Dead Man Walking
A Robin Hood: Cats in Tights Riff
Team Tiger backed away , their hearts pounding in terror as 135 scantily-clad Grune clones moved in for the kill. Then a piercing whistle split the air, stopping the advancing monsters in mid-stride.
"Break time, people, smoke 'em if ya got 'em!" TT yelled as 135 scantily-clad Grune clones lost interest in them and wandered off in the direction of the catering truck. The authors drafted into this latest outing split up, some mingling, others grabbing a quick snack, but two of them making a direct run for the latest celebrity to invade their domain.
"Imhoptep! Imhotep! Can I get your autograph?" Benni entreated, thrusting a notebook and pen at the cadaver as he lowered his semi-decomposed carcass in a canvass studio chair. The undead priest said something in an untranslatable goo of ancient egyptian, took the pen and drew a set of hieroglyphics on the proffered page. Benni turned to Spark, showed her the markings, and both squealed with joy..
"Groupies," Fianna said with a grin, noting the activity around the mummy. The dog leaned his massive frame against the wall and produced a wooden pipe from his belt pouch. He took a package of Captain Black Supreme from his hip pocket and began to fill the bowl.
"You're just jealous because your fan club is a lynch mob," Thundera Tiger murmured from the ground where she lay, letting Tygra rub her belly. She looked over to the mummy and smiled contendedly. "You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to land him. Two weeks in negotiations with Tatiana to buy out the lease. Do you know how expensive long distance to Mundania is? I could have got the rights from Universal Studios cheaper!"
"Why was it so hard? It's not like she has any use for him anymore," Fianna asked.
"Communications issues. Seems she's having alot of rodent problems at her house right now," TT replied. She looked at her caninoid cohort to measure his reaction, but he only shrugged. "As long as I have the Book of the Dead in my control, he's a slave to my will. Besides, I gave him free reign on the set as long as he doesn't eat the other cast members."
"That's the same deal you made Chanur, right?" Fianna said as the Hani in question returned from the buffet with a plate in each hand and a chicken leg stuck in his mouth. Chanur shot the dog a look and sat down beside TT and Tygra. He flicked his neck, sending the drumstick into the air, let it drop completely into his mouth and began to crunch noisily.
Thundera Tiger was feeling good. Her story was proceeding nicely, her actors were content to let each other live until production was finished, and best of all, she was coming in nicely under budget. Then her repose was interrupted by a blast of loud, garish music. The trio winced and turned their gazes towards the crowd of mummy fans.
"Boom-shakalakalaka boom-shakalakalaka boom-shakalakalaka
boom!" the mummy sang, flapping his arms wildly.
"Isn't that the Funky Chicken?" Chanur asked around a mouthful of tater-tots.
"The Electric Slide," Thundera Tiger replied as Benni and Spark, having recovered from their suprise at the mummy's sudden movement, had joined him in a line.
"At least he's not break-dancing. In his condition he'd, uh, break," Fianna said, punctuating his remark with a smoke ring from his pipe. "The movies never mentioned him as a music lo--"
"MWWAAAAAAAGGGGHGHHH!", Imhotep roared., sending his crowd of admirers scattering. The creature spun and whirled, tracking the authors and characters, then sprang onto the fleeing form of Spark, bearing her to the ground. Even from a distance, it was apparent he was drooling.
"Well, this can't be good," Fianna muttered, dropping his pipe and reaching behind his back for his battle axe.
"Help! Help! He is after my guts and juices! Help!" Spark screamed. She had gotten to her obsidian knife, and was slashing at the mummy, trying to fend the creature off as it drew her face inexorably towards it's own. Then Chanur slammed into the cadaver hard and fast, tearing him away from the Aztec. He rolled across the floor with the mummy, grappling and clawing, trying to take the advantage. When they came to a halt, Chanur was on top, his hands locked on the mummy's wrists as Imhotep roared in fury over his thwarted meal.
Chanur had leverage on his side, and his natural Hani strength was almost a match for the inhuman power of the undead priest. He bore down hard, and was rewarded with creaking from Imhotep's elbows and shoulders as the mummy's hands were forced down. Then he felt Imhotep's legs wrap around his waist like iron bands, and before he could react they constricted with horrible power. Chanur screamed in suprise and pain as his lower ribs cracked and his spine threatend to join them. With a roar of triumph, Imhotep tore his hands loose and rolled them both, reversing their positions. Chanur felt bony fingers clamp onto his head, turning him to face the gaping maw of the the mummy, spread wide before him like a hungry grave.
There was a sudden lurch, a swinging sensation, and then Chanur was free, dropped to the floor with a painful thud. Imhotep was aloft, sailing twenty feet across the room to crash into the stone wall and rebound, tumbling to the floor. There the fiend stood, glaring at those who had thwarted it's second attempt to feed.
Fianna stood between Chanur and the mummy, his battle axe swinging a slow figure-eight in the air as he watched Imhotep intently. Then Chanur felt hands close on him, lifting and bearing him back to the others. As they went, he saw Imhotep roar in frustration, then scurry up the wall like a spider. Fianna hurled his axe at the mummy, but it was too fast, disappearing into the blackness of the corridor beside the throne as the massive steel weapon slammed into the stone wall with a loud clang.
"Why is it we can never have lunch without something trying to kill us?" Thundera Tiger grumbled as Chanur was gently laid on a pile of tapestry. Spark rushed to his side and began checking him over, alternating between English and Spanish as quickly as she did anger at the assault and gratitude at the Hani's intervention.
"Looks like your lease expired," Fianna commented when he returned, axe slung casually over his shoulder. To Chanur he added, "Those were some pretty fast moves there, rookie. Not bad."
"Ugh," Chanur groaned.
"Well, it's not the first time one of our props went amuck," Thundera Tiger said. "Tygra, get Lady Bast on the comlink. With Tatiana and LT gone, she may be the only one who can explain what just happened here." Tygra went to the staff table and opened TT's laptop. A few keypresses later, the screen filled with the face of a brown felinoid with luminous green eyes and large golden headress above them. The authors gathered around to view the screen, TT forcing her way to the front.
"Thundera Tiger, nice to hear from you. Your stories are becoming almost as scarce as mine," the diety chuckled.
TT frowned, then said, "What do you know about disco dancing and mummies?"
"What I know about mummies could fill a museum," Bast replied. "As for disco dancing, it was originally composed by ancient Egyptian necromancers as a means of raising and controlling the undead. Most of the disco songs we know today are phonetic reproductions of powerful incantations from thousands of years ago."
"Dammit, I always knew disco was evil," TT grumbled. "What about KC and the Sunshine band? Specifically, 'Shake You Booty',?"
"Oh, interesting!" Bast chirped, clearly enjoying the opportunity to share her vast store of esoterica with a sober and willing audience. "That incantation was very specific. It allows an undead mummy to liberate itself from the control of a lease holder, but only if the lease has been transferred from an undead sorceress to a bengal tiger in the past thirty days. There's some additional requirements, like being performed on a stage in front of an audience, and someone has to request an autograph, but the details escape me.”
"Oh good grief," TT muttered.
"I know," Bast chuckled. "Every binding spell has to include it's own exit, or it won't have any power at all. So the ancient wizards would make the parameters for breaking the spell as ridiculous as possible, in hopes it could never happen."
"Uhm, Bast?" Peachyra interjected. "Just out of curiosity, what would happen if the spell did get broken?"
"Oh, well, your mummy would go beserk and try to suck the guts and vital fluids out of everybody in the area."
"Thanks, just checking,” Peachyra said nervously.
TT sighed and asked, “So what can we do to stop a runaway mummy?”
Bast considered a moment, then said, “You’ll have to get the lease reinstated. Lure the mummy back to the location where the lease was originally broken, and get an evil necromancer to perform the incantation.”
“So what’s the incantation?” Kam asked.
“’Shake Your Groove-Thang’,” Bast replied. The diminuitive cat goddess sniffed the air delicately and said, “Oops, gotta run! I’m finishing up my leftover haggis tonight!” She broke the connection
“Now that was uncalled for,” Kam said, looking queasy.
“Okay people, let's form up and go after him. Remember, no unnescessary damage, I got a deposit on his ass!" As the authors present began to break into search parties, Chanur struggled upright and came to the tigress, holding his side as he spoke.
"Who am I with?"
Thundera Tiger smiled politely and said, “That’s okay, Chanur, you already did your share. Why don’t you just kick back here and try to rest?”
"Like hell," Chanur growled. "In case you didn't notice, RD and Benni are missing. And unless you‘ve got another evil necromancer hidden in your fur someplace, we‘d better find them before Imhotep does."
Dead Man Walking
Part 2
"Are you sure we'll be safe here?" the querulous voice said in the darkness.
"Of course we will, silly. Besides, haven't you ever played 'In the Closet' before?" the female voice replied slyly.
"My dear assistant, you have no idea..."
"Shhhh! I hear something! It might be Imhotep. Oh god, I hope Spark's okay," the female whispered.
The sound of shuffling, clumping footsteps gre louder. The occupants of the closet began to shiver in terror.
********
"Do you think he's in there?" Ayanna whispered as her team crouched by the entrance to the Conspirators' Secret Lair set.
Fianna tightened his grip on his battle-axe and said, "There's one way to find out." Then he grabbed Chanur by the nape of the neck, lifted and swung him into the doorway.
"Chris-dammit, put me down!" the Hani yelled, thrashing in the dog's grip. When nothing sprang from the shadows to suck out the young felinoid's innards, Fianna released him and entered as well, Ayanna bringing up the rear.
"Gods in Pleated Petticoats, if my sides didn't hurt so much, I'd--" Chanur began, then stopped when he noticed the dog was listening to something intently, and it wasn't him.
"Mamma Fianna always said I was an instigator," the caninoid murmured, then moved past Chanur toward a large sarcophagus at the back of the set, resting on a pair of saw-horses. Ayanna and Chanur followed as the caninoid stopped, holding his axe ready, and nodded towards the coffin.
"Best not to take chances," Chanur whispered. "Back off and I'll blast it ith my AP."
"Are you nuts?" Ayanna said. "First, RD or Benni may be hiding in there--"
"Or both," Fianna chortled.
"--and second, TT would take the damages right out of your hide," the cheetah concluded.
"Hey, rookie," Fianna called in a stage whisper. "Can you lift that lid?" When Chanur felt his side and shook his head, the caninoid wave him over and handed the Hani his battle-axe. Chanur grunted in suprise as the weight of the weapon pulled at his aching muscles.
"What did you make this thing out of, lead?" Chanur hissed as he hefted the axe onto his shoulder with a visible effort.
"The complete engine block of a 1986 Pontiac Grand Prix, and God, that was a fine car," Fianna said
Chanur grimaced. "I think I'm only good for one swing, so if I miss, save yourselves." He staggered to the end of the crypt and set his feet, then nodded at Fianna. The caninoid took one long stride, grabbed the lid with one hand, and flipped it off the sarcophagus like the cap off a can of Pringles.
Instantly a tall, withered creature hove into view, bird-like claws tearing at the air as it struggled to right itself. Ayanna screamed in terror and Fianna reeled away as the horror wrestled free of the casket. The caninoid's axe struck the ground with a resounding clang as it slid from Chanur's nerveless fingers.
"Oh, thank you so much. I don't know how long I've been in that awful box," the apparition said. "Tell me, did Al win the recounts in Florida?"
"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!" the authors screamed, and both Ayanna and Fianna burst for the door as though all the devils of hell were on their heels. Chanur staggered away, looking desperately right and left for an opening as the thing finished righting itself.
"You know, you’re kind of cute," the creature mewled at him. Placing it’s hands on the edge of the sarcophagus, it laboriously hefted it's ungainly frame onto the edge of the coffin. "I feel like I owe you a reward, but all I have to offer is this." Then it grabbed the seam of it's upper garment and tore it wide open.
Adrenaline can do amazing things to a person. In Chanur's case, it made him forget completely about his cracked ribs and the pain they were causing him. As the buttons flew from the creature's garment, the Hani warrior dove between the legs of the saw horses and under the sarcophagus. His momentum propelled him across the imitation flagstone and into the clear the space beyond, where he scrambeled to his feet and fled wildly after Fianna and Ayanna.
"Wait!" the monster cried after the Hani. "You're missing out on the future governor of Florida! Come back!"
********
TygrisHawk, Zhie and Lucifer Daimou moved with caution through the Tower set, looking around carefully for signs of RD, Benni, or Imhotep. Tygris was carefully sniffing the floor while Zhie stood guard over her, lute resting on her shoulder like a club ready to swing.
"Just wait till we find that mummy! I'll give him the left, and the right!" LD crowed, puncutating his remarks with jabs to the air, each with the wrong hand.
"You do that, LD," Zhie said brightly. She had already calculated that the time it took for Imhotep to suck out his guts would probably allow her and Tygris to make a run for it if they did encounter the cadaver.
"You know it," LD said. "I got powers, I can beat him!" With that the youth reached over his shoulder and drew a large broadsword from behind his back. The weapon was divided like a coin, one "face" a dull gray, the other a dull purple.
"What the hell?" Zhie muttered, suddenly wary. She backed away from LD and bumped into Tygris. Irritated at the interruption, the tiger teen turned to complain just as LD raised the sword above his head.
"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!!" he yelled, and instantly the room was filled with a roar of sweeping music as a ruby-gold glow suffused the air around him. Then a bolt of lightning struck down from overhead, enveloping weapon and wielder in a brilliant cocoon of silver fire, so blinding that Tygris and Zhie were both forced to turn away.
"IIIII HAAAVE THE POWERRRR!!" LD screamed as the cocoon broke away from him. "The power", Tygris noted, seemed to consist of a change of clothes, for LD was now clad in fur boots, a matching loincloth, and a loose gray vest-thing with a Maltese cross in the center.
Then she realized the sword was swinging her direction. "NO!!" she screamed, but it was too late. Lightning blazed from the weapon, and TygrisHawk was metamorphosed into a bright green tiger the size of a horse, with orange stripes and a harness of dark red armor.
"AUGH!" she screamed. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!"
"I have transformed us both into two of the most powerful beings to ever walk the multiverse!" LD announced proudly. "Behold, I am EllDee-Man, and you are my trusty steed and sidekick, BattleTygris!"
Tygris stared at him, blinked, then decided this called for a disembowling. But as she gathered herself to spring on the teenage headcase, she realized her body was indeed rippling with new power. She stood nearly five feet at the shoulder, her weight had tripled, and if the ease with which she carried her armor was any indication, her strength had increased ten-fold. That, she realized with sudden glee, made her the strongest person in TCATGR, outclassing even Fianna and Thunderwolf.
Besides, green and orange didn't clash all that badly, and it had to be better camoflauge than snow-white.
"LD, I--"
"LD-Man," he corrected.
"Listen, fruit-loop, I'm going to let you live, but don't push your luck!"
"Alright! Let's ride!" LD-Man took one step towards BattleTygris and found himself facing a set of claws the size of of meathooks.
"Um, or we could walk!" he amended quickly. "Yeah, walking's good!"
********
The door of the broom closet tore open and Imhotep roared at the huddled figure of RD Rivero, screaming like a trapped rabbit at the back of the closet. The mummy lunged at the Master of All Evil, then the lights went out as Benni slammed a mop bucket down over his head and shoved, sending the mummy reeling into the opposite wall.
"Come ON!" she yelled, grabbing RD and pulling him into the hall. Behind them, they heard the bucket clatter onto the floor and Imhotep roared in fury at them, giving pursuit with supernatural speed.
“Must run faster! Must run faster!” RD yelped, glancing back at the mummy as it gained on them. Then they rounded the corner at the end of the hall and crashed headlong into Fianna, Ayanna and Chanur, all five of them going down in a heap amid terrified screams of fear and horror.
Imhotep rounded the bend and smiled at the feast of tangled, incapacitated flesh writhing in front of him. The mummy drooled as he reached for the bald-headed dictator, the nearest soft, pink prey.
“Oh, there you are!”
The mummy looked up, and it’s jaw dropped in uncomprehending horror. Without a moment’s hesitation , the mummy spun on his heel and ran back the other direction, screaming like a woman as he fled from the unimaginable horror coming towards the tangled knot of authors.
“OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT?! WHAT IS IT?!” Benni shrieked in terror at the apparition. The authors struggled to get loose of each other with renewed vigor, but their efforts were cut short as the creature siezed hold of Chanur’s ankle.
“NOOO!” Chanur screamed as the creature heaved, wrenching the Hani loose from the knot. It receeded down the hallway, dragging the felinoid along behind as he wailed and clawed at the stone floor.
“KILL ME! SOMEBODY, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIS, KILL MEEEeee...” the Hani’s scream eachoed back up the corridor.
With both monsters gone, the remaining authors succeeded in righting themselves. Benni was almost in tears, shuddering and clinging to RD in disgust and horror.
“What was it, RD? What was that thing? And what is it going to do to Chanur?”
RD looked past Fianna and Ayanna, his eyes grim. He swallowed hard, then said, “That, my assistant, was an evil out of dim memory, an evil we‘d prayed was gone when her master was deposed. An inhuman fiend that should have vanished when poor Elian Gonzales was shipped back to Cuba.”
“That,” he said. “That was Janet Reno.”
Dead Man Walking
Part 3
With the refined skills and precise senses of a highly-evolved killing machine, Thundera Tiger stalked her prey. Then she noticed chuckling behind her. Damn, she thought, thinking out loud again.
"Excuse me, miss Evolved, but when are we going to stop for lunch? I have a cake I bough at the commisary right before all hell broke loose, and I never got to have a single bite of it," Kam said. "I'm worried that Imhotep might double-back and steal it, and I'm out of lunch money."
"If Imhotep eats something of yours, it won't be your cake," Tygra said. "But if something should happen, I'll front you the money until payday."
"We're getting paid for this?" Kam asked incredulously.
Ignoring him, Tygra continued. "Besides, if you're really that hungry, ask Peachyra for a bite of that mushroom she's been carrying around."
"I don't think so," Kam replied. He looked over his shoulder at the hippie, who was trailing slightly behind the group. Her eyes were unfocused, her smile was unnaturally wide, and a small trickle of drool was running from the corner of her mouth. The mushroom in her hand had a large bite out of it.
"cuulluuuuuurrrrzzzz," she slurred. They would have lost her completely if Spark had not been guiding her.
Thundera Tiger stopped and turned to face the group. She smiled pleasantly and said, "Okay, people, let me spell the situation out for you. We got a runaway plot device, in the form of an undead mummy, trying to eat the cast of my latest fic. The only guy who might be able to stop it is probably dried jerky by now, which will totally wreck my story, never mind the deposit on my Richard Lewis wig. But if we don't find Imhotep, I'm going to have to sell my right eyeball to the Chinese to cover the deposit on him. All of which is putting a strain on my nerves, which are being further aggravated by this idle chatter. So unless you guys want to appear on my 'The Weakest Link, Special Food Chain Edition', I suggest you hush up and pay attention now, hmm?"
The other authors and Tygra blanched nervously and began to back away. TT noted their response, mentally comparing it to her Ten-Point Checklist for Reactions to Thinly-Veiled Threats from Six-Hundred Pound Predators, and decided it was appropriate. But when they screamed and ran away, Kam dragging the 'shroom-happy Peachyra along behind, she decided it was a little high on the scale.
"Hey, come back! You know I wouldn't really eat any of you till the fic's over! Hey!" Then she stopped, as she suddenly recalled she wasn't in her fic anymore. Quickly, she consulted her Ten Point Checklist of Fianna's Most Hackneyed Jokes, and realized the mummy was standing right behind her.
"RAAAARGH!" Imhotep bellowed and grabbed her around the neck. Thundera Tiger heaved mightily, trying to throw her attacker loose, but the undead menace's grip was like iron. Facing away from him neutralized her deadly claws, and his tight hold on her throat left her nothing to bite. In moments her vision was beginning to tunnel, her surrounds taking on that dream-like state that occured just before black-out.
"...."
Imhotep's grip slackened slightly, but TT was too weak to take the advantage. She hung limp in the mummy's grasp, listening to a rapidly-growing roar of orchestra music. Then the horn section blared and the wall behind the mummy and his victim exploded inward.
"LD-MAN!" bellowed an unseen chorus of what sounded like Viking pro wrestlers on steroids. In the gap of the wall stood an armored tiger in a festive combination of green and orange fur. Squeezing past her was Lucifer Daimou in a fur loincloth.
"Your plans are foiled, Skeletor! LD-Man and his mighty BattleTygris are here to stop you!" Imhotep stared at the pair in utter shock for several moments, just long enough to BattleTygris to lash out with one massive paw and send the mummy crashing through the opposite wall and into the room beyond.
"TT, are you okay?" LD yelled. Zhie squeezed past the insane teen and knelt beside the quadraped, checking for a pulse.
Thundera Tiger opened her eyes and looked up at the cheetah, grimacing slightly before saying, "Lemme guess, 'Zhie-la', right?"
"Her sarcasm glands are still working," Zhie pronounced, straightening up.
"So are my math centers," TT growled as she stood. "And these set repairs are coming out of your paychecks!"
"We're getting paid for this?" Tygris growled to LD, who shrugged elaborately.
There was a commotion down the hall, and then RD Rivero appeared, followed by Benni, Fianna, Ayanna, Kam, Peachyra and Tygra. TT did a quick head-count and said, "Where's Chanur?"
********
In the basement dungeon catacombs set, the Hani in question was lashed to a broad wooden table, frozen in terror as the inhuman form of Janet Reno prepared herself for some obscene ritual.
"What's that?! Will it hurt?!" Chanur yelped as she pulled a large black object from her briefcase and set it on the nearby table.
"Only if you want it to, my champion," she replied slyly and pressed a button on the object. Immediately the room filled with the breathy tones of Britney Spears' "Love Slave". Then Reno spun in front of the captive Hani and began to wiggle and jerk as though lost in a seizure. It was only when she kicked her shoes away and shimmied her skirt down that Chanur realized she was doing a striptease.
"CHRIIIIIS!!!" Chanur screamed. The hideous gyrations of Janet Reno stopped as the Hani's wail broke her concentration.
"Who is this 'Chris' person you keep yelling for?" Reno asked mildly, but Chanur seemed to be ignoring her, instead conversing with an invisible somebody floating overhead.
"What do you mean, I should have let a sleeping dog lie?!" Chanur snapped, outraged. "After what he did to me in 'Slumber Party'?! Okay, so what if the Reno thing was my idea, what's that got to do with it? Oh, now I'm to blame for feeding him ammunition, huh? Whose side are you on, anyway?!"
Reno backed up, tranfixed by this odd half-argument she was witnessing. In a strange way, it reminded her of the Weaver trial, alot of noise but nothing making sense.
"What about the budget?" Chanur said. "Yeah, I know she's cutting corners, the food here is lousy. Corners? What about..." Chanur's voice trailed off as he looked at the corner of the table he was shackled to, and realized the only thing holding the chain to the wood was a long, thin, severely-bent finishing nail. With one tug, he pulled the chain free of it's moorings, then freed his other hand just as easily.
"Slow down, honey, you're not supposed to do that until we're in the throes of ecstacy!" Janet Reno declared, coming towards the table. Chanur saw her approach and surged upward, ripping free of the table as he rolled off of it. He hit the ground running and tore out of the chamber of horrors, his shackles clanging in his wake.
After he had disappeared, Janet Reno sighed, went to her purse and got out her cell-phone. She paged through the speed-dial, found her desired number and pressed "talk".
********
"Well, where ever he is, we can't afford to wait on him," Thundera Tiger growled. "Okay everybody, remember that we have to keep RD safe until--". She paused, shook her head and said again, "Keep RD sa--, ya know, no matter how I say it, that just sounds so damn wrong."
"You know, we still don't have Imhotep back yet," Kamanchee pointed out. "We have to get both of them together, back in the banquet hall, before the spell can work."
"What spell?" Rivero said, confused.
Before anyone could answer, there arose a hew and a cry from the opposite end of the compound, a sound like an angry mob embroiled in battle.
"That's coming from the main hall!" TT yelled. "Let's go!" At her command, the authors of TCATGR rushed through the breach in the wall. Well, most rushed. Peachyra stumbled along in a haze, and it took several minutes of effort to squeeze BattleTygris through the hole without further enlarging it and jeapordizing her alleged paycheck.
By the time the team had reached the entrance to the main hall, the clamor had died, and so had it's source.
"AAAAAUUUGH!" TT screamed at the sight of 150 scantily-clad Grune clone mummies, lying scattered around the chamber like spilled beef jerky.
"Yeesh, calm down!" Fianna barked, wincing at the feline's wail of despair. "They're just character copies, we'll run you off some more after we catch Imhotep."
"Don't you see, you great green goof!" TT blurted, whirling on the dog. "Snarfer charges ten cents each for his character copier! 150 Grunes is... is...,"
"Fifteen bucks?" Ayanna volunteered.
"Fifteen bucks! Fifteen bucks!" TT wailed, reeling with the burden of it all. "I'm being nickle-and-dime'd to death here!"
"Um, guys? There's Imhotep," Kamanchee said, pointing towards the throne. As everyone turned their attention towards him, the mummy strode confidently to the throne and smiled. His dessicated tissues were restored, his emaciated form fully fleshed once again. He raised his hands high above his head, and began to make a series of high-pitched squeaking sounds.
"That's 'Muskrat Love'!" Zhie shouted. "Stop him before--"
Before she could complete the sentence, one-hundred and fifty scantily-clad Grune clone mummies sat up and looked towards the authors, undying rage and hatred in their eyes.
"Fuck, never mind," the king cheetah finished as the mummy-clones bayed like wolves and scrambled towards the authors.
"Aya, grab Peachy and get out of here!" Fianna yelled as the mummy wave broke over him. The caninoid's strength allowed him to wield his heavy axe with the same dexterity as a sword, and added impact to thrown elbows and kicks, turning glancing blows into bone-crushing strikes. But Grune was a powerful character, and the supernatural strength of the mummies only enhanced that power. In seconds, Fianna was pulled down and disarmed, pinned by a writhing mass of undead warriors.
Thundera Tiger sprang away from the onslaught, trying to get clear, but the mummies leapt after her, scrambling along the walls like obscene spiders. She was captured as she mentally reviewed her Ten Point Checklist for Attacks by Scuttling Things.
Spark and Kam were overpowered easily, Spark's knife not affecting the dead tissues of the mummies, and Kam being rather helpless in any case. Aya and Peachyra were caught while the cheetah gamely tried to push the hippie back out the way they had come, hindered by Peachyra's repeated offers of a "hit" from her mushroom.
RD Rivero, seeing the odds, made no attempt to resist, and consequently neither he nor Benni was harmed as the mummies surrounded them, hemming them in. From where they stood , they could hear Zhie announcing her capture with an ear-numbing barrage of obscenities.
The final holdouts were LD-Man and Battle-Tygris, surrounded as the mummies closed in. "Let's go, BattleTygris!" LD-Man yelled and sprang onto the giant tiger's back.
"HEY!!" Tygris howled and bucked violently, launching LD-Man into the air. The insane teen superhero squealed with joy until he slammed into the stone ceiling. When he hit the floor, he was unconscious. TygrisHawk returned her attention to her attackers just as a long pike, taken from the groups mounted on the wall, was thrust beneath her chin. Several pinful pokes in her side alerted her to a half-dozen more spears, ready to make kabobs of her internal organs if she dared to twitch.
On the throne, Imhotep roared with laughter, clapping his hands appreciatively as the captives were dragged, prodded and poked into position at his feet. Then the ancient priest cast his arms wide and made a series of bizarre grunts and snorts that sounded vaguely like a language.
“What’s he saying?” TT asked.
“The usual, I suspect,” RD replied. “Promises to suck out our guts, take our powers and conquer the universe. Excuse me, Imhotep? A word with you?”
The priest turned at the sound of his name and went to confront Rivero. The evildoer smiled warmly and said, “Pardon my interruption, sir, but I wanted to offer my services to you. I have considerable experience as a villian and a henchmen to undead egyptians, have held the title of Master of All Evil for about a year and a half, and--” He reached behind him, grabbed Benni by the arms and thrust her towards the mummy. “I brought you a sacrificial victim as a gesture of good faith.”
“RD!!” Benni squawked as the priest grinned and grabbed her by the arm.
“Well, what did you expect?” Rivero said mildly. “I told you I was evil.”
The other authors watched in horror as Imhotep pulled the helpless Thunderan to him, holding her before him. The priest’s mouth opened inhumanly wide, and the air of the room filled with a sepulcheral hum. Benni screamed.
“LET HER GO!!”
All eyes turned to the overhead balcony, to the form hurtling through the air towards the dias. Chanur hit the cement hard, rolling with the momentum and coming to his feet, spinning a set of manacle chains in each hand.
Imhotep stared at the Hani, then snorted derivsively. He barked an order, and a phalanx of undead Grune clones swarmed over the struggling alien, subduing him as Imhotep shoved Benni back into the grasp of his troops. The mummy barked a command and was rewarded with a proffered spear. He took the weapon, held it shoulder-high, and lunged at Chanur.
Then the entire castle shook as the front door splintered to fragments and crashed inward. Over the crumpled wood came a massive armored personnel carrier, it’s glossy black finish shining in the torchlight like bitter justice, the letters “ATF” emblazoned proudly on it’s front. As living and dead alike gaped in amazement, the vehicle skidded to a halt and bay doors on it’s sides opened up, disgorging men in black SWAT armor and shiny helmets, M-16 machine guns in their hands.
“EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!!!” one of the troopers yelled. Immediately, the living members of TCATGR complied, throwing themselves on the deck. The mummies, however, roared in ancient fury and rushed the soldiers. The troopers never hesitated as they unleashed a withering barrage of fully-automatic weapons fire. The slugs tore into the undead Grune clones, ripping off arms, legs, heads, reducing the attacking monsters to dessicated powder in seconds.
Imhotep bellowed in outrage and hurled his spear at one of the officers. Chanur, seeing his opportunity, tore loose of the mummies holding him and vaulted off the dias and out of the path of fire seconds before the stage became a shooting gallery. As the last of his undead henchmen disintegrated, Imhotep wailed and screamed as slugs tore into his flesh. Incredibly, he began to wither, as though each round was stripping away a portion of the life he had consumed from the Grune clones. The mummy reeled and staggered as his stolen vitality was blasted out of him, reducing him at last to his original, rotted husk. The troopers advanced towards the priest with single-minded determination, pouring lead into his undead frame, splintering bone and vaporizing dried tissue until, at last, Imhotep collapsed into deactivation.
The ATF agents swiftly secured the scene, handcuffing everyone and everything, including the lifeless mummy. They stripped eveyone of their weapons, and in the instant LD-Man was relieved of his sword, both he and BattleTygris reverted to their original forms. As soon as the coast was clear, one of the officers went to the doorway beside the throne and returned leading an ungainly, tottering form across the room to where Chanur stood shackled.
“Ohmigod! That’s Janet Reno!” Peachyra cried.
“Bloody hell, now she sobers up,” Kamanchee grumbled.
“Officer, can‘t you take these off of him?” Reno asked the trooper, indicating Chanur‘s bound hands.
“Sorry, Madam Attorney General, but the rules of engagement strictly--”
“Yes, yes, I know,” Reno said resignedly. Then she turned to the Hani and said, “I‘m sorry, Chanur, but our moment has slipped past us. It would never do for the future governor of Florida to be seen having a fling with a youngster like yourself.”
“Oh,” Chanur said blandly, then swallowed hard and added, “Darn.”
“Officers, I leave the situation in your capable hands,“ Reno called to the men as she was escorted through the group to the wrecked front door. “Fine use of overwhelming firepower! Remember, whatever anyone else says, Waco went down without a hitch!”
When she was gone, the troopers began releasing the authors from their manacles. Chanur smiled and held out his wrists expectantly.
“Hey Joe, look at this,”one of the troopers sneered. “I think he wants something.”
The trooper beside the Hani lashed out with his leg, kicking Chanur’s feet out from under him. With his hands manacled, the Hani could do nothing to arrest his fall, and landed hard on the stone floor.
“Yeah, he wanted to lie down,” Joe laughed.
“What the hell?!” Chanur yelled, sitting up.
“STAY DOWN, PUNK!” Joe bellowed, and clubbed the Hani with his rifle butt. Sensing trouble, several of his fellow agents rushed into the fray, bludgeoning their hapless victim long after he’d stopped trying to rise.
“That’s enough, fellas, break it up,” one of the officers yelled. “We don’t want another Ruby Ridge here!” Then the soldiers grabbed the bloody, semi-conscious Hani and hauled him back to his feet.
“What the hell is this?!” Chanur yelled. “Who the hell is in charge here?!“
The officer who’d stopped the beating took a step back, making room for a hulking figure climbing the steps. Fianna stopped in front of Chanur and smiled broadly at the Hani warrior, which, coming from Fianna, was enough to make him worry. But what the caninoid held in his arms made his blood run cold: Mrs Fianna, looking cuddly and adorable in her miniature doggie body armor and a shiny black SWAT helmet with a modified visor for her muzzle.
“But...but how?” Chanur said, eyes wide. “She threw you out!”
Fianna chuckled. “Just like a cat to forget he’s dealing with dogs. You see, unlike myself, my precious angel is a full canine, with all the requisite sniffing equipment.“ He dug into his belt pouch and produced a cow-patterned G-String. “This little number, for instance, was freshly laundered. Not a trace of anybody’s scent anywhere, including mine.”
“Hey!” Peachyra yelled, while TygrisHawk looked at the ceiling and began to whistle.
“Then there were the tiger hairs in the drain,” the dog said patiently. “Every time Kahn comes over to play ‘Go Fish’, my baby spends three or four days trying to vacuum up all the fur he sheds. If any tigers had been there, there’d be a scent trail, and alot more fur than just a few in the drain.”
“Hey!” Thundera Tiger yelled, looking with fresh realization at the bald patch on her tail.
“Uhh,” Chanur stuttered, looking nervous. Then he blurted, “What about the lipstick, huh? What about that?!”
“Two words: fish breath, which, of course, implicates Shark,” Fianna said. Chanur cursed loudly, but the dog ignored him. “After my baby calmed down, she realized all of these details, plus the distinctinve wet-cat-in-heat smell of Hani tracked from the window, to the bed, to the bathroom. She put two and two together and came up with five, then came down to the bar and took me home, didn’t you snookums?“
The poodle emitted a chirping bark and looked up to lick her husband on the nose. Then she looked at Chanur and rumbled like a soft earthquake.
“Now the only thing I haven’t figured out yet is, who besides you and Shark is involved here?” Fianna said. “Also, a large cache of my goodies has turned up missing. But worst of all,” the caninoid paused, glaring at the alien, “A family of racoons made nesting material out of all my Lassie tapes. Somebody’s gonna pay for that.” The poodle barked loudly at Fianna, who hastily added, “Oh, and for screwing with my marriage, of course.”
Then the soldiers released the alien and backed quickly away. Chanur wobbled slightly, watching them retreat.
“Police brutality?” he said weakly.
“Personally, I‘m all for it,” Fianna said, then added to his wife, ”Remember honey, let him live. We promised TT, after all.”
Chanur looked at the poodle and blanched. “God damn, that really is a hell of alot of teeth.”
As Chanur’s hoarse screams began to echo around the room, competeing with the buzz-saw sound of poodle teeth ripping flesh and crushing bone, Thundera Tiger sighed and walked towards the catering truck with the rest of the authors.
“I hope she doesn’t rip him up too badly,“ she muttered. “I’m carrying his health insurance!“
The End
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