THUNDERCATS VS. KARAOKE NIGHT

Bill Taylor

 

Author Note: I don’t own Thundercats or any of the other characters who appear here, nor do I own any of the songs. They’re all copy righted by their various people, blah blah blah, you know the drill.

 

 

 

            “Construction worker, construction worker, I tell ya I should have been the military man,” grumbled Panthro as he adjusted his helmet.

            “I keep telling you Panthro, the green military fatigues look better against my orange fur than they do against your bluish gray,” said Tygra wearily as he checked his soldier uniform’s reflection in the mirror. “And besides, you’re more convincing as the construction worker, which doubles as sheet worker and steel mill worker, because you’re of Mr. Fix It status.”

            “I still should have been the military man,” Panthro repeated.

            “Hey, I know how you feel,” said Bengali. “I should have been the biker, but I got stuck being the cop.”

            “Because you look better in the cop uniform than I do,” said Lion-O, checking his biker hat. “And I looked like crap in the Indian costume.”

            “We all looked like crap in the Indian costume,” said Panthro.

            “Will you just ease up, Panthro? You get to be lead singer, after all,” chided Tygra.

            “Because my voice got soul,” remarked Panthro with a grin, “and your voice got a hole.”

            “My voice got a hole?” Tygra raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

            “I think he’s calling you a bad singer dude,” answered Bengali.

            “Then he should just come out and say it instead of masking his aggression behind non-sensical witticisms. I’d respect him more if he did.”

            Panthro rolled his head towards Lion-O. “You see what I’ve got to work with here? My wit is wasted on this guy.”

            “I feel your pain. Now…” Lion-O stood from his chair in the dressing room, “about face!”

            With that roar, the other three Thundercats snapped to attention before the mirror. “Are we lean?”

            “Yeah!”

            “Are we mean?”

            “Yeah!”

            “Are we gonna own this charity karaoke thing or aren’t we?”

            “Yeah!”

            “No wait, scratch that last one, makes it sound like we don’t care about owning this thing.”

            “Right,” agreed the other three.

            “We all know what song we’re doing?”

            “Macho Man.”

            “Good, now let’s get out there and show ‘em what we’re-”

            At that moment, Snarf came bursting through the door, sporting his trademark frantic look. “Lion-O! We got big problems!”

            “Don’t we always have big problems?” quipped Bengali.

            “This is serious! You’ve gotta come out into the hall quick!” Against their better judgment, the Thundercats followed Snarf into the hall, and suddenly wished they hadn’t: standing there in all their glory was He-Man and his Masters of the Universe – Man-At-Arms, Stratos, and Fisto – dressed in a manner similar to Lion-O and his Thundercats, with He-Man as a biker (or “leather-man”), Man-At-Arms as a construction worker, Fisto as a military man, and Stratos as a cop.

            As Lion-O and his Thundercats stared slack-jaw at the Masters, He-Man, oblivious to their shock, waved at them and good naturedly said “What up, dogs?”

            “Y-you’re doing a Village People routine?” stuttered Lion-O.

            “Yeah. So?”

            “But me and my posse here are doing a Village People routine!” roared Lion-O.

            “My posse and I, Lion-O,” corrected Tygra. “My posse and I.”

            “Quiet you!” snapped Lion-O.

            “You are?” asked He-Man. “What a coincidence. What song are ya doing?”

            “Macho Man,” said Lion-O irritably.

            “Whoa, double coincidence. Me and my Masters are doin’ Macho Man too.”

            “But that’s the song we’re supposed to do!” Lion-O roared again.

            “Hey chill dog, it’s not our fault you picked the same song as us. Just slip the audience YMCA, they’ll never know the difference.” He-Man adjusted his biker hat. “You know trying to fit my sword into this ensemble is a real pain? At least you got that claw shield thing to hang off your belt.”

            “So you got stuck being the construction worker too, eh?” Panthro sized up Man-At-Arms.

            “I was supposed to be the military man,” grumbled Man-At-Arms, throwing an evil eye at he of the giant metal hand, “but lost the coin toss to Fisto.”

            “I can relate,” sighed Panthro.

            “It’s not my fault you picked the head instead of the tails,” remarked Fisto.

            “I wanted to be a pilot, but the ensemble didn’t have one,” said Stratos.

            “Yeah, I can see how that could be a problem,” agreed Bengali.

            “We’ll catch you dogs later,” said He-Man as he gathered his Masters to take them down the hall. Over his shoulder, he called out to Lion-O: “Hey dude, I just found out Skeletor’s going on first, doing some rap act. Try not to let him upstage you. And Meck-A-Neck said he thought he saw those mutant guys you mentioned lurking out in the alley earlier. Peace.”

            “Lion-O, you’ve been dissed!” screeched Snarf. “Are you just gonna let that overgrown intergalactic Swedish punk diss you like that?! You’re Lord of the Thundercats! You and the posse should go kick his sorry Swedish ass!”

            “I want to Snarf, but I can’t. It would go against the Code of Thundera. And it’s not in the budget.”

            “Plus He-Man’s the most powerful man in the universe,” explained Tygra, “capable of toppling temples, towers, mountains, buildings, and even giant robots.” Everyone threw Tygra a dirty look. “What? I’m just saying.”

            “What do we now fearless leader?” asked Bengali.

            “The only thing we can do – we’ll have to use YMCA as suggested so that we don’t look like too big a knock off, especially since we’ve no time for an overly expensive fight sequence.”

            “And why are we doing this again?” asked Bengali casually.

            “Because Lion-O owes He-Man money and this was the only way out of the debt,” answered Panthro.

            “Hey, we all owed He-Man money, since that was our pilot we used it on,” snapped Lion-O. “Now which dressing room are the girls in?”

            “That one.” The guys all pointed at different doors. Lion-O had no choice but to knock on all of them until he got the one he wanted.

            “Yeah?” came Cheetara’s voice.

            “You decent?” asked Lion-O.

            “Do you care?” was the sarcastic response.

            “I kind of care. Do you want me to not care?”

            After a pause, the door came open, and two very embarrassed female Thundercats came out, dressed as French maids. The Thundercat men could hardly contain their howling and cat calling.

            “Shut up!” snapped the cheetah and puma, both irritated with being stuck with the only spare costumes available.

            After the howling and cat calling quieted down, Lion-O explained: “Listen, change of plans. We’re doing YMCA instead of Macho Man because somebody else took Macho Man. Can you go on before us to buy us some extra rehearsal time?”

            Cheetara shrugged. “Will you watch Somewhere in Time with me if we do?”

            “I’ll chain myself to the couch if you want the added assurance,” answered Lion-O.

            “What do I get then?” asked Pumyra. Bengali jangled the handcuffs at his belt. “Never mind.”

            “Alright, Plan B is set. Everybody?” The Thundercats put their fists into a center and bellowed “Fight, fight, fight!” (This being their new battle cry as their more traditional one had been sidelined in an unexpected legal battle).

 

 

            The crowd was gathered and waiting for the performers to start. Off to the side, He-Man and his Masters of the Universe were occupying a separate set of tables that were meant for the performers themselves. He noted that the two female Thundercats, he thought their names were Cheetara and Pumyra or something like that, were off at the 2nd table down with the two kids, Wilykit and Wilykat, and the old guy, Lynx-O. He didn’t see Lion-O and the guys anywhere; probably rehearsing whatever their new routine would be. He could see Thundarr the Barbarian at the third table down with his girlfriend Princess Ariel and their Wookie type companion Ookla, and fourth row down he saw some of the guys from GI Joe, and at the very far end he thought he saw those Mutant guys Lion-O had told him about, they came from that planet, Plunder or something like that; for an undisciplined rabble of incompetents, they looked As good guys, it’s what we do.”

            From the 2nd table, unbeknownst to He-Man, the youngest female Thundercat – Thunderkitten rather – was eyeing him hungrily, while her brother’s attention was drawn to the tall, dark, sensuous beauty of Ariel, she who sat with Thundarr. Both kittens promptly had water dumped on them by the elder Thundercats for their trouble. “Act your age,” said Lynx-O.

            The lights dimmed, and the small, diminutive figure of Orko appeared on the stage, microphone in hand. “Ladies and gentlemen! On behalf of all the other less important folk inhabiting Eternia, I thank you all for attending this, our first and possibly only charity karaoke night!” The crowd cheered, while He-Man banged his head on his table, ruing his decision to let Orko be the announcer. “First up tonight, it gives me great pleasure- I mean displeasure- oh who am I kidding? Skeletor sings first, just keep your heads down and you won’t get hurt.”

            As Orko floated away from the stage, the curtains pulled back and there, amidst smoke and eerie lighting, stood the foreboding, blue skinned figure of Skeletor, complete with havoc staff and purple sword, flanked by his minions on various instruments of inhuman design, most recognizably Evil-Lynne, Beastman, Mer-Man and Trap-Jaw.

            And when Skeletor opened his mouth to sing, accompanied by rap music and the damndest dance choreography ever beheld by human or inhuman eyes, the result was this: “Hello. What up? Hello? Yo, I can't, I can't hear you. Let me call you back. I sense someone's tapping into my phones, why do I got this feeling in my bones I might die soon? The FBI might be trying to pull my file soon. I might be walking blindfold into a typhoon. I might be seeing rockets light up the night sky right outside the window of my living room. And if they do you can say good night and by-bye to them iTunes. If I don't try to record as much as I can before I do the plan is to have as many in the can as I can.”

            He-Man clapped his hands over his ears and prayed for deliverance. 

Skeletor went on, feeding off the grimaces of pain and suffering he saw in the crowd. “As I stand before you in this booth of walking dead man blank stair, dead pan, look on my face as I gaze into space. As I wait to be scooped up in that van as I mysteriously disappear into thin air. And they gonna say a sniper just appeared out of nowhere and I'll go down in the history as the bloodsucking leech who hid behind the freedom of speech, tried to take the 5th Amendment, use it, twist it and bend it and ended up dying to fill out the hero's [BLEEP]. The business way to end this, I can feel the tremors tremendous. In remembrance of September 11th, flash back to September 7th, when 2pac was murdered in Vegas, he said it, he predicted his own death, let us never forget it. Should we ever live to regret it, like that day John F. Kennedy was assassinated in broad day by the greatest lunatic with a gun who just happened to work on the same block in the library book depository where the President would go for a little Friday stroll. Shots fired from the grassy knoll but they don't know, or do they? Who's they, for 'em to say, touche'? We're all vulnerable and its spook-ay. This is about as kook-ay, as I've ever felt now. Count down to nuclear meltdown 7,6,54,321. You can run, you can do what you want to but you know you ain't gonna do nothing, when its time, it's your time.
You are the prime target. You have become Public Enemy # 1.”

            It went on like that for a few minutes, until Skeletor ended his singing tirade simply because he felt bored. He snapped his fingers and his minions ceased their infernal music playing, and the crowd breathed a sigh of relief as Skeletor and his minions stepped down from the stage, though a small undisciplined rabble applauded along with a strangely familiar mummy man. Passing the tables, Skeletor pointed a finger at He-Man and sneered “Owned!”

            “I’ll see you boned,” remarked He-Man.

            Orko floated back up to the stage and took his microphone. “Well wasn’t that just… um… uh… wasn’t that just? Well, regardless of what you thought of that, our next act is a soulful singing quartet who inhabit the planet… some place far away!” [to himself] “Yeah that’ll do…” [to the audience] “Won’t you welcome, from someplace far away, the Mutating Mutants!”

            To the shock and appalled eyes of the Thundercats at the tables, the Mutants of Plundarr – Slythe, Monkian, Vultureman and Jackalman – all marched triumphantly up to the stage, sporting spiffy tuxedoes that actually fit them all very well.

            As the Mutants passed by, the other missing in action Thundercats – Lion-O, Panthro, Tygra, and Bengali – joined their table and they too were surprised to see the tuxedo clad mutants. “Mutants! What are they doing here!”

            “Singing for our supper, yes!” Slythe shouted over his shoulder at the flabbergasted Thundercats.

            He-Man leaned over to Lion-O’s table and whispered solemnly “They were promised food by the committee, there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it.”

            “Oh what good are you then?”

            “Good enough to release your debt if you do this one little thing.”

            Orko hushed the arguing sword swinging heroes as the Mutants took to the stage, Jackalman on the left in front of the microphone while Slythe, Monkian and Vultureman flanked him from the right. An old soul Motown type tune came from the background as an unexpected yet surprisingly bearable falsetto voice emerged from Jackalman’s mouth.

            “Maybe you want to give me kisses sweet,” sang Jackalman, “but only for one night with no repeat. Maybe you'd go away and never call, and a taste of honey is worse than none at all (oh little girl).” 

The other Mutants joined him for the chorus, their voice surprisingly soulful: “Oh little girl, in that case I don't want no part. That would only break my heart. Oh, but if you feel like loving me, if you got the notion, I second that emotion. I said, if you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion, I second that emotion.” 

Jackalman then resumed the solo: “Maybe you think that love would tie you down. You ain't got the time to hang around. Maybe you think that love was made for fools so it makes you wise to break the rules.”
            And then the chorus came again: “Oh little girl, in that case I don't want no part. That would only break my heart. Oh, but if you feel like loving me, if you got the notion, I second that emotion. I said, if you feel like giving me a lifetime of devotion, I second that emotion.” 

And so it repeated until it faded, and the Mutants bowed to unexpected applause when they had finished. The Thundercats were torn apart with newfound respect and jealous fury. As the Mutants passed them by, Jackalman hissed “Posers!” The Thundercats responded with a group growl that sent him scurrying on his way.

“We’re gonna pawn that sucka,” seethed Panthro, slamming his fist into his hand.

“Pawn him with righteous vengeance,” agreed Lion-O as he cracked his knuckles.

“Yeah, rightful vengeance!” Wilykat hopped up and down in his chair, feeling a rush of male bonding with the older Thundercats.

“Well, wasn’t that surprisingly… pleasant!” Orko’s voice rippled from the stage. “Next, we have a 30-foot tall, red, white and blue robot who enjoys nature walks, peaceful negotiations and beating up evil Decepticons! Give it up for the Autobot of Soul, Optimus Prime!”

A giant blue foot stepped into view on the stage, as if lowered down from the ceiling, and there for all to see came the towering robot that was Optimus Prime, whom Wilykat always thought looked vaguely like Batman because of his antennae.

Armed with his own microphone, the deep, resonant voice of Optimus Prime spoke: “I've heard people say that too much of anything is not good for you, baby.
Oh no. But I don't know about that. There's many times that we've loved, we've shared love and made love. It doesn't seem to me like it's enough. There's just not enough of it. There's just not enough. Oh oh, babe.” And then he sung, sung one of the most sacred love ballads in the universe:

“My darling, I can't get enough of your love babe. Girl, I don't know, I don't know why. Can't get enough of your love babe. Oh, some things I can't get used to no matter how I try. Just like the more you give, the more I want. And baby, that's no lie. Oh no, babe. Tell me, what can I say? What am I gonna do? How should I feel when everything is you? What kind of love is this that you're givin' me? Is it in your kiss or just because you're sweet?”
            Prime had the audience in the palm of his metal hand.

“Girl, all I know is every time you're here. I feel the change. Somethin' moves. I scream your name. Do whatcha got to do. Darling, I can't get enough of your love babe. Girl, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I can't get enough of your love babe. Oh no, babe. Girl, if I could only make you see. And make you understand. Girl, your love for me is all I need and more than I can stand. Oh well, babe. How can I explain all the things I feel? You've given me so much. Girl, you're so unreal. Still I keep loving you More and more each time. Girl, what am I gonna do? Because you blow my mind. I get the same old feelin' every time you're here. I feel the change. Somethin' moves. I scream your name. Do whatcha got to do. Darling, I can't get enough of your love babe. Oh no, babe…”

Prime bowed to thundering applauds that left his follow ups feeling fearful of their ability to measure up to his high standards. As Prime exited through the rooftop (from whence he came), the audience was left with a stammering Orko who didn’t know how to present the next presenter.

Finally, Orko managed to say “We have the double act of Thundarr the Barbarian and Princess Ariel!” 

               The Barbarian called Thundarr showed a very different musical taste than his predecessors. Armed with vibrant choreography, Thundarr bellowing singing voice gave the audience an un-definable change of pace: “Jungle life, I'm far away from nowhere. On my own, like Tarzan Boy. Hide and seek, I play along while rushing cross the forest. Monkey business on a sunny afternoon. Jungle life, I'm living in the open. Native beat that carries on, burning bright a fire the blows the signal to the sky. I sit and wonder does the message get to you? Night to night. Gimme the other, gimme the other chance tonight.

Gimme the other, gimme the other. Night to night. Gimme the other, gimme the other world!”

               It was infectious, to say the least. “Jungle life, you're far away from nothing.

It's all right, you won't miss home. Take a chance, leave everything behind you.

Come and join me, won't be sorry it's easy to survive. Jungle life, we're living in the open, all alone like Tarzan Boy. Hide and seek, we play along while rushing cross the forest. Monkey business on a sunny afternoon. Night to night, gimme the other, gimme the other chance tonight. Oh Yeah…”

Thundarr had the audience jumping and dancing in their seats and tables by the time he ended. When he finished, Ariel took his place while he took to the instruments in her place, and she in turn introduced a very… different sound: “Sweet dreams are made of this, who am I to disagree? I travel the world and the seven seas. Everybody's looking for something. Some of them want to use you, some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused.”

               This song had an almost frightening vibe to it, especially since the background singers were kept in the shadows: “I wanna use you and abuse you. I wanna know what's inside you (Whispering) Hold your head up, movin' on. Keep your head up, movin' on

Hold your head up, movin' on. Keep your head up, movin' on. Hold your head up, movin' on. Keep your head up, movin' on. Movin' on!”

               Ariel had an electrifying stage presence, that much was certain. And the senior female Thundercats didn’t like the look in Wilykat’s eyes as Ariel worked her choreographed dance moves. Of course, their male counterparts hadn’t liked the way the lady Thundercats fixated on Thundarr either.

               “Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree? ITravel the world and the seven seas. Everybody's looking for something. Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused…”

               Ariel’s song finished to the rousing applause of many men, while most females in the audience fixed their gazes upon the power Thundarr as he made his way down from the stage, arm in arm with Ariel.

               “Thundarr ain’t got nothin’ on me,” said He-Man. “My sword’s vastly superior to his sword.”

               “Word,” whispered Lion-O.

               “Behave yourselves, boys,” said Cheetara.

               “Look who’s talking about behaving.”

               When the applause had subsided, Orko announced “And now, for the greatest rock ‘n rollers in the land, the Average Joe Band!”

               The Average Joe Band, as it turns out, was the GI Joe band, with Duke, Flint and General Hawk on guitar, Snake-Eyes on drums, Roadblock on keyboards, and Scarlett, Lady Jaye, and Cover-Girl as vocalists without an actual lead singer.

               The various Joe men began: “He’ll fight for freedom wherever there’s trouble, GI Joe is there. GI Joe-”

               “A Real American Hero! GI Joe is there!” was the sound of the three ladies.
               “It’s GI Joe against Cobra the enemy, fighting to save the day! He never gives up, he’s always there, fighting for freedom over land and air!”

               “A Real American Hero! GI Joe is there!”

               There was about two minutes of instrumental before the Joe men resumed singing: “He’ll never give up, he’ll stay till the fight’s won, GI Joe will dare!”

               For the last part, the Joe men and Joe women combined their voices: “A Real American Hero, GI Joe is there! GI JOE!!!!!!!!!”

               It wasn’t the longest song, but the crowd seemed to like it.

               “Wasn’t that just the most lovably shameless piece of self advertising folks?” quipped Orko as he took the stage.

               “Hey up yours, ya whatchamacallit!” came one of the angry Joe band members.

               “No need to thank me gentlemen!” replied Orko. “And now, it gives me some genuine satisfaction to introduce to you one of my personal favorites, He-Man and the Village Masters!”

               Cheers erupted as He-Man and his cronies heroically strode up to the stage and… presented themselves: “Body...wanna feel my body? Body...such a thrill my body. Body...wanna touch my body?  Body...it's too much my body. Check it out my body, body. Don't you doubt my body, body. Talkin' bout my body, body, check it out my body!”

               He-Man took the lead: “Every man wants to be a macho macho man
to have the kind of body, always in demand! Jogging in the mornings, go man go
works out in the health spa, muscles glow! You can best believe that, he's a macho man
ready to get down with, anyone he can!” 

               Then came the chorus: “Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Macho, macho man (macho man)! I've got to be, a macho man! Macho, macho man, I've got to be a macho! OW!
Macho, macho man! I've got to be, a macho man! Macho, macho man (yeah, yeah) I've got to be a macho!”

               By the time the chorus kicked back in, Wilykat had hidden under the table, covering his ears, begging for the song to end, frightened by the choreography: “Body, its so hot, my body, body, love to pop my body. Body, love to please my body. Body, don't you tease my body. Body, you'll adore my body. Body, come explore my body. Body, made by God, my body, body, it's so good, my body.”
               “Make it stop! Make it stop!” begged Wilykat.

               He-Man resumed lead: “Every man ought to be a macho, macho man!
To live a life of freedom, machos make a stand! Have their own life style and ideals, possess the strength and confidence, life's a steal! You can best believe that he's a macho man! He's a special person in anybody's land.”

               Then the chorus came again: “Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Macho, macho man (macho man)! I've got to be, a macho man! Macho, macho man! I've got to be a macho!”

               “You know, Hachiman would probably like that song,” said Tygra as the song finally ended to the same thundering applause that welcomed He-Man and his cronies to the stage.

               “Yeah, a little too much,” said Pumyra.

               “You’re gonna be up next, homey,” said an exuberant He-Man as he took his seat. “Think you’re up to it?”

               “Prepare to be upstaged!” boasted Lion-O.

               But it was not to be.

               “Ladies and gentlemen,” Orko addressed the crowd, “I’m embarrassed to say we have a late entry. Please welcome, however awkwardly you want, the Village League!”

               “Village League? What the Hell’s that?” demanded Lion-O.

               His answer came in the form of a giant green ball that floated on to the stage passed Orko. The giant green ball disappeared, revealing – in no particular order – J’onn J’onzz, AKA: Martian Manhunter, wearing the stereotypical headdress of an Indian Chief, Clark Kent, AKA: Superman, wearing a construction worker helmet with tool belt over his SUPERMAN uniform, Bruce Wayne, AKA: Batman wearing a cowboy hat over his cowl with a six-shooter belt in place of his normal utility belt, while Wally West, AKA: the Flash, wore a policeman’s hat, and John Stewart, AKA: Green Lantern, wore a soldier’s hat.

               “The Justice League?!” exclaimed the Thundercats in unison.

               “I didn’t see this coming,” admitted He-Man.

               “Are they even eligible? I mean, they aren’t the 1980s Super-Friends/Galactic Guardians vintage,” pointed out Bengali.

               “Somehow I don’t think the judges cared.”

               Creating his own microphone with his ring, the Green Lantern – whom He-Man thought looked a lot like Captain Sisko from Deep Space 9 – intoned an undeniably cheerful song backed by his superhero compatriots and a cheerful tempo: “Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town. There's no need to be unhappy. Young man, there's a place you can go. I said, young man, when you're short on your dough. You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find. Many ways to have a good time. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a! It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a!”

               To drive their point home, the Justice League singers used their arms to create the recurring lyrics Y (Martian Manhunter), M (Superman), C (Batman) and A (Flash). Wilykat once again hid under the table, frightened by the choreography.

               “They have everything for you men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys! It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a! It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a! You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do what about you feel...”
               Lion-O had a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Two Village People routines… this is not good…”

               “Not only that, but they’re singing out plan B song,” pointed out Tygra.

               “Thank you Dr. Obvious,” snapped Panthro.

               “Oh bite me ya malcontent.”

               “Knock it off you two!” growled Lion-O.

               “I think we have a problem,” said Bengali flatly. “Ideas?”

               “We could just pull out and pay He-Man the money he’s owed,” said Tygra.

               “Out of the question!” answered Lion-O.

               “We beat up these honkies for taking our songs and our act,” suggested Panthro.

               “Do we have it in the budget to take them on? I say we use what budget we have to just pay off the debt and get out of this mess,” insisted Tygra.

               “Fight!”

               “Pay!”

               “Fight!”

               “Pay!”

               “Lion-O?!”

               “Shut up, let me think!” snapped Lion-O. For a moment, he said nothing while the sound of YMCA played over them…

               “Young man, are you listening to me? I said, young man, what do you want to be? I said, young man, you can make real your dreams. But you got to know this one thing! No man does it all by himself. I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf,
And just go there, to the y.m.c.a! I'm sure they can help you today.”

               “They’re addressing me, aren’t they? I just know they’re addressing me!” babbled Wilykat as he clasped his ears shut.

               “I think you’re making too big a deal out of this,” said Wilykit blissfully.

               “Okay, Plan C,” said Lion-O. “We join the Navy!”

               “How’s joining the Navy going to help us?” asked Tygra.

               “Shut up and do what I tell ya!” snapped Lion-O. “You guys come with me! Cheetara, Pumyra, you sing in our place, hold this rabble as long as you can and we’ll sing after you!”

               “Do we get bonuses if we do?” asked Pumyra.

               “That’s negotiable.” Lion-O gathered Tygra, Panthro, and Bengali and pointed them to the exit door so they could reconvene at the dressing room.

               “Bengali!” Pumyra called after the white tiger; he looked over his shoulder at her and she said “Don’t lose those handcuffs.” Bengali grinned at her before Lion-O and Panthro grabbed him and dragged him away.

               On stage, the singing continued. “Young man, I was once in your shoes. I said, I was down and out with the blues. I felt no man cared if I were alive. I felt the whole world was so tight That's when someone came up to me, and said, young man, take a walk up the street. There's a place there called the YMCA. They can start you back on your way. It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a! It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a!”

               “Do you think Lion-O’ Navy plan’s gonna work?” asked Pumyra.

               “Not really, but then again, I’ve seen crazier things,” replied Cheetara. “Like this one time, he took this tuning fork…”
               The Justice League finished and bowed to similarly enthusiastic cheers as they took a seat among the other performers, with Green Lantern creating the table with his ring no less.

               “So I guess we’re up?” said Pumyra warily.

               “Either we are or one of those Master type people are,” answered Cheetara.

               “Wasn’t that something? Now, if you’ll be so kind, for someone who wasn’t a late entry-”

               “Here it comes…”

               “-the delicious mother and daughter team, the one and only Sorceress of Castle Grayskull and Teela, both natives of Eternia!”

               “Phew, that’ll buy some more time.”

               From out of a great ball of fire, two similar sized women emerged, one dressed not unlike an Egyptian bird type thing, the other a noticeably less Egyptian of late teen/early 20 age, sporting what looked like a Disney version of the Xena: Warrior Princess outfit and also very long auburn hair. He-Man and his cronies started to make their way to the stage to assume instrument playing.

               “Wait a sec, isn’t that their usual attire?” asked Cheetara.

               “Oh yeah, costumes were totally optional,” replied He-Man over his shoulder.

               “Optional?!” hissed the two adult female Thundercats, oblivious to Wilykat re-emerging from under the table to marvel and the mother/daughter singing duo.

               Taking their microphones, with He-Man on drums, Man-At-Arms on piano and Fisto and Stratos handling guitars, the Sorceress and Teela unleashed their throaty yet sweet vocals: “If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie. If you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me-”

   Wilykat’s eyes – and ears – lit up.

   The Sorceress had the one line: “That's all I ask of you, honey.”

               Mother and Daughter then resumed: “Take a chance on me. We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together. Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better.”

               The Sorceress again took the solo passage, with Teela only giving a supporting vocal here and there: “'Cos you know I've got so much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you. It's magic. You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair, but I think you know that I can't let go.”
               “Now this I like,” said Wilykat breathlessly. Wilykit snorted derisively in his direction.

               Teela then resumed main co-singing with her mother: “If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie. If you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me. Take a chance on me-”

   The Sorceress again had a brief passage: “Come on, give me a break, honey.”

               And then the duet resumed: “Take a chance on me. Oh you can take your time baby, I'm in no hurry, know I'm gonna get you. You don't wanna hurt me, baby don't worry, I ain't gonna let you.”

               Again, the Sorceress took a solo passage with occasional vocals by Teela: “Let me tell you now, my love is strong enough to last when things are rough. It's magic. You say that I waste my time but I can't get you off my mind. No I can't let go. 'Cos I love you so…”

               And so the refrain came again: “If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie. If you put me to the test, if you let me try…”

               Wilykat was one of the loudest clappers when the song came to an end and the mother/daughter duo gave a graceful bow. “En core! En core!”

               “Now see Mom, isn’t this more fun than just looking after Castle Grayskull?” said Teela as they left the stage.

               “It’s an adrenaline rush, I’ll give it that,” replied the Sorceress, trying hard not to look or sound exuberant, as it would not fit a person of her status and image. That’s when an unpleasant realization hit her.

               “Oh dear God, I left the drawbridge to Castle Grayskull open!” Without further word, the Sorceress assumed her falcon form and departed, leaving behind a golden streak in the air.

               “Ladies and gentlemen, my mother, hardest working woman in Eternia,” Teela mumbled to herself as she took a seat at He-Man’s table.

               “So do you think we’re up now?” asked Pumyra.

               “I’d rather not know,” was Cheetara’s gloomy answer.

               Orko took to the stage yet again. “Whew! Now that’s what I call hot!” The crowd fell silent at the bluntness of his comment. “I mean, invigorating. Enlightening. Satisfying. The Sorceress is a MILF, alright?”

               “Don’t call my mother a MILF!” shouted Teela from  the audience.

               “Oh crud… here’s She-Ra, Princess of Power. Surrender yourself to her lush Scandinavian beauty!”

               Cheetara and Pumyra both breathed a sigh of relief as the tall, blonde, angelic warrior woman who had the misfortune of being stuck in He-Man’s shadow strode onto the stage with her Etherian friends backing her up. From She-Ra’s lips came forth the lyrics: “Don't know why I'm surviving every lonely day when there's got to be no chance for me. My life would end and it doesn't matter how I cry, my tears of love are a waste of time. If I turn away am I strong enough to see it through. Go crazy is what I will do. If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby. If I can't have you ah ah, I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby, if I can't have you ah ah.”

               “Now this is what I call a good time,” grinned Wilykat as the blonde starlet worked her magic on the audience. Wilykit splashed water in his face, but he didn’t seem to notice. Pumyra and Cheetara turned blind eyes to this as they braced themselves for what would undoubtedly be them being up next.

               “Can't let go and it doesn't matter how I try. I gave it all so easily to you my love. To dreams that never will come true. Am I strong enough to see it through? Go crazy is what I will do. If I can’t have you I don’t want nobody baby, if I can’t have you, ah ah…”

               “You know, I really think we should have picked a better song,” Pumyra whispered into Cheetara’s ear. “The one we took feels so… vapid.”

               “It was the only one that wasn’t taken,” said Cheetara. “But it can’t be as pre-feminist in lyrics as what she’s singing up there.”

               After She-Ra had finished, she addressed her audience: “Sorry I didn’t have a more encouraging girl power song, but I had to throw this together in a hurry in between fighting Hordak and his minions. You know how it is.”

               Judging by the applause, no one cared if the song wasn’t feminist friendly. There were even rings and other less than savory garments thrown as metaphors for male praise, which promptly stopped when He-Man bellowed at the audience “Hey, that’s my sister!” 

               Orko again took the stage, and, now visibly uncomfortable following his last address, kept it short and simple. “Moving right along, give a big warm welcome for the lovely, lethal feline femmes of Thundera, Cheetara and Pumyra!”

               Taking collective deep breaths, the two resigned Thundercat women stalked up to the stage for what they both silently agreed would be the most humiliating moment of their lives – and wishing they hadn’t picked the French maid costumes. With mostly local 3rd Earthers on the instruments, the cheetah and puma launched their duet: “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen. Friday night and the lights are low, looking out for the place to go

Where they play the right music, getting in the swing, you come in to look for a King. Anybody could be that guy, night is young and the music's high. With a bit of rock music, everything is fine, you're in the mood for a dance. And when you get the chance...
You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen, Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine. You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen…”
               To their surprise, Cheetara and Pumyra found themselves smiling as they got into the music’s vibe. 
               “You're a teaser, you turn 'em on. Leave them burning and then you're gone. Looking out for another, anyone will do, you're in the mood for a dance, And when you get the chance... You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen, Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine. You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen…”
               The crowd swayed to and fro as the Thundercat women worked their own brand of magic on them. Wilykat found a new appreciation for the cheetah and the puma, while Wilykit found herself torn between admiration and envy.

               Just when it was starting to feel magical, the song ended, and so did Cheetara and Pumyra’s time on the stage. Amidst howling and cat calls – and this time they couldn’t decide if they felt offended or not – they took their seats back at the table, eyed by the many male singers… and both having to dump ice cold water on Wilykat to calm him down.

               “You seen the guys anywhere?” Cheetara asked Wilykit.

               “Nope.”

               “Aw snap…”

               “So much for paying off that debt.”

               “Don’t be so sure,” said a generous He-Man. It was amazing sometimes how sympathetic He-Man was to people… especially people who owed him money.

               “So who feels like dancing?” asked a cheeky Orko, having regained his disposition. “And now for our final act, the Salton Sailors!”

               The stage went dark for a moment, then the lights came back on and, for all to see, were Lion-O, Panthro, Bengali, and Tygra, dressed in the whitest sailor uniforms they could find. Panthro took center stage, while (from left to right) Tygra, Lion-O and Bengali flanked him on the left, performing the unnerving choreography that would drive Wilykat back under the table.

               And thus came forth from Panthro’s powerful R&B voice: “Where can you find pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science technology? Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true on the land or on the sea? Where can you learn to fly, play in sports and skin dive, study oceanography? Sign up for the big band or sit in the grandstand when your team and others meet?” At this point, Lion-O, Bengali and Tygra joined: “In the navy! Yes, you can sail the seven seas.
In the navy. Yes, you can put your mind at ease. In the navy. Come on now, people, make a stand. In the navy, in the navy. Can't you see we need a hand? In the navy. Come on, protect the motherland. In the navy. Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy. Come on people, and make a stand. In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy).”

               “Make it stop, make it stop!” begged Wilykat.
               “I can’t I don’t know what’s going on,” said Lynx-O.

               “Wow…” was all Wilykit had to say, with just a little drool for effect.

               “You know, somehow this makes it all worth while,” said Cheetara.

               “I agree,” grinned Pumyra.

               On stage, Tygra, Lion-O and Bengali clapped together and bellowed: “They want you, they want you, they want you as a new recruit!”

               Panthro resumed lead: “If you like adventure, don't you wait to enter the recruiting office fast! Don't you hesitate, there is no need to wait they're signing up new seamen fast. Maybe you are too young to join up today but don't you worry 'bout a thing.
For I'm sure there will be always a good navy protecting the land and sea.”  

               And then, the lion and tigers joined the panther: “In the navy! Yes, you can sail the seven seas in the navy. Yes, you can put your mind at ease. In the navy! Come on now, people, make a stand. In the navy, in the navy. Can't you see we need a hand? In the navy. Come on, protect the motherland. In the navy. Come on and join your fellow man
In the navy. Come on people, and make a stand. In the navy, in the navy, in the navy, in the navy!”
               To say the crowd went wild would be an understatement.

 

 

               The performing finally came to an end, and the performers stood for all to see, triumphant, enraptured, enlivened, emboldened, and all things in between. And the evil ones on the left while the good ones took the right.

               “Thank you, thank you all!” yelled Orko into his microphone. “You’ve all made this a big success! Your donations are appreciated-”

               “DONATIONS?”

               “You forgot to make the donations?”

               There was a silence. And then – “JUST KIDDING!”

               “Not funny!” yelled Orko. “Anyway, I hold in my hand-” he held up an envelope – “the one singer whom you all voted to be the best and brightest talent from this particular showcase! He or she who will be crowned best singer of the karaoke charity! And the winner is…”

               There was a chill in the air as Orko opened the letter and, after holding the audience and singers in suspense for a few minutes, Orko proudly announced “Optimus Prime!”

               Many hearts were broken among the singers as Optimus Prime – towering 30 feet above them all – moved ever so slightly forward – and even then only his feet were mostly visible – to accept the award – which looked quite small in his hand.

               “Automoton!” shouted Skeletor.

               “Voltron knock off!” shouted the Mutants.

               Both ran away when Prime pointed his giant gun at them.

               “The man with the bigger gun always wins,” said Tygra.

               “Quiet you!” snapped Panthro.

               “Well, at least we’re out of the debt,” said Lion-O. “And we helped with the charity, so that’s a plus to our side.”

               “Where’d you find those sailor suits anyway?” asked Pumyra.

               “Snarf found them lying around somewhere beforehand, he wanted to hang on to them, see if he could sell them on E-Bay or something.”

               “Well you look awfully cute in that sailor suit big boy,” smirked Cheetara.

               Lion-O personally thought the suit was too tight.

               “You’d look even cuter if you had a feather duster with your ensemble,” replied Lion-O, reminding her of the maid outfit she had the misfortune of wearing.

               “Oh shut up.”

               “You know what would be really good right about now?” asked Bengali. “Hash browns. Anyone want hash browns?” The others shrugged. “Let’s go get some hash browns. I’ll bring the cuffs…” he winked at Pumyra.

               “Benny, not in public.”

 

END  

 

 

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