Dedicated to Thundera Tiger. If this doesn’t get her attention, nothing will. Perhaps one day, she will forgive me...

Guard Duty

“Got any fives?” Sher Kahn asked.

“Nope, go fish,” Fianna replied. The Siberian tiger growled something unintelligible and began pawing clumsily at the deck, spilling the cards off the crude table and onto the wooden floor of the hut.

Ever since the move to the Warrior Maidens’ village, the members of the new-and-improved Team Tiger had been killing time, waiting for their leader to return from her duties in Mundania. Fianna and Kahn, as the largest and strongest of the group, had been assigned to bodyguard Tygra, who was snoring on the fur-covered bed by the wall.

Suddenly the door slammed open and two rowdy, sotted figures staggered into view.

“Hi guys!” they announced slurredly.

“WAAAAAUUUGH!” Tygra shrieked, leaping from the bed with such force his head punched through the thatch roof.

“LD, Benni,” Kahn said as Fianna went to pull the dangling Thundercat back through the ceiling. “You two look like you’ve been having fun.”

“Yep! And we haven’t even had sex yet!” LD exclaimed, then began a mighty belch. This was cut short when Benni’s own alchohol-fogged brain caught up with his statement and commanded her arm to elbow him hard in the gut.

Fianna finished dusting off the trembling Thundercat. “What are they doing here?!” he said. “They’re the enemy! Do something!”

“What do you suggest?” Kahn asked.

“I don’t know!” Tygra howled. “Just eat them! Isn’t that what you tigers do, eat people?! Eat them!”

“No way,” Kahn growled. “Teenagers are high in cholesterol. Besides, she’s a tiger too. What do you think I am, a cannibal?”

Tygra sputtered violently. “If my snookie-wookums were here, you wouldn’t speak to me like that!”

“Careful there, old fella,” Fianna said mildly. “Remember your condition...”

“What condition?” Benni asked.

“RD’s played a little, er, prank on the poor guy,” the caninoid elaborated. “In his present state, an erection tends to render him unconscious.”

Suddenly Kahn grinned viciously. “Yeah, you don’t dare say ‘Thundera Tiger’ around him.”

Everyone stood there staring at Tygra. He stared back.

“What?” he said.

Fianna scratched his chin, then brightened. “Willa!” he said.

Tygra looked at the caninoid and canted his head. “You’re getting wierder than usual,” he said.

“Nayda!” Kahn roared.

“Mandora!” Fianna yipped.

“Lady Thundera!” Kahn said.

“Monica Lewinsky!” Fianna barked, then noticed everyone staring at him. “Worth a shot,” he said with a shrug.

“I don’t get it,” Kahn said as LD and Benni sat down. “What gives?”

Fianna considered the Lord of Tiger Clan, then suddenly grinned as realization struck him.

“Lion-O!” he barked.

There was a loud ripping sound as Tygra’s member ripped open his pant leg and snapped upward with such force that it struck the Thundercat in the face, sending him reeling into the wall.

LD was reduced instantly into open hysterical laughter, while Benni suddenly jumped up and dashed from the room.

“I’m out of here!” she called in her trademark perfect diction. “I don’t want to be anywhere near you three when Thundera Tiger sees this!” Then she was gone.

Kahn joined the smirking caninoid and looked at the moaning Thundercat on the floor, his manhood jutting into the air like the mast of a ship. He grinned and said, “Wilykat!”

Tygra was jerked back to full consciousness as his member extended yet another six inches. The Thundercat howled piteously as the weight of it rolled him over, forcing Fianna and Kahn to step away. Tygra’s organ struck the floor with a room-shaking crash, rattling the dishes in the cupboard.

“How did you know?” Kahn asked Fianna

“Experience,” the caninoid grinned. “Just remember who’s behind it and it becomes obvious. Hey Tygra, you trying out for the caber toss or something?”

The Thundercat had staggered to his feet, clutching the base of his organ with both hands as though trying to keep the weight from pulling it from it’s moorings. “When...when my tiger sees this...” he gasped with exertion.

“Hey, let me try!” LD exclaimed. Everyone turned to face him, including Tygra.

“No!” the Thundercat wheezed. “Please...don’t!”

But the insane teen stormed ahead. “Paaaannnn-”

“LD! STOP!” Fianna yelped in sudden horror.

“SHIT!” Kahn yelled and leapt for the window.

“-throooo!” the youth howled.

********

Benni had reached the forest floor, and thought she heard LD’s voice from high above. She turned and looked up at the hut she had left to see what was happening.

There was a sudden crack of fractured wood and high above she saw the door of the hut fly off and go tumbling into space. Her eyes tracked the door for a moment, then were drawn back to the hut. More specifically, to the open void beyond the hut’s walkway, where she could see Lucifer Daimou howling like a maniac, dangling by both hands over the abyss from the end of some kind of pole.

She spoke quietly, almost reverently, her tone prayer-like. “Just remember, Thundera Tiger, I had absolutely nothing to do with this. Not one thing.” Then she walked quickly on.

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