Dedicated to RD Rivero...I had no idea where to go with this story till I spoke to him Saturday :)
The Unbearables
Part 1
Ayanna the hyperactive cheetah burst merrily from the underbrush and into her hut in the Warrior Maidens' village. There was a spring in her step, a song in her heart, catnip tea in her flask, and nobody around to make her take her medication. What more could a cheetah ask?
"Hmm, lunch maybe?" she said aloud. She sat on the floor, composed herself and spoke aloud. "All of a sudden, a thompson gazelle appeared on the dining room table."
Ayanna was an author, one of many in the world of TCATGR. But she was new to this strange world, a place with it's own bizarre definition of logic, and this sometime created...issues.
In this case, it created a gazelle. However, the gazelle was not ready for eating; it was alive, scared, and definitely not interested in being cheetah-chow. As soon as it saw Ayanna it bleated in terror and began to crash around the room, smashing furniture and upsetting cabinets.
Ayanna watched the ruckus, then decided this was more fun than eating it anyway. She joined the gazelle in racing around the room and further demolishing the place.
Ayanna was headed directly for a large mahogony end table that had somehow escaped the careening mammals, when the world suddenly lurched and she slammed into a massive wall of metal.
"Ooof," the cheetah grunted as she rebounded.
"Woof!" Fianna grunted as the cheetah rebounded off of his back.
"Huh?" Sher Kahn grunted in suprise at the scene.
"What was that?" Fianna asked aloud, looking around. "Is Shark throwing peach pits again?"
"Naw, looks like a little cat," Kahn said mildly as the dazed cheetah got to her feet.
Fianna grinned. "What, no paint this time?"
Ayanna glowered at the dog, remembering how long it had taken to get the tire marks out of her fur from the last chat session. "Don't push it, biscuit breath, you're still on my list!"
"That's okay," Fianna grinned, and that strange combination of merrirment and malice flickered in the caninoid's golden eyes. "You're in my riff!"
"WHAT?!" Ayanna yelped.
"See, there it is again," Kahn murmured.
"But I don't...but I didn't...ah hell, we're all gonna die aren't we?" Ayanna groaned.
"You maybe," Kahn said with a smile. "I always make out pretty good in these things."
"He almost killed you last time!" Ayanna cried.
"True," Kahn replied. "But now I have Christina Aguilara to scratch my back for me. I can't complain."
"ATTENTION PEOPLE!" there came a voice from nearby. Ayanna looked around and realized she was at the rear of a crowd of thiry-odd, emphasis on the "odd", authors, all gathered in a patch of grass outside Cat's Lair.
"What's happening?" she said, springing on to of Sher Kahn's back. "I can't see!"
"Hey, watch the nails!" Kahn snapped with a grimace.
"Yeah, he's still got alot of fresh scratch marks from last night," Fianna chuckled.
At the front of the group was a stage and podium. RD Rivero appeared out of thin air and went to the podium.
"Is this thing on? Testing? Testing? Ahem. I have summoned the group to make an announcement," Rivero said. "It has come to my attention that catnip use among the membership of this club is growing at an alarming rate. Studies have shown that ingesting catnip can and does regularly lead to hard intoxicants, including silky fruit salad and chocolate cake. Additionally it has been shown to counteract the effects of Ritilin in hyperactive cheetahs, making it a health risk of the first order."
"Therefore, as your dreaded master and absolute dictator I, RD Rivero, do hearby outlaw all catnip in the premises of TCATGR. All of you who do have catnip in your possession must forfeit it immediately or face severe torture and mutilation."
"WHAT?!" cried Ayanna in horrible distress. "This is an outrage! You can't outlaw catnip!"
"There was a low growl from behind the companions, and Ayanna found herself lifted off Kahn's back by her neck. She was turned to observe a face set with a bewildering array of teeth.
"He means you, Speckles," Shark said, and pulled Ayanna's flask from her waistband. He passed it to Thunderwolf and said "Here precious, will you dispose of this?"
"Glady," the insane lion said. He took the flask, bit the cap and neck off, spat both on the ground and drained the contents.
Shark dropped the sputtering, outraged cheetah on her tail. Thunderwolf threw the flask onto the ground beside her and snorted. Together they both walked through the crowd to the stage up front.
"What you have just witnessed here," Rivero said over the microphone, "Is our new enforcement arm, which I call 'the Unbearables'. This crack team includes Thunderwolf, Shark and Fuzzball, and is led by my devoted Mistress of All Evil in Denial, Lady Thundera."
The members of the Unbearables came together on stage. From near the front, a youthful hormone-laden voice yelled, "First Hillary on health care, now this!"
Lady Thundera gestured and Thunderwolf and Shark sprang from the stage. At the back, Ayanna, Kahn and Fianna could not see anything, but the sound of breaking bones and cries of "Not the ribs, they're new!" gave them a pretty good idea of who was getting bludgeoned.
Lady Thundera stepped to the microphone. "I am not evil," she said. "You brought that on yourself, Lucifer Daimou, admit it."
Thunderwolf and Shark dragged the bruised, misshapen and bleeding teen onto the stage and dumped him at LT's feet.
"Blghptthh," he sputtered, bits of bloody saliva getting on LT's boot.
"See everyone? He admits it," LT announced, the put a boot against LD's head and pushed the teem off the stage. He landed on the ground with a crunchy thud.
"Now then," LT said. "As the Goddess of All Good, it is my job to ensure we all follow the letter of the law perfectly. Therefore, any imperfections will be dealt with in a swift and horrific manner. Remember everyone, suffering makes you a better person!"
"The first offense shall be death," she announced. "Second offense-"
"How the hell can there be a second offense if you're already dead?" Kamanchee blurted out.
Lady Thundera smiled kindly at the Brit, then said, "Fuzzy, would you explain the principle for Mister Rude Interruptor here?"
Fuzzball snapped off a salute, then whipped out an uzi and opened up on the Englishman. Kam shrieked in pain and dropped in a spray of blood.
Nobody moved. Fuzzball tapped his gun aginst the side of his leg, humming the theme to the "Pink Panther" lightly.
"Dead-Ant, dead-Ant, dead-Ant dead-Ant dead-Ant."
Kamanchee sat up with a startled shriek. "That little sod shot me! He, he, hey I'm not dead!"
"Nobody dies here," Lady Thundera explained. "Although the experience is not always that pleasant."
"Pleasant?!" Kam squawcked. "That was anything BUT pleas, uh, hmm. I think I see your point. I'll be quiet now."
"Good," Lady Thundera grinned. "Because the second offense will be painful death, the third excruciating death, and so on."
"That is all! You may return to your regularly scheduled lives," RD announced, then the Unbearables disappeared.
Fianna looked around at the dismayed felines in the group and chuckled. "Glad I'm a dog," he said. "No such thing as dognip, and stout is still legal."
"It's not right," Kahn said with a shake of his massive head. "A person should be able to have a little catnip now and then without having these jokers harrassing them. What do you think, Ayanna?"
"What do I think?" the cheetah said, and something in her voice made the two warriors turn and look. The cheetah's eyes were alight with something that made Kahn frown and Fianna grin.
"I think that catnip is an inalienable right!" she growled. "Just because mister high-and-mighty RD Rivero says no more 'nip doesn't mean anything! I still have my stash of plants and seeds, and I intend to keep on brewing my tea and selling it to any cat that wants some!"
"Of course, there'll have to be a hefty markup, given the risks and all," Fianna said, his grin transforming into his trademark sloppy smile.
Now Kahn caught the idea. "Hey Ayanna, aren't you going to need some help? Maybe a little muscle if Rivero starts to close in?"
"You want in?" Ayanna said. Both of the fighters nodded enthusiastically. "Okay, you're in. We'll meet in an hour to discuss operations. Oh, and don't call me Ayanna anymore; from now on, I'm...Spotface!"
TBC
********
I'm having way too much fun with this :)
The Unbearables
Part 2
The door to the office swung open and the Spotface mob came inside. Kahn entered first, and behind him came Fianna. A leather-clad human was draped over the dog's shoulder, swearing profusely.
"Who the hell do you think you are?! I demand to be set down this instant!" Kamanchee yelled.
"Put him down Fianna," Spotface said from behind her desk. The dog grinned and flopped the Brit onto the ground with a thud.
Kamanchee opened his mouth to complain further, then caught sight of Ayanna. The cheetah was clad in a gray suit coat, a gray fedora and a red power tie.
"Oh, now this is too rich," the Englishman chortled. "What's this about? I promised Columbia House I'd pay for those tapes..."
"You know what it's about," Spotface hissed. "You and your Cake Cartel are muscleing in on our territory!"
"Cake?" Kam said nervously. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a simple pastry chef-"
"Yeah, and I'm into herbal medicine," Kahn snorted.
"That was pretty funny Kahn," Spotface grinned. "Why aren't you laughing Kam? Fianna, see if you can help our friend find his sense of humor."
Kam tried to bolt, but the caninoid caught him before he got two steps. The massive green warrior turned the Brit upside-down, dangling him one-handed by his right foot. With his free hand, Fianna pried Kamanchee's boot off, exposing the sock-clad foot beneath.
"Gootchie-gootchie," Fianna snickered.
"No! NO! Anything but THAT! NOOOO!!" Kam wailed as the dog began to tickle his foot mercilessly.
The Spotface mob roared with laughter as the Englishman wailed and thrashed and screamed helplessly. After a full minute of tickling, Fianna stopped and looked at Ayanna.
"Think he's learned his lesson Spotface?" the caninoid asked.
"I dunno. Let's ask him," the cheetah replied. "Learned your lesson yet, Ant? Or do I let my dog keep going?"
"I give up...please...no more...just tell me what you want..." the Englishman wheezed.
At Spotface's nod, Fianna dropped the Brit on his head. Kam yelped as he hit the ground, then slowly sat up.
"Here's the deal," Spotface snarled. "The Wollos, Cat's Lair and the Maiden Forest are OUR territory. You and the Ferocious Females can have the Berbil village."
"But the Berbils don't eat cake," Kam protested weakly. "They're robots, they don't eat anything! They just grow it for some bloody reason!"
"S.E.P," Fianna said.
"Wha'?" Kam grunted.
"Somebody Else's Problem," Kahn elaborated.
"Stay off our turf," Ayanna warned. "Or next time, we keep going till you pee your pants. Got it?"
"Yes ma'am," Kam sighed.
"Good! Kahn, show him the way out," Spotface said.
"Move it, Limey," Kahn growled at Kamanchee.
"This isn't the last you've heard of me!" Kam yelled defiantly.
Three steely glares bore down on him. Three sets of menacing growls echoed around the room.
"Right. Well, maybe it is then," the Brit said resignedly and marched out the door, Kahn close behind.
When they were gone, Fianna turned to Spotface. "So how is business?"
"Good," Ayanna replied. "We've got most of the catnip trade sewn up, and the Unbearables are too busy running down small-time to pester us. Did you know Silky tried to whack Lady Thundera?"
"Slinky Avenger?!" Fianna said incredulously.
"Not Slinky, Silky," she corrected him. "Drive-by fruiting. Nailed two Berbils and Wilykat. The Berbils bought it, but Kat has been seen trying to pimp his sister for fruit money."
"I have a hunch that didn't break Rivero's heart," Fianna snickered. "What about Slinky Avenger?"
"She's brought Axelle on board as an enforcer," the cheetah grumbled. "That could be worse though."
Fianna's brows knitted at the idea of a dangerous assassin working for the reptilian ganglord. "How could it possibly be worse?" he asked.
"I don't know exactly," Ayanna admitted. "Just theoretically, you know? Like that and a giant meteor about to squash us, that could be worse."
"Just barely," Fianna growled. "Axe is smart, skilled, and worst of all, underutilized. She's itching to kill somebody, and those curs from my last riff just whett her appetite."
The door opened as Kahn came back. Beside him was Christina Aguilara, holding a chilled pitcher of catnip tea.
"ReeFREEEEEeessshhhmentsssah!" she wailed.
Fianna winced and covered his ears till the yodel had stopped. He looked at Kahn and said, "Sure I can't talk you into Catherine Zeta-Jones?"
"Naw, too old and too pregnant in that movie," the siberian grinned. "Besides, you should hear her when we--"
"Trust me, we all do," Spotface growled. They probably hear you all the way to the ATB."
Kahn grinned smugly.
********
At the sound of the knock, a tiny slide opened six feet up the door. Red Thundercat eyes looked out at the gold eyes of the nincompoop seeking entrance.
"What's the password?" Panthro growled.
"The only reason I don't come through the wall is, I don't like showing off," Fianna grinned.
"The hell you don't," Panthro complained, then slid the hatch shut and opened the door.
The Spotface mob filed into the Cat's Lair basement speakeasy. The room was large and filled to capacity with felinoids, felines and sundry others with a taste for contraband catnip. The Big Bad Voodoo Daddies were at the front, playing their signature tune, modified slightly for the audience.
"So I'll think about my next drink," the lead singer slurred. "And it's you and me and the catnip tea tonight!"
Out on the dance floor, Cheetara and Pumyra boogied in classic flapper outfits, while males from many species cheered them on. Fianna looked around and spotted Thundera Tiger and Tygra seated at a table across the room.
"Evening folks," the caninoid said. "And doesn't ol' Silky Stripes look good in that pink fedora?"
Thundera Tiger, wrapped in an ill-fitting flapper costume cut for her quadraped form, narrowed her eyes dangerously at the caninoid.
"If I end up doing a Charleston at any point in this story, I swear I am going to eat your liver."
Tygra looked up, his eyes redder than usual and unfocused.
"Fianna, good to see you old buddy!" the tiger rasped.
"Ye cats, you are high aren't you?" Fianna chuckled. "What have you been smoking?"
"These," the Thundercat said, producing a catnip cigarette. Fianna took it, looked it over, sniffed it and almost gagged.
"What the hell stinks?!" he gasped, his eyes watering.
"Formaldehyde," the tigeroid grinned. "You dip 'em. It's one hell of a high."
Fianna stared at Tygra. "Are you nuts?!" he barked. "That stuff makes asbestos look like air freshener! Where did you get an idiot idea like that?!"
"Saw it on 'Dateline', they did a whole half hour on it," the Thundercat giggled. "Like an infomercial, man! Alot the Mundane kids are doing it."
Fianna nodded. "I saw that one. I remember thinking these kids were doing the species a favor by eliminating themselves before they got to breed. Reduces the stupidity level."
Tygra burst out in laughter. "You're so FUUUUNnnEEE!" the tigeroid cackled. He kept laughing until his eyes rolled up and he slid out of his chair and under the table.
Thundera Tiger sighed. "Is he dead again?" she asked.
Across the bar, Kahn and Spotface were kicked back and sipping tea, relaxing and enjoying the tunes. Then there was a crash from the bar door, and Panthro burst into the room.
"My eye! My eye!" the Thundercat yelled. A small Pointy Stick (tm) jutted from between the fingers of his right hand, clapped over his face. The Thundercat staggered a few more feet, then collapsed onto the floor.
Slinky Avenger strode boldly into the room. Behind her came Lucifer Daimou and Axelle. Instantly Kahn and Spotface were off their seats and facing their rivals.
"What's the problem, sweethaats?" Slinky said in her best Cagney, which wasn't all that great. "Youse mugs look like you ain't happy to see us."
"'Course we are," Spotface said. "We were just talking about our good friends in the Slinky mob, weren't we Kahn?"
"Yeah. In fact," the siberian commented. "We were just admiring your ability to sell catnip without any apparent grow operation."
"Or how Lady Thundera and her thugs always seem to overlook your business by Castle Plundarr, practically under their noses!" Ayanna accused.
"You know what I think?" Slinky said brightly. "I think asking so many questions ain't healthy for a cat, is it boys?"
"Yeah, curiosity and stuff," LD piped up.
"So why don't we show these two what happens to curious cats?" Axelle said through her permanently bemused half-smile.
Hands flew behind backs as everyone in the bar scattered--
"Freeze."
Nobody moved. Then Spotface and Kahn smiled, prompting Slinky to look over her shoulder. Fianna was there, a weapon reminiscent of a Star Trek phaser in his hand, covering the three interlopers.
"Uh-oh," LD said nervously.
"That's right, little brother," the caninoid said. "It's a fun gun, just like the one I gave Fuzzball. One wrong move out of you and I'll have Slinky mooning the ATB, you doing pull-ups with your ears, and--"
He broke off, turned the weapon slightly to the right and added, "Axe, if that whistle gets one centimeter closer to your lips, you're gonna be standing on stage singing 'Achy Breaky Heart' with your underwear on your head,"
The assassin grinned and slipped her whistle back into her shirt pocket. "Spoilsport," she said.
"Shows what you know! I was gonna moon the ATB tonight anyway!" Slinky groused. "Okay nincompoop, you got the drop on me. My mother got the drop on me once...once!"
The Slinky mob left the bar, Fianna covering them all the way to the parking lot. After a few moments the dog returned, holstered his weapon and said, "They're gone."
Kahn and Spotface relaxed visibly. Spotface took her tea from the bar, slammed it back and said, "Okay 'youse mugs', let's get gone. We have alot of catnip to move tomorrow."
TBC
*******
The insanity, whoops, I mean the inanity continues!
The Unbearables
Part 3
Kahn opened the door of the Spotface mob's base and clicked the light on with a swat of his tail. The other two 'nip runners filed in behind the tiger, hanging trenchcoats and hats on the rack by the door.
"I do like these duds," Fianna said, snapping his suspenders againt his white button-down shirt. "People knew how to dress back in the twenties."
"Maybe it's okay for you," Spotface said. "As a cheetah I look pretty silly in a tie. I'd rather have a nice little tail-ring to match my belt.
Fianna opened the small office fridge and removed a can of stout and a bottle of 'nip tea for his employer. He poured the tea into a bowl and set it in lapping range of the cat, then considered her last remark.
"Woodstock?" he said.
Ayanna drank some tea, shot the dog a glare and said, "Snoopy! What's that supposed to mean?"
Fianna grinned and said nothing. The dog began to drink his stout when Kahn's scream echoed through the chamber, making them both spew beverages across the room.
"Kahn!" Spotface yelled, and together they ran down the hall to the back of the base.
"Somebody's gonna pay for this!" Kahn roared. The siberian was in a defensive crouch, his head swiveling, nostrils flaring as he scented the air. Beside him on the ground was Christina Aguilara, dead from a single gunshot to the forehead.
Kahn cast a grieved glance at his blonde back-scratcher and said, "I can't believe she's dead!"
"Neither can I," Fianna muttered quietly to Spotface. "I didn't think there was anything in her head to injure."
Suddenly the bathroom door crashed open, and there stood Fuzzball, armed to the teeth and beyond. "Say goodnight, Gracie!" the law-snarf bellowed and opened up, spraying the room with gunfire.
"Back here!" Fianna yelled, diving behind the couch. The other two cats joined him in an instant. Bullets punched easily through the sofa material, missing them by millimeters.
"'Back here!' he says," Kahn snarled. “Nice cover, biscuit-breath!"
Fianna grimaced as a shell whipped past his nose. He grabbed the bottom of the couch and with his trademark strength threw the heavy piece of furniture away from them, towards Fuzzball.
The snarf cackled madly, blasting away. He was so caught up in the moment that he did not realize immediately that his bullets were going through the sofa, instead of stopping it.
"SHIT!" he yelled and leapt backwards, barely keeping a hundred pounds of Value City's best from landing on top of him.
"THE JIG IS UP! RUN FOR IT!!" Ayanna yelled and bolted out the door. She was halfway down the hall when Shark charged out of an adjoining room and grabbed her up by the nape of the neck.
"The punishment for catnip is death," the icthyoid hissed, smiling as the cheetah thrashed helplessly in his powerful hands. "In this case, by digestion."
Spotface's eyes widened in horror as Shark's face, neck and body began to metamorphose. In seconds the humanoid had lost most of his human features, instead coming to resemble something out of "Street Sharks". He opened his powerful jaws, gripped the thrashing, screaming cheetah with both hands, and slammed her into his mouth.
Ayanna twisted and rolled, putting her back on Shark's tounge while bracing all four feet against the roof of his mouth. But the pressure climbed steadily, inexorably.
Oh God! she thought as her knees started to buckle. Not only am I going to die, I'm gonna have to regenerate from a pile of poop!
Then she was flying through the air as a mighty gust of breath spat her from Shark's maw. The cheetah collided with the opposite wall and hit the floor, shaken but otherwise unhurt. She looked back to see Sher Kahn locked in a deadly struggle with the merman.
Kahn seemed to have the advantage being larger and stronger than Shark even in his hybrid mode. But what he lacked in size, Shark compensated for with pure fury. Even as she watched, Shark braved the tiger's two-inch claws to drive in and clamp his jaws on the feline's shoulders, eliciting a howl of pain from Kahn. As Shark clung to him, Kahn tore at the merman with his hind legs, trying to gut the fish.
Ayanna cast around, looking for some way to help, then heard a crash from the office. Realizing reinforcements were coming, she took the better part of valor and dove through the window and out into the night. As she dashed away she heard Fuzzball yell, "Freeze, sucker! You’ll make lousy drapes with holes all over your ass!"
*******
"How did the raid go, officer Fuzzball? Were all of the objectives met?"
Fuzzball looked at Lady Thundera and snorted. "Kinda. We got Sher Kahn and captured all of the Spotface mob's catnip. And I whacked Christina Aguilara"
LT nodded. "At least we'll be able to sleep tonight. And Spotface herself?"
"She gave us the slip, but don't worry. Without her grow operation she's out of business."
LT considered this, then said quietly, "Fianna?"
Fuzzy looked a little sheepish. "Well, he uh, umm..."
LT began to rub her right fingertips against the desktop. "Did you catch him Fuzzy? Did you kill him?"
"Er, no. He got away."
There was a grinding sound as LT's nails tore strips out of the wood of the desk, but her expression never changed.
"How?" she asked mildly.
"Well, we had Thunderwolf stationed outside specifically in case Fianna ran through a wall to try and escape," he said. "We think he went after Ayanna when she jumped through the window, and that's when Fianna got the drop on him."
"How is he?" LT asked.
"When we found him, he was standing in a patch of moonlight with his underwear on his head singing 'Let Me Call You Sweetheart'," the snarf said. "The fun-gun effect should wear off in about twenty more hours, but until then he's pretty much useless."
LT got up from behind the desk, and looked at her wall-mounted viewscreen. The camera outside was set to provide a simple nature scene, the "window" the Unbearables' underground base was denied.
"What steps shall we take now, Fuzzy?" she asked.
"Personally, I took polaroids," the snarf replied. "You can never have enough blackmail material."
"I mean, steps to finish off this catnip cartel," she said. "To eliminate the Spotface mob completely."
Fuzzy canted his head and grinned. "You mean nail Fianna, don't you? Well Kahn's his buddy, so odds are he's gonna come here to try and rescue him. When he does, we whack him like a trucker running over a cocker spaniel."
"Very well Fuzzy. Carry on," she said mildly, still looking at the sunny day on the viewscreen.
In the anteroom, Shark was waiting. The icthyoid as swathed in bandages from the mauling Kahn gave him.
"How did she take it?" he asked.
********
Inside the office, Lady Thundera opened the bottom right drawer of her desk and removed a colorful blister-wrap package, emblazoned with the words, "TCATGR, THE MOVIE". She tore the blister off, removed the contents and set the item on her desk.
It was a replica of Fianna, an action figure produced by the same company that manufactered the "X-Men" toys. This could be seen readily by the doll's distorted outline, incorrect coloring and ridiculous snarl that looked more constipated than ferocious.
LT removed another object from the drawer, then sat down and contemplated the doll for several moments. Then she swung up a ten-pound baby sledgehammer and smashed it to tiny, tiny fragments with a single blow, cracking the wooden desktop with the impact.
Her eyes were wide, her lips clamped together in a manic, twisted grin. A high nasal giggle seemed to escape through her nostrils. She stared at the fragments a few moments longer, then put her hammer back in the drawer and fished around a few more moments.
She came up with another Fianna doll, an ashtray and a can of lighter fluid.
********
Walking down the hall from the office, Fuzzy and Shark heard the bang of the hammer and jumped.
Fuzzy grinned evilly. "How did she take it?" he repeated Shark's question back to him. "I don't think I'd like to be Fianna just now."
********
Just then, Fianna wasn't very happy being Fianna either.
His confrontation with Thunderwolf had not gone quite as Fuzzball had guessed. The caninoid had indeed crashed through the base wall as soon as Fuzzy stopped firing, and had indeed run straight into Thunderwolf. He'd drawn his fun-gun clear of the holster when TW tagged him in the arm with his mace, knocking the weapon from his hand.
Disarmed, with an insane lion in a baby-blue double-breasted suit chasing him, Fianna had run in frantic circles around the yard, Thunderwolf's mace whipping the air just inches from his head.
Then Ayanna, having come through the window, heard the racket. Feeling guilty about abandoning Kahn to the Unbearables, she'd picked up the fun-gun with her teeth and blasted Thunderwolf as he ran by.
The underwear and song, however, had been entirely Fianna's idea.
"OW!" the dog yelped as Spotface poured a bottle of methiolate over the torn flesh of his upper right arm. "Damn, that stings!"
"Don't be such a puppy," Ayanna scolded. "It's all in your head."
They were hiding out in the Maidens' woods, in the treehouse Kahn and Fianna had shared while Thundera Tiger had been in Mundania. The first-aid kit had yielded the antiseptic, a box of gauze, and some aspirin so old they were furry.
"I remember the first time I heard Metallica's 'Enter Sandman'," Fianna said as he wrapped gauze around the wound. "You know the line, ' in your closet, in your head,'? It never occurred to me what an awful thing that was to say to a little kid."
"You think too much," Spotface said. "It keeps getting you in trouble."
"Right now I think we should rescue Sher Kahn," the caninoid said.
"See? There you go thinking again," Spotface said as she turned three times and settled onto the bare wood floor of the hut.
Fianna chuffed softly. "And I suppose you have another idea?"
"Yep," Ayanna said. "Make...the call."
Fianna, who had been considering gulping the aspirin down despite their condition, jumped slightly and dropped the pills.
"Are you sure, Spotface?" he asked seriously. "Once I make...the call, there's no going back."
"It's out of our hands now," the cheetah said. "The Unbearables are too strong to take on by ourselves."
Fianna nodded and dug out his palmtop. As he fired up the email program, Ayanna thought about the experiences of the day, particularly her discusion with Kahn in the bar.
And suddenly she knew. It all fit too perfectly.
"Fianna," she said, getting the nincompoop's attention. "Finish making...the call, and then get ready to move out!"
“We’re going after Kahn?”
“No! We’re going after the Slinky mob!”
TBC
*********
Dedicated to Axelle...or more specifically, to provoking Axelle :)
The Unbearables
Part 4
The swamp around Castle Plundarr would never be mistaken for "prime development land", although RD Rivero had made a small fortune selling parcels of it to the Wollos as such. It was a humid, sulfurous mass of rotting and unnaturally-shaped vegetation. Every insect bit or stung, most of them large enough that they didn't have to sneak around to suck blood; they just knocked their victim down and took what they wanted.
The Slinky mob's hideout was located in the swamp, just beyond the moat of Castle Plundarr. The remnants of the Spotface mob made their way towards it, in the hour just before dawn. Fianna led the way, Spotface bringing up the rear.
"AAAAIIIIEEEE!" Fianna suddenly screamed shrilly.
"WHAT?! WHAT?!" Ayanna screamed back in panic.
The massive caninoid was spinning like a top, his huge arms thrashing at his own body, slapping himself with fear-crazed speed and ferocity.
"Spider web! Spiders!" the caninoid yiped. "Isitonme?! Isitonme?!"
"Hold still, you big puppy!" Ayanna yelled. The nincompoop stopped, eyes wide with terror, his whole body trembling with enough force to make nearby trees shiver.
"There it is, on your nose," Spotface said. Fianna's right hand flew up and smashed across his face with such force his hat flew off. The caninoid staggered backwards on wobbly legs; he'd nearly knocked himself unconscious.
Ayanna grinned. "Consider that payback for tying me to that stop sign pole. Now let's get moving, if you can still walk."
She continued on while Fianna followed clumsily.
********
The Slinky encampment was small, a cluster of shacks surrounded by a chain-link fence. The largest was set aside as living quarters and office space.
Axelle leaned against the desk in Slinky's office, wondering if she'd made a mistake. The air conditioner hummed from the wall in a demonstration of mechanical futility as sweat crawled down the assassin's back and stained the armpits of her shirt.
I should have hooked up with Spotface, she thought to herself. At least the air conditioning worked. And everyone was somewhat sane.
On the floor in front of her, Lucifer Daimou was playing Ants in the Pants, the old Fisher-Price game. He'd long ago lost all of the ants; however, there were plenty of big fat black ants running around in the swamp, so whenever he felt like playing, he just went out and caught a bunch of them.
Axelle recognized them from her courses in jungle warfare: bullet ants. An inch long, they were highly venomous, and so aggressive they made fire ants look like dead Quakers. She sat on the desk and pulled her legs up as one hastened by, stopping to hiss at her as it went.
"Sure you don't wanna play, Deadly Killer Lady?" LD asked, looking at her from a face covered with blisters and welts. His voice had the faint wheeze of incipient anaphelactic shock.
Just then the door opened and Slinky Avenger came inside. She walked over and through the hissing ants without any concern, coming to her desk and sitting down. She saw an ant scuttling across the desk, and her tounge snapped out a good twenty inches, adhering to the ant, and then snapped back into her mouth.
"Chewy," Slinky said, noticing Axe's wide-eyed stare.
Axe fought down the bile that was working up her throat. Trying to concentrate on business, she said, "So how do things look?" Axe asked.
Slinky grinned. "Well sweethaat, with dose mugs in da Spotface mob outta da way, it looks like weez in da clear."
Axe raised an eyebrow. "Could you translate that into English?"
"We got the catnip trade sewed up," Slinky said. "We own the ass of every nipped out feline in the TCATGR! WE ARE GODS HERE!!!"
Windows shattered and the ants began to hiss with renewed energy.
"Sorry," Slinky said with a shrug.
"Now I know how Fianna felt," Axe said, massaging her ears. "So am I out of a job or what?"
"Heck no!" Slinky chirped. "Fianna and Ayanna are still on the loose. You gotta whack those two before you're finished."
"Ah, a mission at last ," Axe grinned. "So what are you paying me anyway?"
"Two sticks of slightly-used bubble gum and all the catnip you can carry."
Axe considered this, then said, "Hell, why not? I need the practice. But, uh keep the gum."
********
The second-largest shed in the compound was the catnip storehouse, equipped with a large lock on the large door. Fianna looked carefully around, then took the lock in his right hand and pulled with increasing force until the entire latch mechanism tore out of the wood.
"You still haven't told me why you wanted to come out here," Fianna said as he and Spotface entered the darkened shed. Light spread out before them, and Fianna looked down to find Ayanna wearing a diver's lamp on her head.
"I've got an idea," she said. "If I'm right, it may bring down the Slinky mob, the Unbearables, even RD himself!"
They came to the back of the shed and found dozens of bales of catnip, stacked high and deep.
"Okay, I don't know what you're hoping to find but, hey, pay attention!" Fianna said as the light went out.
Spotface yanked her head back out of a catnip bale. Her light was askew and her eyes were slightly unfocused.
"Sorry, too much to resist," she slurred, then dashed off over the bales. Fianna sat down on one with a resigned sigh and waited.
A moment later there was a joyful whoop and Ayanna came charging back down, a rolled piece of paper in her mouth. She hit the floor with a skid then ran to Fianna and dropped the paper in front of him.
"It's just what I suspected!" she said proudly. "It's all a conspiracy! RD outlawed catnip to drive up the price, then commissioned his Unbearables to eliminate the competition and steal everybody else's supplies. Slinky is his secret outlet to the 'nip market on the street."
"How do you know this?" Fianna asked.
Ayanna nudged the paper. Fianna picked it up and unfolded it. At the top it said, "Packing Slip". Below this was a hand-written message.
"Dear Slink," Fianna read aloud. "Here is the catnip the Unbearables took from the Spotface mob at my command. Remember to mark up the price at least three hundred percent, since we control it all now. Hugs and kisses, RD." The caninoid blinked at the paper, then said, "Well, that's pretty convincing."
"Yeah, we, hey what's that noise?" Ayanna asked as a strange, irritating whistle penetrated her ears.
Fianna reacted as though the sound was penetrating his skull. The caninoid cried out in pain, his hands going to his ears. Twin flickers of silver flashed out of the darkness and slammed into the defenseless dog's chest. With a grunt of suprise Fianna toppled backwards over his catnip bale. Only his wingtips were visible, and they weren't moving.
The whistle stopped, and the lights came on overhead. Axelle stood by the switch, her dog whistle hanging from her lips like a cigarette.
"'Achey Breaky Heart' indeed!" she snorted.
"You!" Spotface yelled.
Axelle put her whistle in her shirt pocket, reached beneath her jacket and produced a set of Tanto fighting knives.
"Vee!" she said with a smile as she advanced on the cheetah. "Double-you and ex, why, Zhie."
"Back off, you pretentious chimp!" the cheetah snapped. "You're no match for my speed!"
Axe hesitated, then said, "Do me a favor: try not to beg for mercy. A true artist does not suffer distractions lightly."
Despite herself, Ayanna was rattled by Axe's sheer confidence, as though the cheetah were already stuffed and mounted in the assassin's trophy room. But Axe kept coming, and Spotface knew she'd have to strike first if she wanted to strike last as well.
The cheetah tore across the remaining distance between them and launched herself at Axelle's head. Axe's smile never wavered; the entire face vanished, and Ayanna felt a stitchery of fire erupt in her soft underbelly. She screamed in pain and landed sloppily, her legs going out from under her as she skidded across the floor, leaving a trail of red in her wake.
Ayanna staggered to her feet. She was afraid to look beneath herself, afraid she'd find her own bowels trailing on the floor beneath her. But when she steeled herself and looked, she saw only a series of thin scratches, running from breastbone to groin, then outward to each hind foot.
"That's where I'll make the cuts when I skin you," Axe commented mildly. "You're going to make a lovely toilet seat cover."
Ayanna looked up snarling, then suddenly smiled. Axe registered the change a fraction of a second too late. Then a large, loosely-packed bale of catnip slammed down over her head, stunning her and pinning her arms to her sides.
Axe staggered away from her attacker, still wearing the bale, spitting out catnip and shaking it from her hair. When she reeled around to see who had committed this affrontery, she found Fianna. The caninoid's shirt sported two holes, one for each lung. Through the fabric, metal glinted.
"Chain mail," the nincompoop said with a wide grin. "Don't leave home without it."
Axelle's trademark Mona Lisa smile never faltered, but her eyes narrowed dangerously.
"You are roadkill on the highway when I get loose, buster!" she growled. "Remember that sonic emitter I used in my story? I still have the chair and all the straps in the prop room. You are so dead!"
Fianna grinned, his golden eyes alight with mischief. "But to do that you'd have to leave off your current project and write a riff."
"Is that a dare, mister?" Axe said, her eyes shooting daggers at the dog.
"Why, now that you mention it, I believe it is!" Fianna chuckled. Then the caninoid grabbed the squawking assassin by the bale and sat her in the corner, piling enough catnip on top of her to ensure she'd be stuck until the story ended.
When he was finished, he turned to find Ayanna looking at him strangely.
"What?" he said.
"You're not nuts, are you?" she asked.
Fianna grinned and started towards the door.
"You're not suicidal either," she said with growing conviction. She bounded in front of the dog and sat down, bringing him to a halt. "You just do this stuff to keep people involved and interested, so they don't drift away."
Fianna shrugged and walked around the cheetah, saying, "It's my way of showing appreciation for my friends, that's all."
"It really bugs you when somebody leaves, doesn't it?" Ayanna said.
Fianna kept walking. After a moment, Spotface followed.
TBC
********
The Unbearables
Part 5
Dawn was breaking as Spotface and Fianna slipped away from the Slinky hideout and hurried down the road towards safety.
"What now, boss?" Fianna asked.
"We have to get that paper to the press," Ayanna said. "Once Cheezey and April O'Neal get ahold of it, RD will be forced to repeal his catnip ban, or face charges himself!"
"What about Kahn?" the dog said worriedly.
"He'll be alright," Spotface said with a confidence she didn't feel. "He, hey, I hear something."
In front of them the brush suddenly rattled and the Unbearables sprang onto the road, Shark and Thunderwolf in front, Fuzzball behind.
"Ah-HA!" they yelled.
The Spotface mob blinked. "'Ah-HA'?" Ayanna asked. "Couldn't you think of anything better than 'Ah-HA'?"
Shark grinned. "You're right, that was kind of weak. How about we discuss it over lunch?" Then the ichthyoid took a step towards Ayanna.
"Back off, Shark, or else!" Fianna barked.
"Or else what?" the ichthyoid hissed as Ayanna hid behind Fianna's leg.
"Or else, THIS!" Fianna yelled, and produced a sewing needle, which he held aloft for everyone to see.
The Unbearables began to laugh riotousley, while Fianna looked indignant.
"So what are you going to do, burst my bubble?" Shark giggled with eyes streaming, setting off a new round of laughter.
In response, Fianna took the needle and winced as he poked his thumb with it, then held it out to Shark.
"Look," the caninoid said. Shark looked at the drop of green blood on the caninoid's thumb, gasped and fainted.
"HEY!" Thunderwolf roared, holding his mace up menacingly. "Wha'd you do to him?!"
"Never send a killer who faints at the sight of blood," Fianna chuckled.
"YAAAAAHHH!" Thunderwolf bellowed and charged at the dog. Fianna watched him come, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet. When Thunderwolf had closed within striking distance the caninoid lunged at him, grabbed the waistband of the underwear on the lion's head and yanked it over his eyes.
"Dammit Thunderwolf, get down! I can't get a-aaaaaagh!" Fuzzy screamed as Fianna ducked, grabbed the blinded lion's ankles and upended him, sending him toppling over onto the snarf.
Fianna and Ayanna raced past the fallen warriors. Within a few minutes they ducked into the underbrush and made their way to a nearby hideout, a large hollow tree that stood out of sight of the road.
Listening, they heard the angry yells of the Unbearables as they beat the bushes looking for the fugitives. Eventually though, RD's henchmen cursed their ill-fortune and left to hunt for beer instead.
"Close," Fianna commented, then said, "Cheezey and April O'Neal both have branch offices in Cat's Lair. I guess that's our destination then."
********
In the Unbearables' offices, Lady Thundera was admiring her handiwork. On her desk was a Weeble treehouse playset. From one of the large branches hung a piece of cord tied into a miniscule noose. From this hung a Fianna action figure, it's plastic neck cracked and bent to produce a realistic angle of dangle.
LT smiled blissfully to herself, occasionally reaching out to give the action figure a bump with her finger.
"Swing in the breeze, you son of a b--" she was cut off by the ringing of the telephone.
"Hello?" she asked.
"Fuzzball here," came the snarfish voice. "Bad news. We ran into them near the Slinky hideout, but they gave us the slip."
"Oh, how disappointing" she said, then started violently. "Fuzzy, where did you say you are calling from?"
"The Slinky hideout, why?"
"Why?! WHY?! Because if they were there, then they KNOW!" She screamed into the mouthpiece.
"Well, duh," Fuzzy grumbled. One of these days..., he thought.
"Nevermind that now. Get everyone together and go to Cat's Lair immediately. That has to be where their going," LT said. "When they show up, take them prisoner. If they resist, kill them. And Fuzzy? No more slips!"
The line went dead in Fuzzball's hand. The snarf looked at the reciever through narrow, dangerous eyes.
********
Spotface and Fianna burst out of the woods near Cat's Lair, running at full speed for the moat.
"Oh crud," Wilykat said, sitting in the control room with the other Thundercats. "Two authors, closing fast."
"Want me to blast them?" Panthro asked Lion-O.
"Isn't that one Fianna?" Lion-O asked.
Panthro stared at Lion-O a moment then said, "Want me to blast them?"
"You don't have to, Panthro," Tygra said, checking the readout. "There are Rivero's cronies coming in from the west. Oops, looks like Fianna and the cheetah are down."
"One more vehicle coming in now," Cheetara observed. Suddenly klaxons wailed and red emergency lights came on all over the Lair.
"We have Rivero sign, repeat, RD Rivero is nearing Cat's Lair!" Cheetara yelled, her arms crossing protectively over her breasts.
Lion-O shuddered in terror, both hands snapping over his groin. The Thundertwins looked at each other, screamed and ran off the bridge in opposite directions. Panthro rose a full two inches in his seat as his buttocks clamped together.
"Tygra!" Lion-O yelled. "Get to the Sword Chamber and lock yourself in!"
"No good, he's gone fetal," Panthro observed. Lion-O looked in horror to find his friend and teacher curled under his seat, arms wrapped around his legs, staring glassy-eyed at nothing as he sucked his thumb. Curiously, as horrifying as it was, he also found it highly arousing.
"God damn you, RD Rivero!!!!" the Lord of the Thundercats wailed.
********
Out on the plain, Fianna and Spotface got slowly to their feet. The ground around them was chewed up by gunfire from the snarf marksman who, along with Thunderwolf and Shark, was rapidly closing on them.
"I've got the paper, I'll make a run for it!" Ayanna said.
Fianna shook his head. "You won't get ten feet. Just hang in there and be ready."
The three warriors stopped in front of them, weapons ready. Nobody moved or spoke as behind the Unbearables a groundcar rumbled rapidly towards them. The car skidded to a stop a few yards away, the doors swung open, and out stepped RD Rivero and Lady Thundera.
"Ah, well done my guardians of morality," RD said with a broad grin. "I see you have brought down these bloodthirsty fugitives from justice."
"You have been accused of trafficing in catnip," Lady Thundera said with a toothy smile. "Do you have anything to say before we impose sentence?"
"Yeah, what happened to our trial," Ayanna growled.
"Trial?" LT said. Her gaze became glassy and her face twitched for a second. Then she refocused and said, "We don't need any OJ, I mean, trial. Your guilt is obvious. Fuzzball?"
Fuzzy stepped up between the other two enforcers and produced a fully automatic twelve-gage shotgun. He raised this to his shoulder, braced his tail and took aim on Spotface's wide-eyed head.
"NOBODY MOVE!!"
Nobody moved. After a few seconds, the voice called out, "You, the midget with the beard and tail! Drop the street sweeper!"
Fuzzball bristled, then complied. At the sound of the shotgun hitting the ground, everyone turned slowly to see the newcomer. Emerging from the woods was a tall man in gray studded-leather armor and green leggings. Incongruously, he wore a black fedora and carried a Thompson sub-machine gun in each hand. He walked carefully towards the group, covering them as he advanced.
Suddenly Shark reached out and squeezed Thunderwolf's upper arm excitedly. "Ohmigod!" he cried. "Do you see who that is?!"
"Yes, yes!" Thunderwolf yelled. "It's KEVIN COSTNER!!!"
"AIIIEEEEEEE!!!" they squealed.
"Took you long enough," Fianna called amiably to the star of "The Untouchables".
"Sorry, I was on the set at Thundera Tiger's riff when I got...the Call," he replied. "I got here as fast as I could."
In the furor, nobody had noticed that two more figures had joined the group on the plain, until they made themselves known.
"Mister Costner, could I have a minute?" April O'Neal yelled.
"Mister Costner, could I have your children?!" Cheezey yelled. Both reporters stuck microphones in his face.
Costner stepped clear of them, keeping his guns trained on the Unbearables. "Perhaps you should ask Spotface what's happening here."
"I can answer that!" RD said hastily, stepping in front of the pair of newshounds. "After careful consideration of all data, I have determined it to be in the best interest of the club to retract my ruling on catnip, restoring it to full legal status."
"Fine Rivero, now MOVE!" April yelled, and shoved RD aside. "Kevin, I'll not only bear your children, I promise you boys!"
"He's an actor, April, not Tygra," Rivero grinned, rubbing his bruised ribs.
Lady Thundera stared blankly at the actor as Fianna and Ayanna walked over and joined him, laughing merrily. She watched as Fianna clapped him on the shoulder, as Ayanna cheerfully put the packing slip into his pocket, as Cheezey clung to his leg and licked his boot.
She snapped. Lady Thundera reached down and grabbed Fuzzball's shotgun off the ground, raised it to her shoulder and screamed "DIIIIIIE!"
Then her eyes rolled up and she collapsed as Thunderwolf brained her with his mace.
"Are you nuts?!" he yelled at the comatose Mistress of All Evil in Denial. "You might have hit Kevin!" Then he dropped his own weapon and ran to join the other hero worshippers.
********
A few hours later, the various teams gathered at their respective bases to watch the evening news. In an unusual turn of events, Stone Phillips was doing the anchor job.
"My name is Stone Phillips," the talking head said. "Filling in tonight for Cheezey the Lunatac, in the hospital recovering from a hair-snatching fight with Channel 6 reporter April O'Neal."
"Tonight's top story, TCATGR dictator RD Rivero has repealed the ban on catnip, citing overwhelming negative public opinion."
"In a related story, the former leader of the Unbearables, Lady
Thundera, has been charged as masterminding a conspiracy to steal all the catnip
in TCATGR and sell it back to the public at inflated prices. However, due to
her deteriorating mental condition, she has been pardoned by Rivero and
confined to the
"In entertainment news tonight, actor Kevin Costner, star of such films as 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves' and 'The Untouchables' has been seen in the area, fleeing the affections of several female, and at least two male, club members. When ace newshound Cheezey tackled the star to the ground, he had this to say:"
Eyes widened across the realm as the tv sets produced sounds of ripping clothes and panicked screams of, "Get off me you freaks! Help! Rape!" The scene then went back to Phillips.
"Woody Harrelson was also in town today, visiting local businesses to extol the potential of legalized hemp as a cheap, renewable source of fibers for paper, rope and clothing. Few noticed, and those who did were too busy smoking his samples to pay attention."
"And that's all for now. Once again, this is Stone Phillips. Goodnight, TCATGR."
The End.
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