the control room -- he’s dressed in his weekend,
drag-queen outfit.
Panthera: We can’t rescue
anyone! WileyKat took the Thunder
Tank. He took the Thunder Tank! We just don’t have the power, captain!
**CANON ALERT!**
The control room shakes -- red lights blast and sirens go off --
Cheetara’s image appears on the main screen.
Cheetara: Liono! Hurry!
The Klingon’s have de-cloaked and are attacking!
**CANON ALERT**
WileyKat, still in the Thunder Tank, follows the rickshaw onto an old
bridge’s on-ramp --
Cue stock footage --
Grune: You want to play hide and
seek with love --
Cue stock footage -- Grune sings over the sounds of the cattle stampede
--
Grune: Let me remind you -- it’s
all right --
The Thunder Tank reaches the abrupt end of the broken bridge and flies
through the air --
WileyKat: Wee! Now, what was that button, again?
He mulls over the panel of blinking buttons labeled: CW, RCW, BS, HS, TP,
Bill Gates: I crashed your
computer! I crashed your computer! I’ve crashed your computer!
WileyKat: S--
**CANON ALERT!**
Snarf: Oh, the humanity!
A massive explosion rocks the
Liono: Was that another Klingon
bomb?
Cheetara: No. That was Pumyra, she just had an orgasm.
Snarf: That’s RUDE!
Cue stock footage -- a film of an opera house’s audience -- the people
stand up and cheer.
Grune: Shut the f--
**CANON ALERT!**
Snarf: What you need is some
serious Jagga guidance!
Liono: No, not another
smarm-a-thon, please!
Snarf: You’ve lost all sense of
reason! Liono would never say
‘smarm-a-thon.’
Liono: OK, what about, a Jagga
swarm-a-thong?
Snarf: What?
Enter Jagga, covered only in a dirty, smelly thong -- he runs through
the control room in circles, swatting off the cloud of flies honing in on his
flabby --
Snarf: THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!
Liono pulls out his sword and smashes it through Snarf’s head -- blood
and brains splatter on the other side of the screen.
**CANON ALERT!**
**CANON ALERT!**
**CANON ALERT!**
**CANON ALERT!**
**CANON ALERT!**
**CANON ALERT!**
The screen goes black -- smoke and ash fume from the computer monitor --
the Thundercats reappear for a moment -- they stand before Cat’s Lair and laugh
at a joke the had just heard a moment before -- end music plays -- end credits.
Snarf comes back into view, head all misshapen.
Snarf: Who are you? I demand to know who you are, show yourself,
you fiend! You perverted fiend! You --
MummRa: Sorry, dork, program
OVER!
He pulls the plug.
Snarf: N--
MummRa: Ain’t I a stinker!
Back
to Weird Stories