There are so many people
to thank for the inspiration behind this one, but particularly, I'd like to
thank Lady Thundera - for letting me live, heh heh...
In the
Credit-Where-It's-Due department, I'd like to thank RD Rivero, whose creation
The Puritan is just about the sweetest conceptual weapon you could ask for, for
reasons that will soon be apparent.
And yes, this was
the episode behind the Chickenectomy.
Note to RD: Of
course you may post Chez Grover! Just rememeber what happened LAST time, heh
heh heh...
Note to LD: Ya want
in, ya got in kiddo! But how about putting "
Cause and Effect
A Thunderballs Riff
Part 1 - Lady
Thundera's New Friend
"Aaaand
CUT!"
The cast of
Thunderballs drew a sigh of relief as Thundera Tiger's chronology again drew
away from them. There were several rounds of back-patting and congratulations.
"I got a bone
to pick with you," Thundera Tiger heard from behind her. She turned to
find Fianna standing there, a highly frustrated Sher Kahn strung upside down
across his massive shoulders.
"Put me down,
you nincompoop!" the siberian roared.
"Aw, did the
doggie not like his bit?" Tiger taunted.
"Oh hell, I
liked it fine. It's just, I mean, c'mon already! I'm a three-hundred pound
humanoid dog with a build like a
TT sat on her
haunches and grinned at him. "No. It's my story, and you got to lose badly
this time. Consider it payback for what you did to him in 'RD Saves'."
"YEAH!"
Kahn bellowed. "It's not like I ever got a swipe at that lawyer of
yours!"
Fianna considered,
then smiled and let the tiger down. "I suppose that true. Apologies all
around, felines!" He extended a hand to Sher Kahn. "No hard
feelings?"
Kahn pounced him,
and the two went to the ground in a classic dog and cat fight. A cloud of dust
rose over them while scraps of green fur and red-black pelt flew in all
directions. The others gathered around, curious to see who would triumph. All
but one.
"QUIET!!!"
Everyone turned to
see who yelled. Fianna and Sher Kahn stopped struggling, Fianna's arm in Kahn's
mouth, Kahn's ear in Fianna's. Both simultaneously released the other and said,
"Blecch."
Aside from the
spectators stood Lady Thundera. "I have an announcement to make!"
"This is it!
This is it!" Lucifer Daimou crowed. "She's gonna confess to being
snuggle-bunnies with RD!"
With casual ease,
LT produced a small-caliber handgun and shot LD between the eyes. The demented
youth dropped to the ground at Slinky Avenger's feet.
"NOOO!"
wailed the reptile. She fell to her knees beside him and cradled his head in
her arms. "Why?! Why is it always the young ones, the sweet ones, the ones
pure of heart that evil destroys?! Why?! WHY?!"
"Oh put a
sweatsock in it," LT growled. "He's not dead. Nobody dies here."
"Oh!" Slinky
chirped and hopped up. LD's head hit the floor with a thunk. The mental patient
opened his eyes and smiled broadly.
"I see
"Did I hear
you say that he can't die?" the reptilian asked.
"That's right,
Slinky," RD said smoothly as he drew near. "Consider the
possibilities. The endless opportunities for torture, mayhem and insanity. All
you have to do is come over to the side of evil." Rivero came very close,
leaned a little towards her and whispered. "Do it, child. You know you
want to."
Slinky looked into
RD's dark eyes, her breathing rapid and shallow, her expression mesmerised, her
facial scales turning bright red. Completely ignored, LD moved the Pointy Stick
(tm) from it's delicate locale, got up and joined Fianna and Sher Kahn where
they stood gaping.
"How does he
do it?" Kahn breathed.
"It's the
evil," Fianna said. "Chicks dig bad guys."
"EXCUSE
ME!" LT shrieked. Once again, attention oriented on her. "As I was saying,
I have an announcement to make!"
"For some time
now, certain nincompoops and nut cases..." she said, looking meaningfully
at Fianna and LD. "... around here have been insinuating that I have a
'thing' going on with the Master of All Evil, RD Rivero. Well it's not true,
and in the interest of putting this nonsense to rest, I've invited my REAL
boyfriend here to join us."
Lady Thundera
smiled broadly at the shocked whispers that ran through the assembly. "Now
I should tell you, he's a celebrity. He's been in movies, television and
sports, and he's one of the most widely recognized people on Earth. So pleeeeze
don't mob him or pester him for autographs."
She went to the
entrance door and put her hand on the handle. Turning to face the group, she
said, "Ladies, gentlemen, fruitcakes and smelly dogs, I give you, MY
BOYFRIEND!" She yanked the door open.
"Hi
everybody!"
All around the
room, the authors' mouths fell open in shock and horror, except for Lucifer
Daimou, who jumped up and down with excitement, clapping wildly and yelling the
newcomer's name in obvious rapture.
At the back of the
group, in the Thundercat contingent, Panthro leaned over towards Tygra.
"Who the hell
is 'OJ Simpson'?" he asked.
*******
The next morning,
the authors gathered in the cafeteria of Barney the Purple Spaceship. Fianna
picked up a box of Kibble and a bottle of Guinness from the ala carte buffet
and scanned the benches til he spotted Thundera Tiger. He hastened over and sat
beside her.
"Not
eating?" he asked as he poured the Kibble into a bowl, then emptied the
beer over it.
"I got an
order in. RD's cooking today," she replied. Then she noticed Fianna arm.
"What's with the bandage?" she asked.
Fianna looked at
his arm, bemused. "It's where Kahn tagged me yesterday. Usually things
like this heal up in a few minutes, but this one is still bleeding." The
caninoid grinned. "Guess I'll have to ask him to brush his teeth first
next time."
"Morning,"
Axelle said as she joined them, a plate of fried Berbil chops in her hand.
"Has anybody seen the lovebirds yet?"
Tiger tilted her
head towards the far wall, where Lady Thundera sat on a divan with OJ's head in
her lap, peeling grapes and dropping them into his mouth one by one, giggling
all the while.
"Here,"
Axelle muttered, sliding her breakfast over to Fianna. "I just lost my
appetite."
Fianna looked over
at the couple, then at the chops, shrugged, and emptied the plate into his bowl
along with the Kibble and beer.
"Axelle, your
character has some medical background, right?" Tiger asked. When the
assassin nodded, she said, "Take a look at Fianna's arm, would you? It's
kind of chewed up."
On cue, Fianna
presented the wounded limb, which Axelle unwrapped. "Damn," she
muttered. "You better get to Zhie, dog-face. That needs stitches."
"No it doesn't!"
Fianna yelped.
"Don't be such
a puppy," Tiger teased.
"No, really, I
can fix it," the caninoid said, fishing out his palmtop. Opening it, he
made rapid series of taps, then looked at his mauled extremity expectantly.
A minute passed,
then another, but the injury remained. Fianna looked at his palmtop
quizzically, then closed it and flipped it over. "I know I just put fresh
batteries in it," he mused as he opened the back up.
Suddenly the entrance
door crashed open as Panthro and Cheetara stormed into the room.
"WHERE THE
HELL IS RIVERO?!" the panther bellowed.
"What's the
problem?" Tiger asked.
"He killed
Tygra again last night! On the front steps of the Lair!" Cheetara yelled.
"Did someone
call?" RD asked, stepping out of the kitchen. The reknowned evildoer was
covered in blood from head to toe, his white apron pink with gore, a dripping
twelve inch carving knife in his hand.
Everyone stared at
him.
"Oh, people,
please!" Rivero groused. "You didn't expect me to cook TT's rabbits
without killing them first, did you?"
"You
idiot!" Panthro raged. "Do you have any idea how hard it's gonna be
to get that much blood off the cement?!" Panthro raged.
Cheetara shot the
panther a dirty look and said, "Never mind the mess. Just give us Tygra
back and we'll be on our way."
"What on Third
Earth are you talking about?" RD asked mildly. "I haven't done
anything to Tygra. At least not yet, but the day is young."
"Don't play
dumb with us, Rivero! You ambushed Tygra on the steps of Cat's Lair last night.
Hell, you almost decapitated him this time, let alone killed him."
RD looked genuinely
confused. "I did no such thing," he said. Putting his knife on a
nearby table, he reached below his apron. Cheetara and Panthro had already
dived beneath tables when he looked up again, pad and pen in hand.
RD frowned.
"Look, I didn't kill Tygra this time, but since you are obviously so
upset, I'll write him back in for you. Hmmm...Ah, I've got it."
RD began to write,
reciting aloud as he did. "'Suddenly Tygra appeared in the middle of the
cafeteria. He was nude, his manhood jutting out before him like a spear, like a
masthead on a ship. His hands were waist high, palms down, though he were
resting them on something not in evidence. "Bengali!" he gasped,
"Oh Bengali!"'"
RD looked up,
grinning, and found the scene unchanged. Befuddled, he unscrewed his ink pen,
muttering, "I know I just put a fresh cartridge in here."
Then they all felt
it, character and author alike. It washed over them all like the tide rising
above the head of a man buried up to his neck in the sand of a beach. All eyes
turned towards the door.
Through the door
strode a thin, feocious figure. Pilgrim garb of harsh white and bitter black
clad the creature, it's silver shoe buckles glittering in the light of the
cafeteria. Beady blue eyes glittered above a long, beakish nose, adding to the
avian appearance of the being. A fall of white hair descended to shoulder
length from beneath a high conical hat, the tip of which scraped the room's
ceiling. Cradled in it's hand was a book, "Thundercat Bible" written
on the cover in blazing red letters.
The Puritan came to
the center of the room and stopped, looking contemptuously at it's creator.
From behind the creature, Legalist Larry the Lawyer appeared, aiming his deadly
briefcase weapon at the author.
"RD
Rivero," Larry said. "You are under arrest for the murder of Tygra
the Thundercat."
To Be Continued
**********
Round 2! And
remember, all of this and much much more is available in TCATGR! Just bug RD,
he'll hook you up :)
This one employs a
full six guest stars, plus a secret guest author (see if you can spot him!) and
an allusion to somebody's comment on "poke-porn". Gotta catch 'em
all!
********
This chapter is
dedicated to Piers Anthony, a writer whose ability to weave conceptual textures
is something I may only imitate, never equal...
Cause and Effect
A Thunderballs Riff
Part 2 - Trial of
the Century
Twelve hours later,
the exhausted authors filed into Barney the Purple Spaceship's recreation room.
As the others dropped into their seats, Tatiana grabbed the remote and put on
the TV.
"Good evening
everyone, and welcome to 'Rivera Live', coming to you from station TCAT-TV here
on Third Earth. Tonight's top story: Tygra, murdered. The suspect? RD Rivero.
The verdict? Guilty as hell, in my unbiased opinion. For a recap of the day's
events, let's go to our local correspondant, everyone's favorite dairy product
and multi-media mogul, Cheezey the Lunatac."
"Thank you
Geraldo. First, I should say that this story sucks eggs, since Alluro is not in
it. That said, RD Rivero was arrested without event early this morning in the
cafeteria of Barney the Purple Spaceship. He was arraigned just an hour later.
Jackalman, roll that first clip."
The authors
watching the program stared agahst at what filled the screen, accompanied by
wild cries of "Panthro! Oh Panthro!" made in Lion-O‘s voice. The
screen cut immediately back to a blushing Lunatac.
"Sorry folks,
that was archival footage we're using over at the Third Earth Inquirer. I have
no idea how that got there, heh heh. Let's try again Jackalman, shall we?"
A courtroom scene
appeared. An incensed RD Rivero stood beside his lawyer, Johnny Cochran.
"This is
absurd!" Rivero yelled. "I didn't kill Tygra! And as soon as I figure
out what's wrong with my note pad, I'll bring him back! Where the hell is
Fianna, this is all his fault!"
"SILENCE!"
the Puritan exploded from the bench. "FOR LO, RD RIVERO, THOU DOST
STANDETH ACCUSED OF VIOLATING SERIES CONTINUITY BY THE SLAYING OF A PRINCIPAL
CHARACTER. ORDER DEMANDS THAT THE ACCUSED BE TRIED AND BROUGHT TO SWIFT AND
MERCILESS JUSTICE. THEN, AND ONLY THEN SHALL..."
The screen returned
to a head shot of Cheezey. "The Puritan then delivered a two hour sermon
on the rule of law, which seemed to deepen sentiment that Rivero needed
executed, if only to shut his creation up. After thi-"
Cheezey suddenly
disappeared as the camera spun wildly. When the scene stabilized, it showed
Cheezey on her feet behind the news desk. Lucifer Daimou ran in circles around
both, screaming and waving his arms wildly. Behind him came Slinky Avenger,
giggling madly, an Ernie Keebler doll in her hand, waving it at the fleeing
youth.
"He's gonna
get you LD! He's gonna get you!" she yelled.
"AUGH! KEEP IT
AWAY, KEEP IT AWAY!!" LD howled as he ran off-camera, Slinky in pursuit.
From somewhere, a door slammed.
Cheezey looked off
camera, for a moment, then sat back down. "As I was saying, immediately
after arraignment jury selection began. Roll clip, Jackalman."
"Your honor,
this is ridiculous," Cochran argued. "We've given questionaires to
five hundred prospective jurors, and half think he's guilty as hell."
"AND THE OTHER
HALF?"
"They want to
see him hanged, guilty or not. I move for a mistrial"
"THERE SHALL
BE NO MISTRIAL, FOR JUSTICE CANNOT MISS IT'S MARK. LO, I SHALL STRETCH FORTH MY
MIGHTY HAND, AND FROM ACROSS THE REALMS OF FANFICTION, I SHALL SUMMON THE
GREATEST SYMBOLS OF SOUND JUDGEMENT AND FAIR PLAY TO GRACE THE MINDS OF
MAN."
The camera showed
an empty six-seat jury box that suddenly sprang full to capacity. The camera
panned across the startled assembly, focusing on each person, beginning in the
top right corner.
The first was a
fourteen-year old girl, clad in a preposterous ensemble consisting of a white
body suit with a large red bow, blue collars and a too-short miniskirt. Her
blonde hair was pulled into twin ponytails nearly as long as she was tall.
"Heeeey,
what's going on here?!" she squawked. "If you guys are from the
Negaverse, you're gonna be sorry!"
Beside her appeared
a creature resembling a cross between a lemon and a really big mouse. It had
long antenna-like ears, beady black eyes and a pair of dark splotches on it's
cheeks.
It looked at
everyone in obvious confusion. "Pika?" it mewled.
The top row was
rounded out by a young male human. He bore a resemblance to the female, in that
both had abnormally large eyes and no apparent lips, but there the similarity
ended. He was robust, his muscles obvious even beneath the loose orange
jumpsuit he wore. The overall effect, however, was spoiled by his black hair,
which was coifed and teased into huge, gravity-defying spikes that jutted from
his scalp like a volcanic eruption.
He looked around,
then rubbed his jaw, grinned and announced, "Wow, I didn't know Piccolo
could hit THAT hard..."
At the right hand
end of the front row was a large, powerfully built human, clad entirely in a
white jumpsuit. The only variances in this attire were a yellow cape, a black
pull-over mask, and red-yellow bands on his forearms.
"Hey, this
isn't my show! Cartoon Network said I get bonus pay for special
appearances!" he complained.
Next to him was an
unassuming blonde human in his early thirties. He looked around with a mild
grin, his eyes distant, as though listening to music only he could hear. When
he sat, his black outer robe fell open to reveal a metal cylinder about a foot
long, hanging from his belt like a sword hilt.
But the last man,
the one in the foreman's seat, it was he that drew the eyes of the courtroom,
that held the camera longest. From his blue-black forelock to his lantern jaw,
from the steely eyes to the broad-shouldered muscular frame, every inch of him
radiated the very stuff of heroism.
Everyone knew him,
knew of him. The living symbol of strength joined to benevolence, the epitome
of service to fellowman, he was the first one any of them could ever recall,
from childhood, being held up before them and called "superhero".
Of such strength
was this aura that it made something grand out of his absurd uniform of blue
and red, with the broad "S" shield emblazoned on the chest.
The camera panned
across the room, catching the expression of the stunned audience, coming to rest
on the defense team. As the Puritan explained to the jurors why they had been
brought there, Johnny Cochran sat agape in shock. RD Rivero was visible,
slumped forward with his face in his hands, head shaking in dismay.
Then from
off-camera there there was a stacotto of rapid "PIKAPIKAPIKA!" cries.
The scene spun to the audience and jury box, where the lemon-mouse creature had
apparently spied something it was very excited about. Without warning, the
creature sprang from it's seat and into the crowd.
The combined ranks
of writers and Thundercat characters leapt to their feet, making way as two
struggling figures staggered into the aisleway and into the camera's eye.
"GET IT OFF,
GET IT OFF!" Zhie shrieked, hopping and kicking as the mouse
enthusiastically humped her leg.
"Pika!Pika!Pika!"
the thing cried in obvious ecstacy. Within seconds, the combatants had wrestled
their way out the door of the courtroom.
"NO
MATTER," the Puritan intoned. "COME FORTH, MY ALTERNATE JUROR!"
The mouse's vacated
seat was filled by a Munchkinesque humanoid female, clad in a frumpy domestic's
outfit of red and white, ornamented with dozens of tiny hearts. The room was
suddenly awash in the scent of strawberries.
"Oh!" she
exclaimed. "This is berry strange, but I'm sure we'll all be berry good
friends in no time at all!"
The camera cut back
to RD, shaking his head, muttering, "I'd have been happier with the
rat."
The scene changed
again, back to an image of Cheezey at her desk. "Rivero's legal team
objected, stating that this jury was definitely not a jury of his peers. The
Puritan overruled the objection, giving Rivero a backhanded complement by
stating that, as an evildoer, he had no peer ."
"Legalitst
Larry of the prosecution, formerly known as Harrier Harry of 'Space Harrier',
then announced he would be seeking the death penalty. He then entered into
evidence the first two volumes of 'The Collected Works of RD Rivero",
subpeanaed from the Library of Ayrynn. Court was then recessed for dinner, and
so the jurors could familiarize themselves with RD's past misdeeds."
"And that's
all for today! Back to you, Geraldo," Cheezey said.
"Thank you,
Cheezey. Tommorrow on 'Rivera Live', more trial coverage. Plus a special bonus
feature: Chickenectomy, replacing your caninoid's testicles with chicken
mcnuggets; who's doing it, and why would they want to?"
Tatiana clicked off
the set. Thundera Tiger turned to Fianna, who was looking greener than usual
after the preview.
"Okay
nincompoop, give it a try," Tiger said.
"I already
have," Fianna said morosely. "Nothing works. Normally, we authors can
create props with just a thought, and change scenes with our writing tools, but
ever since this trial began, I can't alter anything anyhow."
"How about
you, Zhie?" Tiger asked.
The cheetah sat on
a divan, her clothes disheveled, her expression one of incredible bliss. Beside
her on the couch was Pikachu, smoking a cigarette and looking proud of himself.
"Nothing,"
Zhie said.
Axelle grinned.
"Doesn't that mean the liquor cabinet will be empty in a few hours?"
Zhie snuggled up to
Pikachu and stroked the rodent's ear. "I don't care. I've found a new
drug."
Lying on the
carpet, Sher Kahn snorted, laying a paw across his eyes. "Don't even ask,
Tiger, my mojo's as gone as everybody else's," he said, Tatiana and Axelle
nodding in assent..
"Well, for the
record, mine's not working either," Tiger said. She curled up on the sofa,
resting her head on a pillow, thinking furiously.
What the hell
happened to our powers?
*******
RD Rivero lay
stretched out on his bunk in the Berbil village jail, his dark eyes smoldering
holes in the ceiling of his cell. He heard the door at the end of the hall open
and clang shut, then sat up. He knew the visitor was for him; he was the only
one incarcerated there
"Hmmm,"
Rivero mused when his guest arrived. "I must confess I'd not expected to
see you again. Nice sunglasses, by the way."
"Don't worry
about my eyes Rivero," Legalist Larry said mildly. "I can see well
enough for what I have to do. Take a look at this."
Larry opened his
briefcase and took out a single document, holding it up for RD to see. Rivero
perused it through the bars for a moment, then frowned.
"It's exactly
what you think it is," Larry said. "Your death warrant, signed and
sealed. All it needs now is delivered." So saying, he closed his briefcase
and fed the paper through a port on the side. The briefcase whirred, then
sprouted it's infamous cannon barrel. A cheerful female voice said brightly,
"Lawgiver armed."
RD backed away from
the cell door involuntarily. Larry snickered. "Don't worry, Rivero. We're
going to give you a fair trial before we execute you."
"Balls,"
RD snarled. "When I figure out what happened to my creative powers
I'll-"
He was interrupted
by Larry's barking laughter. "You still don't get it, do you? After all of
this time, you still don't realize what you've done, what you've created."
RD's frown grew in
proportion to Larry's obvious glee. "What are you going on about, you
pathetic excuse for a bounty hunter?"
Larry set his
briefcase cannon down, then sat on it. "Let me see if I can explain this
in a way your 'genius' intellect can handle. This world, this universe, is
ordered. It has rules like gravity, inertia..."
"The ability
to breathe in a hard vacuum," RD interjected with a snort.
"Not the same
rules as your world, but rules just the same. Certain things happen, in a
certain order, and other things result. Causal relationships."
"Cause and
effect," RD said impatiently. "Yes, I know what it is. Get to the
point."
"I will when
I'm ready," Larry grinned. "It's not like you're going anywhere.
Anyhow, the Thundercat characters are part of this world, and therefor, part of
the causal relationships. They obey the rules of this world because they have
to; they don't have a choice."
"Then you
fanfic authors came along and screwed it all up. You're interlopers here, you
don't belong, and so you exist outside of the causal relationships. You don't
have to follow the rules, because the rules don't apply to you. If you decide
to drop a girder on Tygra, you don't have to rig it, set it up, wire the button
on your chair. You just will it to happen, and it does."
RD nodded.
"Effect without cause, a breakdown in the logical order of the universe.
Chaos."
"Yes, that's
right, chaos. You authors impose chaos on this universe just by being here, and
exercise it every time you write a fanfic, kill a character and revive him, or
otherwise alter the flow of events. Chaos gives you authors power such as the
old Greek gods would have envied"
Larry's grin
transformed into a broad smile. "But leave it to you humans. Give you
power as unto gods, and eventually you'll invent something capable of
destroying the gods themselves."
"THE
PURITAN!" Rivero yelled as realization struck him.
"That's right,
RD. Thr Puritan, your Puritan. Remember that fic, the one where you
created him? Remember why you created him?"
"To...to,"
RD stuttered, his face ashen.
"To impose
order, proper true logical order, onto any fanfic writer who disrupted
it," Larry said. "Fianna tried to warn you, said you'd created a,
how'd he put it? A 'conceptual weapon' more powerful even than myself. Quite an
accomplishment, I must confess," he added, bowing.
Suddenly RD smiled.
"Well then, I shouldn't have much to fear. He destroyed both Lady Thundera
and myself, but notice it was hardly permanent."
"Aw, give the
guy some credit RD! He was what, maybe fifteen minutes old? Rest assured he's
got it quite right now." The lawyer stood up and retrieved his briefcase.
He looked back at Rivero and pointed a finger at him pistol-style, then dropped
the thumb like a hammer, clicking his tongue..
"You're gonna
die tomorrow, Rivero. And this time, you'll stay dead."
To Be Continued
********
The riff continues!
Dedicated to Mooncat, who unwittingly contributed much to these riffs...
Cause and Effect
A Thunderballs Riff
Part 3 - Rule of
Law
RD Rivero was
asleep on his bunk, lost in pleasant dreams of Tygra destruction and
mutilation. As such, the tappings on the bar or his window went unnoticed, as
did the harsh, gravelly whisper of "RD! Wake up! Dammit, how can anybody
that evil sleep that soundly?"
"Maybe he got
a conjugal visit from a former girlfriend," said another voice, chuffing
softly in amusement.
"Watch it,
dog-breath. It's not like you aren't in enought trouble already."
There were a few
moments of scratching, then Rivero was awakened by a barrage of small stones
raining down on his head. He sat up abruptly, swinging his arms to ward off
further attack, then noticed the snickers from his window.
"I should have
guessed," he growled as he came to the window, peering out at the faces of
Thundera Tiger and Fianna. "Now listen carefully, both of you. The Puritan
is serving as a nexus, more of a conduit really, funneling first-tier causality
into the second tier. This is disrupting the flow of entropic control normally
available to second-teir occupants."
"But the
relative energy expenditures must be tremendous!" Fianna woofed. "How
can he maintain the coefficients without immolation?"
"It's his
primacy. I designed him to handle the load, inadvertantly, but there it is. In
any case, without our entropic creative abilities, we authors lack a sufficient
level of primacy ourselves to do him damage. Remember, however, that he is
still a creative construct, and therefore susceptible to the same causal
relationships he is built to enforce."
"So the
authors can't hurt him, but the characters could?" Tiger asked.
Fianna and RD
looked at her, then at each other, then back at her. "You understood all
of that?" Fianna asked.
"Of
course," she scoffed. "I read Piers Anthony."
"The problem
is going to be finding a character willing to help us," RD mused.
"Not just any
character, either," Fianna added. "Someone powerful enough to defeat
a being like the Puritan is going to have to be hell on wheels."
Eveyone was quiet
for a moment, then they all spoke simultaneously.
"Mumm-Ra."
********
"Will you
hurry up?!" Tiger yelled to the lagging caninoid.
"Hey, we're
not all four-footers here, ya know! Besides, this chainmail is heavy!"
They were running
across the broad field behind the Berbil jail, headed for the copse of trees
that led to the Desert of Sinking Sands on the other side.
I could be at
Mumm-Ra's pyramid in an hour, Thundera Tiger groused to herself. If Fianna
wasn't here to slow me down.
As she ran, a sound
encroached on her senses, a keening whine, like a jet engine firing...
"LAWYER!!!!"
she screamed, redoubling her pace. Behind her, she could hear the muscle-bound
caninoid pounding along harder.
The roar of
Legalist Larry's briefcase of death grew louder as the lawyer swooped in
towards them. The woods were getting closer, so close she could almost hear
their beckoning call of safety and seclusion. Then she heard the chainsaw roar
of the lawyer's cannon behind her, and Fianna's cry as the caninoid fell.
A split second
later, her hind legs were driven to the ground by a jackhammer of force. Tiger
screamed as her momentum rolled her forward along the ground, making new pain
erupt with every tumble. She landed facing the forest, and in desparation began
to crawl towards the sheltering trees, dragging her injured hindquarters.
She heard Larry's
engine come up and then cut out as the lawyer landed behind her. Her heart
despairing, Tiger stopped dragging herself forward. If she was going to die,
she didn't want to look pathetic. She rolled onto her side, turning to face her
destroyer.
Larry was lit from
behind by the full moon, but Tiger's sensitive eyes could see his smirk.
"Aww, poor kitty, didn't make it under the sofa after all. Pity. Perhaps
I'll just put you out of my misery. But don't worry, kitty. Soon as I find the
excuse to direct the Puritan onto them, all of your friends will be joining you
in AOhell."
Larry aimed his
weapon carefully, taking his time, relishing the moment. He was so wrapped up
in the moment that he almost failed to notice as the moon behind him was
blocked. He spun, and delivered the barrel of his Lawgiver into a massive
green-furred hand, which crushed the half-inch walls of the weapon's barrel
like a pop can.
"You want more
realism, huh? How‘s this for realism then?" Fianna growled, seizing the
struggling lawyer by the neck and hauling him off the ground with one hand.
"I AM THREE
HUNDRED POUNDS OF GREEN MONSTER AND YOU ARE NOT!" Fianna roared as his
fist shot forward into the center of the lawyer's body. Larry's torso made a
sound like a tire exploding, bright red blood bursting out of his shirt sleeves
and waistline. The lawyer's arms flopped upward from the impact, then dropped
down to his sides, dangling like a marienette with it's strings cut.
Fianna dropped the
lawyer's corpse onto the grass. "I made you, you son of a bitch," he
snarled. "I'll unmake you."
"Fianna!"
Tiger called. "I'm hit! I can't move my legs!"
Fianna knelt beside
her for a moment, examining the injury. "It looks like your right leg is
broken. The paralysis is probably just shock trauma. Give it a few minutes and
it'll go away." He coughed, spat in the grass, and said, "We can't
stay in the open like this. Hold still, I'll try not to jar you too much."
The caninoid
reached over and scooped the tiger up, slinging her over his shoulder, and
began to walk briskly towards the woods. As they went, it struck Tiger that
she'd never really grasped just how huge Fianna actually was. The caninoid
was carrying her like a child, with no apparent difficulty. And the impact
behind the punch that finished Larry must have rivaled a cannonball.
We're still
essentially ourselves, she thought, Even without our powers. I'm still a tiger, RD
is still an evil genius, and Fianna still probably has more physical strength
than any of us. The Puritan can prevent us from making further changes, but he
can't undo what's been done.
They made it well
into the tree line before Fianna set Tiger down gently. She tried her feet and
found she did indeed have the use of her left hind leg back, although the pain
from her right was searing. Fianna staggered to a large tree nearby, leaned
against it, then slid down to sit, hanging his massive head in exhaustion.
"What's going
on?! I heard shots!"
"Sher
Kahn!" Tiger cried in joy. "God am I glad to see you!" Quickly
she recapped the events thus far for the Siberian.
"So we have to
get Mumm-Ra to help us, hmm?" Kahn said with a snort. "Good luck. But
if that's all we have, then we'll just have to run with it. Sunrise is in two
hours, can you travel?"
"I think
so," Tiger said. "Fianna?"
The caninoid did
not respond. Irritated, Tiger hobbled over to him. "Hey nincompoop,
c'mon!" she said, nudging him. "We've got a dealine here, this is no
time to fall asleep."
The caninoid tipped
over sideways onto the ground, a great wash of bright green blood pouring from
his muzzle. His eyes were fixed open, and glassy.
"FIANNA!"
Tiger screamed, stumbling backwards. Sher Kahn came up alongside her and began
to examine the unmoving author.
"Judging by
these entrance and exit wounds, I think he took a shot right through the
lungs," the Siberian said. "And he still killed Larry and carried you
into the woods?" He looked back at the dead author with new respect.
"Yeah,"
Tiger said weakly. "I didn't even think he'd been hit, I never asked him
if he was okay, I..."
"Snap out of
it Tee Tee," Kahn growled. "There was nothing you could have done to
help even if you had known."
Tiger shook her
head fiercely. "It not over yet Kahn. We can fix all of this, bring Fianna
and Tygra both back. All we gotta do is beat that sonuvabitch Puritan."
Kahn nodded and
moved off through the woods. Tiger began to follow, then stopped. She looked
back over her shoulder at the body of her fallen friend, lying on the
blood-soaked ground.
"Yeah,"
she whispered hoarsely. "That's all we gotta do."
********
The door of the
Black Pyramid stood open as the two quadrapeds approached it. Peering nervously
through the door, they looked for any obvious signs of threat. When nothing
lept out at them, they advanced down the darkened corridor.
Soon they were
standing in the great chamber at the Pyramid's heart, gazing across the
cauldron to the dreaded sarcophagus as the four statues of the Ancient Spirits
of Evil bore their eternal mute witness to their intrusion.
"Let me handle
this," Kahn said confidently. The Siberian stepped to the edge of the pool
and called out, "Mighty Mumm-Ra! We beseech your aid on behalf of our
friend and your disciple, RD Rivero! Come forth from your eternal slumber, that
may treat with you!"
Minutes passed.
Nothing happened. Tiger snorted and stepped beside the Siberian. "Let me
handle this, nyaaa," she jeered.
"YO
BANDAGE-BUTT! GET YER SHRIVELED ASS OUT HERE BEFORE I USE YOUR SCRYING POOL FOR
A LITTER BOX!"
As the sarcophagus
began to scrape open, she said "See Kahn? It's all about
communication."
The famed demon
priest emerged from his resting place and shuffled to the edge of his raised
dias.
"A rug,"
the undead creature intoned, looking at Tiger. Then to Sher Kahn he added,
"And matching drapes."
"I can see why
you and RD get along," Tiger quipped. "But if you don't help take out
this Puritan, your gonna be down a disciple by noon."
"So
what?" Mumm-Ra said levelly. "If Rivero was worthy of my patronage,
he would be able to attend to this matter without my aid. If he dies, I am, as
you put it, 'down' by a disciple I had no use for."
Tiger looked at
Kahn and shrugged. The Siberian then called out, "Consider this then,
Mighty One! The Puritan is a being designed to impose logical order on the
universe, and it's power grows daily. How long will it be before the Puritan
determines a magical mummy to be an illogical chaos, and dismisses you from
existance?"
Mumm-Ra chuckled.
"Nice try four-foot. But I belong here, and as such I am safe from
interference by this being."
"Elixer!"
Tiger yelled.
"What?"
Mumm-Ra snarled.
"Elixer,"
she repeated. "'And Then The Male', 'Mumm-Ra's Happy Garden'. All of these
stories, generated by RD Rivero, allowed you to do the very thing eternally
denied you in this continuity, namely destroy the Thundercats! With RD dead,
it's back to losing for you!"
Mumm-Ra paused,
considering. As he did, Sher Kahn spoke up again.
"With the
Puritan in place, fanfiction in the Thundercat Universe will efectively end,
not just for us but for all authors. That means no more Mooncat fics,
either!"
"NO MOONCAT
STORIES?!!" The mummy roared. "After ten-thousand years somebody
gives me an active sex life, and now this miserable figment of RD Rivero's
imagination is trying to castrate me?! NEVER!!!! ANCIENT SPIRITS Of
EVIL..."
"Nicely
done," Tiger whispered to Sher Kahn.
"After a few
thousand years of a dry spell, I figured that would set him off," Kahn
chuckled.
As the
transformation into a fearsome warrior of evil wound down, Mumm-Ra roared,
"I SHALL GRANT YOUR REQUEST, WEAKLING MORTALS, AND DESTROY THIS ENTITY
THAT PLAGUES YOU! NOT FOR THE SAKE OF RIVERO THE UNWORTHY, NOR FOR THE BENEFIT
OF THOU ALLIES OF THE HATED THUNDERCATS, BUT BECAUSE NOBODY, NOBODY MESSES
WITH MUMM-RA THE EVERLIVING'S PIECE OF ASS!!!!"
And then all three
of them disappeared.
To Be Continued...
********
The crisis comes to
a head! The Geraldo references may be a little old for you whipper-snappers out
there, but suffice to say he once had a talk show :)
Cause and Effect
A Thunderballs Riff
Part 4 - Breaking
the Law
"Good morning
Third Earth! This is Geraldo Rivera, coming to you live from the Berbil Village
courthouse, where at any moment the jury is expected to return and render a
'guilty' verdict on the infamous tiger killer, RD Rivero."
"I am joined
today by our local correspondent, Cheesey, who seems to have obtained an
advance copy of my new autobiography, heh heh."
Sitting beside
Rivera at the back of the courthouse, Cheezey scanned the table of contents for
the manuscript.
"'My Torrid
Affair with Slinky Avenger'?" she read aloud. "'My Torrid Affair with
Thundera Tiger'?! 'My Torrid Affair with CHEEZEY THE LUNATAC'?!!"
At that precise
moment, the roof of the courthouse lifted away from the walls as though struck
by a hurricane. An immense chunk of concrete fell from the crumbling structure
and landed on Geraldo Rivera, crushing the newsman flat. Suprisingly, his nose
was unharmed.
The assembly within
the courthouse mobbed the doors, screaming in terror and struggling for egress,
when above the clamor a sepulcherous voice rang out.
"PURITAN!!
PREPARE TO RECIEVE UPON THYSELF, A WORLD-CLASS CAN OF WHOOP-ASS!!"
At it's seat at the
bench, the Puritan had never moved, observing the assault on it's house of
judgement as if unconcerned. Now, as Mumm-Ra and a pair of airsick-looking
tigers dropped through the opening where the roof had been, the creature looked
absolutely unimpressed.
Not feeling a need
to articulate his position further, Mumm-Ra the Everliving began blasting away
at the Puritan even as he and the tigers set down. The bolts of red lightning
struck the creature and sizzled along it's outer hide and costume, leaving trails
of scorched cloth and steaming red flesh in their passing.
The Puritan rose
from the bench, stepped down from the platform and walked unhurriedly towards
Mumm-Ra. The creature did not flinch or otherwise acknowledge the tremendous
wounds it received as the undead warrior's barrage continued unabated. It
closed to within a few feet of Mumm-Ra, and then it lunged forward.
The Puritan's
fingers penetrated the thick muscle of Mumm-Ra's chest. As the warrior priest
looked down in shock, his electrical attack faltering, the Puritan folded it's
hand around his sternum, grasping it like a handle.
One handed, the
Puritan lifted the suddenly-screaming mummy from the ground, then drove him
down onto his back. The sound of Mumm-Ra's bones breaking under the impact echoed
across the otherwise silent room like gunshots. The mummy continued to scream
as the Puritan repeated the movement again, then again.
By the fourth
stroke, Mumm-Ra had stopped screaming. The Puritan released it's hold, allowing
it's victim to fall to the ground in a bloody blue mass the consitency of
jell-o. The mummy began to disintegrate, and in seconds he was gone.
The Puritan stood
up straight, and the assembly could see the wounds it'd sustained regenerating rapidly,
it's burnt clothing knitting and repairing itself. The mummy-gore on it's hand
began to blacken, then turned to gray ash. The Puritan brushed it's hands
together, then turned towards Thundera Tiger and Sher Kahn.
"SHIT!!"
the tigers cried in unison and turned to run, but before they got two steps,
the floor beneath them rose up in tentacles and bound them securely. The floor
shifted, turning them, carrying them to the front of the audience box where the
Puritan stood waiting.
"YOU ARE HELD
IN CONTEMPT OF COURT," the Puritan said. "YOU WILL FACE JUDGEMENT FOR
THIS AND OTHER CRIMES, AS I THINK OF THEM, AFTER THE SENTENCING OF RD
RIVERO."
For a split second,
RD saw a glimmer of hope. "WAIT!" he yelled as the creature returned
to the bench. "You just killed a primary character, the very crime you
accuse me of! If you are to judge me, then you must likewise judge
yourself!"
The Puritan
actually smiled. "NICE TRY, RIVERO, BUT WE ALL KNOW MUMM-RA IS NOT DEAD.
HE WILL REFORM IN HIS PYRAMID SHORTLY, TOO WEAKEND TO INTERFERE FURTHER WITH
THESE AUGUST PROCEEDINGS."
At that moment, the
door by the jury box opened and Snarfer trotted into the room. He hopped up
onto his tail and handed a piece of paper to the Puritan. He dropped back down
and paused to flip RD "the bird" before waddling back out of the
courtroom.
The Puritan read
the paper, then folded it and set it aside. "I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED
THAT THE JURY HAS REACHED A VERDICT."
"A
verdict?" Cochran said weakly. "But we haven't even presented a
defense!"
"BEHAVIOR SUCH
AS THAT OF RD RIVERO IS INDEFENSIBLE," the Puritan retorted. "AS
THESE WORTHY ONES ARE SURELY AWARE," he added as the jurors began to file
back into the jury box.
Tiger looked at RD,
meeting his panicked expression with one of resignation. She was in too much
pain to struggle like Kahn, who cursed and swore and clawed at his bonds.
I'm sorry Tygra,
she
thought. Sorry nincompoop. We tried our best.
"MISTER
FOREMAN, HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT?"
The man in blue
rose. "We have, your honor."
"AND HOW DO
YOU FIND THE DEFENDANT?"
"We find the
defendant, RD Rivero, not guilty."
"WHAT?!"
Both RD and the Puritan yelled simultaneously.
"I'm sorry
your honor," the Blue One said. "But in spite of this repulsive,
pornographic tripe he writes, you never presented a single shred of evidence
that he actually killed this 'Tygra' person, at least in this instance."
Beside him, the
blonde mystic rose and addressed the court. "But that isn't all, your
honor. We of the jury have some experience with fanfiction ourselves, some of
it positive, some negative, and what we have seen here is very
troubling.."
The Blue One
nodded. "It's the goal of every artist to see his work reflected in the
minds of his patrons. For years, money has been the only measure of that
impact, and a poor measure at that. Fanfiction, this free-wheeling expression
of inspiration and joy, is the surest evidence that our creators did not labor
in vain."
"But the
creative act requires freedom, the latitude to present each author's own unique
vision. Those visions may be sublime or repellant, as the reader chooses, but
they could never come to pass if the writers are bound to strict standards of
'acceptable' characterization, 'authorized' storylines or 'standardized'
scientific elements."
"So what we're
thinking," the orange clad martial artist interjected suspiciously.
"Is that maybe having you around isn't such a such a good idea."
"Yeah, like
maybe you're the one who killed that hunky tiger so you could get everybody
into trouble!" the blonde girl added.
"SILENCE!!!"
the Puritan roared. "THIS CANNOT BE! THIS WILL NOT BE! THIS TRIAL
IS OVER!! RD RIVERO DIES NOW!"
The Puritan leapt
to it's feet and extended a hand towards the wide-eyed author. A tremendous
gout of red-orange fire leapt forth from the creature's palm, surging towards
it's creator.
Then it was
interrupted in it's flight of destruction by a broad chest emblazoned with a
majestic "S" emblem. "I think you've done enough damage,"
the superhero said as the Puritan's attack faltered. The alien warrior flew
forward with incredible speed, delivering a punch so powerful that the floor
beneath the Puritan's feet cracked, the judge's bench shattered into wooden
fragments, and the wall behind the creature crumbled to the ground outside.
The Puritan's head
snapped back, then came forward again. Without a word, it lashed out with a
backhand left that knocked the entire audience out of their seats and sent the
blue-clad warrior sailing up, up and away.
The black-robed
warrior sprang over the jury bench. The metal tube in his hand suddenly sprang
to life, emitting a four-foot shaft of green plasma that he held in front of
him, sword-like.
The Puritan stepped
off the podium and began to advance towards the warrior, but was suddenly
intersected by a dizzying flurry of punches and kicks from the orange-clad
youth with the erupting hair. Distracted, the creature suffered numerous blows
as it redirected it's attention.
Thundera Tiger
watched this combat in awe. True, she'd seen these combatants numerous times on
screen, but never in person, and the display of personal firepower was
breathtaking.
Suddenly her bonds
vaanished, dumping her to the floor with a cry of pain as her broken hip
grated. Sher Kahn landed with a thud beside her.
"He's
weakening!" the Siberian exulted.
"No, he's
distracted," Tiger replied grimly. "His mind is too narrow to handle
that much input."
The Puritan
completed it's reorientation on the martial artist and lashed out in a
two-fisted punch that drove the youth across the room and through another wall.
He flew like a cannonball over the Berbil village and out of sight beyond the
horizon, in the direction of Cat's Lair.
Echoing back from
his flight path came an enormous crash, and the great black head of the famed
Thundercat fortress could be seen tumbling to the ground amidst a tremondous
rising cloud of dust and ash.
"Ooo, they're
not gonna like that," Axelle remarked to Tatiana from where they crouched
by the room's only remaining window. "Cheetara just redecorated
again."
The Puritan again
advanced on the knight, who stood his ground firmly. Suddenly, a small red form
appeared on the creature’s shoulder.
"You're berry
naughty!" she screeched, then slapped the Puritan in the face with a
red-hot muffin pan. The creature reeled back, howling in suprise and pain,
clawing at the offending metal as the sprite dropped down to the ground and
scampered away.
In the opening she
created, the remaining heroes combined their forces for an all-out assault. The
swordsman lowered his blade and closed his eyes, then lifted his hand skyward.
Incredibly, the Puritan left the ground as he did so, thrashing in mid-air,
unable to move.
Then the
white-caped being with the black cowl stepped forward, aimed his closed fist at
the creature, and pressed a set of switches on the band covering that forearm.
Instantly the Puritan was bathed in searing red energy from the powerful bands.
The blue-clad
champion returned from the sky, adding devastating heat rays emitted from his
eyes to the mix while the red sprite threw baked treats at the creature.
Volcano-hair returned, streaking in like a fiery comet, to deliver a barrage of
devastating energy bursts.
"Look!"
Sher Kahn yelled. "He's cracking up!"
It was true. Across
the surface of the Puritan's outer shell, tiny fissures began to appear. They
would close briefly as the creature healed itself, then reappear, slightly
longer, slightly wider, under the heroes' relentless assault.
Tiger looked
around, and felt her heart sink as she saw the heroes beginning to show the
strain. The swordsman's face wore a sheen of sweat over it's placid expression,
the martial artist was tiring visibly, and the ghostly one had changed arms to
bring a fresh power band to bear.
"One
more!" she cried. "We need one more attacker!"
"I've got
him!" yelled the blonde girl. At the back of the heroes, she removed her
tiera and began a graceful pirouette. "Moon...Prism..POWerk.."
She suddenly
pitched forward, the wooden handle of a steak knife jutting from her spine,
Axelle behind her with blood on her hands. The authors stared at her in horror,
and for a moment the normally unflappable assassin flapped.
"I DON'T
CARE!!" she screamed. "I'D RATHER DIE THAN BE RESCUED BY TRAILER
TRASH MOON!"
*****
"Pika
pika!"
"NO! You can't
go!"
"Pika!"
" What if
they're wrong?! What if something happens to you?! You've already spoiled me
for all other men! I can't live without you!"
"Pikachuuuuu!"
"Alright, I
understand. You have to do what you have to do. One last kiss, for luck."
*****
The ability of the
Puritan to withstand injury was based on it's ability to rationalize it's
opponents. The alien it could comprehend, as it did the Saiyen warrior. The
science-based power bands of the humanoid were easier to dismiss even then
those. The strawberry shortcakes were actually quite tasty.
True, dealing with
this many foes was taxing on the Puritan's narrow mind, but what it could not
explain away, it could endure. As the warriors faltered, which they inevitably
would, the Puritan could begin to explain them out of the Thundercat
continuity. Then nothing would stand between itself and the hated authors of
TCATGR.
Then it heard a
strange cry from the back of the room, a female Thunderian voice. "Come
back to me, my love!" she wailed. And over the stands there floated a bizzare
creature, some kind of rodent, perhaps, or as it even a mammal?
What the hell is
that thing? the
Puritan thought.
Confronted with a
creature that defied all explanation, the Puritan was absolutely defensless
when it struck.
********
"PIKA!"
The rodent warrior
rose high above the combatants, gathering it's energy from Third Earth's
magnetic field.
"PIKA!"
Static electricity
began to emanate from the animal, filling the air around it with small
discharges and an aurora borealis-like glow
"PIKAAAAA..."
The assembled
spectators could feel the hair rise on their heads and bodies. Thundera Tiger
and Sher Kahn both looked as though they'd been put into the dryer without any
Bounce sheets.
"CHUUUUUU!!!"
Lightning exploded
from the rodent's body like a stroke from a thunderhead. The bright white flash
lanced jaggedly through the air and slammed into the embattled Puritan. A
deafening thunderclap blasted across the clearing, sending authors, characters
and heroes alike flying.
At the epicenter,
the Puritan continued to hover in mid-air. It's body glowed white-hot as it
thrashed about, it's unearthly screams of agony shrieking out to the unfeeling
sky, until a final, ear-splitting crescendo was reached.
Then it exploded,
generating a plume of silvery nova-fire that tore away from the earth and
blazed skyward in a geyser of harsh, white radiance. The clouds overhead boiled
and seethed outward as the discharge burned it's path out of the atmosphere,
continuing on into the darkest reaches of cold, cold space.
********
"Damn, can I
do a finale or what?"
"FIANNA!"
Tiger screamed and pounced on the caninoid. "YOU'RE ALIVE!"
The caninoid caught
the tiger and laughed. "Well, I am now, anyway." He set the tiger
down. "Notice your leg is better, too?"
Tiger hopped around
merrily. "Yep, all fixed! I guess that means we've got our powers
back."
"In that
case," Sher Kahn snarled, "Why do I still look like a koosh
ball?!"
Fianna chuckled.
"Because this is my story, and I think you look good that way!"
"Well I think
you'll look good with your head in your hand!" the tiger yelled and
pounced. Instantly the two were rolling across the grass in combat.
"Looks like
everything is back to normal," RD said as he, Axelle and Tatiana joined
Tiger. "I notice our heroes are gone."
"It was the
Puritan that called them here," Tiger said. "With it gone, they went
back home."
"Interesting,"
Rivero mused. "A moron once told me if you give someone power as unto the
gods, they'll find a way to destroy the gods themselves. Hmm. Maybe he wasn't
such a moron after all."
They stood watching
the battle for a few moments when Lucifer Daimou ran into sight, still pursued
by Slinky Avenger and her Keebler doll.
"He's gonna
get you LD, he's gonna hey!"
Abruptly the youth
slammed on the brakes and turned around. He swatted the doll out of Slinky's
hand, then grabbed the back of her neck, dipped her, and kissed her long and
hard.
The kiss lingered,
then lingered some more. Fianna and Kahn stopped wrestling to watch. Axelle
looked at her watch and began to time it. RD yawned.
LD stood back up,
swinging Slinky to her feet. The lizardette reeled unsteadily, her eyeballs
spinning in opposite directions. Then he turned to Fianna, clasped his hands
together under his chin, and said, "Thank you!" Then he ran off again.
"HEY!"
Slinky yelled, regaining her senses. "Come back here and finish what you
started! Grrr, just like a man..." she snarled as she set off in pursuit.
Fianna released his
choke hold on Sher Kahn, put a hand on the tiger's head and levered himself to
his feet. "Well, I guess that's that," he said.
"Not
quite," Thundera Tiger growled as two more figures joined the group,
running up from the direction of Barney the Purple Spaceship.
"What
happened?!" they yelled as they drew near.
To Be Continued...
********
And now, the
thrilling conclusion!
Cause and Effect
A Thunderballs Riff
Part 5 - Upholding
the Law
"Is everyone
okay?" OJ asked.
"Oh don't
worry, Mister Simpson," Tatiana said snidely. "We're just fine, no
thanks to you!"
"What's that
supposed to mean?!" Lady Thundera squawked.
"Isn't it
obvious?" Axelle said, smiling visciously as she wiped Sailor Moon's blood
from her hands with RD's shirt sleeve. "I'm a knife expert, you know. I
wonder, Orenthal, just where you were the night Tygra died, hmm?"'
Simpson looked
suddenly nervous, but before he could speak, Lady Thundera growled, "Back
off, Axelle! Orenthal was with me that night!"
"All
night?" Sher Kahn asked.
"Yes! And what
the hell happened to your fur?" LT replied.
"All
night?" a soft voice asked.
Everyone turned to
see RD Rivero, his expression kindly, but just a bit sad.
"All night,
LT?" he repeated. "We both know that isn't true."
"GASP!"
said everyone.
All eyes shifted back
to LT, whose own eyes were suddenly brimming with tears. "All b-but those
two hours when he went to the Wollo village for take-out, and I...I..."
"You mean you
snuck over to this loser's room while I was out getting dinner?!" OJ said
incredulously. "Aw man! If that just don't take the cake!"
To everyone else he
said, "And you can all take your opinions and stick 'em up your asses, you
freaks! People think I'm nuts! Hah!"
"There's a
simple way to settle this," Tiger said. "Just bring Tygra back. He'll
tell us who attacked him."
"On it,"
RD said, reaching for his notepad.
"I don't think
so!" Tiger snapped menacingly. "Fianna, would you do the
honors?"
The caninoid
produced his famous palmtop and began to type. "Suddenly Tygra appeared
before them..."
Suddenly Tygra
appeared before them, hale and whole. The Thundercat looked around, saw RD
Rivero and screamed.
"My god!"
Tatiana gasped. "RD did kill him!"
"No I
didn't," RD said, examining his fingernails. "Tygra always does that
when he sees me."
"RD?" Tygra
said weakly as Thundera Tiger came over and allowed the Thundercat to lean on
her shoulders.. "No, no, it wasn't RD that jumped me. It was that
guy." And he pointed directly at OJ Simpson.
Instantly Simpson
grabbed Lady Thundera from behind. Producing a huge Rambo-style knife from
beneath his shirt, he held the tip to the author's throat.
"Anybody
moves, and she's history!" he snapped.
"What are you
doing?!" Lady Thundera yelped. "Killing tigers isn't a crime, it's a
public service! Let go of me!"
"But trying to
do away with all of us is quite another matter," Axelle snarled, slowly
moving to her left.
"Back off,
girl!" OJ yelled, half-turning to face the assassin, dragging LT along
with him. "I'm not fooling around here!"
With Axelle
thwarted, Simpson turned his attention to LT. "Don't you see, baby? I had
to do it. I knew you still had feelings for that loser Rivero. I had to get rid
of him so there wouldn't be anything to distract you from me."
"YOU
IDIOT!" LT howled. "YOU HURT MY FRIENDS, LIE TO ME, HOLD A KNIFE TO
MY THROAT, AND TELL ME YOU DID IT SO WE COULD BE TOGETHER?!"
"HEY!"
Simpson yelled back, releasing her shoulders in favor of a fistful of hair.
"Don't make me mad! Nicole made me mad, and you saw what I did, I mean,
what happened to her!"
RD started forward,
but was restrained by a huge green-furred arm across his path.
"No,"
Fianna said, watching the couple intently. "This is hers. She earned
it."
"OW!" LT
yelled as Simpson jerked her hair. "THAT DOES IT! NOBODY MESSES WITH THE
'DO!" And she put both hands on top of her head and bent sharply, yanking
herself free and backpedalling away from the dangerous weapon in Simpson's
hand.
"Bitch!"
Simpson yelled and slashed at her. But this was Lady Thundera, not some kid
from a restaraunt or abused ex-spouse. She stepped into the blow, blocking it
at the elbow, and snapped her own elbow up, splitting OJ's lip and breaking his
nose. As he reeled backwards, she delivered a lunging forward kick that knocked
the ex-football player from his feet, sending him flying.
Simpson landed hard
on his back, stunned but not out. As LT came towards him to finish the job, he
threw the knife at her face. Ducking out of the way, she was off-balance when
OJ swept her feet out from under her.
She tried to roll
away, but Simpson had the lead. Gathering a fistfull of hair, he yanked the
writer to her feet and into a choke hold. He used his size and strength to lift
her from the ground, taking her leverage as well as her oxygen.
LT kicked
desparately, her nails digging furrows into Simpson's skin, but to no avail.
The struggle spun them around, and head over the others, she could see Fianna's
green dog face break into a dopey smile.
Okay, maybe the
chicken nuggets was a bit...much," she thought as consciousness began to fail her.
Suddenly Simpson
howled, sending a lance of pain through LT's ear, jarring her to awareness as
he dropped her and staggered away. On hands and knees, she turned her head to
see what had freed her.
From the crotch of
OJ's trousers dangled a small white poodle, too big to be a toy, too small to
be a minature. The little animal was growling like a demon, shaking it's entire
body ferociously as it dug it's teeth in deeper, driving OJ's voice up by
octaves as it did.
Simpson grabbed the
dog and yanked it off of himself, then threw it to the ground. Stunned, the
poodle tried to stand up, but not before OJ lifted his foot to punt the
creature straight through the pearly goal posts.
But the kick
wouldn't come. Suddenly nothing OJ had seemed to work right. His legs were like
water, and he could feel urine running down his legs in a warm stream. His arms
were not responsive either, and as his head rolled forward, he caught sight of
the knife handle jutting from his chest and wondered how it had gotten there.
He looked up and
saw Lady Thundera, a few feet away, arm extended towards the ground in
follow-through from throwing the weapon.
Oh, that’s how, he thought, then his
knees buckled. He was dead by the time he hit the ground.
Lady Thundera
picked up the small dog and rejoined the group, walking straight to Fianna.
"Does this belong to you?" she asked.
"More like I
belong to her, actually. When she found out OJ was here, she asked to be
involved in his destruction," Fianna replied, taking the poodle into his
arms. The little dog nuzzled him a moment, then looked at each female writer in
turn and growled. Then she looked at RD and growled anyway, just on general
principle.
"Territorial,
isn't she?" Axelle snickered.
"What'd I
do?" RD whimpered
"It's not your
fault," Fianna grinned. "I talk about you guys too much. She doesn't
like to share my attention with anybody."
Lady Thundera came
forward and patted the poodle on the head. "Well thank you for the backup
over there, and thank you also for sharing your treasure with us. This place
would be alot less, uh, screwball without him."
The small dog
looked up at Fianna quizzically. "She's with him," he said, tilting
his head towards RD.
"I AM
NOT!" LT complained, but the poodle seemed satisfied. She hopped up on her
hind legs, licked the caninoid once on the end of the muzzle, and disappeared.
"Sooo,"
Tiger said, strolling nonchalantly towards RD and LT. "If you weren't with
OJ the night Tygra died, just where were you, Lady Thundera?"
The rest of the
group gathered close, pinning the author with their eyes. "Um,
uh...," she stuttered.
"Oh good
grief," RD sighed. "Let's just tell them and be done with it."
"RD, no! After
all the denials and double-entendre and..."
"It's
true," Rivero announced. "We were together. We were...we
were..."
Nothing moved.
Nobody spoke.
"Watching
'Sailor Moon'," the Master of All Evil concluded, hanging his head in
shame.
"GASP!"
Everyone said.
"I shoulda let
the Puritan have you," Thundera Tiger growled.
"You see?!
That's precisely why RD never told you, because we knew you'd all react like
that," LD scolded. "Artists like RD are always willing to accept new
input, regardless of the source. But you HACKS could never understand
that!"
The writers looked
at each other for a long moment, then exploded in laughter, falling-down
eye-watering laughter.
"Hmph!"
LT snorted, then took RD by the hand. "Come along, dear. We can watch the
silver rainbow crystal saga while we decide what horrible things we're going to
do to these jerks!"
When everyone
recovered enough to move, they got up and began to walk back towards the Purple
Spaceship.
"I don't buy
it," Fianna chuckled. "Maybe she was using OJ to get RD
jealous."
"Maybe it's
the initials?" LD said beside him. "First RD, then OJ?"
"Nah, it's the
evil, little brother," Fianna said sagely. "Chicks dig evil."
*****
In all the
confusion, nobody noticed that one of their number was absent.
From the burnt-out,
blown-down wreckage of the courthouse, a slim cheetah in a smudged lab coat
crawled. Once free, she sat on an ash heap and moaned sorrowfully.
"My love, my
love, gone forever!" Zhie sobbed. "The only thing left for me now is
to drown my sorrows in toxic levels of alcoholic libation."
She extended her
hand and an extra-large bottle of Gentleman Jack appeared there. She raised the
bottle to her lips, then paused.
"Waitasec!"
she cried. "I got my powers back!" Digging inside her labcoat, she
produced a small blue prescription pad and scribbled illegibly on it.
On the street
beside the courthouse apppeared a tall creature, lavender in color, vaguely
feline in form. A pair of short antennae jutted from atop it's oddly feline
head, while it’s immense blue eyes scanned the area in puzzlement.
Then it felt a tap
on it’s shoulder. The creature turned, and registered alarm as the cheetah
grabbed it’s shoulders and pulled it close, rubbing against it in a very
disconcerting manner.
“Hi there, tall,
purple and genetically-enhanced,” she purred. “Wanna be my scratching post?”
The End
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