This riff was composed in a single two-hour setting, with just one rewrite to check for grammar errors. In it, I introduced what I THOUGHT to be the ultimate conceptual weapon, until RD himself trumped it with his Puritan :)
For setup, the Anti-Tiger spaceship has been turned into a towering purple dinosaur by Tygra and his magical Ring of the Snarf. Team Tiger has infiltrated the transformed vessel and is hiding in it's mouth when Thundera Tiger's chapter ends, and mine begins...
RD Saves the Day!
>>This story is a little early Christmas present. It is dedicated to Thundera Tiger for limitless inspiration, to Axelle for mentioning Third Earth lawyers, but most of all to our beloved RD Rivero, for reasons which shall become obvious.<<
On the bridge of Barney the Purple Spaceship, RD Rivero, Lady Thundera and Fianna could actually feel Thundera Tiger's chronology depart, returning them to their semi-normal selves. The bridge door slid open, admitting Shark and Zhie. They went without coment to their seats, Zhie looking underneath hers for her bottle, Shark surveying the sensor readouts.
In the command chair, RD suddenly looked up, his eyes unfocused, a vague expression of unease coming over him.
"Something wrong, cuddle bunny?" Lady Thundera asked as she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"I sense a disturbance in the Force," Rivero said cryptically.
Shark turned to the group. "Nothing on the sensors. Looks like..." He never got any further. The section of hull behind him suddenly sprang a dozen holes, a matching set appearing simultaneously in Shark's body. The fish-man flopped forward onto the deck in a spreading puddle of his own blood.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Zhie screamed.
Fianna rushed to the fallen mer-man. "Dead as a kipper," he pronounced, then noticed a slug lying on the deck. He picked it up and displayed it for the others.
"What is it?" Lady Thundera asked.
Fianna examined it a moment, then noticed a flap on one side. He pulled at it and the slug began to unroll. It finally unfurled into a long piece of paper. The caninoid's eyes widened in fear and horror as he read what was written there.
"Well, what is it?" RD demaned.
Fianna turned the ribbon over so they could read the ornate text. It said "CEASE AND DESIST".
"As I thought," RD said grimly. "A lawyer."
"ATTENTION COPYRIGHT VIOLATORS!"
The words echoed off the interior walls of the bridge, driving the companions to their knees as they covered their ears. Outside the vessel's viewport, they saw a blond human float into view, dangling by both hands from a briefcase that was affixed with a large cannon barrel and a jet thruster.
"I represent the owners of the Thundercats (c) television program, all likenesses and assigns. You have been found guilty of copyright infringment. You are hereby ordered to cease all fanfic activity and surrender yourselves to me at once!"
"Oh shit," Zhie whispered hoarsely.
"Hang on," Fianna growled. "I know what'll stop him." The caninoid leaped to his feet and dashed out the bridge door. He raced up a long set of spiral stairs to an overhead trap door, which he flung open without missing a step. Atop the head of the Purple Spaceship, he strode boldly to the nose as his fingers flew on his palmtop. He finished typing, closed the computer and returned it to his belt pouch. He extended his hand, and a yellowed parchment document appeared there.
"HEY YOU!" he yelled. As the lawyer rocketed towards him, Fianna yelled, "This is a copy of the US Constitution! Fanfiction is done on a non-profit basis, and legally amounts to a conversation among friends. Therefore, it is protected free speech! And besides, aren't you the guy from 'Space Harrier' anyway?"
The lawyer came near, then fired, shooting a neat hole through the First Amendment. "The Constitution has always been open to legal interpretation," he said evenly. "Just look at Florida's election problems. And after Sega dropped my contract, I had to find a new gig."
Then he blasted Fianna off the tip of Barney's nose. The caninoid howled as he plummeted, ending in a loud splatter of torn flesh and neon-green blood far below.
*****
From hiding within the mouth of Barney, Thundera Tiger, Axelle, Cheetara, Panthro, Tygra and Pumyra heard the exchange and watched as Fianna fell past them.
"Oh my God, he killed Fianna!" Cheetara gasped.
"YOU BAS...no waitaminnit, isn't that a good thing?" Panthro asked. "He was our opponent, after all."
"No way," Thundera Tiger replied. "This guy is a menace to us all. Tygra, use the ring of the Snarf! Nothing could withstand that much cuteness and live!"
"I'm cuted out. Here, you do it,” Tygra said, passing the ring to Panthro. Panthro slipped the ring on and walked to the mouth of the ship, where he could see the attorney hovering outside.
As he aimed the ring, Cheetara suddenly yelled, "Wait!" She ran up beside the panther, grabbed his free left hand and clamped it onto her right breast. "For luck," she said. Panthro nodded, then once again took aim.
"Wait!" Pumyra yelled. She dashed over beside Cheetara, took the cheetah's free left hand and clamped it onto her own right breast. Everyone stared at the puma. Nobody moved. Finally her eyes filled with tears and she blubbered, "I just wanted to be involved."
Panthro snorted and again took aim. As he focused his attention on the power of the Snarf, the others began to chant, "Come on Snarf, come on Snarf, come on..."
They were interrupted by a loud cracking sound that sent the three Thundercats pitching forward out of Barney's mouth. Their screams mingled as they tumbled the length of the Purple Spaceship's body, to add three more splat marks beside Fianna's.
Thunder Tiger and Axelle spun to see Tygra recoiling his whip.
"YOU!" Tiger roared.
"Yes, me," Tygra said mildly. "I called the lawyer and turned you all in. I certainly can't let the Snarf ruin my plans now."
"But...but why?" Thundera Tiger asked, hurt. "We were friends!"
"Why?" Tygra said. "Because this is the only chance I may ever have to be rid of you! Rid of your endless manipulations! First RD kills me, repeatedly I might add, then draws me as a homosexual. Then you kick my ass and send me off to Kentro for further beatings and slave labor! Then Fianna portrays me as an Alan Alda-type wuss in that stupid 'Ties' story! Like I care about Cheetara's feelings when I'm finally getting laid! HAH!"
The tiger regained some of his composure and said, "In any case, while I'm rid of the Snarf and two particularly dangerous authors, I still have you two to deal with. You're both too talented, and therefore too dangerous, to leave alive, even if Axelle is semi-retired. So..." Tygra unlimbered his whip as Axelle and Thundera Tiger backed away, towards the gaping maw of Barney. With a look of wicked glee, Tygra drew back his arm to strike.
Then the Thundercat vaporized in a tremendous roar, showering the human and feline females in a bloody spray of cat juices. The mouth was filled with smoke and steam as gore drained into their eyes, blinding them. Then from out of the morass they heard a voice.
"You see, Axelle, the TRUE master of evil understands the ancient maxim, 'Keep your friends close...'"
The smoke cleared revealing RD Rivero and his surviving companions, Tatiana, Zhie and Snarf.. In Rivero's hands was his famous obscenely long double-barrel elephant gun, the muzzles smoking furiously.
"'Keep your enemies closer'," he finished, lowering the weapon to his side.
"How much did you hear?" Tiger asked.
"All of it. I knew there there was something about that Thundercat I just didn't like. Anyhow, I have a plan, but we have to get off the ship before..."
Then, predictably, Barney the Purple Spaceship lurched wildly.
*****
Having disposed of the green nincompoop who'd challenged him earlier, the lawyer set about ferreting out the rest of his targets. He flitted about the saurian vessel, hammering at it with bursts from his Lawgiver, hoping to hit an author or, failing that, to do significant damage to the ship.
He saw the three Thundercats tumble out of the mouth of the dinosaur, but paid them no mind. They weren't on his list of designated offenders. Finally, he flew low and spied the vessel's ion exhaust port, at the juncture of the legs and tail. Smiling grimly, he shot Barney the Purple Spaceship straight up the ass.
The vessel listed violently as it's engine detonated in the leg sections. It's attitude jets fired repeatedly as it tilted further and further, to no avail. Several long seconds after the initial blow, Barney the Purple Spaceship crashed onto it's side in a rending of steel and burst of secondary explosions. Curiously, it continued to sing that annoying "I Love You, You Love Me" song to the last moment before impact silenced it.
Nodding in satisfaction, the lawyer began to fly a search pattern, looking for survivors.
*****
Thundera Tiger awoke to a tremendous pain in her head and a sensation of crushing weight on her body. Slowly, the realization that she might still be in danger crept into her awareness, and the great cat tried to heave herself free of the wreckage that pinned her. Her head and shoulders were clear, so she tried to wriggle forward, only to find she could not squeeze her hindquarters through the narrow space her body occupied. Then she braced her legs and shoved, trying to lift the twisted metal. She found she could move it, but not enough to pull free.
Then she heard footsteps coming, and terror clogged her throat and froze her heart. As they drew nearer, the tiger scrambled, pulled and thrashed, all to know avail. Helpless, shuddering in fear, she waited for the end.
"Hang on, I'm lookng for a hand-hold," the voice came. RD's voice, RD's beautiful, wonderful voice. The author found a grip and between them, they got Thundera Tiger free.
As the twisted metal fell back with a clang, Tiger asked, "Where are the others?"
"There," Rivero said grimly, pointing to a bloody hand sticking out of the purple wreckage. "That's Axelle, I think. And Tatiana's over there, or what's left of her anyway."
"Lady Thundera? Zhie?" Tiger asked.
RD's squeezed his eyes closed for a moment, then rubbed at them as though they itched. When he stopped, he just shook his head.
"So we're it, huh?" Tiger said quietly. "Alright, the lawyer's still out here someplace. What about your plan? Can it still work?"
Rivero gazed around, then seemed to fix on something in the near distance. His eyes lit with something akin to hope.
"Yes, yes, I think it can! Tiger, we can fix this!" he exclaimed.
"FREEZE!" they heard from behind. They spun to see the lawyer setting down behind them.
"GO!" Tiger roared, and threw herself at the litigationist. RD dashed away, zig-zagging to avoid presenting too good a target.
He needn't have worried. Thundera Tiger absorbed two slugs as she crashed into the lawyer, overbearing him. Her claws and fangs tore at the human, but his seersucker armor was impenetrable. Within seconds blood loss began to take it's toll and the tiger was making mistakes.
The lawyer got his feet under Thundera Tiger, trying to kick her off. Just then she heard, "I got your back!" Looking up, she saw Shere Kahn charging towards them.
In an impressive show of strength, the lawyer kicked Tiger away, sending her flying. As she flipped over, she saw RD in the distance, picking up something from the ground near where Fianna had splattered. Then she crashed into Shere Kahn, sending both tigers to the ground.
In the distance, RD heard two simultaneous roars of pain, accompanied by the machine-gun-like report of the lawyer's weapon. He knew time was running out.
Rivero sat down in the gore-soaked grass and examined his find. It was a belt pouch, still soaked in the bright green blood of it's deceased owner. RD knew from experience that the pouch was padded to protect it's contents. He could only hope the green nincompoop was as obsessive about protecting his prize as he was everything else.
RD opened the pouch and poured out a small black and gray palmtop computer onto his lap. He opened it and pressed the "on" key, breathing a sigh f relief when the screen lit up. A heartbeat later, he was typing furiously. He pressed the "enter" key just as he saw, in his peripheral vision, two feet touch the ground directly in front of him.
"Drop the keyboard and step away from it," the lawyer snarled.
RD did as he was told. When he was clear, he glared at the attorney and yelled, "Who the hell do you think you are?! You barge in here uninvited, wreck my place, kill my friends..."
"Your friends aren't dead," the lawyer said simply. "Dead people could never pay their individual damages of $1.28 apiece, or their share of the three-hundred-million-dollar court costs and attorney fees. Instead, I transported them out of here, to a place where they will be gainfully employed as they pay their debt, while remaining so busy that they will never again have the opportunity to trouble innocent media conglomerates."
Then the lawyer unlatched his brief case and opened it. Above the otherwise empty halves appeared a holographic image. The slain fanfic writers were there, chained by their necks to heavy wooden desks covered in ringing telephones. Amidst the din of voices and rings, RD was finally able to pick out a single phrase, repeated over and over again.
"America Online customer service, please hold. America Online customer service, please hold. America Online..." When they weren't answering phones, they were wailing and gnashing their teeth.
"My god!" RD cried. "You've consigned them to AOHell! Not even Fianna deserves that! Well, maybe Fianna, but the others!"
"Don't worry, Rivero," the lawyer said as he snapped his briefcase shut, then aimed it at RD's heart. "You'll be able to comfort them personally in just one or two seconds."
The lawyer pulled the trigger of his weapon. Nothing happened.
"What the hell?" the attorney muttered, looking at his briefcase in consternation as a slow smile spread across the face of the dreaded Master of All Evil . Then there was a loud pop of displaced air as another figure joined them on the gore-splattered field.
"JOHNNY CHOCHRAN!" the lawyer screamed in dismay.
"Yes, it is I," the famed defense attorney said. "And not a moment too soon, I see. I got your message, RD, and got here as soon as I could."
"But you have no authority here!" the lawyer cried. "This is a civil case!"
"There's nothing civil about it," Johnny retorted. "Considering that you acted entirely on your own."
"WHAT?!"
"That's right. I did my homework, and the rights to this show are being contested by several parties even as we speak. Nobody can accuse these fine citizens of wrong-doing until somebody has a legitimate claim to ownership."
"Then, then that means," the lawyer stammered, his face ashen.
Rivero's eyes glittered. "It means--"
The world lurched. Barney the Purple Spacecraft reappeared once more in the sky, as majestic as it was ever going to get. Then, in one deafening bang, close to a dozen fanfic authors reappeared, unharmed, behind their leader.
"--that you have no power here," RD concluded as his comrades surged forwards and grabbed the shrieking litigationist, bearing him to the ground in a flurry of curses, invections, fists and kicks.
"MWAAAHAHAHAHAH!!!" RD and Johnny Chochran roared together in victory.
*****
"I'm so sorry, my love," Tygra said softly. "Can you ever forgive me for what I did?"
"Of course, my darling," Thundera Tiger purred. Then she stomped on a large red button on the floor, and Tygra shrieked in agony as RD's automatic rack lengthend his spine by another inch.
"But not just yet," Tiger said cheerily as Tatiana stuffed a dirty sweatsock into the Thundercat's mouth to quiet him down.
RD's playroom had been overhauled for the party. The dank, dungeon-esque chamber was gone, replaced by light beige walls and walnut wainscot. The torture equipment was similiarly stylish, colored so the blood spatters wouldn't clash.
Rivero walked through the room, looking very much the dapper rogue. He came to the attorney's seat and paused. "Comfortable?" he asked.
"MY EYES!! MY EYES!! OH GOD MY EYES!!"
"Ah, good. Carry on then," he said with a smile, and walked on. He passed Axelle, engaged in converstion with Johnny Chochran.
"Normally, my fee is so high, you'd all have to go to work for Microsoft Network doing telemarketing," the famous lawyer said. "But I owed RD a favor, so this time I waived the charges."
"A favor?" Axelle asked.
"Yeah, a few years ago he put in a good word for me with Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living," he said. When Axelle's expression remained blank, he chuckled and added, "Oh come on. You don't think OJ walked out of there a free man without cutting SOME kind of deal with the devil, do you?"
In the corner, Fianna stood next to a seated Shark. The caninoid held two blender decanters, one labeled "Pina Colada", the other "Guinness and Banana". Shark held a styrofoam cup, looking dubiously at the contents.
"Aw, c'mon! It'll put hair on your chest!" Fianna barked.
"I'm a fish. I don't WANT hair on my chest! Just gimmie a pina colada and go away!"
RD went to the bar and began inspecting the bottles, looking for something palatable. As he did, Thundera Tiger came up beside him and said, "You realize this is still just another of Fianna's asides, right? Tomorrow, we'll be right back at each other's throats again."
RD smiled at her and patted her head. "It's all in fun, Tee Tee. I'm looking forward to it."
"Ya know," Tiger said quietly. "I seem to have found myself without a love interest for the evening." She indicated the rack, where Tatiana was shoving bamboo slivers under Tygra's claws. "So how about it, big boy? Ever do a quadraped before?"
As RD's eyes widened in alarm, Lady Thundera walked between and draped herself around his shoulders. "Back off, kittycat," she said amiably. "RD Rivero is MY chew toy."
"Oh come on," Tiger said slyly. "I know I pick on him alot, but I bet there's enough of him to go around."
Across the room, Fianna was chugging his Guinness and banana milkshake when Shark nudged him in the ribs. Fianna looked down at him, a tan foam mustache on the end of his muzzle. Indicating the bar, Shark said "You better do something about that before this turns into a Mooncat fic."
"Hmmm," Fianna murmured. Licking his chops, he stepped to the middle of the room. "May I have your attention please?" Fianna called to the room. "I'd like to propose a toast." He waited while everyone gathered their glasses and held them aloft.
"TO THE MAN OF THE HOUR!" Fianna yelled.
"HURRAH!" the crowd called back.
"THE MAN WITH THE POWER!"
"HUZZAH!!"
"THE MAN WHO LEFT THE LAWYERS SHATTING IN THEIR LEGAL BRIEFS!! OUR LEADER, OUR HERO, RD RIVEROOOOO!!!!"
The group exploded in loud applause and raucus cheers as RD came out from behind the bar and bowed.
"SPEECH! SPEECH!"
"Alright, alright, I'll say a few words," RD said. He cleared his throat, then said, "As you all know, tomorrow we'll all be returning to our roles in Team Tiger and the Anti-Tiger Base. But let us never forget this glorious day when we combined forces to repel a menace that threatened to destroy us all. That said, my fellow Thunderpeople, let the party roll on!"
And so they did.
The end.
Back
to Fanfic
Archive