I was laying in bed, half asleep, when it happened. I heard Larano call me. <Tiyana! Please, wake up! > ‘Wake up?’ I thought vaguely. <Please-help me! Thuron - chains! Can’t breathe!> Then it was gone. I sat up with a gasp, wide awake. ‘A nightmare?’ No, I was definitely awake. But perhaps Lar was having a nightmare and had sent to me in his sleep... I decided not to run that risk. If he wasn’t dreaming, he was in terrible danger. I slid quickly out of my bed, left my room, and hurried down the corridor to Lar’s room. When I reached his door, I knew he was in danger. The door was locked from the inside. There was no way he could’ve locked it, so there had to be trouble. I reached out kinetically and undid the lock, then opened the door and entered the room.

The first thing I saw was Lar’s empty bed. I stared a moment, frightened, wondering where he could have been taken. But weak as he was, and new as he was to sending, he couldn’t have reached very far. Then I remembered what I’d done in the Temple and reached out for his mind.

He was lying in the narrow space between the wall and the bed. He was on his back; his wrists had been wrapped in the glowing chain, and a loop of chain had been passed around the leg of the bed. His eyes were closed, and a cloth had been bound across his mouth. I saw his chest move slightly, and even as I fell to my knees beside him, I realized that he was fighting for each breath. I pulled the gag away; his lips parted and he dragged in a long, slow breath. Too slow. I reached out and found the one alert mind among the sleeping ones: Rhul. <Quick! Lar’s room!> I sent sharply.

Rhul must have been very close; he ran into the room only seconds later. I had been tugging at the glowing chains, but my efforts had been futile. Rhul growled at the dreadful sight and astounded me by breaking the chains with his bare hands. I knew he was strong, but I had not guessed he was that strong. Rhul slid his arms under Lar’s shoulders and legs and carefully lifted him back into the bed. I unwound the chain from the leg of the bed, and paused at the subtle prickle in my fingers. "Radiation. It is a chemical reaction that causes the weakness,’ I thought. Then I opened the window and flung the chain out.

I turned back to Lar. Rhul had gone around to the other side of the bed, and he had his hand against Lar’s wrist. I saw an expression of fear cross his face; then he looked over at me. I touched Lar’s temple - and shuddered. I’d felt such heartbeats before; in the dying. His pulse was slow, weak, and erratic.

"Nothing you can do?" Rhul asked in a despairing whisper. I didn’t answer. What could I say? Sending was no good; the healing hadn’t worked; and the kinesis...the weakness wasn’t like venom, I couldn’t pull it out...Venom. No...the weakness wasn’t the venom, the radiation was. The radiation was causing the weakness...could I possibly pull the radiation out? Would that make the chemical reaction stop, and restore Lar’s strength? I had no idea, but I could feel that subtle prickle in my fingers when I touched the young leader. Which meant I had to try.

I placed my hands on Lar’s chest and closed my eyes. My hands burned and stung where they were in contact with his skin. I focussed my mind and ‘felt’ the radiation, the way I’d felt the wire I’d moved yesterday morning. I could hear the voice of Cherelle guiding me; ‘Keep calm, relaxed. Project your hands and grasp, but only mentally; keep your physical hands loose. Then lift.’

I concentrated on the prickling feeling, on trying to move it, on feeling it rise up and out. And then something seemed to fall into place in my mind. It was like a light coming on; I knew exactly what to do and how to do it. I ‘ran’ my kinetic hands through Lar’s body, gathering the radiation in one hand and pulling it out with the other. I could feel Lar’s heartbeat beneath my physical hands, felt it grow steady and strong. I heard his breathing return to normal. I pulled the radiation further up, away from both the Cats. There was so much... I heard Larano gasp, and I knew he’d opened his eyes and seen the yellow glow. I wished I could send to him, reassure him, but I already knew I couldn’t do sending and kinesis simultaneously.

It was another minute or so before I pulled out the last flickers of radiation. I didn’t have to open my eyes to see the glowing yellow ball hovering near the ceiling. Briefly, I wondered what to do with it. Then, with a mental shrug, I opened the window behind me and shoved the mass outside. A hard push sent the stuff into the darkness. Then I opened my eyes.

Larano was propped up on his left elbow. His eyes were wide and full of fear, and his face was very pale. His hand was clutching a portion of the blanket that covered him, and he was visibly trembling. Rhul was standing beside the bed, his eyes also wide, and his expression unnerved. His hand, perhaps unconsciously, was resting on Lar’s shoulder. There was a long silence; then Rhul sat down rather abruptly on the edge of Lar’s bed. He gazed intently at the Leader for a moment, then looked back at me.

"How did you do that?" he asked, sounding shaken. I saw Lar cringe slightly. I understood; I didn’t really want to talk myself, so I just shook my head. Rhul persisted. "You said you couldn’t-"

"It wasn’t healing," I interrupted. "It was kinesis." My voice wasn’t as shaky as I’d feared.

Rhul said no more. He stood, walked around the bed, and closed the window that I’d left open. He paused briefly to squeeze my arm, then turned and made some obscure gesture with his hand to Larano. Lar returned it, then slowly sat the rest of the way up, letting his feet drop to the floor. I watched Rhul leave the room and close the door behind him, then turned my attention back to Lar.

He was gazing at me, still pale. It was only now that he’d pushed the blanket aside that I noticed he was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. I hadn’t had time to notice, in the Temple, and he’d been covered with the blanket, later...but of course he hadn’t had time to dress... My knees were wobbling, so I took a hint from Rhul’s action and sat down on the side of the bed beside Lar.

"Are you all right?"

I stared at Lar. He was asking me? "I’m... fine," I replied. I knew I sounded shaken, and stunned. "I’m nothing worse than scared. For you."

"I thought you’d think you were dreaming," he murmured. I shook my head, but didn’t reply. "I didn’t even see him come in! He slapped me awake and..." Lar didn’t finish, just took a breath, propped his elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands.

I sat there, feeling helpless. By the sound of his breathing...I braced myself mentally, hoping he wouldn’t reject me; but I was a Healer, and I had to offer help. I slid over and put my arms around the young leader. He turned to me and his arms encircled me, cautiously, in return. It was as I suspected; I felt dampness against my shoulder; felt his body shivering.

<As soon as he left, I started trying to send to you, but I couldn’t reach you. I knew I didn’t have much time... And then I did reach you, but it broke and I thought... I thought I was going to die in my own room...>

Tears stung my own eyes. I held him closer, and heard his sigh.

We sat like that for a while. Eventually I calmed a little, and became aware of something. I gently ran my hand across Lar’s back, and felt the velvety softness. ‘Fur?’ I thought, wondering why I hadn’t noticed before. But then, how could I? It was the first time I’d seen a Cat without a tunic. And there wasn’t any on his hands; I’d have noticed that today.

Larano lifted his head and gently pulled away from me. I released him and watched as he slowly stood. He was a little shaky, and quickly sat down again. "I wish I knew how to thank you," he murmured.

"You don’t have to thank me; that’s not why I did it, " I answered softly. "I wasn’t sure it would work, but I had to do something. I wish I’d known I could do it earlier." My voice was suddenly shaking. If I’d only known... I could’ve spared him so much fear.

"No, Tiyana, don’t," he said, his voice surprisingly firm as he turned to me. "Don’t blame yourself. How could you know? You said yourself that you needed to find your limits. Besides, if you had used kinesis earlier, Thuron would’ve tried another way. He used the chains because he wanted to finish the way he’d begun; he said that. He knew you couldn’t help me. One way or the other..."

Lar didn’t finish; didn’t need to. One way or another, Thuron would have attempted to kill him. Maybe it would have been a less tortured death...but death was death. And Lar wouldn’t have had the chance to send his thoughts to me for help, for I wouldn’t have taught him the sending if he’d been well and strong. Still, such fear... I reached out impulsively and took his hand. To my surprise and puzzlement, Lar gently slid his hand free, then rose. He took the two steps to the window and stood looking out for a few moments, keeping his back to me.

"You should go back to your room and get some rest," he said at last, softly. "And I should sleep, too...if I can..." Then he turned to face me again. "I know you said it isn’t necessary, but thank you for saving me."

I knew a dismissal when I heard one, but I ignored it. I was confused, and becoming a little offended. He’d accepted my help before; why was he turning distant all of a sudden? I stepped towards him, and became annoyed when he held up his hand in a warding gesture.

"Please, Healer. I need to be alone now."

"So you can push this down with all the other unpleasantness in your life?" I inquired quietly. "Didn’t we agree, this day, that locking up your feelings only results in making things worse?" I wanted to go on, but something in his eyes stopped me. A warning...

"What business of yours are my feelings?"

"Lar, I’m a Healer! I know pain and fear when I see them, and I wish only to help."

Lar seemed to wilt a little. "I know...I agreed, Tiyana, but I can’t just change all at once. Please..."

I snorted, turned on my heel and left the room, now truly offended. <You’ve already suddenly changed,> I sent sharply. <I’m surprised you want to be alone; you certainly didn’t want to earlier! And you’ve changed your mind about confiding in me too, it seems. I wish you’d decide whether you want my help or not!> Then I snapped the link, but not before I heard something that made me stop in my tracks.

<More than I can say...>

‘What?!’ What was that supposed to mean? If he wanted my help, why would he chase me away? I shook my head and went into my room, by now completely confused. I decided that there was no way that I was going to get back to sleep and went instead to the window. The moon was very much larger than I was accustomed to, but seemed dimmer, too. Or maybe there just wasn’t as much light as I was expecting from such a big moon. Tyr would doubtless have a theory on that, I thought ruefully. He had a theory for everything. Then I chided myself mentally. No reason to get an attitude about Tyr just because I was mad. I pulled myself onto the broad windowsill, leaned my back against the wall, and placed my feet on the sill. I wrapped my arms around my knees and sat there for a while, letting my temper cool, and thinking things over.

Why was I mad, anyway? Lar had a point when he said that his feelings weren’t really my business. Yet he’d made them my business earlier. It wasn’t the feelings, I decided; it was the attitude. I’d expected some consistency, and I didn’t like the insinuation that I wasn’t good enough to confide in, now that he was ‘better’. And it smelled of ingratitude, too, even though he’d thanked me...and even though I’d told him thanks weren’t necessary. Not a very reasonable attitude, I admitted to myself.

The windowsill was awfully hard, I noticed suddenly. I really needed a cushion. The pillow on my bed worked very well, and I was soon comfortable again. I leaned up against the glass and sighed.

I lost track of how long I was there; long enough to grow quite stiff. The events of the day kept repeating in my mind. What brought me back to reality was a very quiet tap on the door. I instinctively knew who it was, and when I turned my mind to the door and opened it, I was right; Larano stood there. He looked startled to see the door open on its own.

"May I come in?" He sounded very subdued.

I nodded, then, realizing that he couldn’t see me very well, said, "Certainly." Lar stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.

"I hope I’m not disturbing you," he began tentatively.

"You aren’t," I answered distantly. I felt a little ashamed of myself for what I was doing - making him feel guilty - but not enough to change my attitude...yet.

He fidgeted a little at my tone. "I ...wanted to apologize to you, Tiyana. You’ve done so much for me, and it was wrong of me to treat you as I did. I’m sorry I was so rude to you."

I was silent, thinking that this formal apology felt like a step back after his usual easygoing manner.

"I understand if you’re angry or want me to leave..."

"I’m not angry anymore, Lar, but I am confused, and hurting a little. I really just want to know why you rejected me."

Lar sighed. "I’ve been trying to figure that out since it happened," he said uncertainly. "I think...Tiyana, you were right. We both know that. But I have this sort of feeling that I’d better not get too accustomed to you being here to help me, or too...dependant on your caring. I’m pretty mad at myself for being so callous, but - Oh, I just don’t know! I see you leaving, and me here, without anyone to call a real friend anymore. I - I want some distance, so it won’t hurt me so much when -"

"No. If I leave, not when," I interrupted. That silenced him. "And the ‘if’ must be driving you to distraction, too," I murmured. I saw Lar nod as he came to stand beside me. No longer worrying that I’d turn on him, I thought. A second thought occurred to me then; I seized the opportunity and rested my head against his shoulder. I wasn’t sure why I did it- maybe just to prove that I wasn’t mad- but it seemed like a good idea.

For a long moment, Larano didn’t move. Then, slowly, as if dazed, he stepped closer to me and lifted his arms to hold me. Since we were touching, I caught a little of his amazement. I knew, even without actually hearing it, that he’d cherish this forever... if I left. I raised my eyes to the huge moon, thinking what so many people would call this...

"Lar."

"Hmmm?"

"I want to stay." I felt his muscles go taut. "I want to stay here, with you...and your Cats. But-"

"But-!" Lar sounded shocked, which was no surprise.

"But- I’m not entirely sure that I’ll be trusted. At least, I wasn’t sure till this eve."

"Who doesn’t trust you?" Lar demanded, now sounding both surprised and a bit indignant.

"Well, I don’t think Tyr does. He...there are things he doesn’t tell me, that everyone else does. It’s not that I mind, it’s just very obvious to me. But I’ve figured out how to convince him."

"Oh?"

"If he didn’t trust me," I said slowly, "he shouldn’t have agreed to let me stay and guard while they were gone today." I didn’t see the need to point out what would’ve happened if I’d been Thuron in disguise, or some mercenary. Lar was silent, but he nodded slowly.

"I’ll bring it up with him tomorrow," I continued, then considered. "Maybe I’ll bring it up with the others, too."

"But if only Tyr doesn’t trust you..."

"Trusting me isn’t the same as wanting me to stay, Lar. Everyone’s been very kind and courteous to me, but it’s a long jump from being a guest to being a resident."

Lar nodded again, but he sighed unhappily, too. I lifted my head and looked at him. "I’m not worried about it," I told him gently. "I just want to be certain. It’s a big decision, and I’d rather know I’ve got everyone’s support. I know already what you’ll say-" I smiled as he seemed to turn a little red; it was hard to tell in the moonlight. "And I know what Kelri will say. I’m sure I can persuade Tyr, and Rhul if I have to. And the kittens and Sarth - well, I don’t think they’ll object. So don’t worry." I laid my head back down an Lar’s shoulder and we were both silent for a long time.

‘Romantic...that’s what they’d call it...’ I thought as I gazed at the huge moon.

"Think you could sleep now?" Lar’s voice asked softly. I opened my eyes with a start and saw that the moon had moved. I had very nearly fallen asleep in the circle of the Cat’s arms. I sat up, stiffly, and Lar helped me slide down from the windowsill and walk to the bed. I sat down on the edge.

"I’ll say I could," I answered at last. "And you look like you could, too," I added, seeing Lar’s tired face. He nodded, and sank down beside me. He was shaking with weariness.

"Oh, Lar, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize-" I began remorsefully.

"’S okay. Just a little stiff. It’ll wear off."

I wasn’t convinced. His bowed shoulders spoke of exhaustion, not stiffness. I put my hand on his arm and let healing run through him. I was at least partly responsible for his weariness, so it was only right to do something about it. Lar straightened up and gave me a look of surprise.

"Don’t ever try to fool a healer," I advised him. He smiled, then stood.

"I’ll remember that," he said softly. As he turned to go, his hand brushed very lightly against my cheek. "Thank you, Tiyana."

I couldn’t say something as trite as ‘you’re welcome’. Instead I sent, <Lar->

He turned. <You’ll be the first to know my decision, tomorrow.> He gave me a strange look, and then he smiled. I wondered what he’d expected me to say.

<Thank you,> he repeated, and hurriedly left the room, closing the door behind him.

I lay down on the bed, then realized I’d forgotten my pillow. I sat up again, lifted the pillow from the windowsill, and shoved it under my head. Then I lay down. I felt very tired, and suddenly lonely. I wasn’t sure exactly why. Homesick? Shrugging, I distracted myself by making a list of who I would talk to, and when, and eventually fell asleep...into a nightmare.

I was in the Den, in one of the hallways. The Cats were standing a few feet away in a loose circle, looking worried. Then I realized they were looking for Larano, who was nowhere in sight. The Cats began to walk through the Den, clearly searching for Lar, and clearly being pretty inept about it. I tried to organize them, hurry them, but they could neither see nor hear me.

At last, by luck, they found him. He seemed uninjured, but he’d collapsed in one of the hallways, apparently seeking help. He was trying to stand, but couldn’t. The others hurried to him, helped him sit up and lean against the wall. I couldn’t help, I could only stand and watch, fear still gnawing at me. My fear was justified. The Cats kept urging him to get up, telling him there was something wrong, that they needed him. He tried again to stand and failed. Their voices grew louder, angrier. I watched, unable to help. At last I couldn’t stand it any longer. With all my strength, I cried out: "Stop! Can’t you see he’s weak? He needs your help! Stop tormenting him and help him!"

They didn’t hear me...but Lar did. He looked over at me, terror and pleading in his eyes. I ran to his side and dropped to my knees beside him. I held him. My hand was against his chest, and I felt his heartbeat. "Lar-" I started, under the noise of the angry, unseeing Cats.

"Please...don’t leave me," he whispered. Then his eyes closed, his head dropped to my shoulder, and his heartbeat ceased.

"NOOOO!"

I sat up in bed with a cry of agony. I caught my breath in a gasp and felt the tears pour down my face. "No, no, no..." I grabbed the bedcover and cried into it for a long time.

After what must have been close to twenty minutes, I finally stopped sobbing long enough to reach out and brush my mind against Lar’s. Just to be sure. He was asleep, and I pulled back before I could inadvertently see his dreams. ‘Calm down,’ I told myself. ‘It was just a nightmare. He’s alive, and safe. You saw to that, you and Rhul. But, oh, skies...If I lost him-!’

If I lost him? What had made me think that? I wiped my eyes, then shoved the pillow against the headboard, leaned against it, and thought about my sudden possesiveness. It distracted me from the horrible thought of Lar dying. Why was I acting as if I had a claim on him? That, I realized, was how I’d been acting earlier, when I’d been so annoyed that he wanted me to leave him alone. It took me very little time to reach my conclusion. I cared for Larano...more than I should. In fact...

"In love?" The words felt very strange. It had been a long time since I’d used them. Then I shook my head. It couldn’t be. ‘How could I be in love with...anyone? It’s only been five...almost six...days! Impossible. I hardly even know him. Well, I do care about him, to be sure, but only as a friend! You just don’t fall in love that fast. Love at first sight is only a myth.’

I never have been any good at lying to myself, and this was no exception.

‘Well...now what? Even if I do...I guess the only thing to do is-’

How could I leave now?

‘Oh, blast it! Well, I’ll just have to get to know him better. It’s got to be just some silly infatuation, and once I get a realistic view of him, the allure will dissipate. Hmm, alien pheromones, maybe?’

The Cat I’d gotten to know during the day had given me a very detailed and realistic picture of himself. He’d been painfully honest, and had gratefully accepted my comfort. And then, when he’d offended me with his rejection, he’d come and apologized.

And if it were pheromones, I’d have this feeling for all the Cats. I was grasping at straws, and I knew it.

‘Shut up,’ I told myself.

And what had he said about being afraid to become too close to me, because it would hurt him so much when I left?

‘Stop thinking about it.’ I lay down again, and fussed with my pillow until I was comfortable.

And he’d touched my cheek...And I’d felt lonely when he left...And I wanted him to be the first to know if I was staying...

‘Staying. Who am I going to talk to first?’

So it’s decided. I’ll stay here on Rendila. With Larano...and the Cats...

‘SHUT UP!’

This went on for a while. At last I wore myself out enough to fall asleep again.