::The camera opens on a scene of a large green caninoid clad in a red velvet robe and bunny slippers, sitting in a large wingback chair. He removes a churchwarden pipe from his chops and directs his attention to the camera::

Good evening, everyone! After the events of recent weeks, such as the conclusion of Thunderballs and Lady Thundera's revenge dramas, I wanted to take a few moments to address some issues that have arisen.

::The caninoid rose and reached behind his chair, hauling RD Rivero in view. The evil author is bound and gagged.::

The first thing I'd like to point out is that, although I enjoyed the story, I would never kill our Fearless Leader, RD. It's much more fun to keep him alive and torment him endlessly.

::The caninoid produced bundle of flowers and shoved them in the author's face.::

Here ya go, boss, just to show you there's no hard feelings!

::Within seconds, RD is reduced to red-eyed, runny-nosed coughing and sneezing. The caninoid looks off-camera.::

What's that, Angel? You say that's goldenrod, not daffodils? Well gee, I'm sure sorry about that mix up. ::Observes wretching author writhing on the ground in agony:: Hmm, somebody get that boy some Allegra.

::The caninoid moved off stage right, to a small table with a large bucket labeled "Muratic Acid"::

The next thing to be aware of is that we caninoids are acid-proof. You see, acid requires a base to interact with, and sophisticates that we are, there is nothing base about the Fianna species.

::To demonstrate, plunges hand into a acid, stirs it around for a moment, then removes it unscathed. He then walks on to a large metal sphere with a hatch in the front::

To further demonstrate, allow me to remind you all what happens when you expose something very base to acid.

::He reaches behind the spere and pulls out Lady Thundera, bound and gagged, wild-eyed with fear. He yanks open the hatch, revealing the lower portion of the chamber filled with clear liquid. He tosses LT into the chamber, slams the door, spins the lock and steps back.::

::There is a muffled roar and the sphere suddenly expands to three times its original size. Then it returns to to it's original dimensions, smoldering, missing several rivets and the door half off it's hinges.::

::The caninoid approaches, opens the door, looks inside and grimaces.::

We'll just give her a few minutes to pull herself together. In the meantime, my one true love, Mrs Fianna, known to you as the Poodle, has chosen this time to redress a few, er, grievances based on her misrepresentations in the fics of certain persons.

::He gestures to an adorable white poodle pounding merrily on a laptop with it's front feet, snarling and snapping at the screen all the while.

So what have you got there, dear?

*********

Tatiana was in the kitchen of her two-story brownstone on the outskirts of the Berbil village, cleaning the dishes. She had gotten the place after Barney the Purple Spaceship got blown up for the last time. It was a nice place, and although she had berbils for neighbors, they let her have her privacy and free rent in exchange for not levitating them into the upper atmosphere and dropping them.

She finished drying the last plate when there came a frantic banging at her door and cries of, "Open up! Help! Tatiana, open the door!"

The undead sorceress did as bade, and was knocked from her feet as Lady Thundera charged inside. The reknowned author of "Thundercat Soaps" and principle leg-breaker of TCATGR turned and shot the latches on the door, her face a mask of fright.

"What the hell's wrong?!" Tatiana grumped, getting up from the floor.

"It's the Poodle," LT gasped. "She's after me, Tatiana! Ya gotta hide me!"

"Calm down LT, calm down," Tatiana soothed. "You're just feeling guilty about all the abuse you've been piling on Fianna, that's all. The Poodle isn't after you."

"YES SHE IS!" LT screamed. "She's everywhere! I keep seeing adorable little white fluffy sheepy-dogs everywhere I go, and they're WATCHING me! Oooowhatamigonnadoo?!"

"Look, calm down, come inside and we'l write a fic about kicking the hell out of John Doe, that'll make you feel, oh, just a moment," Tatiana broke off as the phone rang. She picked it up and put the reciever to her ear.

"Hello?"

"BARKBARKBARKBARK!!!" Then the line went dead.

"Oh no!" Tatiana gasped as she set the phone down. "The Poodle really IS after you! This is horrible!"

"I know, I know! I'm in terrible danger!" LT wailed.

"YOU?!" Tatiana sqwauked. "What about ME?! That poodle promised to get me for helping you with Pepe LePew! I'm gonna get nailed by the Poodle and it's all YOUR fault!"

LT collapsed onto the sofa and began to cry in long wheezey wails. This snapped Tatiana out of her panic.

"Look, calm down okay? Let's just get ahold of ourselves and figure out a plan," Tatiana thought for a minute while LT continued to bawl like a child with it's wrist slapped.

"I got it!" Tatiana exclaimed. "Let's call the cops and have her picked up for harrassment!" She reached for the phone.

"NO!" LT screamed, clapping her hand over Tatiana's. "The cops are on her side! Remember a week ago when Mandora and Control raided RD and I's house?"

"This is the Poodle we're talking about," Tatiana snapped, yanking her hand free. "We need any help we can get," she said, then dialled 9-1-1.

"Emergency, snarfer-snarfer," came the answer.

"This is Tatiana, I'm being stalked..."

"Please choose from one of the following menu options, snarfer-snarfer: for lunatac assault, press one; for mutant attacks, press two; for Mumm-Ra, drop the phone and run away fast snarfer-snarfer; for fanfic author interaction, begin praying to the god of your choice and hold the line for the next available operator."

The phone began to play the final challenge tune from Jeapordy. Tatiana relayed the message to LT, adding "Since they don't have a selection for authors' irate spouses, I guess this is as close as I can get."

Tatiana heard double-beep that indicated call-waiting. She switched it over and said, "Hello?"

"BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!"

"Augh!" she screamed, nearly dropping the phone. She caught it and switched back to the music, shuddering in fear, determined not to take any more beeps.

"Emergency snarfer-snarfer. What's the problem?"

"This is Tatiana! I'm being stalked! She keeps calling me on the phone and scaring me!"

"Hmm. Okay, hang up the phone and answer it normally the next time it rings, and we'll trace the line, snarfer-snarfer."

"Thanks Snarfer. I don't care what anybody else says, I don't think you're a prop or on the menu," Tatiana said.

"Huh?" Snarfer said in confusion, but Tatiana had hung up the phone already.

"We need to get someplace more secure," LT said.

"My bedroom," Tatiana replied. "It's upstairs, it's got a solid door and double locks."

LT unplugged the phone and brought it along. Soon they were upstairs, bolted in, and reconnected.

"It's not enough," LT said in a panicky tone. "We gotta think of something else!"

"Well, there is one more step we could take..." Tatiana mused.

"What?!"

"I could use my powers to summon the spirit of a departed author and compel it to answer our questions. Maybe somebody from the other side would know how to stop the Poodle."

"Great! Let's...hey, waitaminnit. You said your only powers were levitation and kicking people in the head. Since when can you summon the departed?" LT asked skeptically.

"Hey, I am undead, ya know? I got connections," came the reply. Tatiana stepped away, then drew her legs up into a lotus position, hanging suspended in the midair. She rested her hands palms-up on her knees, making circles from the middle finger and thumb of each hand.

"Ohm...Ohm...Ohm on the range..." she intoned.

"Quit clowning around!" LT complained. "We're running out of time!"

Tatiana's concentration nearly broke, not from the remarks, but from the realization that LT really did complain rather alot. Nevertheless she pressed on, and was rewarded by a psychic signal of reply.

"I got someone!" she squealed and floated to her knees on the floor, looking reverently towards the room's only window. Confused, LT joined her.

The moonlight shimmered, then began to take form, finally solidifying into a short felinoid in the garb of an egyptian queen.

"What the heck?" the feline mumbled. Catching sight of Tatiana she said, "No fair! I'm not departed, I'm just on an extended hiatus!"

"LADY BAST!" the authors cried in unison. "You have to help us."

Plainly confused, the legendary author scratched her head beneath her gold sun-crown and said, "Sure, what's the problem?"

"We're being stalked by a poodle!" LT blurted before Tatiana could silence her.

Bast's eyes narrowed. "A foo-foo dog? You disturb my rest over a foo-foo dog? You don't need me, you need the ASPCA."

"No! This is no ordinary poodle, this is Fianna's poodle, Mrs Fianna's incarnation in TCATGR-"

"TCATGR!" Bast cried as her eyes glowed with green fire. "Oooh yes, I've heard about you!"

LT and Tatiana threw themselves on the ground. "It's true!" they groveled. "Forgive us! Forgive our pitiful plagarisms and sorry attempts to match your genius, you who came before us all! Forgive us and save us from the Poodle!"

"Okay, okay, I forgive you! LT, stop licking my sandal, I said I'd help!" With a sigh the felinoid conjured a terminal that morphed into existance from the wooden floor of the room. She struck a few keys and exmined the screen.

"Ah, there's your answer," she said.

"What?! What?!" they cried.

"You're screwed."

"WHAT?!"

As the terminal melted back into the floor, Basy shrugged elaborately. "Sorry, that's all there is to it. You can't stop the Poodle. Nobody can. It's all about primacy..."

"Oh no," Tatiana moaned. "Not more of that crap!"

Bast shot the sorceress a glare that silenced her instantly. "SOME of us didn't spend metaphysics class doing our nails and drooling over a hunky vampire, ya know! It'd serve you right if I made you go take some remedial Piers Anthony classes, but you're not gonna live long enough for it to do you any good!"

"Anyhow, the Poodle has primacy, or ultimate control over this reality, because she doesn't buy into any of it. She's pretty sure this is just a vehicle for middle-aged men to flirt with college girls, who are in reality other middle-aged men posing as college girls. Follow me?"

"But if she won't accept it, why is she so powerful?" LT asked.

"Precisely because she won't accept it. She's the bull in TCATGR's china shop, and did you ever wonder if the bull gives a rat's patootie about the stuff it breaks? Even Pikachu, which took out the Puritan, would be powerless against the Poodle, because she thinks Pokemon is the only thing stupider than Thundercats!"

The phone rang. Before anybody could stop her, Bast picked up the receiver. "Hello?" she asked, then passed the phone to LT. "It's for you."

LT put the phone to her ear. "Hello?"

"BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!"

"AAIIEEE!" LT shrieked and dropped the phone, tackling Tatiana in a grip of terror.

"See ya," Bast said as she began to vanish. "Wouldn't wanna be ya."

When she was gone, Tatiana tried again to comfort the Mistress of All Evil in Denial.

"It's okay, it's okay," she said. "The cops traced the call, remember? They'll get her." The phone rang. "I bet thats's them right now." She answered it, saying, "Hello?"

"Tatiana, snarfer-snarfer, we traced the call! You have to get out of there right away! It came from INSIDE THE HOUSE!"

From the war room of the Tower of Omens, Snarfer heard Tatiana say weakly, "In..inside the..." Then there was a crash of wood splintering, followed by two womens' voices screaming wildly.

********

RD and Zhie looked into the padded room through a tiny window in it's heavy door.

"Ironically, I'm rather proud," Rivero said. "I knew she had it in her. I just thought she'd let Tatiana off the hook."

Zhie produced a flask and downed a mouthful. She wiped her lips on her sleeve. "I just didn't know one human being could do that to another. Tatiana was torn to shreds. Hell, she'd hung her intestines around the room like garland."

"It had to be her, though," RD said. "The 9-1-1 tapes are clear. Tatiana said it was a 'she' who was stalking her." The Master of All Evil shook his head. "I can still see her sitting there, covered in gore, rocking on the floor, singing that song..."

"C'mon, RD," Zhie said. "Let's head back to my office. I'm sure I can find something to ease your pain. How about some Valium?"

RD glared at her.

********

In the padded room, the straightjacketed figure of Lady Thundera rocked back and forth.

"Kibbles and bits. Kibbles and bits. Got to get me some kibbles and bits..." she chanted as drool trickled down her chin, and her eyes stared blankly at visions too horrible for her mind to contain.

********

::The Poodle pressed “send” and hopped into the caninoid's arms. He turned back to the camera as the little dog hugged him fiercely.::

Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, "So is there a moral to this story?" Well, yes there is. Two of them.

First, I should say that nothing has genuinely offended me ::feral grin:: I just like to give as good as I get. Remember that, Sher Kahn, after that drubbing you gave me at the pyramid, heh heh.

But I digress. Moral number one: I am Fianna, and I am yours to use and abuse as you please. But I must expressly forbid putting my august self into any sexual context. I am a one-poodle dog, and in addition to making me uncomfortable, it really riles up the missus.

:The Poodle growls and snaps at the camera, then goes back to licking the caninoid's cheek.::

Secondly, just as I am hers, Mrs Fianna is mine. You may refer to her, and use and abuse me as you wish, but any direct use of my poodle must be approved by me.

Again, these are new requests, so don't go thinking I'm mad or something! But do take these humble requests under advisement, as failure to do so may well result in a visit from you-know-who.

::The caninoid walked off, still carrying his poodle in his arms. On the back of his robe was a sign::

Beware Of Dog

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